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Original poster

To not want to have Christmas with ex?

124 replies

alby88 · 28/08/2025 10:52

My ex and I are separated. We have been on the rocks for many years and i have recently left (5 months ago). The discussion of Christmas day has come up and i am happy to split the day. Either the children wake at his and i collect mid afternoon or vice versa. Ex is saying no, he wants them the whole day. I just don’t want an argument so said fine, but don’t think he’s thinking of the children. Just himself. They are with me 90% of the week, if not more. And suddenly Christmas day he wants them all day. But not just them, me! I don’t want Christmas with him, i don’t like him one bit and our Middle child doesn’t want to spend it there either. So he’s come up with another ‘solution’. He spends it at mine and i don’t want that either! I am happy to split the day. I just can’t think of a way to resolve this. He’s also saying I’m ruining Christmas. But we are not together, surely he can’t expect us to spend every Christmas together like we are still a couple until the children grow up?! Any help, advice, suggestions with be greatly appreciated.

OP posts:
incognitomouse · 28/08/2025 12:02

Aside from everything else, splitting Christmas Day is an awful idea and even more awful in reality - honestly I live this hell every year with my SC. It's terrible for the kids.

I wouldn't be having Christmas together, just do alternate. That's what I do with my own DC.

Dozer · 28/08/2025 12:02

By email you could offer him the two options that you find acceptable: (1) split day or (2) whole days, with who they’re with on xmas day alternating each year. Would make clear that due to their age your 16 year old will make their own choices each year.

Say no to spending it together or any joint preparations, gifts etc.

Moonnstars · 28/08/2025 12:05

I wouldn't split the day. I would offer him the whole day as you have already making it very clear you are not hosting him and that you will make your own plans for the day or he has them boxing day or Christmas eve for the day and you have them on Christmas day but that is your day, he is not involved.
Let him take it to court if he wants. They will only suggest what you have and him wanting you there will just look silly.
Likewise I am not sure why anyone is expecting his parents to be hosted by you. He needs to facilitate them seeing the children in his time.
Stay strong.

Witchling · 28/08/2025 12:08

Just No.

"I dont want to spend Christmas with you. Let me know when you want the children and I will work around that"

nomas · 28/08/2025 12:11

alby88 · 28/08/2025 11:34

@Daleksatemyshedthis is exactly it. I’m ruining it for him. He doesn’t even play with the children and their new gifts on Christmas day. It’s because he doesn’t want to be alone. And he doesn’t have to be. I told him i’m happy for him to have them the whole day but he’s not having any of it. He wants us all to play happy families. And i think his parents do to so they have a place to go on the day. Again though, his parents come and sit down and barely interact the children. I am so busy making it special for everyone else that I don’t get to just enjoy the day with our children.

So they’re all expecting you to cook and host?

Please don’t do it, OP.

cadburyegg · 28/08/2025 12:13

I’ve been split from my ex for nearly 5 years. We split in December 2020 so we spent the first Christmas Day together as usual. He even stayed over (on the sofa) the night before.

This will prove an unpopular view on here but I look after our children 80% of the time. My ex has them EOW and a bit more in the holidays but I do most of the work and paying for everything. So I will always see my children at some point on Christmas Day. That is one thing I will not compromise on, until the children say otherwise. I don’t mind splitting the day (morning/afternoon or vice versa) or if my ex wants to come over for a couple of hours he can do that. But I don’t host/cook for him and his family anymore. Last year was great, the kids woke up with me in the morning, we did presents, my mum came over, more presents, then a light lunch (party food), my ex came over for about an hour then took the children home with him for 2 nights (he could have had them longer if he wanted). Worked well as I’d had about 3 hours sleep so went to bed very early. But initially he’d said he wanted the children to himself from 20-27 December. I told him that wouldn’t be happening. There has to be some compromise with separated families but it doesn’t have to be truly 50/50 unless that’s what the arrangement is usually. Why should the weekend parents get all the fun bits? My 7 year old said his favourite part of the day is early in the morning when they come into my bed and open stocking presents 🥰

Daleksatemyshed · 28/08/2025 12:16

Well @alby88 I don't have DC but I've heard this story from far too many divorced/seperated friends_ Dad wants a family Christmas, works on DM to make her feel guilty, Dad ends up eating, drinking and napping all day, just like when they were together.
It sounds as if you catered to his DPs as well but if his DPs want to see their DGC then your Ex will have to take them to visit. No way is it your job to look after them all. Tell your Ex that's what being seperated means.

