Not being able to go and being alone over christmas

[Summersalmostover]

So before I begin I would like to say I have been left out before when it comes to holidays and days out with family etc.

I am a single parent with 1 child who is a tween. Today I saw my sibling and they mentioned about going away over Christmas and our DM said to let me know. Sibling said it was all inclusive for a week in an area. I got no say in board or location. Sibling said that they had found holiday for around 700 per person all inclusive.
I told Sibling there was no way I could afford that in 3/4 months. Usually I've had to pay a holiday off 1 year or more in advance. Sibling mentions a child free place but I said you need to adults to get the deal and so I wouldn't get it.
Im a single salaried person who still has all the same costs as a double adult family like Sibling and our parents are well off so doesnt matter to them the price.
Also I cant just go any dates due to child going with father over Christmas. Child father would not allow it and we are court ordered. Which family havent thought about.
Now I know its not their fault im a single parent or that there is court ordered child arrangements.
However there seems to be no flexibility for board, area or dates that could make it possible for us to come along. Even if I did it for 4/5 nights.
So it looks like I will be spending Christmas on my own this year with just my child and then alone boxing day.

Aibu to feel upset about it. I know that regardless me being alone family wont think about it and will still going ahead with what they want and not being inclusive of me and my child.

Difficult. If they like going away for Christmas, it isn’t their fault that you can’t. I’m assuming your sibling is child free? So it may not be the most fun for your DC anyway. But yes, if that was me, personally I would want to be with my niece/nephew or grandchild for Christmas.

How old is your DC? I think having a Christmas just the two of you is so special and there is lots you can do to make it really amazing for you both at home. Forget the others if they don’t want to be involved. Your DC is the most important here.

I think they have been really thoughtless and treated you really shittily and created a wealth divide. I’m sorry OP, I would be upset too.

Do you normally spend xmas with your family? I dont think you are being unreasonable if so.

Sibling has children. Younger than my child. DC is 10. I know it would be special but in a way Im sad because its showing him also that my family don't think about us (its not the first time).

I've spent every Christmas with parents except one when I had covid a few years ago.

Can you invite a friend or two to your home on Christmas Day.

Whilst I can see it is hurtful to you, you were asked and have said no (albeit for valid reasons). As we grow up, our nuclear family becomes extended family, and that means more decision makers.

Your siblings and your parents are completely entitled to want to spend a Christmas away, and have found something that suits them. They have invited you along too, so are not excluding you from joining them, but you cannot make it unless they change their plans significantly. So gently, you cannot force two other family units to bend to your plans each Christmas just because it is what you like to do/suits your family set-up.

My mother tentatively raised she and my DF going away to Austria for a quiet Christmas alone this year, as they've only ever had one Christmas alone and really liked it. I think they are just tired of decades of hosting. I'll miss them, but fully support them getting to have a Christmas that they really want rather than catering to all our needs.

You can’t change them. Only your own behaviour. They’re showing you who they are. There’s no valuing in wishing them different. Just let them.
Have a think about how you want to feel on Xmas day and Boxing Day and I’m sure you’ll find a lovely way to make that happen.

I’m the least favoured child and I used to tie myself in knots with gifts and birthday/ Christmas celebrations. I had a life altering moment that resulted in me being in hospital for 3 weeks. None of them visited and even speaking to them on the phone they somehow made it all about them. It really opened me eyes that I was not exaggerating when I felt they would never be there for me when the chips were down. I had some lovely friends who were totally there. I also joined a lovely gym - CrossFit type. They’ve welcomed in an overweight middle aged woman and they’re very social so I have lots to do now that doesn’t depend on the dregs offered by my family.

Thanks I understand what you're saying however its not that it suits me etc. I really don't have a choice. I would really love to go away over Christmas.
Its just the thought of being on my own over the Christmas period whilst I know they will all be sitting in the sunshine with company having fun.

Im sorry you've had to go through that. I myself have been a poster on the stately homes board here on mumsnet due to family etc. Don't wish to be but I know I can't change my family. I just wish they could understand my view of things but I know they never will.

