To think my friend is ungenerous in only buying herself a concert ticket?

[LoisLaneKent]

My long term friend lives in the opposite end of the country and comes to stay once a year. Likewise I stay with her once a year.

Over the years one of our main shared hobbies has been going to gigs together. Last year she booked a gig in my city and asked to stay with me. I said yes but felt a little irked she didn’t either get me a ticket or invite me too. But I left it.

This year she said she wants to see a band in my city again. I suggested I may also want to go depending on finances (this year has been tough for me which she knows). She’s now told me she’s bought herself a ticket and asked to stay with me. AIBU to think this behaviour is a little ungenerous?

You are being too timid and massively over-thinking this.

Just ask her "can you get me a ticket too please?"

Clearly you've said something in the past that made her think you don't want to go.

Or just say "can you get me a ticket too or shall I buy my own ticket?".

Well, she's saving maybe £60 a night on a hotel, probably the same in food each day x5-7.
She can and should purchase you a ticket to the gig she's going to.
It's unthoughtful and tbh I'd not be having it. It's happened twice on the trot. It's becoming a habit of her coming to go to a gig and not even inviting you. Is there someone she's going with, or alone?
If someone else, she should stay with them, if alone. I'd feel pretty hurt.

Friend: can I stay with you?

You: No.

Surely this is how it should go:
Your friend calls you and says " Hey Lois, I see Beyoncé is on in your city next month. Do you fancy it?"
If you say yes, she buys 2 tickets and you send her the money for your ticket (or she might treat you - but the important thing is that she's asked you)
If you say no, then she says that she's going to go and can she stay with you. You agree because she's your chum and it will be good to see her
End

Yes you definitely are. You need to ask her why she’s not inviting you.

It is rude, she should absolutely be inviting. But perhaps because you aren’t saying anything, she is assuming you don’t want to go anyway (you say she’s socially awkward, that could be a factor) so the cycle continues.

Is it possible she's sitting at home wondering why you don't want to go to concerts with her anymore, @LoisLaneKent ?

She tells you when she's coming, what concert she wants to see, the dates, you make oblique comments about maybe going yourself and then ... nothing. You don't buy a ticket and you don't go. She may have surmised you don't want to go anymore.

As if the op was expecting the friend to shell out hundreds on a ticket 🙄🙄 she obviously meant cheap tickets. A £50 ticket would be nice in exchange for a weeks free bloody food and accommodation!

Sounds like she is going with others from your city that she knows from when she lived there. I love going most places alone, but even I dont want to go to a concert alone so I would be surprised if she is going on her own.

Maybe her friends dont want you to be invited? Do you know them? Though I do then wonder why she doesnt stay with them if this happens to be the case.

She wants free accommodation. Tell her that doesn’t work for you and she will need to look in hotels.

I'm still not sure if she's going to the gigs alone or with others but this makes it sound like she is going with others:
she went to uni in my city (where we met) and uses the time to catch up with various people
And also going to other social meet ups with others and without OP. That would also explain why she's knocking around for 5-7 days at a time.

OP, can you clarify?
How much time does she actually spend with you, doing fun stuff, during the 5-7 days? Is it a decent amount of time which just doesn't happen to include a gig?
Or does she treat your house like a free B&B and head out every night seeing her cool mates and leaving you hanging around like a lemon?

If it's the first scenario then it may be that she's just in the habit of seeing gigs with a particular friend/group and it doesn't occur to her that you're irritated about not being invited as (a) she does plenty of other stuff with you too (b) it would shift the dynamic if you dont usually socialise with the other friends and (c) you've never mentioned that you'd like to join.

If it's the second scenario then she's a user and can get to fuck.

Surely if this is about actually going along this is easily solved by talking.

Friend: I have got tickets to see xxxx in 28 October, mind if I stay over?

OP: oooh I love xxxx mind if I come along?

If friend says yes, ask which area she's in so you can buy a ticket for the same, or say buy one for me and send me your bank details so I can pay you back. She may well say she'll treat you.

If it is about the money and she doesn't offer then say "well since you are staying with me perhaps you could get the tickets since I'll be hosting" but it does depend a bit on what hosting actually involves for you, how much you enjoy the visits and how much the tickets are.

Other than the concerts how does it work when you visit one another? You've mentioned she catches up with uni friends so does she basically just use your home as a base? When you go see her do you do the same?

Is she going to the gigs with other friends that you are not friends with?

Last time she came to visit she went with other friends. I did find that off.

Bur I think PPs are right - I need to speak to her as we always went to concerts together. She hasn’t been ungenerous in other ways no, but it just feels a bit rude to me.

I would now try replying with 'ah, that won't work out this time as I've got lots on this week. Shame because I'd love to have gone to see That Band!' And see what she says.

It does sound now as if yours is the nicest place to stay and she's overlooking the rudeness of doing that while not planning to spend any time with you.

She stays a week and doesn’t get you a £50 ticket? I think I’d be venting on here too! She’s not taking you out for multiple dinners/buying a big shop? How much would it cost for her to stay in your city for 5-7 days? I’d say that’s well cheeky and staying that long would make me sharpen some knives!

Then tell her to bloody well stay with them!

just say "oh sorry, i have plans that day/week" and you can't stay, have fun at the gig"

She can’t be that socially awkward if she’s expecting to crash at yours for a whole week and not contribute anything!

This is well put

I would reply I can let you know near the time as I don’t want to commit to anything just now.

@LoisLaneKent are the other friends people you don’t get on with? I could understand if she wants to go alone, but going with others while staying at yours for a week is a bit cheeky!

She didn't exclude you but probably thought you'd buy your own ticket if you were planning to go. You weren't in a position to commit, so she might have worried they would sell out if she waited.

I don't have a problem putting friends up, and I don't mind if they go out for a night without me. Maybe she thought you'd appreciate her not getting under your feet of she's staying for a few days.

Yeah that’s not good - is it because she is going with someone else or likes to go alone?

So she’s basically using you as a hotel. That would upset me too, but if your friendship is otherwise good then it’s difficult. You need to weigh up the pros and cons of your relationship and then decide whether to talk to her about how you feel, accept it and say nothing so you can stay friends, or simply not let her stay with you again.

Probably because OP also spends a week for free at hers. It’s a reciprocal arrangement you idiot.