Not being able to go and being alone over christmas

[Summersalmostover]

So before I begin I would like to say I have been left out before when it comes to holidays and days out with family etc.

I am a single parent with 1 child who is a tween. Today I saw my sibling and they mentioned about going away over Christmas and our DM said to let me know. Sibling said it was all inclusive for a week in an area. I got no say in board or location. Sibling said that they had found holiday for around 700 per person all inclusive.
I told Sibling there was no way I could afford that in 3/4 months. Usually I've had to pay a holiday off 1 year or more in advance. Sibling mentions a child free place but I said you need to adults to get the deal and so I wouldn't get it.
Im a single salaried person who still has all the same costs as a double adult family like Sibling and our parents are well off so doesnt matter to them the price.
Also I cant just go any dates due to child going with father over Christmas. Child father would not allow it and we are court ordered. Which family havent thought about.
Now I know its not their fault im a single parent or that there is court ordered child arrangements.
However there seems to be no flexibility for board, area or dates that could make it possible for us to come along. Even if I did it for 4/5 nights.
So it looks like I will be spending Christmas on my own this year with just my child and then alone boxing day.

Aibu to feel upset about it. I know that regardless me being alone family wont think about it and will still going ahead with what they want and not being inclusive of me and my child.

@Summersalmostover
So your parents have form for treating you badly?
Would you actually have a good time of you went with them?

If they really wanted you to come they would have arranged it in the beginning so you all booked something that suited everyone.

it would be entirely reasonable for you to be hurt by this. Especially as you usually spend Christmas together. Your mum is a coward by asking your Dsis to mention it in passing.

But the alternative is that they're never allowed to go away at Christmas because you can't afford it? That's not fair on them. Make alternative plans. See other family members, friends, or create new traditions just between you and your child.

I'm often a last minute, seat-of-the-pants person when it comes to booking travel but even I think that they're left it late to plan a Christmas away when there are three households involved PLUS multiple adults needing time off work at a time everyone else wants too, one child splitting Christmas time between two parents, AND it's an especially busy and expensive travel time. And of course the dates should be discussed, not dictated - although I'm getting the feeling your sister perhaps had a whim to travel at Christmas (which is often not as fun as people think it will be) and picked a spot and is basically saying "come along if you want". But I'd also talk to your mother directly about this if you haven't, and maybe suggest putting off a Christmas trip until next year if it's genuinely wanted and if you could work out something with your ex given more time.

Being just the two of you on Christmas Day and solo on Boxing Day doesn't have to be miserable, though, if that's what ends up happening. Plan to spend the days exactly as you (and your child, for the time he's with you) like.

I agree with this completely

The OP has had it her way for a decade, it doesn't make her family big meanies for wanting to do something different one year.

This is my thought too - how long should they be expected to curtail their own wants to accommodate the OP?

I don't think they should have to curtail their plans because you can't afford it. It sounds like the bigger problem is the days with DC father so wouldn't that mean they can't go away at Christmas ever because you can't?

£700 is really cheap. Surely you can save that over the next five months?

Think of it as spreading the fun. You can do a fake Christmas either before they go away or when they get back. You and your dd can do your own “Christmas Day” whenever it works with custody agreement. December 25th even if on your own get all your favourite foods and watch some good tv. It’s just a change of mindset

I must say I can never see how swap overs between Christmas Day and Boxing Day - or sometimes even halfway through Christmas Day - can be much fun for the children involved. One of the best things about Christmas is the heightened and exciting relaxation; the days spent in pyjamas with no pressure to do anything in particular. That’s not possible if you’re constantly preparing to be rushed somewhere else.

I think there are millions of families who wouldn't be able to save £700 over the next three or so months.

I know but DC is an absolute horrible human and this is what he won in court and he will not change it so im stuck with the arrangement

Sorry DC dad that should say

You don't have to be alone! Cook up a massive dinner and invite people over!

@Summersalmostover I apologise if this is just not a possibility due to court order etc but is there any chance you could ask ex to be flexible this time so your child gets to spend time with wider family? Could the request go through a mediator? Or could you go slightly different days/arrange own travel, with partial overlap?

Your DM asked your sibling to tell you about the holiday so that doesn't sound like deliberately excluding you. Even if they had discussed it with you a few months ago you wouldn't have been able to afford it/get the time away from your DC's father. I do understand how being involved with the planning might make you feel more included, even if the end result was the same. In future, could your parents claim a free child place for your DC (although you may still end up paying a single person supplement)?

Thanks but I don't have anyone to invite. No one is in a similar position and all have their own families or go to different cities to spend time with parents. One friend will have a new born so thats a no. I don't had a huge circle of friends so there is no one else I can ask.

Absolutely, I doubt I'd be able to save that over the next 3 years.

Oh to be in a position where £700 is not a lot of money!

I read that as £700 per person and OP would have to pay for her child too. It is absolutely a lot of money for many people! There are 4 more pay days before Christmas (if you get your December pay early) and normally extra expenses at this time of year.

It’s interesting that dates and place are arranged between your sister and mother and then you are told when and where it is and asked if you want to come. That to me says they prioritise the holiday over spending time with you. Either that or this is a persistent family dynamic that may need breaking up. If you genuinely want to spend time with them, you need to let them know clearly ‘ah that’s a shame I can’t do those dates because of the court order and it’s also too expensive for me. I would love to go away with you all next time but would need to be involved in initial discussions about timings and cost’. Then if they do it again next year - rinse and repeat. Either they will be motivated to change or they won’t. There’s not much else you can do.

I’ve never been able to go away for Christmas as my kids want to see their dad on Boxing Day. That’s life. You can’t expect your family to change their plans to fit around your situation.

But you could equally say that the OP is quite passive - doesn't sound like she proactively talked to them about Christmas either, just assumed her parents would host her without asking them

I think there’s a lot of cold and unfeeling responses here. Not everyone has a warm family, a wide social circle or plenty of disposable income and it’s not ok to just exclude someone from family Christmas plans based on money. Hardly the spirit of Christmas

Sounds like mums had enough of hosting which she’s allowed to do. No doubt she felt like she’s had to host all these others years and now she wants a break.

Unfortunately your custody time even if you had the money makes an actual Christmas break impossible.

Because I’m sorry but I wouldn’t be coming home Boxing Day or arriving Boxing Day for an actually Christmas break. I’d want to be there before Christmas Eve and back after Boxing Day.

Does it suck, sure. Your not alone though ok Christmas Day you have your child and Boxing Day nearly everything’s open again like a normal day.

I think that's sad. But you obviously have issues with them anyway so you might enjoy this Christmas more?

Maybe spend the time up to Christmas looking at ways to meet new people? Is there much going on in the area? Churches are good and community centres.

Surely it's also not okay to expect everyone to accommodate your needs for years on end?