On the fence. I think they are entitled to want to have a holiday abroad. If you're old enough to have a 10 year old I'm assuming your parents are at least in their 60s? If they waited to do a Christmas abroad because of your childcare arrangements it could be another 8 years, at which point they could be in a completely different position health, agility, monetary wise.

However where they could have dealt with it better is planning further in advance. If they asked now for next year you could potentially pay it off in increments, arrange something with your child's dad (i.e. he has her for longer this year, you next year), or if you still couldn't make it work, have more time to plan something else yourself.

I get that you are upset . I would either pay for my sibling/ daughter to go or stay at home. Sorry OP it’s mean of them imo.

You won't be spending Christmas on your own because your child will be there.

I'm a single parent and share the children with my ex-husband on Christmas Day. My family live too far away to do both, so I have ended up spending half of Christmas Day alone Boxing Day alone for many years. It does get better. In the beginning I was sad, but then also felt grateful for what I have and just poured everything into the time I've had my children. I think it's ok for you to feel sad / angry with your family (without judging them) and also to be grateful that you can have Christmas with your son.

Im nearing 60 and no way would I leave one of kids on their own ( well op isnt alone as they have their son but still) at xmas. We can go on holiday anytime.

If your DSis mentioned it to you under instruction from your DM, is it possible she's game playing a bit? Does she like things her own way? Maybe if you go direct to your DM you might find the situation is slightly different to what DSis suggested. Mine always game played with stuff like this. I found it worked best just to be really open and constructive with DM. E.g. What are your plans for Xmas? I'd feel really sad to not spend it with you, is there any way round it? Etc

Have you asked ex if he’d consider allowing this, and you allow him to holiday with child next year?

I wouldn’t go abroad without you and your DD, knowing you couldn’t have afforded to join us. However, they have handily given you several months to plan an alternative Christmas- maybe you and dd could make a game out of what will do, like making dinner together and making it like a Christmas cracker, or hiding presents for each other and playing games to find them.

Or join a community meal, or go to a restaurant- expensive bit not as expensive as the holiday would have been.

Have you considered asking to change the court ordered contact so that your child gets to spend a longer period with you or their other parent on alternate Christmas holidays? That way, you would have more freedom to either take your child away in ‘your’ Christmas year, or plan with more freedom in the year you don’t have them with you. That would surely be better all round?

In the meantime why not talk to your DM? It may be that she would actually be disappointed not to spend Christmas with you and this particular grandchild. Even if it doesn’t change the situation that might make you feel a little better.

I can’t believe how many people think YABU!

I think YANBU OP. Christmas is time for family. I simply would not contemplate Christmas without my siblings and parents and I know they feel the same. I would be so heartbroken if they made plans behind my back that excluded me and left me on my own. It just wouldn’t happen. I’m so sorry it’s happening to you. Take it as an opportunity to do whatever you want for yourself and your DC. Make it a Christmas to remember for positive reasons x

Christmas Eve
Christmas Day
Boxing Day

id love 3 days of nobody

Join the Christmas board. So many spend it alone.

I’m sorry OP, it must feel hurtful. But focus on making a lovely Christmas for you and ds, I know you might be on your own for some of it, just plan some special treats for yourself. And you never know a friend might be free to meet up or come round?

It’s 3 months away.

you have lots of time to plan things - days out - seeing friends - meals out - cinema - things with your daughter, winter walks, ice skating, Pantos, see a show, go to a carol service, go snd see the lights in town , do some Christmas baking, Christmas crafts….

it’s hard but you have to cut your cloth to suit your budget and here you also have to meet the court contact requirements.

plenty of charities are desperate for people to help over Christmas. Have you considered volunteering when you are in your own?

there are so many things you can do for free or low cost if you start researching now and make plans with your friends etc.

you can chose to sit at home feeling sad and left out or you can make the best of being home and plan a really lovely Christmas period.

don’t rely on others to control your happiness - seize the day and make the best of it by being positive and making plans that you can achieve at home.

I think they probably knew it would be difficult for you and that is why they went ahead and booked first so that they didn't miss out on what they wany, which is a holiday at Christmas. If your parents have spent every Christmas with you I think it's fair that they get to do what they want to do this year.