Day out friends..they left to go to diff restaurant on their own

[TFICoffeetime]

Met up with close friends yesterday. We live opposite sides country. We picked scenic village, countryside & meal at a nice country inn.
We were 40 mins late (it's 2.5 hrs for us) 1 hour drive for us & got caught in traffic then stopped once to let DD go to the toilet & stretched dogs legs so she'd wee. All communicated with friends. We arrived, had lovely stroll, river swim and meal at nice country inn with great views. They had booked the meal...we thought lovely place. But when we got there they said they had to leave at 5.30 to go to another restaurant (just them and child). They are starters and went. They said they hadn't realised this place was a fave restaurant & was close to their home. (So why go today). So we were left. It felt v awkward & like punishment for being late maybe. It had been lovely day and ended on weird vibes.
We finished our meal on own then went to another beautiful inn for pudding. After this I feel perplexed. AIBU to think their actions rude & far ruder than been late. We weren't intentionally late & just how it goes with traffic & teenagers.
I don't understand why we couldn't enjoy the meal together as planned. They booked it on the day (it felt like because we were late). We avoided confrontation but left sour note. Our children were perplexed. Just odd & awkward. This friend doesn't like confrontation even if it's "we were a bit sad you changed to go elsewhere" so she wouldn't discuss if I did. But I'm left feeling am I wrong. I just can't see myself having issues if they had longer to drive and was late & I would not change plans on a meal that was meant to be spent together. Xxx

That’s why I think they planned it just before they went to the restaurant for starters. I didn’t realise they all drove to this restaurant and hence were alone again for a bit. I thought the families were together the whole time and agree - I thought it strange they didn’t mention it the minute OP
arrived.

I know you’ve debunked it but as an outsider, from what you’ve said, I’d presume that it was a financial decision and they don’t feel able to share that with you. They squabbled over money, and only had starters, which is common when you’re short of cash… perhaps they had a big unexpected bill yesterday and aren’t actually in financial trouble but one of them is having a stress about cash flow, or something. Perhaps it’s a bigger issue than that. Realistically, it’s the only thing that makes sense - especially because it covers them not inviting you elsewhere, because they may not actually have gone elsewhere.

Perhaps they couldn’t bring themselves to explain that they’d booked somewhere pretty expensive for you all and now couldn’t afford to/didn’t want to stay.

It seems far too random for it to be connected to you being late - they had plenty of time and excuse to cancel the reservation… I’d be presuming they got an unexpected bill etc via email yesterday and the restaurant was more expensive than they’d presumed.

It feels like a passive-aggressive move on your friend's part. Being late is insufferable for a lot of people (do you do it often?) - it's a total lack of respect for other people's time. For 2.5 hrs you need to factor in a loo break for everyone 15mins and another 15mins for traffic - did you do that? Do you fail to plan?
The passive-aggressive move to punish you - your seemingly nonchalant approach to travelling times (lateness can't be helped - see list of excuses)

I think it's probably best you cool it with this friendship.

I'd be irritated if someone was 40 minutes late because I'm someone that builds buffers into each part of a journey and ends up 30 minutes early if nothing untoward happens, but that doesn't make their behaviour any better. It's the unsaid that's the worst - it leaves you guessing and imagining all sorts of scenarios that are more extreme than the truth.

Exactly. How is that not odd that they had limited time together - they were late, the other family left early - but they changed location multiple times and had time to shower/change in another separate location before going to the pre-booked meal? It was a river they visited not a leisure centre!

This whole story has been confusing and full of holes the whole way through.

You doesn’t 5 hours driving to meet a friend near their village and they changed their mind last minute about the the only planned meal you were supposed to have. Now on asking they don’t explain, just say no issue. They are not worth more time.

I would be very taken aback if someone got up and left in the middle of a meal. Not normal at all!

There was a post above about perhaps the couple having money issues and arguing in the car which led to them leaving early. There could hypothetically be a reason other than you for the strange behaviour. You have checked in with them about it and I would now try and move past it. If they are upset about the lateness they need to tell you, not leave you guessing.

Your right. The traffic and moving to A road was v slow

I don't think some people realise how much of a delay being taken off the motorway and into an A road can have! I've had it just going home from work and it's added 20 mins onto my journey due to everyone slowing down to file off the exit and then trundling along the A road which is much slower than usual due to the extra traffic.

You kept the updated on times, maybe they were just having an off day or something else was bothering them (but not to do with you) and they just needed to go home. Next time, I'd suggest somewhere much closer to you to visit for the day so the driving is more shared out.

Op, I don't understand why you are getting such a hard time here. It seems like people are being deliberately obtuse. I had no problem understanding any of your posts. On the lateness point, we regularly drive up north to see family. On a good day it takes 4 hours, usually it takes 5. Sometimes it takes 6 or more. It's very hard to take account of traffic/road closures etc. the fact that you kept them updated and apologised, I doubt that they would hold that against you. I would also be upset by their early departure. I imagine they have other stuff going on you don't know about.

