Total lack of effort in parenting-between the 80/90s and now

[Eatthecakeandshush]

This summer my Dd, 7, has:

Been to the beach numerous times
Been to the pool numerous times
Been on playdates
Had playdates at our house
Been to playgrounds
Been to slide park/indoor play place
Been to water parks
Been to cafes & shopping
Had picnics
Had Bbqs with toasted marshmallows
Done baking
Done crafts
Been on bike rides
Been to the skate park
Been to the lake
Been to fairs ….etc etc

I am no perfect parent, nor do I have tons of money.

She has also herself

Made dens
Played in the garden
Played on the trampoline
Played with toys
Swung in the hammock reading
Watched tv
Played games on my phone

At her age, I remember:

Watching a lot of tv
Playing with my toys
Playing on my brothers computer
Reading
Playing in the garden
Making dens
Going to the shopping centre as a treat for clothes-no cafe or McDonald’s etc, but a chocolate bar/sweets at the shops

Bike rides and knocking on at friends houses came later, but always entertaining ourselves

The same with weekends, we would sometimes go into the town shopping with mum, but mainly Saturdays would be spent finding things to do at home and my mum lying down on the sofa watching tv. Sundays were worse with Super gran on tv and literally nothing to do. Sometimes we’d walk to the park but I remember that being rare and it was exciting to drive to the tip with my dad!

The difference between my life and my DD’s is huge. Even things I notice with my parents now. When we go places, I like to choose ones where Dd can be happy/occupied, where there is not really much thought for this. They want to watch the news, which we never watch as Dd is usually watching tv at that point and we’re not really bothered tbh. My parents even seemed a bit put out when I played my dds cd in the car there and back when we all went out in the car recently

I think as kids we were always just expected to go along with what they were doing or sort ourselves out somehow. My dad played with us a lot when able to, mum never did. Definitely no days out that I do with dd or crafts or baking (aside from occasional flapjacks and mince pies at Christmas-which was nice)

I read my school book to my mum every night, but she didn’t do a bedtime story, dad did occasionally, whereas we’ve done that since she was tiny. No one checked my homework or got extra resources for at home to support and so on
We didn’t go to any clubs or summer clubs, when I asked my mum why, she said that I never asked to.

Everything I do is just the standard amongst my peer group for those with kids, in fact I perhaps do less as Dd plays with neighbours a fair bit.

Interesting to think how this generation will grow up compared to how we did, it’s just so different now.

Did anyone else experience similar?

Perhaps this is why people are having fewer children - this is what OP does with one child imagine if she had three who would most likely be different ages

Well yes I’m very glad that hitting children with belts is no longer acceptable, but I don’t think it ever was.

Sorry op but maybe it was just your parents?

I was born late 80s, raised by a single mother. I did watch a lot of tv. But I also did baking with my mum, she would initiate craft activities for me to finish, she encouraged clubs for me to go to, encouraged me to have friends round, took me to concerts and galleries, took me on lots of walks, we went camping, went to stay with friends in other places, went swimming multiple times a week. I had bed time stories every night and she even read me the lord of the rings when I was an age appropriate for that!

I was always expected to amuse myself for periods of time too though and expected to come to her activities and nicely do colouring books at the side. She wouldn't play toys with me. She would do bored games or cards though. We did not go to cafés or restaurants - that was too expensive but she would buy occasional treats from the bakers.

My Dad would've been described as a Disney dad nowadays. But he would do things like ice skating, bowling and restaurants with me.

I think things are too child focused now. Parents feeling under pressure to constantly be making memories and kids not being given an opportunity to just be alone and bored for a decent stretch.

I count myself in this - feeling guilty if they go a day without something being arranged. I used to go for days with nothing set up by my parents and I remember how bored I’d get until I’d read or make up dances in my bedroom. My parents were both working and didn’t have money for lots of activities. I had to fit into their lives mostly. I used to look forward to us doing the big weekly shop in Sainsbury’s and the veg market as an outing! I’ve turned out mostly fine.

I don’t think current parenting is better than then. think there’s a link between all this activity and parent and child stress.

you make no sense. Did you mean to say that or you not very sharp? 😂

When I was a kid I can count on one hand the number of times I went to soft play, McDonalds or a theme park. It was a treat reserved for birthdays, if at all. Summers were spent with the childminder and we did one week of summer school at the primary school. Rarely even went on walks etc.

Agree 100 percent with this. I also think the grandparents should have been allowed to watch the news, rather than the child watching cartoons. Not sure if I agree with the philosophy that kids' preferences must come first, every time.

