To not want to have Christmas with ex?

[alby88]

My ex and I are separated. We have been on the rocks for many years and i have recently left (5 months ago). The discussion of Christmas day has come up and i am happy to split the day. Either the children wake at his and i collect mid afternoon or vice versa. Ex is saying no, he wants them the whole day. I just don’t want an argument so said fine, but don’t think he’s thinking of the children. Just himself. They are with me 90% of the week, if not more. And suddenly Christmas day he wants them all day. But not just them, me! I don’t want Christmas with him, i don’t like him one bit and our Middle child doesn’t want to spend it there either. So he’s come up with another ‘solution’. He spends it at mine and i don’t want that either! I am happy to split the day. I just can’t think of a way to resolve this. He’s also saying I’m ruining Christmas. But we are not together, surely he can’t expect us to spend every Christmas together like we are still a couple until the children grow up?! Any help, advice, suggestions with be greatly appreciated.

Do your own Christmas with the children on Christmas Eve.

Tell him to go fuck himself. I would do Xmas Eve and morning at yours and he has them from 1pm and Boxing Day. Or tell him if he does Xmas Day this year it’s going to alternate each year. Sounds like he’s being a prat but what can you do?
I would go Scandi style where you open pressies at yours Xmas Eve if he won’t agree to be flex

The children are what matters.

Is it fair to make them split their Christmas Day between you? Probably not.

If he has them all day, do your own Christmas Day on a day you have them. Then next year, swap.

No court ordered contact as yet? Depending on the age of the dc, they should decide. Surely they’re going to want to wake up/spend most of the day at their primary residence ie your house? No way should you have to spend it with him anywhere!

I expect you've done most of the work at Christmas Op so he wants you to be there to cook and help look after the DC, well now you're seperated so that's your job at home, he has to take care of himself. Be upfront and tell him whatever agreement you come to over the DC at Christmas won't include you and him celebrating together. He says you're ruining Christmas but that's about him, not the DC

As above OP does he want to “do Christmas” together translating as you do all the work and prep, and he happens to be there to benefit from it? Sorry if I’m projecting!

Christmas Eve and morning for one parent, Lunch to boxing day for the other parent, swaps each year. Totally fair.

If you say no to this Christmas together idea (which you absolutely should) what are the chances realistically of him actually wanting them the whole day anyway? Mine hasn't asked for them at Christmas in 4 years - he just sees them sometime the week before/after. There's no way he'll be putting in the effort to 'do' Christmas for them.

@Daleksatemyshedthis is exactly it. I’m ruining it for him. He doesn’t even play with the children and their new gifts on Christmas day. It’s because he doesn’t want to be alone. And he doesn’t have to be. I told him i’m happy for him to have them the whole day but he’s not having any of it. He wants us all to play happy families. And i think his parents do to so they have a place to go on the day. Again though, his parents come and sit down and barely interact the children. I am so busy making it special for everyone else that I don’t get to just enjoy the day with our children.

I actually feel relieved others can see he just wants me to put the effort in. He is the biggest gaslighter and makes for feel so guilty. Not once has he wrapped a present, initiated putting the tree up or arranged any Christmas activities/days out. He’s so used to me doing it all that he’s worried he’ll actually have to put some effort in to making it special for the children

Let him have them Christmas day, and his parents. And then you have the children Boxing day. Splitting the kids Christmas day or you having to do the whole day with him is not reasonable. He has to adjust, keep your boundaries. Does he want you to cook and wait on his parents and him still? Sod that.

Stay strong on this one OP. He has no right to your labor, time and emotional energy in order to make his day better. You know he’ll want you to do all of the present buying, food, decorating ect for him to enjoy as well. While it is good for the children for the parents to be able to be polite together for special occasions, that does not mean playing happy families for holidays.

You have offered several solutions, either to split the day or he has them this year and you have next. So either he chooses one or you do.

