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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Not being able to go and being alone over christmas

112 replies

Summersalmostover · 30/08/2025 21:02

So before I begin I would like to say I have been left out before when it comes to holidays and days out with family etc.

I am a single parent with 1 child who is a tween. Today I saw my sibling and they mentioned about going away over Christmas and our DM said to let me know. Sibling said it was all inclusive for a week in an area. I got no say in board or location. Sibling said that they had found holiday for around 700 per person all inclusive.
I told Sibling there was no way I could afford that in 3/4 months. Usually I've had to pay a holiday off 1 year or more in advance. Sibling mentions a child free place but I said you need to adults to get the deal and so I wouldn't get it.
Im a single salaried person who still has all the same costs as a double adult family like Sibling and our parents are well off so doesnt matter to them the price.
Also I cant just go any dates due to child going with father over Christmas. Child father would not allow it and we are court ordered. Which family havent thought about.
Now I know its not their fault im a single parent or that there is court ordered child arrangements.
However there seems to be no flexibility for board, area or dates that could make it possible for us to come along. Even if I did it for 4/5 nights.
So it looks like I will be spending Christmas on my own this year with just my child and then alone boxing day.

Aibu to feel upset about it. I know that regardless me being alone family wont think about it and will still going ahead with what they want and not being inclusive of me and my child.

OP posts:
lizzyBennet08 · 30/08/2025 23:13

Honestly it feels harsh to say that they can never do a holiday over Christmas because of your personal circumstances . I get that you'll be lonely but it's 3 months away so they've given you lots of time to arrange something .
Id be jealous and disappointed to be missing out but im not sure id be angry with them. It's not their fault.

ChristmasCrap · 31/08/2025 10:54

I have spent most of the last decade either alone with ds or just plain alone. I had a couple of Christmas days with my parents when me and ex first split, but during the pandemic just did it for me.

My Dad (he died two years ago) never liked Xmas anyway and I don't live near to them, so Xmas with them always involved me driving hundreds of miles.

My brother lives near them so he always wanted Xmas day at his house. For a number of reasons, staying with him would not have been possible.

So my folks just got into this pattern of going to my brother's and they stopped even asking what my plans were. It really hurt during lockdown when we were allowed to bubble or whatever the stupid rule was, and I hadn't seen anyone other than my child for so long, ....and they booked a hotel near my brother without even telling me. I was so hurt when I found out. Nobody even used to ask if I was alone.

I have had to make my family of two work. I feel sad sometimes that DS hasn't had much of his extended family in his life, but it's just how things are. My parents and brother and me don't really get along all together. My brother demands and my parents would keep the peace, especially my mother.

It got to the point even before my Dad died, that I realised my family had only visited me twice in about six years or more. As of now, I don't expect my mother will be able to visit again and I barely have a relationship with my brother anymore.

I don't have a partner. I have a few good friends but they don't invite me at Xmas either as they all have their own families.

It does hurt and I feel sad how life turned out but also, it isn't the end of the world. There is strength and peace in being ok with your own company.

Let them go, and don't worry about it. Try and plan something nice for you and your DS and especially for yourself. You're not the only one, I promise you.

LadyLemoncake · 31/08/2025 11:10

YANBU to feel hurt.

They are perfectly entitled to want to do something special for Christmas. Of course they are. But I could never do that to one of my children. It's not just any old holiday, it's Christmas!

Speak to your Mum. Find out what has actually been planned. If there is no solution, then you must make it a lovely little Christmas for you and your dc.

Octavia64 · 31/08/2025 11:14

If they have hosted you for the last decade (at least!) they are allowed to have a break.

hosting is bloody hard work, expensive, and generally thankless.

why don’t you invite them to yours?

Summersalmostover · 31/08/2025 11:17

ChristmasCrap · 31/08/2025 10:54

I have spent most of the last decade either alone with ds or just plain alone. I had a couple of Christmas days with my parents when me and ex first split, but during the pandemic just did it for me.

My Dad (he died two years ago) never liked Xmas anyway and I don't live near to them, so Xmas with them always involved me driving hundreds of miles.