StarDolphins · 28/08/2025 12:16

My ex is a bit like this. But since I have my DD 95% of the week, Christmas Day i insist she stays with me. Obviously, if DD wanted to spend the day with him then 100% yes. He comes for a few hours in the morning instead.

Cherrysoup · 28/08/2025 12:23

alby88 · 28/08/2025 11:41

@Cherrysoup, no, no court order. My eldest is 16 and is so easy going so doesn’t mind where he spends it, youngest is 3 so not really old enough to make decision and my middle is 9 and doesn’t want to see his Dad at all on Christmas day. And I’ve expressed this is ex dp and now he’s also putting the blame on dc for also ‘ruining’ the day.

I see why you separated! Blaming a child is ridiculous. 3 year old, if they only see df 10% of the time is unlikely to settle elsewhere. 16 year old can decide for him/herself.

SummerFrog25 · 28/08/2025 12:29

alby88 · 28/08/2025 11:53

My 9 year old has diagnosed ADHD and my ex really struggles to understand him and he has unrealistic expectations of our son (ex thinks ds can control his ADHD and thinks ds puts it on for ‘my benefit’) and this causes major distress for my 9 year old. My son does a lot of noise making (stimming) and my ex is convinced ds does this on purpose to annoy him and when i defend ds it just becomes an argument for me and ex dp.

No way would I make your 9 yo go if he doesn't want to! Christmas, when you have children, is mainly about them IMO.

Just tell him no, the children will be at yours on Christmas Day, you're NOT making them go when they don't want to. If it 'spoils his Christmas' tough fucking luck. He can spend it with his parents. The kids can go to his first a few hours in Bicunv Day, if they want to.

stop caring about him saying it's spoiling his Christmas!

watermybegonias · 28/08/2025 12:30

I wonder what would happen if you said 'Great! We'll come to yours then! It will be so lovely not to have to do any of the cooking or hosting, a real treat for me.'

And then watch him rapidly concede that you have the children alternate Christmas Days ....

harriethoyle · 28/08/2025 12:33

alby88 · 28/08/2025 11:41

@Cherrysoup, no, no court order. My eldest is 16 and is so easy going so doesn’t mind where he spends it, youngest is 3 so not really old enough to make decision and my middle is 9 and doesn’t want to see his Dad at all on Christmas day. And I’ve expressed this is ex dp and now he’s also putting the blame on dc for also ‘ruining’ the day.

Perfect time to get one. Go to MIAM mediation which is a precursor to court and then, if he won’t agree, pursue your application for a child arrangements order. There is NO WAY a court would order you to spend time with him! He’ll be laughed out…

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/08/2025 12:34

I told him i’m happy for him to have them the whole day but he’s not having any of it. He wants us all to play happy families

My cousin had this, when her adult daughter insisted on staying at "daddy's" and it was either go or not see her over Christmas at all

It'll be no surprise that she left the marriage due to his manic need for control, but luckily it worked out in the end when the daughter moved to Australia

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 28/08/2025 12:39

@alby88 oh dear! daddy no mates is throwing his dummy out the pram!!

Snorlaxo · 28/08/2025 12:41

Yanbu - that’s before taking dc2’s feelings into account.

If you cave this year, he’ll want to do things like that every year and like pp I suspect that he wants you paying, cooking and cleaning all day. It also gives him a chance to make sure that there’s no new man around even if he is dating already.

Yanbu to suggest splitting the day or alternating the day. (I assume that you live nearby) A court usually goes for alternating the day btw

mbosnz · 28/08/2025 12:53

I'm another one that would be sending an email stating what his choices and options are. And what they aren't.

