Not being able to go and being alone over christmas

[Summersalmostover]

So before I begin I would like to say I have been left out before when it comes to holidays and days out with family etc.

I am a single parent with 1 child who is a tween. Today I saw my sibling and they mentioned about going away over Christmas and our DM said to let me know. Sibling said it was all inclusive for a week in an area. I got no say in board or location. Sibling said that they had found holiday for around 700 per person all inclusive.
I told Sibling there was no way I could afford that in 3/4 months. Usually I've had to pay a holiday off 1 year or more in advance. Sibling mentions a child free place but I said you need to adults to get the deal and so I wouldn't get it.
Im a single salaried person who still has all the same costs as a double adult family like Sibling and our parents are well off so doesnt matter to them the price.
Also I cant just go any dates due to child going with father over Christmas. Child father would not allow it and we are court ordered. Which family havent thought about.
Now I know its not their fault im a single parent or that there is court ordered child arrangements.
However there seems to be no flexibility for board, area or dates that could make it possible for us to come along. Even if I did it for 4/5 nights.
So it looks like I will be spending Christmas on my own this year with just my child and then alone boxing day.

Aibu to feel upset about it. I know that regardless me being alone family wont think about it and will still going ahead with what they want and not being inclusive of me and my child.

Are you the mother or the sister?! I assume op isn't a mind reader and not able to psychically know that discussions about Christmas are going on without her. I mean it's still only August, not the 1st December......

You’ve said your family has ‘stately homes’ issues and that you’ve been on those threads. You describe a ‘golden child’ dynamic with your parents and sister.

With that being the case, you’re (sadly) being unrealistic to hope for fair, considerate treatment from your parents or sibling. And unwise to continue to ‘put yourself out there’ with them all, when it’s clear what will happen.

‘Family is important’ ethos is great, but when family aren’t treating you and your DC well it’s wishful thinking that things will be different. Some of your comments suggest that you might still be over optimistic about your family.

Would get back over to the Stately Homes threads and the resources on there.

And plan nice things for you and your DC for the festive period.

But the OP is the one complaining it's short notice? If she needs more notice for these things, she needs to raise it on her timescale. What she seems to have done is just assume her aging parents will always host her and that's not reasonable

I’m really sorry you’re feeling hurt but I’m not sure what you think they should do differently - there’s no version of a Christmas holiday that you could join as you can’t afford it and share custody. So expecting them to never go away over Christmas for 16-18 years is a big ask. You said everyone else is off work so it’s a good time for them to go away - it’s a sad fact that it’s not a good time for you.

enjoy a peaceful day - I’m sure you can come up with a way to make some memories with your son

Court ordered contact is about the child, not the wishes of unpleasant parents.

If the current arrangement means your child is consistently missing out on time with their wider family then there is no reason why a court might not reconsider.

Also, you say your child is a tween? In my experience the court will take the wishes of a child over ten into account. One has to bear in mind that you can’t realistically physically force a child over about 11 or 12 to do something they don’t want to do. (By that age you have to rely on their trusting you and wanting to please.)

So how does your child feel about the current arrangement?

@tumblingdowntherabbithole

if a member of your own family will be otherwise alone you do what you can to prevent that if that’s not what they want, no? Tis the season. I feel this keenly as I’m not sure what I’ll do in the future and it’s sad.

I'm not sure I agree - especially if it means you can never do what you want as you're always accommodating another person.

OP has nearly four months to make other plans for Christmas if she doesn't want to spend it alone.

Due to mostly shitty family, we have mostly spent Christmasses with friends……. Over the years they have become like our extended family

I agree if someone is totally alone but the OP isn't - she has her child. Thinking about it, perhaps this is where some of the disagreement on this thread comes from.

Having said that I also think family should be able to do what they want at Christmas and not compelled to fit around your restrictions. I hate the fact that at Christmas people without any connections feel even more lonely than at other times

I understand why you feel sad but there’s nothing you can do to change it.

So what you can do is decide what you’d like to do and what would make you happy.
It is your Christmas too.

As a single parent myself, I’d love nothing more than getting some junk food and staying in bed watching movies and playing PlayStation.
That would be my ideal Christmas.

Yours may be going for a nice long walk or going to a party or something.

You have no commitments, so you get to choose to do whatever you want.

My place is tiny, no way my cooker could fit any the food in. If I had a bigger place I absolutely would invite them round and host

If your parents have hosted every Christmas for the last ten years (if not also the twenty years before that?!) then I can completely understand why they want an all inclusive holiday this year.

It's very easy to say of course you'd host if you had a bigger house. It's up there with 'of course you'd drive everyone to work/back from the pub/station/airport if only you could drive'.

You've got 4 months to plan a lovely Christmas for your son. Invite a friend round for drinks, go to a Carol concert, see a show, play board games, go to the cinema, plan a long Boxing Day walk, zoom your family and plan a quiz, go to a Christmas market etc etc

Let your parents go and be waited on at Christmas for a change,

Yes I’m afraid I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong really. They’re allowed to want to go away and have the sort of Christmas they’d like to have. They asked you if you’d like to join, with plenty of warning. They have other things going on in their lives; you have other things going on in your life. You’re not the center of their Christmas plans, but they seem to be yours. Are they never to have the sort of Christmas they’d ideally like because of your circumstances?