My brother lives near them so he always wanted Xmas day at his house. For a number of reasons, staying with him would not have been possible.

So my folks just got into this pattern of going to my brother's and they stopped even asking what my plans were. It really hurt during lockdown when we were allowed to bubble or whatever the stupid rule was, and I hadn't seen anyone other than my child for so long, ....and they booked a hotel near my brother without even telling me. I was so hurt when I found out. Nobody even used to ask if I was alone.

I have had to make my family of two work. I feel sad sometimes that DS hasn't had much of his extended family in his life, but it's just how things are. My parents and brother and me don't really get along all together. My brother demands and my parents would keep the peace, especially my mother.

It got to the point even before my Dad died, that I realised my family had only visited me twice in about six years or more. As of now, I don't expect my mother will be able to visit again and I barely have a relationship with my brother anymore.

I don't have a partner. I have a few good friends but they don't invite me at Xmas either as they all have their own families.

It does hurt and I feel sad how life turned out but also, it isn't the end of the world. There is strength and peace in being ok with your own company.

Let them go, and don't worry about it. Try and plan something nice for you and your DS and especially for yourself. You're not the only one, I promise you.

Im sorry about your family:(

It seems DM does alot to keep the peace with sibling too as they always kick up a fuss and that then leaves me out. We don't even all live far apart. Its clear to see who DM fav grandchildren are too.

Just rubbish being left out. To me christmas is always about family. I know christmas day is about me and DC, I know I can make it work and make it nice for DC. However it doesnt stop the internal feelings of sadness that actually im alone.

I dont think friends would invite us round due to their own families or travelling to go to their parents/siblings etc.

OP posts:
Summersalmostover · 31/08/2025 11:18

Octavia64 · 31/08/2025 11:14

If they have hosted you for the last decade (at least!) they are allowed to have a break.

hosting is bloody hard work, expensive, and generally thankless.

why don’t you invite them to yours?

My place is tiny, no way my cooker could fit any the food in. If I had a bigger place I absolutely would invite them round and host

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 31/08/2025 11:19

You won’t be alone. You’ll be with your DC. That’s a very big difference to being actually alone. Make the most of what you have and stop thinking about what you don’t have.

Cinaferna · 31/08/2025 11:19

OP, I would feel the same as you - a bit sidelined and overlooked. But, it's really important not to let your DC see that you feel this way as it will perpetuate an unhealthy family dynamic of being made to feel second best or not good enough.

I think a good tactic would be to call your parents and possibly your sis and say: "I know you are away this year and hope you have a lovely time. We can;t afford to join you this time, but we'd really love to see you all at some point over the holidays - can we fix a date before you go or after you get back when we can all get together?" Maybe don't offer to host otherwise you'd feel even more bitter shelling out to feed them and hand over presents while they swan off. But perhaps you could suggest visiting them?

On the day - are there any other people you know in a similar situation? Any other single mums? Could you get together with close friends?

AutumnLover1989 · 31/08/2025 11:22

If your parents are wealthy,it wouldn't hurt them to come to an arrangement where they pay and you pay them back at a rate you are able to afford.

Cinaferna · 31/08/2025 11:26

Now you know this will be a quiet Christmas, start to make plans. Rituals, even if just between the two of you, can help make Christmas feel special to children. Discuss what he wants for breakfast. Choose a couple of good board or card games that two people can play. Pick a couple of really good films to watch. Maybe get some new Christmas PJs or just really cosy lounge wear and tell him you don't have to get up all day.

Try to get out and meet up with friends at some point either side of the day itself. Maybe invite a couple of DC's friends over for a film night with pizzas and popcorn. See if friends are up for a Boxing Day walk.

MimsyMe · 31/08/2025 11:31

I would be terribly hurt and they are being selfish. At the very least they could have been discussing the idea with you

raisingthebarbell · 31/08/2025 11:32

YANBU to feel sidelined and sad at the thought of your first Christmas without family, however, what’s stopping you from enquiring directly with the hotel about coming for a much shorter stay that might be affordable and within the court ordered contact days. Or see if timings can be made to work and tell your parents you’d love to go but can’t afford it and see if they offer to help so you’re not on your own at Christmas ?

