H told me “why don’t you go k!ll yourself” in an argument

[BloodyHellKenn]

Trigger warning. I’m now separated from exh (very recently) and we’ve been “dissecting” our marriage. One thing crops up (among many many others) is a couple of times in arguments he would storm off and tell me “Why don’t you just k&ll yourself?!” or “Just go play in traffic” or “Go jump off a roof” I left him and he’s very angry and bitter. He doesn’t see the seriousness of the kind of things he used to say to me.

So last night we talked again on the phone and he brought up how I couldn’t be trusted (as I left him) and how he can barely look at me or forgive me. I brought up what he used to say to me and he said “Well obviously you would never have actually done it”

I don’t think he realises how serious it was what he was saying. Or is it the sign of an emotionally immature, childish man? He also said how I never showed him any affection and how attention starved he was, it’s obvious I never loved him he says.

But now my family has been torn apart and I’m the bad guy 😢

Just seeking advice on this - on what he used to say to me?

He wasn’t all terrible and worked hard, loved our children, could also shower me with affection and praise.

Don’t Channel your energy in to your nasty ex fgs

focus everything and anything on addressing your son keeping you at arms length. Is this just because he sees you as being the one that ended the marriage? How did the pair of you tell him the news? Are you living alone?

Why are you talking to him? So he can abuse you more? Just don’t

He’s never going to change and he’s never going to recognise or admit his faults, clearly. Don’t waste your time and energy having these discussions with him.

Oh pet. I remember your previous post. You’re so heartbroken about your DS that you’re willing to put yourself back in an abusive marriage. IIRC, you’ve suggested reconciliation but your ex says he doesn’t trust your reasons?

I understand your pain, but I’m not sure trying to force yourself to ignore awful treatment is the answer.

Why don’t you just move back into the family home - it’s your right to live there too. Just say living elsewhere isn’t working for you. Again IIRC, your ex sleeps with your son? So presumably you could sleep separately?

Obviously I wouldn’t usually suggest this but if you can’t accept being away from your DS then maybe this is a possibility. Can’t you just co-exist in the same house for a while even if you haven’t actually got back together?

Hun he's an abusive bastard which is while you left.

I don't get the 'trial separation' thing. He's abusive - end of. Book yourself in for counselling & move on. No trial it's the end - he ended it when he started to abuse you. No going back.

Hi. Sorry for what you’ve been through. These things are hard to be clear about when you’re on the inside.

My take is that either:

1. He has significant issues and genuinely does not comprehend how vile the things he used to say are and that’s why he thought he could say them (perhaps he had a terrible upbringing himself where these sorts of things were said and normalised).
2. He fully comprehends how vile the things he used to say are but because of his significant issues (feelings of inadequacy, abusive traits etc), he said them anyway.

I would bet it’s #2 (just trying to give the benefit of the doubt).

Either way, I’m 99% sure he will never admit that he was wrong to say them because that would mean (for #1) a fundamental personality shift where he either suddenly realises how awful he was or (#2) suddenly accepts that he was deliberately awful (abusive) and is willing to admit this to you (which goes against the traits of an abusive person).

I think it’s natural, when you’ve invested a lot in a relationship, to want a ‘reason’ that is more complex or less bleak than that the other person was just really inadequate in some way and probably always was (sunk cost fallacy - if we accept this then our brains have to adjust to the idea that we ‘wasted’ time). I think the brain then seeks recompense for that perceived ‘waste’ or ‘wrong’ - we want an explanation that is better, or at least an acknowledgment or apology.

But - these inadequacies are the reason you left him, so it’s vanishingly unlikely that he will now have a moment of clarity about his behaviour, given that the threat of his relationship ending wasn’t enough to bring this about. Instead, he’s looking outwards to blame you for being unreasonable - in doing so, he buries the consequences of his own actions and can proceed with very little self-reflection or guilt.

Well done for leaving an abusive relationship. You showed real strength in doing that. All your abusive ex is trying to do is to weaken you again because he is angry you left him.

Don't give in to it. The best thing I did was write down the abusive things my ex said and then told everybody! My family, friends, my GP etc. It not only validated my view that he was a horrible person but he lost any power over me too because he couldn't say it was just me being unreasonable. He hated that he couldn't keep up the pretence to the world that he was a decent person.

Of course you need to tread carefully as your kids are older but it really helps talking to a close family member or friend you trust who can say 'hey, no, that's crazy', rather than listen to the person who is trying to manipulate you.

As for the secure family unit, it never really existed. Happy families don't threaten to kill each other.

Thank you for your kind words. I’m still heartbroken about how things have played out when it comes to my DS. It’s very painful to not see him past 6pm and now that he’s going back to school to not see him in the mornings or some days not at all. The marital home is rented and my name is now off the tenancy so I wouldn’t be able to just move back. DS won’t have me there when ex is working either as he says “it’s not your house!” It’s very hard to accept the way things have turned out. The unknown is worse as I’m not sure if he will ever stay with me. I would never have left if I had known.

I think it could be because he knows I was the one who ended it and moved out. I also don’t know what’s been said to him by ex or ex’s family . I am hated!

We have another child who is disabled who I care for in my house most of the time.

He's claiming that he doesn't know that 'kill yourself' is a disgusting thing to say?

Is he special educational needs or just a liar?

Take a big deep breath and then tell yourself that you did not overreact.

If my DH said those things our 30 year marriage would be over.

OP I totally understand how upset you feel about your son not staying at your house, but it's only been 6 weeks so don't despair. I see no value in continuing having conversations with your ex about who was the most in the wrong - you're never going to agree on this. You said before your exh was abusive, telling you to kill yourself is extremely abusive. I've had many rows with my DH and neither of us would say anything like this. It's not normal and you left for a reason. Stop with the disection of the marriage problems and move forward with your life. It will be better for your children in the long run as continued uncertainty is damaging.

But what have you said to him?

You do get time with him, so use that opportunity to talk to him

and so you moved out with your disabled child who is also ex’s child?

Why are you doing this at all? Do you stir up your cold vomit with a stick? Do you inspect your poo? Just cut contact and move on.

It is actually wise to check your poo

We share custody of our other child, but they are mostly with me.

You don't need to get him to understand how he hurt you or cause you pain. You aren't going to get the validation or understanding you want from him. Hes not going to admit being abusive to you. That would require him take some responsibility. He won't.

You need to stop rehashing this relationship with him. You need to stop talking to him all together. You are not in a relationship. He is not your friend. If you need to talk go to therapy.

Your child is old enough to talk to you directly. I know he doesnt want to stay over, you pushed and that was a shit show. You can't forcevhim to stay. You can't force his to have a relationship with you. Just keep leaving the door open for him.

You deserve to be happy, you deserve peace, you deserve to be loved.

How are you and be affording yourself o rin two homes?

Ex and I separately rent a house each.

Yes but I’m just wondering how the pair of you are suddenly affording two properties

presumably you dont work? Does he?

The property that ex rents is the marital home that we all lived in for many years. I now separately rent a property. We both work.

Must be tricky balancing with a disabled child
OP ex is ghastly
DS will come around. You do have time with him so use it to gently address his misunderstandings around the situation

He’s a joy to spend time with and we’ve had lots of quality time together this summer. I apologised as in my previous post I changed the goal posts with him staying over and handled it badly/losing his trust. He’s been more relaxed at my house but the overnights is still a sore point!

* I changed the goal posts with him staying over and handled it badly/losing his trust*

how so?

DS won’t have me there when ex is working either as he says “it’s not your house!”

Would your ex be ok with you in the house whilst he’s at work?