H told me “why don’t you go k!ll yourself” in an argument

[BloodyHellKenn]

Trigger warning. I’m now separated from exh (very recently) and we’ve been “dissecting” our marriage. One thing crops up (among many many others) is a couple of times in arguments he would storm off and tell me “Why don’t you just k&ll yourself?!” or “Just go play in traffic” or “Go jump off a roof” I left him and he’s very angry and bitter. He doesn’t see the seriousness of the kind of things he used to say to me.

So last night we talked again on the phone and he brought up how I couldn’t be trusted (as I left him) and how he can barely look at me or forgive me. I brought up what he used to say to me and he said “Well obviously you would never have actually done it”

I don’t think he realises how serious it was what he was saying. Or is it the sign of an emotionally immature, childish man? He also said how I never showed him any affection and how attention starved he was, it’s obvious I never loved him he says.

But now my family has been torn apart and I’m the bad guy 😢

Just seeking advice on this - on what he used to say to me?

He wasn’t all terrible and worked hard, loved our children, could also shower me with affection and praise.

But I wish I didn’t doubt myself so much. There’s still a sense that I overreacted or was too sensitive etc.

But he doesn’t seem to comprehend quite how vile some of the things he used to say.

And?
So?

Why do you need him to comprehend it?

You are never, ever, going to get him to agree that he was wrong.

What is more, you have to get to a place where you don't need him to admit he was wrong, because he is irrelevant.

Just get on with the divorce, and restrict all communication with him to absolute essentials only.

Let us tell you quite clearly that what you describe is truly…. Vile.

He knows how vile he was. You're the one who seems to have forgotten if you are thinking of this as a trial separation.

He is just trying to minimize his behaviour - he'll know deep down this was one the effed up things that compelled you into action to leave him.

He just wants to gaslight you into believing it wasn't really that bad/heat of the moment comment etc. So you can be the bad guy and he can keep deluding himself that he isn't the problem.

Unless he is completely mad - he knows how terrible it is to say that to someone. It's totally f**ed.

My suggestion is to very calmly suggest, would he be comfortably justifying telling you to kill yourself - to his mum, friends, sister, colleague - anyone in his life really. Can he explain how it is actually totally fine to tell your wife to go kill themselves in an argument?

Ask if he can honestly think he would be able to stand there and repeat his justification.

I'm guessing he won't be able to do it.

Errr why are you still speaking to him???

you need to discuss practical stuff like divorce and stuff about kids. That’s it.

Why are you torturing yourself with this crap?

You weren't too sensitive.

Back yourself!!!!

Also you can leave a relationship for literally no reason at all (or no reason). Nothing compelling you to stay with anyone.

You need to stop dissecting this with your arsehole ex. He is never going to accept that he was in the wrong. He is a nasty person. He's more likely to turn it back on you and deflect. There will be no sudden epiphany from him if that's what you are hoping for.

You've split. Now stay strong and make it permanent. He will never change. It will be better for you and the children (did you give their ages?) if you don't remain in this dreadful relationship.

My suggestion is to very calmly suggest, would he be comfortably justifying telling you to kill yourself - to his mum, friends, sister, colleague - anyone in his life really. Can he explain how it is actually totally fine to tell your wife to go kill themselves in an argument?

don’t bother OP
seriously don’t bother

And this is why you’re advised not to have therapy with an abusive partner. Don’t all oh I’m to drag you into similar discussions, you owe him nothing, just hang up.

He sounds horrible and abusive. “Go kill yourself!” or “go play in traffic!” is a thing immature teenagers say to each other when arguing in real life or on social media and it’s really unpleasant and as well as being moronic.

You are trying to justify your decision you split up with your ex, as though you are guilty of something. Everything you say to him will be dismissed and disregarded as he has no intention of acknowledging any problems. He wants to make you feel in the wrong to force you go back to him with your tail between your legs begging him to forgive you.

Abusive people will never accept their responsibility and wrongdoing. When I left my ex told me it was all my fault, how was he supposed to know his behaviour was wrong etc etc. He would call and tell me all this regularly, after a few calls I stopped answering. It wasn't doing me any good and honestly I couldn't care less if it helped him or not.
Ignore and hang up if he starts having a go at you

You don't need to discuss with him ever .
Move on
Try different narrative that you will roll out to anyone else who needs to know
"Marriage was not working for me /for either of us. So we split. We better apart"
In 5 or 10 years no one will care who said what to who .

My suggestion is to very calmly suggest, would he be comfortably justifying telling you to kill yourself - to his mum, friends, sister, colleague - anyone in his life really. Can he explain how it is actually totally fine to tell your wife to go kill themselves in an argument?

Why bother? It won't work and there will be no miraculous epiphany. The man is an arsewipe. Save your energy and your breath.

May I suggest that you label this awful man’s phone number “Abusive Manbaby”, block him, and progress your divorce.

He is emotionally incontinent and you should not speak to him. He will never apologize. He would rather make you apologize for leaving him.

This is what you do with a therapist, not an abusive ex. You're keeping yourself stuck. He won't get it. There are no magic words that will make him understand how awful that was.

Concentrate on your kids and your future. Your ex needs to be just background noise. Communicate only through a family app and only about the children.

what makes you think he will change?

For me, 'Why don't you go kill yourself' is about the worst thing someone could say to their partner. It's not about thinking you'd actually do it - it's just about the most hurtful and awful thing you could say to someone you're meant to love. It's basically saying 'I want you to die'. I'm very thick-skinned about things like swearing and insults and so on - if a partner said 'Don't be such a fucking arsehole' or something I would barely register that, so I'm not especially sensitive. But if they said 'Why don't you kill yourself' I'd be appalled.

Really, you are best off out of this marriage and I don't think there's anything to be gained from you having conversations with your ex about who was right and who was wrong. He isn't going to accept that he treated you badly - he's just going to keep telling you everything was your fault. It wasn't. Get rid of him.

Like most victims of emotional abuse you are feeling massively guilty for being the one to end the relationship and are being made to feel insane by your ex for doing so. He is, as an abuser, making you doubt your choice to leave. He is making you feel bad and saying “you never loved me” because he wants to make you question if you are the reason for the relationship downfall.

None of us know you in real life so cannot comment if you are completely innocent, but it sounds like you are in a vulnerable situation and you need to be strong for you and the kids and stop contacting your ex unless it’s regarding the children.

Speak to a counsellor to go through what’s just happened to process, do not try to process anything with your ex as you will always be the bad guy

I hope you have the strength to pull yourself out of this for you and the kids

Your children heard this 'man' say these things to you

Thats teaching your children lessons that they will carry with them forever:
You can treat women like that & Women are expected to be treated like that and stay in a relationship....

Or

You can leave and STAY APART and teach them completely different lessons

I guess its up to you

For the love of Mike, stop it! You describe the marriage as rotten to the core. Assuming you base this on more serious goings on than your exH lashing out with nasty, puerile retorts like a schoolkid (though that’s lousy of course, and he sounds pathetic), things can only get better now that you are separated from him.

I wonder sometimes how a lot of men ever get the ride. What is the irresistible allure?

The only thing that's unreasonable is that you would give him one millimetre of headspace. He's a vile man who throws spiteful words around like so many hand grenades. An emotional terrorist.

For me the word that stands out is "EX" - as in 'out the picture'. I would leave him be and forget about dissecting your marriage. I can see you might want to avoid the same thing happening in future and think it's a good idea to thrash it out with him. But he sounds very needy and determined to make this your fault. Just say "EX" a thousand times a day and move on.

Talking to him about your relationship is not healthy.