Summersalmostover · 31/08/2025 11:34

AutumnLover1989 · 31/08/2025 11:22

If your parents are wealthy,it wouldn't hurt them to come to an arrangement where they pay and you pay them back at a rate you are able to afford.

😂 my parents don't hand out money even if I would pay it back.

OP posts:
tumblingdowntherabbithole · 31/08/2025 11:36

Have you actually spoken to your parents about the situation and given some ideas about how it could be made workable for you?

MimsyMe · 31/08/2025 11:36

@raisingthebarbell but if it was my sister, I’d be saying “mum and I were wondering about getting away at Christmas. Would it be possible for you to get away - wondering about when your dc has to visit your exDP? And also budget! I know it’s an expensive time of year. But would be so great if we can all go if you’d like to I’m sure we can help.”

There’s no way I’d go on a truncated Christmas holiday - the cost and hassle of the travel would put me off.

Summersalmostover · 31/08/2025 11:38

raisingthebarbell · 31/08/2025 11:32

YANBU to feel sidelined and sad at the thought of your first Christmas without family, however, what’s stopping you from enquiring directly with the hotel about coming for a much shorter stay that might be affordable and within the court ordered contact days. Or see if timings can be made to work and tell your parents you’d love to go but can’t afford it and see if they offer to help so you’re not on your own at Christmas ?

Ive already looked at a 4 or 5 night stay. Still too much to pay 3/4 months. I need at least a year to save or pay off a holiday

OP posts:
Summersalmostover · 31/08/2025 11:39

MimsyMe · 31/08/2025 11:36

@raisingthebarbell but if it was my sister, I’d be saying “mum and I were wondering about getting away at Christmas. Would it be possible for you to get away - wondering about when your dc has to visit your exDP? And also budget! I know it’s an expensive time of year. But would be so great if we can all go if you’d like to I’m sure we can help.”

There’s no way I’d go on a truncated Christmas holiday - the cost and hassle of the travel would put me off.

Well in law came through after sibling mentioned it. The holiday they were looking at was 4 grand for a week!!! So they are not looking at cheap to average hotels

OP posts:
EmmaMaria · 31/08/2025 11:41

Summersalmostover · 30/08/2025 21:23

I've spent every Christmas with parents except one when I had covid a few years ago.

I'm going against the general grain here and will re-frame this. I understand why you are upset that the Christmas plans don't suit your circumstances, but basically you have had 10+years of Christmas plans that do suit you. Did you ever ask if others wanted to do something different, or did you simply assume that because it was what suited you that everyone else was happy about it? Perhaps they had always wanted to get away, have a nice break with somebody else doing all the cooking, cleaning, entertainment etc. Perhaps they all put it off because they knew that it would be difficult for you. Perhaps they decided to go for it whilst they still could. It seems you have had a decent run with people doing Christmas "your way", so it's perhaps time they got to do it their way? Being "flexible" isn't always getting things the way you want them. You've actually had quite a lot of flexibility, and just don't seem to see it.

Summersalmostover · 31/08/2025 11:41

Cinaferna · 31/08/2025 11:19

OP, I would feel the same as you - a bit sidelined and overlooked. But, it's really important not to let your DC see that you feel this way as it will perpetuate an unhealthy family dynamic of being made to feel second best or not good enough.

I think a good tactic would be to call your parents and possibly your sis and say: "I know you are away this year and hope you have a lovely time. We can;t afford to join you this time, but we'd really love to see you all at some point over the holidays - can we fix a date before you go or after you get back when we can all get together?" Maybe don't offer to host otherwise you'd feel even more bitter shelling out to feed them and hand over presents while they swan off. But perhaps you could suggest visiting them?

On the day - are there any other people you know in a similar situation? Any other single mums? Could you get together with close friends?