We did that but traffic diversion out of our control, I think I've mentioned that. The toilet stop was not long

You've never done wild swimming. We changed in the car. We were parked next to a visitors centre & packed our evening clothes. It's not long to dry off, use deodorant & put our evening clothes on. Our hairs were clipped up. Plenty in the inn had been swimming - it's a known spot x

So after talking to her, and having had some time to think on it - what is your take on my they really did what they did @TFICoffeetime?

OP you said you asked the friend afterwards why they left the way they did, then you said all the things that weren’t the reason they left… but you’ve not said what was the reason. When you messaged your friend about it, what did she say?

The behaviour of your friends seems so weird and I agree with others that it seems most likely there was a chat/row between the couple on the way to the restaurant.

It’s such a shame all the bullies and nitpickers have derailed the thread.

I’d be interested to know more about the messages you exchanged last night.

If your friend said they did not leave due to money, not restaurant issues, dog or children, that must be quite a detailed chat and wondering if their tone gives anything away? Had you put those options to them, or did they raise them? I was thinking if you’d raised them presumably you’d also have asked if it related to them being unhappy with you/the lateness?

It’s just a bit hard to get the sense of the chat. It seems they’ve categorically ruled out a long list of causes - assuming that’s where the confirmation comes from - but been a bit less specific about anything to do with you. (Other than saying there was no drama/ issue, which avoids getting into anything). Their behaviour seems really weird and annoying either way but wondering if the detail of the messages sheds any light

Are you always late? I think if this was a one off - the late thing won't be an issue - but if you are known for lateness - that's never good.

Something has gone on between the other couple - which you don’t (and probably won’t) know about. Sounds to me like the wife wanted to go somewhere else (maybe got another offer late in the day as a pp said?) and her DH said that was rude - hence the weird, muddled compromise of the “starters and leave”. I’m not sure you’ll ever know, to be honest (unless the child involved lets it slip on another occasion - “remember that time we had dinner with you and Auntie Mary on the same night?” sort of comment!). I suppose I’d advise you to try and let it go - but I’d be a bit wary of the arrangements I made with them next time?

If I was your friend I would understand that sometimes unexpected things like road closures and diversions can make you run behind schedule and then you need to take care of everyone's needs, like your daughter needing a toilet break or to stop because of ongoing car sickness and the dog needing to take a mini walk to expend energy and do it's business. Life happens and you kept in contact with updates.

To then unilaterally decide to book a meal in a different restaurant for only themselves, after having previously chosen the one you all went to, I find very rude and bizarre. I would wonder if they actually did go to this "other restaurant" or was it because they discovered the meal was more expensive than they had expected. However you said that they said it wasn't and they booked it during the day, when you were spending time with each other. I would feel rather excluded by them not asking for a reservation for everyone or at least asking if you wanted to go or would be ok about them doing it. You had an expectation of what spending the day together would entail and things had been planned by both parties ahead of time. In the same way that you communicated with them when you were running late, as friends they should have done you the courtesy of letting you know that their plans were changing and why. I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that it was done "to get back at your being late", although I can see why you are wondering if it's the reason. Regardless it wasn't considerate or kind and I would feel put out, that I had made an effort to spend time with each other and they suddenly ditched for unknown reasons. If it was done as a passive aggressive response to the lateness, I would think very much less of them. Sorry that you experienced this.

What part of that was hard to understand?

How much extra time did you leave for the journey?

You knew you would need to stop for car sickness. You knew your dog would need a second morning pee. You said these things took 20 mins and the traffic issue another 20 mins. Which is the amount of time you were late. So it sounds like you didn't actually leave any spare time for the things you knew you had to do on the way, let alone unexpected issues?

OP, you are assuming their behaviour was caused by your delay. I am more inclined to think that something happened during the wild swimming that made them feel uncomfortable and decided to leave.
I was light-heartedly going to ask whether any of you were doing topless (see the other thread in AIBU).
Joking aside, the whole changing in the car is very odd. It may be usual in other countries but in the UK we don't do that. I think they got upset they could not use a regular dressing room and have a proper shower to feel fresh afterwards so they exacted revenge in the most childish way.

> We were 40 mins late
I'd probably not want to eat with you either

Maybe one of them felt ill or developed diarrhoea or something and just didn't want to say

I think op is getting an overly hard time here and posters are being deliberately obtuse. Of course the op shouldn't have been late but things do happen.
It didn't impact on their day together , they still did the activities they wanted to.
I think your friends were rude by having a starter and not inviting you to to the other restaurant. Very odd behaviour.
I would have to ask them why

It's very odd behaviour on their part.

I would bet money that it's nothing to do with you or your lateness - it sounds like they had an argument between themselves and were angry at each other, not you - and just picked the first excuse they could think of to get out of there asap. (Maybe they already argued over which restaurant to pick, she wanted this other cheaper one and was making a dig at him.)

And they're not going to explain this to you because it's always embarrassing when couples have a spat with each other in front of friends.