Total lack of effort in parenting-between the 80/90s and now

[Eatthecakeandshush]

This summer my Dd, 7, has:

Been to the beach numerous times
Been to the pool numerous times
Been on playdates
Had playdates at our house
Been to playgrounds
Been to slide park/indoor play place
Been to water parks
Been to cafes & shopping
Had picnics
Had Bbqs with toasted marshmallows
Done baking
Done crafts
Been on bike rides
Been to the skate park
Been to the lake
Been to fairs ….etc etc

I am no perfect parent, nor do I have tons of money.

She has also herself

Made dens
Played in the garden
Played on the trampoline
Played with toys
Swung in the hammock reading
Watched tv
Played games on my phone

At her age, I remember:

Watching a lot of tv
Playing with my toys
Playing on my brothers computer
Reading
Playing in the garden
Making dens
Going to the shopping centre as a treat for clothes-no cafe or McDonald’s etc, but a chocolate bar/sweets at the shops

Bike rides and knocking on at friends houses came later, but always entertaining ourselves

The same with weekends, we would sometimes go into the town shopping with mum, but mainly Saturdays would be spent finding things to do at home and my mum lying down on the sofa watching tv. Sundays were worse with Super gran on tv and literally nothing to do. Sometimes we’d walk to the park but I remember that being rare and it was exciting to drive to the tip with my dad!

The difference between my life and my DD’s is huge. Even things I notice with my parents now. When we go places, I like to choose ones where Dd can be happy/occupied, where there is not really much thought for this. They want to watch the news, which we never watch as Dd is usually watching tv at that point and we’re not really bothered tbh. My parents even seemed a bit put out when I played my dds cd in the car there and back when we all went out in the car recently

I think as kids we were always just expected to go along with what they were doing or sort ourselves out somehow. My dad played with us a lot when able to, mum never did. Definitely no days out that I do with dd or crafts or baking (aside from occasional flapjacks and mince pies at Christmas-which was nice)

I read my school book to my mum every night, but she didn’t do a bedtime story, dad did occasionally, whereas we’ve done that since she was tiny. No one checked my homework or got extra resources for at home to support and so on
We didn’t go to any clubs or summer clubs, when I asked my mum why, she said that I never asked to.

Everything I do is just the standard amongst my peer group for those with kids, in fact I perhaps do less as Dd plays with neighbours a fair bit.

Interesting to think how this generation will grow up compared to how we did, it’s just so different now.

Did anyone else experience similar?

Yes you’re absolutely right and it there has been a shift towards child centric parenting (this is something I studied at uni).

Kids now are given less freedom and more structured, organised activities. I don’t think they ever have a chance to be bored, there’s too much stimulation now. Kids TV around the clock, iPads etc, so even when it’s downtime there’s something to do.

In the 80s/90s kids had to make their own fun. In my case (living rurally with very limited opportunities), I used to spend a lot of time outside with animals, and a lot of time reading and creative writing for fun. This came from boredom, I think there’s a lot to be said for boredom and also being able to wonder about stuff rather than being able to access the answer to any question in a millisecond.

Thank god things did change! Sounds awful.

I hear you but I think it’s gone the other way …which isn’t good either 💁‍♀️

Our mums. We were bored. We were aware.

I grew up in the 80s, we were out on bikes locally at 7 and across the city by 11/12.
I did stuff with my parents but definitely had more time playing out that my own kids.
Interestingly I was saying to my husband tonight my youngest, 17, lives hanging out with me and has never done the rebellious teen thing. Right now my twenty sonething has a friend lodging with us and a handful of friends upstairs hanging out. I was anywhere other than home at their age, in fact I left home at 19.
I don't think one is better or worse but I definitely have a better relationship with my kids as a result of being more involved (and maybe more in touch and communicative).
This isn't a fault of my parents though, they grew up with the trauma of war and post-war. It just is what it is.

I was brought up in the 60s and 70s. My parents took us out to the cinema, theatre, ballet and museums when we lived in London. When we moved out, we went to safari parks, historical monuments etc. We had 2 two week holidays a year, one at the seaside, staying in a caravan. We played with many toys, read, cycled and played in the garden. We went to brownies / guides / cubs and had music and swimming lessons.

30 to 40 years later, my children had similar. Only our holidays were mostly abroad in hotels and apartments and they used computers / dvds.

Totally agree . Too much helicoptering . It creates anxiety.