Unfortunately no, I know no one else in my situation who i could join up with

OP posts:
Kingoftheroad · 31/08/2025 11:43

What a bunch of arseholes: never would I leave my child and grandchild alone if they couldn’t afford it I’d pay for it. If someone had to stay to accomodate an ex - I would go on another date -

they’re not worth your sadness, tears or worry honey - I’d tell them exactly what I thought about the situation.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 31/08/2025 11:46

Could you and your DS go somewhere else for Christmas, maybe in the UK, to make it a special one for just the two of you?

But as a pp said, you could also apply
to court for a variation in the order so that you and exh each get a “block” of time with your DS, rather than having a rush to swap between Christmas Day and Boxing Day. After a little bit of trial and error in the early days, exh and I now do it so that one of us has Christmas week and one has NY week. It seems to be much better that way.

Edit - and just to say, the DC and I have been away for Christmas as a three which was fun, and had Christmas at home. When we had the day at home, we invited friends over for drinks in the morning which was really fun, and then did a walk to spot all the local Christmas lights after lunch.

Summersalmostover · 31/08/2025 11:47

Kingoftheroad · 31/08/2025 11:43

What a bunch of arseholes: never would I leave my child and grandchild alone if they couldn’t afford it I’d pay for it. If someone had to stay to accomodate an ex - I would go on another date -

they’re not worth your sadness, tears or worry honey - I’d tell them exactly what I thought about the situation.

Thank you ♥️

OP posts:
Shessweetbutapsycho · 31/08/2025 11:53

Summersalmostover · 30/08/2025 21:02

So before I begin I would like to say I have been left out before when it comes to holidays and days out with family etc.

I am a single parent with 1 child who is a tween. Today I saw my sibling and they mentioned about going away over Christmas and our DM said to let me know. Sibling said it was all inclusive for a week in an area. I got no say in board or location. Sibling said that they had found holiday for around 700 per person all inclusive.
I told Sibling there was no way I could afford that in 3/4 months. Usually I've had to pay a holiday off 1 year or more in advance. Sibling mentions a child free place but I said you need to adults to get the deal and so I wouldn't get it.
Im a single salaried person who still has all the same costs as a double adult family like Sibling and our parents are well off so doesnt matter to them the price.
Also I cant just go any dates due to child going with father over Christmas. Child father would not allow it and we are court ordered. Which family havent thought about.
Now I know its not their fault im a single parent or that there is court ordered child arrangements.
However there seems to be no flexibility for board, area or dates that could make it possible for us to come along. Even if I did it for 4/5 nights.
So it looks like I will be spending Christmas on my own this year with just my child and then alone boxing day.

Aibu to feel upset about it. I know that regardless me being alone family wont think about it and will still going ahead with what they want and not being inclusive of me and my child.

You have plenty of time to plan, I don’t think it’s as bad as you’re thinking. Lots of families spend the day itself on their own, and then Boxing Day is often pub walks/get togethers etc. Why don’t you save for some lovely food/games etc you can enjoy with your DC on Xmas day, and start making plans to get together with friends on Boxing Day?

tumblingdowntherabbithole · 31/08/2025 11:57

Kingoftheroad · 31/08/2025 11:43

What a bunch of arseholes: never would I leave my child and grandchild alone if they couldn’t afford it I’d pay for it. If someone had to stay to accomodate an ex - I would go on another date -

they’re not worth your sadness, tears or worry honey - I’d tell them exactly what I thought about the situation.

I mean, it sounds like they’ve accommodated her plans and wishes for the best part of a decade - surely they’re allowed to do something they want this year?

Gingernessy · 31/08/2025 11:59

Summersalmostover · 30/08/2025 21:43

Thanks I understand what you're saying however its not that it suits me etc. I really don't have a choice. I would really love to go away over Christmas.
Its just the thought of being on my own over the Christmas period whilst I know they will all be sitting in the sunshine with company having fun.

How old is your child? Could you afford to go out for Christmas lunch this year as a treat for the 2 of you.
Maybe go for a walk together first Christmas morning, then lunch out and have relaxing present opening, games and movies when you get back.
Boxing day I'd rent a couple of movies and chill once dc has gone to dad's. I'd treat myself to some really nice food and a bottle of something special - doesn't need to be alcoholic.