Do you work OP? My parents both worked full time so we didn’t have the time to spend every day doing parent led activities. However, we played out a lot, every day in fact. The kids nearby would all gang together and go to the park, go on bike rides, build dens, Saturday morning cinema club, visit the library and so on. We did loads, just with our peers not our parents. We certainly never went shopping because we had no spare money to buy stuff. It was a pretty good childhood.

I was born early 60s. My memories are of us having more freedom, very little traffic on the road. We could go off for a few hours and explore, as long as we didnt wander off alone, parents warned us not to speak to strangers.
Not much money around back then, eating out was a once a year treat, one gift for birthdays, one gift and and a few bits at Christmas. I cringe when I see social media pics of 3 year old kids stood in front of a huge mountain of presents!! Few people had cars, we walked or cycled everywhere.

The downsides were that children had no rights, victim blaming was rife, some teachers/those in authority were basically nasty thugs, children weren't believed, called liars etc.
Overall I would say I had a fairly happy childhood, and my children who were born late 80s/early 90s also managed to transition into well rounded adults. IMHO the rot started to set in as the Internet took over our lifes x

Oh and to add to my last post, on a Sunday we would go for a walk down the canal as a family and stop at the canal side pub where parents would be inside and kids would play outside with a pop and bag of crisps. Kids weren’t allowed in pubs back then.

I think societal shifts impact our parenting, it's not necessarily better now with the intense child centred parenting styles.

My late 50's country childhood - lots of time with my parents, but usually spent outside - he was into country sports, so time spent at the river fishing where my mum took a picnic. She encouraged my love of reading, so into town every week to choose a new book and also visited the mobile library that came round once a fortnight. I spent lots of time alone as well, amusing myself but had a very loving, secure childhood. Holidays and days out usually revolved around my father's interest - he rented a fishing lodge by a lough in rural Ireland. When we got there the owners said they were established there and could we stay in their house? (a country house mansion!) - such a wonderful holiday. Other holidays spent with relatives, again out and about in the countryside on bikes (usually a pub visit was involved - and of course I was left outside with crisps and a drink!!!). It made me very independent - I bought my own house at the age of 22 when that was a very unusual thing to do in those days for a girl on their own (this was thanks to my job at the time and the availability of staff mortgages).

My daughter's childhood - again a country childhood, but fractured by divorce. Lots of holidays, days out, material things. Holiday clubs at times as I was working during some of the school holidays. We're very close and it's joyous to now see her parenting her children.

Their childhood - Disneyland, villas abroad, holidays in UK. Lots and lots of toys and electronics. Plenty of time spent outside - particularly when they're with us as we live in the country. One of them loves growing things from seeds, which Granny carefully nurtures. They're happy, confident children.

So different times, different circumstances - my parents happy marriage, my divorce followed by a happy marriage when my daughter was 5 and my daughter's happy marriage - I think the stability (or not) of parents relationship has a profound impact on childhood experiences far more than the superficial stuff of which there's such much more available now, at a price!!!!

I actually think running life around children’s wants has made a significant change in society and we’ve got some pretty snowflake young people and adults who are self centred and lack social skills and work place skills.
However putting children’s NEEDS first is important and sometimes that wasn’t done enough.
Mainly though I think we’re producing some useless adults with no social responsibility.

When we were children in the 90s, there were lots of kids on our street, we would call for each other and play in each others gardens, sometimes disappear around the neighbourhood on our bikes. My sister and I were close in age and made a lot of games amongst ourselves. We would have a holiday and a few days at play scheme/days out, but mainly at home. This was pre computers and kids tv was only a few hours per day (breakfast and evening) sometimes we watched the crystal maze. I look back on it fondly but know that times have changed and it wouldn’t be acceptable for kids to roam around the neighbourhood without supervision.

we do more days out now (cinema, climbing, national trust etc) but I don’t think the kids have so much freedom to make their own fun without a parent or structured activity directing it. We probably get more moaning/squabbling because they are sometimes hungry, bored or have to do something the others wanted to do/walk a long way from the car park etc. I think as parents we feel more pressure to get out and doing things because at home you are constantly battling the kids desire for screens. I also find you end up spending out an about whereas my parents were very much flask of tea and corned beef sandwich, unfortunately my kids love a cafe, a habit established when they were very small, but quite expensive now they are big. Also I think all that time cooped up with covid makes us more inclined to get out and experience things now and of course in the U.K. it’s the weather too (and what to do when it rains for weeks on end).

I think we are all just doing our best within our circumstances and culture around us. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with pulling back and having a bit more quiet downtime at home, and not feeling peer pressured into doing expensive trips out.

My Dad told me that's "kids are just extras in your movie".

There are a lot of reasons that I am NC with parents but this attitude probably sums it up.