We went out and played
read books
made stuff
watched tv occasionally- the news was allowed always
we got on with our homework

i worry about modern kids - spoon fed entertainment , every wish heeded / I worry they won’t develop creativity, resilience and an accurate sense of an individuals importance

You played a 7 year olds cd's in the car on a journey with your parents? No wonder they were a bit pee'd off.

That would drive me nuts.

Not everything has to be focused on the child. It does a child good to experience things you enjoy too - listening to your music, your radio shows, watching films you like.

I remember going to gigs of parents friend when I was 7 and although I'd get bored after a couple of hours I have really fond memories of the atmosphere, the music, listening to the adults chatting and the other kids I'd get to know a bit.

It doesn't all have to be play dates and bouncy castles.

I’m an 80s baby/90s kid. My childhood was not like yours.

Mum was a single parent so not much money, but I remember doing lots of things- going for walks in the local woods/countryside with picnics, caravan holidays, swimming, baking, going to the park, crafts, board games, paddling pool in the garden, reading together etc. We have a close extended family so did lots together too including some holidays abroad a few times. Also had days out to theme parks, castles, horse riding etc as a treat when my Mum could afford it.

We had 2 girls next door the same age as me and my sister, so spent lots of time playing together.

From about age 10 onwards I would be out and about with a gang of friends- not pre-arranged by my mum but just knocking on each others doors as we all lived in the same town, going on bike rides, catching the bus to the next town, knocking on a neighbour’s door asking to take their dog out for the day! I just had to be home by a certain time, but my mum wouldn’t actually know what I was up to all day. I look back and remember how much fun I had.

My childhood was like yours. TBH I think the change is largely down to social media and competitive parenting. People are now more aware of what others are doing and want to show off about what great parents they are - ‘look at me and all the amazing stuff I’m doing with my kids!’.

I remember that once the front door was locked on the last day of school, that would be it for the next seven weeks, other than trudging to the shops to carry stuff once a week.

By the end of the first week, I'd have read any new books my brother brought in to try and give me something to do, started scouting round the house for other books that weren't for children (the nursing encyclopedia from the 1950s and an A-Z from 1967, together with a selection of Asterix & Tintin books in French from c.1965 that my brother had bought when he was allowed to go on holiday with a friend - something that was 'never going to happen, you're a girl' enabled me to plan an escape from the house [via Gaul, presumably] with the dog, dealing with gangrene and tuberculosis in the process was the nearest I had to a holiday) and there were still five weeks to go of getting up and sitting downstairs, getting up and sitting out the back by the bin in the shade, getting up and sitting on my bed and possibly an exciting moment if I found a felt tip from the Christmas pack was still working and a piece of paper to draw on or my brother would bring home a tennis ball and racquet so I could bash it against the kitchen wall in the five foot space for hours.

Highlight of one summer was finding a spanner left out which meant I could take the stabilisers off my bike. The one I wasn't allowed to ride because I'd obviously fall off and break my neck, apparently. She found it and used the spanner to remove the seat.

If I could have afforded a trip or activity every single day for my kids, I would have done it - because it was bloody miserable being cooped up for that length of time and they had done nothing to deserve it, either.

Saturdays were for sports in the morning and we would often go out in the afternoon, my parents didn’t have much money so this would be going to the park, the beach etc. In the summer we always had a key to the school pool so would go there a lot. Sundays were more boring, they were for cleaning and my grandparents always came over. I read a lot or played with my siblings/went to friends houses. Going to the cinema or the zoo was a special treat. To be honest my weekends are a bit the same! We do more paid for outings like the cinema but I work full time so we have to do around the house stuff at the weekends too. My kids go to the same school I did so we still get a school pool key 😂

Your experiences don't reflect mine. I'm not convinced about these "back in the old days" comments - there was never quite that level of similarity across families. And certainly, the way you descirbe your childhood is different to mine.

Yes, we were expected to to entertain ourselves and be more independent than I see a lot of my DC's friends being expected to do - but I'm doing my best to instil that in my DC now.

And actually yes, adults got to watch the news and we had to suck it up and no, we didn't have wheels on the bus on repeat in the car. But then, the only way my parents could access news was on tv at set times and in the newspaper - so that didn't seem unreasonable. And we certainly didn't have CDs or mixed tapes with kiddy songs on them. That would have been just weird. And actually, i don't allow my children to dominate the TV ither - ffs, they have phones and tablets etc, so sometimes I am using the main tv, and sometimes they are.

