MIL/SIL organised secret visit with my baby

[Loonadoona]

Bit of background. My partner and I have an 16 month old. MIL/FIL come to our house one day a week to look after him while we go to work. My partner has a sister who i get on well with but she lives about 2 hrs away so we don't see her often, although we text regularly. This week, we were at work and got a notification on our doorbell as there was a car pulling up on our drive. My DP messaged his mum and asked who it was and she said it was his sister (SIL). We knew nothing about this visit and nothing was mentioned the day before when I was having a text convo with SIL. So when we got home, SIL had gone and MIL/FIL were quite sheepish. We questioned why SIL had been to visit yet nobody mentioned it to us. We were stood chatting in the kitchen with MIL/FIL before we went to work but no mention of it.We made it VERY clear that there is no issue with her coming to visit, infact we wholeheartedly encourage her spending time with baby. But we said it was odd that nobody had mentioned it at all to us. MIL downplayed it, said she thought we knew she was coming and just said oh well. Also to note:MIL didnt think our doorbell worked so we think they thought it would be an entirely secret visit. So, we asked again, why not tell us, and MIL reluctantly said that SIL wanted to spend time with baby when me and my partner weren't there. Reason being, because shes worried she might do something wrong etc and its easier/more comfortable for her when mummy and daddy aren't there. SIL doesnt have kids (by choice so far but has settled with her partner now so may feel differently?) and is in late 30s Thats all we got as an explanation. My partner doesnt want to push it as he doesnt want to cause upset but he is as miffed as I am about it. We just don't understand. Now, this may sound like im a control freak, but thats my (our) home and my son was in it. Me and my partner should be the ones to decide who gets to visit and spend time with our son - whether that be family, friends or strangers. The fact that it was organised behind our backs has really annoyed and confused me. And the was MIL just shrugged her shoulders like it isnt an issue made it worse. Why arrange a secret visit when she could've just said 'Oh SIL wants to pop over today to spend time with baby, thats ok isnt it...' We would have said 'ooh lovely, thats fine and left it at that. But why the secrecy? Its so odd and sneaky....and a bit weird? Any thoughts? I might sound like Im making a big deal out of nothing but things like this really get to me. Its needless sneakiness and makes me feel like discussions have been had behind our back about how we might act around people when were with our son. We are so relaxed with people though, with everything other than screen time and sugary/salty foods, so I just don't understand....

Its not just 'popping' round though is it? It's a four hour round trip. Why couldn't she have come for the afternoon and stayed for tea when they'd come home from work?

No you do not sound controlling, it's not like they'd snuck her in to have a go in your pool, or borrow a coat or something. It is entirely natural to feel uncomfortable about them setting up the visit in secret. No one wants their child used in this way, they only had to say "ooh SIL is popping in to see baby today" and all would have been well. It's the secrecy about the visit. If she'd popped in while passing it would have been ok, I'm sure. It's this weird secrecy that would've have ruffled my feathers.

Specifically as the OP posted this earlier -

She's actually coming to visit on monday, just her, me and baby are spending the day together and this was arranged the day before the secret visit.

Oh we have had this scenario!
MIL had 2 children: dh and dsil.
Dsil was married but very very clear ahe did not want children, which mil preyended she was fine with but really she wasn't as she wanted grandchildren. However, MIL could not stand her son in law / DSIL husband so in a wayglad he wasn't going to be giving her grandchildren. It was very wierd.

Anyway, I met dh, thought I got on ok with MIL but once we got engaged it was loads if snippy comments and digs about my family (totally normal people who went out of their way to help.MIL lots of times!).

So, I had dc1 and MIL did not stop telling us that everyone,absolutely everyone, thought DSIL was dc's mother. But never thought DSIL's husband was the dad, leaving a bizarre situation of dh and his sister being implied as parents. Very wierd, again.

Dsil lives no more than 5 miles away from us. Her and her husband never ever visit or contact dc, but tell everyone at any events we dont let them see them and it's very difficult.

Then one day MIL accidentally let slip that a date when she was providing childcare when dh and O were both at work DSIL had booked they day off so she was coming to our house to go out with dc. Mil had mobility issues and DSIL is beyond idle (called to her mums one day, she couldn't wake her up so went back home and rang dh to say she was worried but never did anything....)

It was very very clear the plan was they were going out to play mummy and dpend the day in town with dc .

Both dh and Iwere livid and said no, there is lots more info about this situation but it boiled down to.mil wanti g dsil togave babies and was happy to try removing me from the picture to set her daughter up as dcs num!
Very very wierd and part of the reason the relationship between mil and me became nothing more than superficial politeness.

Bonkers op I've not read the thread but it's extremely odd and not acceptable you had no.idea through no fault of your own where your child was

It sounds like less of a secret, more that they just didn’t think they needed to mention it. You don’t mind her coming - when I opened this I thought your DH and his sister would be estranged or something - so I would just chalk it up to one of those odd things people do.