@Cherrysoup, no, no court order. My eldest is 16 and is so easy going so doesn’t mind where he spends it, youngest is 3 so not really old enough to make decision and my middle is 9 and doesn’t want to see his Dad at all on Christmas day. And I’ve expressed this is ex dp and now he’s also putting the blame on dc for also ‘ruining’ the day.

Either you split the day or the kids have two christmas days. If you liked him and were still good friends then you could spend it together but as you don't then I don't see how spending the day together is in anyones best interests.

Why does the 9 year old not want to see his dad? However crap a husband he is, unless he’s abusive it’s almost always better for children to keep a relationship with both parents.

But that aside Christmas Day is not the time to force it, so without a court order I’d simply say they are staying with you for Christmas, he and his parents are not invited, and you’ll drop the children off on Boxing Day.

I would suggest the very first thing you do is to say whatever happens this year does not set a precedent for future years. This is the first Christmas since the separation so there may have to be some give and take.

Why doesn't middle child want to see him?

“I just don’t want an argument so said fine [to him having them the whole of Christmas day].

Well, that was your first mistake - no way would I have agreed that, especially if the DC aren’t keen. But his idea that he spends Christmas day with you, or you spend it with him, is just loony tunes - tell him in words of one syllable that you don’t want to spend time with him and you are separated. Tell him when he has the DC, he is responsible for them and he looks after them - surely his DPs could sort out Christmas dinner? If you let the DC go to his after breakfast, you could do stockings and presents before they go. But I would make it very very clear to him that it’s the DC’s choice, and if they would prefer not to go to his or to their DGPs, you won’t be making them.

I'd definitely not host him or go to his for Xmas. You need a clean break. He just wants you to do the Xmas wife-work. He can have the kids or split the day but make him choose in plenty of time. If he won't choose then you tell him what is happening. It's fine that you do Xmas on the actual day or on Xmas Eve or Boxing Day... We often move Xmas around due to family work commitments and it works ok for us.

It took my youngest over a year to agree to talk to his dad, let alone see him after the split. Didn't help that ex didn't even try to see him for over 6 months.

Sometimes kids need time to process, especially at an emotionally charged time like Christmas, and especially with a man that's accusing a 9 year old who's just been through all this of trying to ruin Christmas. That's not how you foster a good relationship with your kids!

My 9 year old has diagnosed ADHD and my ex really struggles to understand him and he has unrealistic expectations of our son (ex thinks ds can control his ADHD and thinks ds puts it on for ‘my benefit’) and this causes major distress for my 9 year old. My son does a lot of noise making (stimming) and my ex is convinced ds does this on purpose to annoy him and when i defend ds it just becomes an argument for me and ex dp.

And yes, like others above - I'd happily move celebrations around - my family's always done that due to who can make it when - there were years when I must have had 3 or 4 Christmas dinners and present givings with various branches over the course of 2 or 3 weeks!

Are you really thinking of the children? You are only talking about what you want too. Sit the kids down, tell them you just want to hear what they want and do what they want. So tough to the ex if it isn’t what he wants. Tell him this is what’s happening take it or leave it

You do NOT spend any time with ex
The 9 year old gets to choose, as does the 16 year old
The 3 year old should be with you this year imo

Splitting Christmas day is NOT in the best interest if kids in most places.

One have Christmas day and the other boxing day then alternate

I remember a girl at school dreading Christmas due to parents insisting on them BOTH getting to see the kids. They had to have Christmas lunch with one parent, then a 1.5 hour car journey, then ANOTHER Christmas dinner in the evening.

Your ex sounds horrendous, I would do no such thing for him as host him. Stand your ground. You’re separated now - no Christmas together

what a flipping cheek expecting to come to you and enjoy his Xmas day when you’re not together anymore. Has he forgotten? And expecting you to host his parents too??
Let him have Xmas day. See how he gets on.
You’ll have dc Xmas eve and Boxing Day.