But my parents were very engaged. And one thing I have noticed is that when I was growing up, the dads were all very present in a way that is not always true today. It was dads who took us to late night parties (or collected us) as teens. Dads who drove us aroudn to sports fixtures. Dads who took us camping and sailing and swimming and cycling and hiking.

One final thing, when we look back on our childhoods, I thik we often tend to get ages confused. Most of us actually remember very little before the age of about 8 or 9. So yes, you might well have been bored a fair bit, but you might not be remembering the endless trips to the park either!

But your way is better for you, why do you assume yours is the better way of doing things? Each parent does things differently and each child has different needs and ideas on what they want and their own thoughts on what they like and dont like about their parents and childhood

I do th6inl parents overthink and cries of anxiety are rife and some children as raised as snow flakes, so who knows

There's a lot to be said for letting kids entertain themselves, or feel bored.

OP, your dm wouldn't have been able to order groceries. Takeaways were rare, appliances were less efficient & more work generally.

I grew up in the 60s and 70s. In the summer holidays we went out in the morning and didn't go home until it was supper time. Parents didn't know where we were, nor were they particularly bothered. We climbed trees, swam in the stream, wandered around the town, entertaining ourselves.

I've provided much more for my ds, he's had everything that I did not, with lots or travel and activities,

But my dm had to run a house for 7, no washing machine, no dishwasher. Very little money. Societal norms change. It's normal

I had similar at school. I didn't really have any friends in most of primary school. I just got on with it. Never told my mum or dad. As an adult found out that my mum knew I had no friends but didn't do anything about it. In contrast I always check what's going on with my kids at school and when my son was having problems in primary school with friends I would talk to him about it and try and find out how to help him and contact the school speaking to his teachers so they could try and help. My son knew he could come to me and he did, my mum didn't care!

Statistically it’s very likely that your dd will have much worse mental health than you and I believe it will be as a direct consequence of an ott level of focus from the parents.

This summer ds has -
been to the beach
been abroad
trampoliing
park
games cafe
rock climbing
sealife centre
golf
fair
museum
alpaca walking
When I was little I played with my toys, watched tv or from around the age of five I played out. Occasionally we would go to the park or I’d go shopping with mum (food not treats) . Once a year the fair came and we went to that and we went to butlins or similar once a year. I can’t ever remember my parents playing with me. I was never given help or direction with homework.

I think my experience was the more extreme end but yes it’s very different then and now. We are a lot more focused on our children, we value education more . And on top of that we are working harder with often both parents trying to cram in full time jobs. Which is why most of us are exhausted.

as a child in the 1970s we sat in the car in the pub car park many weekends.
imagine doing that now?
what is the actual difference though in our mindset? are we more resilient? are children now too self centred? too spend thrift?

although reading again, i had my dc in the 90s and we did a lot, very child centred, as well as dog walking, but we went for a walk and the dc climbed trees or made dens in the woods.
in the 1990s i read to my dc
i helped with homework
we did so much

Kids don’t get a chance to be bored or entertain themselves nowadays. Then parents wonder why they are fidgety and can’t focus and start seeking out diagnoses of things.
In my childhood we had a few lovely days out in summer, but it was mostly spent with friends or playing at home or in the garden.

This obsession with filling every second of a child’s life with ‘experiences’ just make those experiences blend into one. I remember days out fondly because they were much anticipated and treasured.

And we wonder why there are so many mental health problems in young people. It’s OTT, show-off parenting and over stimulation of children who are then not equipped for ‘normal’ life. It does kids good to get bored and use their imagination. It’s good for them to spend days making things out of boxes and playing with their toys.

“My child can’t sit still and focus in a classroom, he must have ADHD..” yet nobody ever considers the impact on kids who have spent all summer on the go and being permanently entertained/stimulated who then have to suddenly sit still in the classroom come September.

Modern parenting is causing a lot of ‘ND’ diagnoses. I truly believe it’s why we are seeing an increase in these things being diagnosed. Kids brains are being damaged by constant overstimulation (and screens).
There, I’ve said it. And you know what, I don’t think I’m alone in thinking this, but whether anyone is brave enough to agree is another thing!

Dons tin hat and runs for cover

i agree

perhaps we knew how to play, how to amuse ourselves, those brought up in the 1960s/70s.