I think that is a valid point

I think it's great that my DGC are involved in lots of activities with their parents but I think they would benefit from being bored at timed. Every minor dispute between the kids is refereed by the parents instead of letting them attempt to sort it out themselves. It's impossible for adults to have a conversation without being constantly interrupted. I often return from spending time with them all feeling mentally exhausted and knowing little about what's going on in my DC's lives as everything revolves round the DGC. Having said all that I'm happy they're having a better childhood than I had in the 60's and 70's.

I'm quite sure I don't! What sort of preparation for life is that, or even for school? We all have to learn to give and take, to take turns, to put others first when necessary.

She's correcting your English. Presumably this makes her feel good. In my view it makes her look smug and rude.

I'm 64. My parents valued education and were very keen for my brother and me to do well. They never got involved with homework because that was between us and our teachers. They read our school reports and went to parents' evening. That was as far as it went. I do remember my mother going into my school once to talk to the Head because I was struggling in the maths set I'd been allocated to. The Head was kind but refused to put me down a set, so I struggled on, and my parents accepted that. In the long run it did me no harm. Many parents are over-involved in their childs' lives now, especially what happens at school. No wonder so many teachers are fed up and leaving the profession.

But there’s also expectation for parents to do reading. Spellings, homework (often on aps) from the age 5 nowadays. Teachers rely on parents to teach at home to embed learning.

It was my mum with her wooden spoon that scared me the most! We weren't supposed to be noisy in the house or make any mess, that would get you a whack, so we played outside as much as possible. Indoors was for reading and tv. Reading was mostly comics like the Beano, but if you were middle class you'd have Asterix. The most important thing on tv was Top of the Pops, if you had a tape recorder, you would record it every week.

As a kid in the 80s your most valued possession was a bike. That represented real freedom and possibilities. It actually still does for me, I love the feeling of charging off down the road.

Only child, growing up abroad in the 90s with a SAHM. I remember a lot of boredom but found it formative - we’d go to the library once a week when we did the weekly shop and I’d borrow the maximum number of books on my card and my mum’s, get home, read them all that day and the next, and then reread them until the next week’s visit. I had unlimited (I think) time on my GameBoy and then a CD player/DiscMan. I wasn’t sociable at all and neither were my parents, so I wouldn’t see another child during weekends and holidays.

My own children are put into more organised activities but that’s partly because I find them overwhelming otherwise. I encourage them to play alone or with one another a lot, and to look forward to and take pleasure in walking the neighbour’s dog, picking berries or baking a cake.

My Gdcs have had virtually non stop activities/days out/holidays all summer. But both parents are working full time.

I can’t help comparing with my own summer holidays - well before 80s/90s.

We did nearly always have a fortnight at the U.K. seaside, which I loved, but for the rest, it was a case of play in the garden or read a book.

And that was luckier than many - we always had a big garden, too. My DM didn’t work until I was around 14 (I had considerably younger siblings) so different from many now. By 16 I was dying to get a summer holiday job, to earn some cash, but had to stay at home to look after siblings. DM said she’d give me some money to part compensate, but she never did. 🙁

Well that may have been the case in your family but that’s not my recollection of my childhood. Sure we were left to our own devices more - which meant get outside and play! Nothing on TV during the day except for races and my parents didn’t allow more than an hour a day anyway.
So, we read, played outside, went to the park. Occasional trips to the beach, a week maybe two on holiday somewhere. Definitely loads of trips to the pool. My parents were keen museum goers so a few of those. I remember three years in a row going to day camp for a couple weeks. There weren’t any play centres like you have now.
I don’t think you can compare childhoods from decades past to now. We are certainly more ‘childcentric’ these days. My mother worked until I was about 7. She took us to the park a lot when we were very small as we lived in central London with a postage stamp sized garden. But I remember ballet lessons and fun fairs. Then we moved more suburban so we were able to go play out more with neighbourhood kids or just ourselves.
Now parents seem reluctant to let their kids go off on their own. And there is more inside entertainment too. Plus a drive to give children educational experiences rather than just letting them chill and explore and discover on their own. A more directed and managed childhood.

I can completely relate to this, and feel resentful that my parents put so little effort into raising me. I was born in the mid 70s, but without the free range benefits that others of my generation describe.

My DSis and I were born too far apart to have anything in common, and I was lonely as a child - summer holidays were dull and if the weather was nice, my mum often rushed to clean the house in the morning, then spent it sunbathing and snoozing in the garden, with the understanding that it was her time, and she was not to be disturbed.

My mother was a SAHP, until I was a teenager, but emotionally wasn't present. Both parents were functioning alcoholics and probably presented as perfect. Appearances were everything.