H told me “why don’t you go k!ll yourself” in an argument

[BloodyHellKenn]

Trigger warning. I’m now separated from exh (very recently) and we’ve been “dissecting” our marriage. One thing crops up (among many many others) is a couple of times in arguments he would storm off and tell me “Why don’t you just k&ll yourself?!” or “Just go play in traffic” or “Go jump off a roof” I left him and he’s very angry and bitter. He doesn’t see the seriousness of the kind of things he used to say to me.

So last night we talked again on the phone and he brought up how I couldn’t be trusted (as I left him) and how he can barely look at me or forgive me. I brought up what he used to say to me and he said “Well obviously you would never have actually done it”

I don’t think he realises how serious it was what he was saying. Or is it the sign of an emotionally immature, childish man? He also said how I never showed him any affection and how attention starved he was, it’s obvious I never loved him he says.

But now my family has been torn apart and I’m the bad guy 😢

Just seeking advice on this - on what he used to say to me?

He wasn’t all terrible and worked hard, loved our children, could also shower me with affection and praise.

That’s the thing about abusers, they’re not always abusive. Sometimes they’re wonderful - perfect even. But they’re not, it’s an act that they put on to keep you trapped. You’re always hoping that if you <insert impossible hoop-jumping task here> that you’ll get the good version of him and if you don’t, then you must have done something wrong.

You spend every waking minute walking on eggshells and pandering to them so they don’t blow up. It’s no life. You’re so busy trying to make them happy that you completely lose sight of whether you’re happy yourself. Because when they are happy, my god doesn’t it feel amazing? That’s all you want is for them to be happy.

It’s not real. You don’t need him to validate your feelings by acknowledging his wrongdoings. They are NEVER wrong. You’ll be waiting forever.

You’ve made the biggest step forward - congratulations to you! Go and live your life out of his shadow. It will be so much better.

It makes you wonder if those were the type of things his parents said to him when he was a kid.

My advice echoes all of the above; stop talking to him unless it involves logistics.

He’s clearly not a nice man. I mean this kindly, but in what universe do you ever envision a time where he says ‘Actually, you’re quite right. I was a thoroughly nasty piece of work and I gaslit you into thinking it was your fault. Sorry about that’. It’s never going to happen so why are you still chasing it? You’re just giving him more chances to make you feel crap. And it’s working. You’re doubting yourself again.

…the loss of the family unit is hard to get over I’d think the loss of your family unit would be a bloody Godsend. Do you really miss being spoken to like that? Or are you grieving the family unit that you would have liked to have had?

I’m grieving us all being together and the loss of the family home (ex has stayed) I’m the poster who’s teenager hasn’t stayed overnight with me yet so it’s a messy situation and one that’s hard to accept.

You are grieving what you hoped the family unit would be
but that never came to fruition
why? Because you married a nasty arsehole

He stayed. You moved out with the teens or teens stayed?

Of course your teens are aware of the shit that has been thrown at their mother over the years and their father’s temper

He can't see where he is wrong. That means it's over as the only change that can happen is him being "better" at the abuse. Walk away

The agreement was shared custody of our teen but he won’t stay over at mine at all unfortunately. I’m trying to give him lots of time to adjust and not pressure him, I did offer for him to try one night next week as ex is working nights but he won’t unfortunately and then told his Dad that I was putting pressure on him again. I just told him the option was there, to have a think etc. I do worry that he will never stay with me. I just see him in the day time and for tea at mine or days out. He is very attached to the family home and his Dad.

I like it when the first post just says everything.

If that’s as vile as it gets then I don’t think it’s that bad…. I’d class it as childish rather than anything else. (But this is obviously only the case if there’s no history of suicide in your family which I is a massive drip feed if so)

The only defence I can imagine for saying go kill yourself is that he was in a circle of people at school who regularly spoke like that. My ds who is now adult had stuff like this said to him at school.

also if your teen has heard that kind of thing habitually, s/he may think it’s not too big a deal.

I think the bigger issue is why your teen won’t stay with you.

I’ve read your other thread. You’re not making a hard situation any easier for doing what you’re doing.

Split, get financials, houses whatever in order and start your new life.

No wonder your kids are upset and angry they’re probably confused as hell.

exactly

no good can come out of that, especially if it's that recent!
Stop with the toxic behaviour and have a clean break, as hard as that is already to organise a break and the kids.

Don’t dissect, don’t talk, and just sort anything that’s necessary. 🤷‍♀️

You need to get the divorce and financial agreement done ASAP.

Either the house will have to be sold to pay you your settlement, or if ex has a good income he may be able to buy you out and stay there.

Either way, once you get the money you can sort out a permanent place for you to live.
Hopefully, your DS will come and stay with you sometimes, especially if the family home has to be sold, so he may decide that staying with Dad in Dad's new place is no better than staying with Mum in Mum's new place.

Yes, that is the biggest issue right now as even if ex is working nights he stays with ex’s parents and not with me. It’s been 6 weeks so it’s still new for him and he’s on the spectrum, dislikes change but I find it deeply upsetting, ex keeps sending photos of teen in pajamas before bed which is upsetting. Also there’s a concern about what’s been said to him by ex or ex’s family about me etc. There’s a real fear of losing custody but I’ll just have to accept just seeing him in the day for now.

My wife (now ex-wife - through her choice rather than mine) would similarly tell me in arguments “I wish you were dead” or similar. It has a corrosive effect. You can’t forget that, even after the argument is resolved or forgotten. She cheated on me and left for OW. With some hindsight, I suppose she was unhappy in the marriage and those comments were the manifestation of that. I loved her.

I think if someone feels like this about you, it’s over really. One way or another it will end. I would have done anything to save my marriage but 2.5 years after it ended, although I’m sad it did, I can see how dysfunctional it was. Not that that couldn’t have been corrected, but that would have needed both of us to want to work on it, and one of us decided to find someone else instead.

dissecting It WITH him is just still plugging into it… it’s still feeding off of it and this is just maybe getting ammunition to back up the fact you’re right… which I’m ok no way saying you’re not . It sounds awful. But… You’re still in the marriage right now… this isn’t what ending it is …. This is an argument in separate houses. And I’m not judging because I get it … but you’re still plugged into it all so right now unless you want to get back with him … this isn’t helping.

My real regret now is leaving the marriage at all if I had known how it would play out with my son (13) It’s depressing to think he doesn’t live with me anymore. I would never have left if I had known.

If he won't accept that saying those things is abusive, there is no point in talking to him. I would just make the split permanent. Awful for the kids to live in that kind of atmosphere and he's not going to change.

I think the number of people confronted by their XP with how they behaved after the breakup of the relationship saying 'yes, you are completely right, I behaved very badly and I am sorry,' must be in single digits. Dissecting your relationship is utterly pointless, OP. He will never see your perspective, just as you won't see his.

You can’t reason with unreasonable. Just don’t discuss it with him any further. You know it was unreasonable but he will never agree that anything he did was unreasonable.

Why did you move out? Did he ever say things like that in front of the DC?

It’s a terrible thing to say, you sound really worn down. Please consider getting some therapy to help with your boundaries and self esteem.

He will never validate you, and you need to be able to move on without this. You and your children deserve better.