I've spent every Christmas with parents except one when I had covid a few years ago.

I missed this post-it looks like your parents have hosted every single Christmas for a long time then! It could be that your sibling is doing a nice thing for them to suggest an inclusive so they can have a year off hosting. That doesn't mean that they have to pay for you to go though.

Honestly, just have a nice Christmas on your own with your child. A psychologist once told me one of the biggest causes of stress in this country is the obsession with being surrounded by family at Christmas. It is one day of the year.

I don’t know who came up with the notion that if you’re spending Christmas on your own, that reflects your relationship with family as negative or as a failure.

I know you feel put out, but just take the high road, smile and let them go. have a lovely special day just you and your child. Please don’t place too much meaning on this one day.

I’m sure you can have a wonderful day with you and your child.

I'd be hurt too.

Its August. I'm too busy thinking about back to school atm so christmas has not been on my mind

You’re saying it’s too early to plan and those who holiday for Christmas have said your sister and mother have actually left it late to plan.

My in-laws will be away this year, I’m sure it’s likely been booked since last year. They go every other year though I wouldn’t blame them if they went every year.

There is over 20 of us when they host and frankly I could think of nothing worse. It’s hectic enough for 5 of us without thinking of everyone else’s needs wants likes and dislikes. Cousin fights and fall outs. Someone’s wants the tv on others don’t. But the ones who do don’t want the same thing on. More veg than a greengrocer to keep everyone happy. Some goose fat pots some not, then there’s mash too. Pigs with and without blankets, fat yorkies non fat yorkies. Turkey and beef but so and so only likes chicken. Water gravy, think gravy in types for each meat. Stuffing and sauces and different wines and beers.

Get a head ache thinking of it all.

Easy so be if I could I would. Bit like when you imagine if you won the lottery you would give away so much again. But then once it’s in your hands 1 million doesn’t actually go far. If you need a house, a house for each child. Depending on area the 1 mils gone before your first house is done.

OP your parents have hosted for years and you’ve not had that worry.

Instead of being upset and feeling left out this year, be thankful that most of the time you’ve been invited and not had the worry of having to do it all yourself.

It’s nice that they don’t have the worry of hosting this year.
It can be very stressful.

Easy so be if I could I would. Bit like when you imagine if you won the lottery you would give away so much again. But then once it’s in your hands 1 million doesn’t actually go far. If you need a house, a house for each child. Depending on area the 1 mils gone before your first house is done.

I agree with this. It's like when non-drivers don't understand how tiring it can be to always be the designated driver.

OP has never hosted and has no idea how stressful it can be to be the ones responsible for everything, year after year. Sorting the shopping, catering for preferences and allergies, making sure the house is tidy and presentable, sorting out any sleeping arrangements etc. It's exhausting and it sounds like mum and dad have never had a break from it.

What country have they found where a weeks AI is £700 at Christmas with weather decent enough to sit out in the sun? A lot of the "holiday" places really don't have nice weather in December.

YANBU to feel sad that you are overlooked. You would be unreasonable if you let the upset get in the way of iving your child the best Christmas.

So if we have a sibling on less money, who won't take access arrangements back to court, we can't ever go away for Christmas?
It's interesting because when it's a MIL/SIL and she wants to bring a friend, everyone backs the OP on not inviting her, because there's two of them, so they aren't alone.
Now the OP's child is twelve, their wishes would be taken into account by the Court and it would be very unlikely that permission wasn't granted. I might not get it because we aren't all joined at the hip. I don't always expect an invite from my children or when my sister was going out with my Mum. It's for everyone to build a life for themselves and I incude older parents in that. Occasionally we all should be able to have them Christmas we want.

Or, hear me out, theyre spending christmas how they would like to and how their finances permit.

OP, I get that you feel hard done to. Your sibling is the golden child. Your parents are wealthy and selfish. It's shit that your ex won't compromise on parenting. It's only August so why would you think about Christmas...Etc. Etc.

It is also a matter of perspective. Despite what you have said, everything is about you and your wants. You want your parents to host Christmas because you want Christmas your way with the extended family. You want them to continue to do this despite having done it for 10 and counting years. You don't have time to think about Christmas because your child is going back to school. You don't have any friends that you might make plans with. Your place is too small to host, so you can't think of any alternative other than your parents doing it. You can't afford it so nobody else should have what they can afford. Your ex won't compromise on dates so everyone else needs to organise around that.

But they are the selfish ones?

Loads of this is in your hands. You can't change that they are going somewhere for Christmas, at a time that suits them and to a place they want to go - but you could change your attitude about that and wish them well because it will be such a nice treat for them after years of everyone else first. You don't have anyone to spend Christmas with - well you have your son on Christmas day. Lots of people don't even have that, so what about looking at some volunteering to make someone elses Christmas, maybe someone who doesn't have anyone for them every Christmas??

Change your perspective and it isn't all about you. Change your perspective and you might find fulfillment in doing something different and'or for someone else. You can find problems and barriers, or you can create opportunities. In the end if your sibling and parents are the worst and most selfish people in the world (and I don't think there's much evidence of that despite what you think) you can be whoever and whatever you want. You can find all the negatives and luxuriate in grievances, or you can find just one positive and make something good.

I'd start saving up for next year, don't invite them, take a short break with DD.