To think my friend is ungenerous in only buying herself a concert ticket?

[LoisLaneKent]

My long term friend lives in the opposite end of the country and comes to stay once a year. Likewise I stay with her once a year.

Over the years one of our main shared hobbies has been going to gigs together. Last year she booked a gig in my city and asked to stay with me. I said yes but felt a little irked she didn’t either get me a ticket or invite me too. But I left it.

This year she said she wants to see a band in my city again. I suggested I may also want to go depending on finances (this year has been tough for me which she knows). She’s now told me she’s bought herself a ticket and asked to stay with me. AIBU to think this behaviour is a little ungenerous?

The friendship isn’t in question. It’s just this scenario

Maybe im being too timid. Maybe I need to ask about why she keeps going alone when we always went to concerts together before.

Text her back to say that you can't afford to host her & send her the link for a premier inn. Cheeky cow, she's not into the friendship & is just using you for free accommodation.

If she a good enough friend for you to host for so many days why can’t you talk to her about it?
Surely your simmering resentment is eventually going to kill the friendship otherwise, if you like her as a friend you have to address this.
Do you worry that she doesn’t really value the friendship anymore and you’re just convenient free accommodation when she wants to visit the area and catch up with other friends?

My friend moved out of London and as far as I’m concerned my house is open to her whenever. She stays with you for five to seven days, so she’s going to a thing but then you get to hang out with her? I’d never expect my friend to by me a ticket to whatever she was going to which is why she’s in town if I couldn’t afford it, I might be jealous but I’d also just be glad to see her.

I think its weird that people are saving you are saving her money, and she's using you as a free hotel. The visits are reciprocal, and since when did we start thinking that having friends to say was something so transactional.

Of course you should just ask her why she isn't inviting you.

My long term friend lives in the opposite end of the country and comes to stay once a year. Likewise I stay with her once a year.

So the two of you trade off equally going to stay with each other (for multiple days it sounds like) once per year each... that sounds fair and reciprocal.

During her last turn to come visit you there was a concert she wanted to go to on her own one of the nights. This cost you nothing and the two of you had your normal visit the rest of the time. Do I have that all correct?

Honestly it doesn't seem like she's using you at all unless you've left out the part about you paying for both of you to attend gigs during your turn to visit her. She doesn't need to "pay you back" for having her stay with a concert ticket because she does so by having you to stay in equal turns.

It's very normal and reasonable when a friend comes to visit for several days to have a day or evening when they do something off on their own amidst the time you spend together. That's not the same as her treating your home like a hotel or freeloading.

She is rude to not ask you if you would like to go with her but not unreasonable not to pay.

Talk to her!
Did you, either last year or this year, say, "Sounds like fun! Could I join you?" and get fobbed off?
Or has this awkwardness about whether or not you can invite yourself along kind of crept in?
I think she's maybe taking your vague "depending on the finances" comments to mean that you're just not into the bands she now likes going to see.

It sounds like you’re good friends & if she’s socially awkward she may not realise she’s offended you. Talk to her & tell her how you’re feeling.

’Ariana, next time you’re going to a gig can you invite me along as well? You know how much I enjoy live music.’

I'd just say - oh, I thought we were going to go together?

Just tell her the truth - I'm a bit disappointed as I thought we were going to go together, but now you've bought a ticket without me.

And see what she says.

Did you pay for your tickets in the past when she stayed?

How long do you stay at hers when you visit?

It's a pity you have to unexpectedly go away that week and won't be able to put her up isn't it OP?

She is being tight, yes. It was only £50 for the ticket and she can't claim that she didn't know you'd enjoy it, because you had already mentioned it to her. She's chosen to ignore that.

If she spends some of the visit without you she's probably waiting for you to say 'i'd love to come get me a ticket ' with the expectation you pay her back.

She's telling you in advance of buying the ticket. Speak up.

Since she knows other people in the city, does she go to the gigs with them, not you?

You need to make yourself more clear.
Say next time, if you are in town to see a gig, I really do want to have the option of also attending. Please let me know before you purchase your ticket.
(Don't talk about your finances which can indicate that you are a non starter.)
Why not buy your own ticket as soon as she lets you know that she'd like to stay. Have a conversation when she asks if she can stay.

"Hey Jenny, you're welcome to stay, but i wish you invited me to the gig too i would have loved to come, do you think theres still tickets? Or did you not want to go with me, or did you think i wouldn't want to come? It just feels a bit strange youre staying at mine for the gig and we arent going together??"

Use your words and say what you mean for goodness sake. All the comments telling you to lie about that week not working for you etc... are not going to solve any misunderstandings or help anyone long term.

This! Tell her she can't stay because you're taking in a lodger for two weeks while she wanted to come to make ends meet. I would definitely not host said "friend".

Actually this is good and better than what I suggested. I am sure the world would be a better place if people were more honest (but tactful) with each other. And surely it would be possible to be honest with an old friend, and not let resentment fester and lose the friendship over it.

I think it’s weird you expecting her to buy you a concert ticket.

It is weird she doesn’t think to invite you along though.

Does she bring any sort of gift of appreciation like wine? Flowers? Anything?

If not then it’s weird of you to keep on letting her take the piss all this time and also weird to be resentful about it.

I would just say she can’t stay and explain why. But to expect her to buy you a ticket is odd.

Sorry if this was already clarified, but is this visit in addition to the annual reciprocal visit or is it the annual visit?

Your solution is to make it really clear what your intention is.

your friend needs certainty, not "I may go, depending on..."

I suggested I may also want to go depending on finances (this year has been tough for me which she knows)

she can't work with vagueness, and you only have to look on the frequent threads on MN to realise how common it is for people to expect to be financed by their friend and never give the money back despite chasing, embarrassing conversations and ultimatums.

if you really want to go to concerts with her and you know she buys tickets then make an arrangement where you repay upfront or quickly after, how do you know if her finances can withstand paying for you in advance!

Is she going with someone else/others? Don't get why she wouldn't invite you otherwise (but not necessarily pay)...Or if not, is there still time to get a ticket, say I can afford it after all? 🤔

Is it sold out? Is the a reason you can't just buy a ticket other than being put out by her not offering? Maybe she thinks if you wanted to go you'd just buy a ticket

Potentially rude not to ask you but I don't think she should be expected to pay for you. She's already spent time and money getting to you, and presuambly you enjoy having her over to stay. Plus you stay over at hers the same amount of time so it's not like this is a one-way street.

And when I say potentially rude, it may just be that she would expect you to say something if you wanted to go. I am a little socially awkward and I used to have a bad habit of telling friends my plans hoping they'd join, but I wouldn't necessarily ask them as I didn't want them to feel obligated. I am trying to train myself out of this now I'm older!