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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

H told me “why don’t you go k!ll yourself” in an argument

114 replies

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 15:06

Trigger warning. I’m now separated from exh (very recently) and we’ve been “dissecting” our marriage. One thing crops up (among many many others) is a couple of times in arguments he would storm off and tell me “Why don’t you just k&ll yourself?!” or “Just go play in traffic” or “Go jump off a roof” I left him and he’s very angry and bitter. He doesn’t see the seriousness of the kind of things he used to say to me.

So last night we talked again on the phone and he brought up how I couldn’t be trusted (as I left him) and how he can barely look at me or forgive me. I brought up what he used to say to me and he said “Well obviously you would never have actually done it”

I don’t think he realises how serious it was what he was saying. Or is it the sign of an emotionally immature, childish man? He also said how I never showed him any affection and how attention starved he was, it’s obvious I never loved him he says.

But now my family has been torn apart and I’m the bad guy 😢

Just seeking advice on this - on what he used to say to me?

He wasn’t all terrible and worked hard, loved our children, could also shower me with affection and praise.

OP posts:
Hardgum81 · 29/08/2025 15:07

Why the hell are you dissecting an abusive marriage with the other person

it literally makes fuck all sense

Hardgum81 · 29/08/2025 15:08

I don’t think he realises how serious it was what he was saying

Who cares?!! You surely as hell shouldn’t

Hardgum81 · 29/08/2025 15:09

But now my family has been torn apart and I’m the bad guy 😢

according to who? Your twatty ex? In which, again, why do you care what he thinks??

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 15:11

Hardgum81 · 29/08/2025 15:07

Why the hell are you dissecting an abusive marriage with the other person

it literally makes fuck all sense

We were discussing a trial separation as the loss of the family unit is hard to get over. But he doesn’t seem to comprehend quite how vile some of the things he used to say.

OP posts:
ZippyPeer · 29/08/2025 15:11

The marriage is over. You've broken up. Stop talking to this guy, it won't help anything.

Academicallyminded · 29/08/2025 15:12

Dissect your marriage with a therapist - especially, why you stayed in an abusive marriage as that might help you be less vulnerable to abusive men in future. But not with ex - he might have an axe or two to grind, and is hardly likely to be a neutral observer!

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/08/2025 15:12

You know that had you said it to him - or even responded with 'You first', he'd have been wailing and moaning that you WANTED HIM DEAD.

Roll your eyes and only engage for practical things, preferably by text or email, not this complete waste of time and energy.

SloppyThePoodle · 29/08/2025 15:13

He's an idiot. Move on and don't waste time thinking about him.

PrivateMusic · 29/08/2025 15:13

He sounds horrible.

Jitterbuggs · 29/08/2025 15:13

Stop talking to him already! He's not going to give you the closure you want.

Dancingsquirrels · 29/08/2025 15:14

Don't engage

RogerR4bbit · 29/08/2025 15:15

Both of you are just prolonging the inevitable with these discussions.

Neither of you see the other persons point of view, you’re unsuited to be married and make each other unhappy.

End the relationship asap and stop dragging it out, no one wins from these debates.

Vaxtable · 29/08/2025 15:15

Why are you even discussing this with him. You must know you won’t get anywhere

Hes obviously never going to take responsibility for what he said so just seperate, forget the trial seperation

PinkyFlamingo · 29/08/2025 15:16

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 15:11

We were discussing a trial separation as the loss of the family unit is hard to get over. But he doesn’t seem to comprehend quite how vile some of the things he used to say.

Even more reason to stay away and stop these conversations!

AgentJohnson · 29/08/2025 15:17

He’s never going to change, he’s never going to take responsibility for his behaviour and he will always paint you as the bad guy. No one is saying walking away is easy but you can’t fix what you didn’t break.

Millytante · 29/08/2025 15:18

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 15:11

We were discussing a trial separation as the loss of the family unit is hard to get over. But he doesn’t seem to comprehend quite how vile some of the things he used to say.

What constitutes this family unit? Have you children? (Apart from him, that is; he being clearly a superannuated teenager)

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 15:19

Millytante · 29/08/2025 15:18

What constitutes this family unit? Have you children? (Apart from him, that is; he being clearly a superannuated teenager)

Yes, two DC.

OP posts:
Wildfairy · 29/08/2025 15:20

Goodness are you trying to get back with this loser. What’s making you want that then?

DaisyChain505 · 29/08/2025 15:20

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 15:11

We were discussing a trial separation as the loss of the family unit is hard to get over. But he doesn’t seem to comprehend quite how vile some of the things he used to say.

You’re beating a dead horse here. Separate and move on.

Hardgum81 · 29/08/2025 15:21

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 15:11

We were discussing a trial separation as the loss of the family unit is hard to get over. But he doesn’t seem to comprehend quite how vile some of the things he used to say.

The family unit sounds a horrible environment for everyone, especially children.

Have you split or not? It’s not clear if you’re now saying discussing a trial separation

Are you living together?

5128gap · 29/08/2025 15:21

Yes, those are terrible things to say. When you get out of an abusive relationship these things have a habit of popping up in your mind and you reflect on them with distance in a way you may not have done in the immediacy of the situation. Personally I wouldn't discuss them with him though. Everytime you engage at a deeper level with him you're giving him the opportunity to fire more shots and create more wounds. You need the ones you have to heal.

Calamitousness · 29/08/2025 15:21

You are not going to get a changed man by talking about this with him. He will
downplay his abuse. What do you expect from it? Just walk away. You’ve made the first step. Keep going.

Hardgum81 · 29/08/2025 15:22

Rather than channelling your time and energy in to dissecting something that is rotten to the core…. Focus on progressing the logistics pf the split

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 15:25

Hardgum81 · 29/08/2025 15:22

Rather than channelling your time and energy in to dissecting something that is rotten to the core…. Focus on progressing the logistics pf the split

That’s what I felt our marriage was, from the outside it looked healthy and loving but on the inside it was rotten unfortunately.

OP posts:
Hardgum81 · 29/08/2025 15:26

BloodyHellKenn · 29/08/2025 15:25

That’s what I felt our marriage was, from the outside it looked healthy and loving but on the inside it was rotten unfortunately.

Ok

so, enough with the dissecting and on to the practicalities

this would have been ghastly for the children so please don’t concern yourself with breaking up the family unit