Reminds me of the time we bumped into MIL and we asked her what she was up to that evening and she didn’t mention that BIL and his gf were coming over. She can obviously invite them round without us and us without them sometimes if she wants to…but she thought we would feel left out so she just didn’t mention it, despite the fact we regularly get invited round without them!

This!

It is not controlling to expect bare minimum courtesy to inform the homeowners of who is coming and going through their home, family or not while you are there.

The secrecy around it makes it suspicious because it was unnecessary to make it secret in the first place.

Maybe SIL wanted to see her parents to discuss some private matter.

Still could have done that without the secrecy.

More suspicious considering OP and SIL are scheduled to see each other Monday.

OP talk to SIL and ask her about it when you see her then.

Some posters are being weird because in-laws watch the DS once a week as if that gives them free reign to have whomever at OP and her DH’s home. My own mum would not be happy if I had someone in her home that she wasn’t aware of, family or not nor would I not ask her beforehand and vice versa.

Why wouldn’t SIL mention it during the phone call the day before when they were arranging for her to come on Monday?

I might feel miffed if they were inviting random friends to your house but its your dh sister. You sound quite controlling and Im wondering if that's why she prefers to visit without you in case she does something wrong in your view

It’ll be interesting when they meet as arranged on Monday then.

I agree with you op. I would have no issue if they mentioned it, but it’s weird they’ve made it this secret thing.

I'd say to SIL, if you want to come & see baby, no need for the skullduggery, you are more than welcome to come when I am at work.
It's just the deliberately trying to do hide it, confuses me. could you explain?

I am 50/50 on this one.

I do think the secretive nature of it is strange, and I can understand why that doesn't sit right.

Equally I think that if you trust the grandparents to look after your child/children, then you can't micromanage every person they will meet when they are looking after your child.
I am sure there would be some exceptions but overall they are helping out and grandparents, not paid professionals etc.

Still the secret side is odd!

Based on this update I would be thinking that maybe she wanted to get more baby experience/confidence in advance of asking to take the baby out for the day or babysit on her own. Or if a birthday or anniversary is coming up she might’ve been making a present. The first time I babysat my niece on my own it was to secretly make a gift using her hand for her parent’s Christmas present. I thought your situation was really weird and inexcusable at first but now I can see some legitimate possibilities. But without knowing if they’re true, it does come across as an odd situation for her to make the journey and no one to mention it

Exactly there’s absolutely no explanation for this. It’s unacceptable.

There are a couple of things going on here that are a bit concerning.

Your SIL having such a fear of doing something “wrong” in front of you that she wants to arrange to see your DC without you even knowing about it. - Why is this? Is she generally anxious? Was your DH a bit of a bully as a brother? Are you, perhaps, a little outspoken about what you consider to be the “right” way to parent/interact with kids? You say you get on well but this revelation is out of step with that, so I think you need a chat with her to find out what’s going on and straighten things out.

But my biggest concern would be that you are leaving your DC one day a week with people who would agree to this. Your PiL should never have agreed to or gone along with this sort of secrecy when your DC are involved. It’s not about them not using their judgement over who can visit, or about them not mentioning every detail of the day to you. They deliberately kept something about your DC from you for someone else’s benefit. That’s pretty appalling. The thing they did was fine, the intentional secrecy, though, is a pretty big breach of trust.

Depends how much you trust the whole lot. You seem bothered, so I encourage you not to downplay it, but actually form an opinion and act on it. It's your home and noone should have secret access to your home, child or belongings...if they do this, they might think it's OK nosing in your home also because op doesn't allows us otherwise poking our noses in her stuff

Except they admitted it was a deliberate secret by giving a reason for not having mentioned it when OP pressed.

I expect there will be a nanny cam installed by the weekend!

Do you mean my reaction or the OPs? The second half of my post was mainly sarcasm.

Is it possible MIL invited SIL over for some reason but didn’t realise you would get notifications or that you and SIL were seeing each other on Monday?

Our Ring doorbell notifies us every time someone comes to the door and we can see the video. A lot of parcels get stolen in our area so that’s why people have them, there’s nothing odd about getting a notification and checking who’s there.

I agree that their secretive behavior is odd. Unlike others, I think that they’re slightly controlling tbh, acting as if your SIL somehow has a right to spend time with your DS without his parents knowing!

I think the issue is the breach of trust here. It's not an issue that SIL came round, it's an issue that MIL is keeping secrets and apparently prepared to lie about what they've been doing with your baby. I don't think I'd be OK with that - I would not quite be able to trust the MIL/FIL. To be honest, I'd also be uncomfortable with the lack of judgment - if they're not telling you this, what else are they not telling you? And if they thought it was OK to be secretive about this, what else do they think is OK that they might be doing that you're not aware of? I'm sure lots will disagree but that's how I'd feel tbh!

The secretiveness is weird. Why sneak about?

No sorry was addressed to the OP