So, choices he can make:

  1. To have the kids Christmas Day
  2. To split Christmas Day, if that is on the table.
  3. To not have the kids on Christmas Day, if he isn't prepared to 'do Christmas' for them, and make sure they have a nice Christmas, like any parent, with or without a willy, should want to do.

Choices he cannot make.

  1. For you to host him, whether his family tags along or not, for Christmas Day. This option is not on the table. For now and evermore. The days of you creating the Christmas to which he and his family have become accustomed, are gone, forever.
  2. He needs to keep this in mind when making his choice out of the choices he can make, because this should impact. He will be the one in charge of doing Christmas for his children, for gift shopping and wrapping for presents from him, and possibly santa, for making sure there is Christmas food that the children will enjoy, things like crackers, and trees, and ensuring they have a good Christmas, where he isn't bitching and moaning about Mum not doing it and it's her fault why it's all shit.
BeeCucumber · 28/08/2025 13:01

Ask your children what they would like to do and follow their lead. You are under no obligation to help him at all with Christmas preparations - make that very clear. If he moans about you ruining Christmas - tell him that your Christmas is going to be wonderful because he’s not there to ruin it.

usedtobeaylis · 28/08/2025 13:05

Whatever you do, do not let him into your home on Christmas Day. Either he splits the day, or you do Christmas on different days, as you suggested. Stick to your guns.

I don't know what you can do about your middle child. I think kids like to be at home on Christmas for the most part - my daughter is 10 and we don't make her do any travelling to see family etc on Christmas Day for that reason.

MummBRaaarrrTheEverLeaking · 28/08/2025 13:05

alby88 · 28/08/2025 11:34

@Daleksatemyshedthis is exactly it. I’m ruining it for him. He doesn’t even play with the children and their new gifts on Christmas day. It’s because he doesn’t want to be alone. And he doesn’t have to be. I told him i’m happy for him to have them the whole day but he’s not having any of it. He wants us all to play happy families. And i think his parents do to so they have a place to go on the day. Again though, his parents come and sit down and barely interact the children. I am so busy making it special for everyone else that I don’t get to just enjoy the day with our children.

That's it then, he's worried he won't be able to sit on his arse Christmas Day with a cook and a cleaner doing it all for him and his parents!

He doesn't give a shit about what the kids want, he wants you on skivvy duty! Tell him to fuck off.

Original poster
alby88 · 28/08/2025 13:09

Thank you for all the replies. Ex dp is trying to make me feel awful about my decision to not want to spend the day together. I just know if i do it this year he will expect it every year. He just doesn’t bring anything the day, he plays no part in making it special for any of us. His Mum actually rang me yesterday to ask what the plans are so not sure if they have been talking about it. I know they will all blame me for not having the Christmas they’re used too and it’s makes me so mad.

OP posts:
BabyCatFace · 28/08/2025 13:10

Given that your 9 year old doesn't want to go to him this year I would tell him that you'll be having them this year and he can have next year and that you'll alternate. The parent who doesn't have Xmas day can have Xmas Eve or Boxing Day for their celebration. It's usual to alternate Xmas and new year so each parent gets one each year.
If he's unhappy about that he can apply to court for a specific issue order but given it's what the children want and you're offering to alternate there is no reason why he would be successful. One of you has to be the first to not have them at Xmas and why shouldn't it be him?

Original poster
alby88 · 28/08/2025 13:12

What annoys me just as much on the day is, his family come round and the men sit in the conservatory drinking while i’m left catering to the woman and children. I just can’t understand why they can’t see just how much they take advantage of me.

OP posts:
mbosnz · 28/08/2025 13:12

They can blame the fuck away, who cares what they think? Not your circus, not your monkeys!

Deflect it back to them, tell mil that obviously you won't be hosting them, that ship has sailed, but you hope she and ex husband, if the kids are going to be with them, are going to make sure the kids have a good Christmas - and you hope that if they aren't prepared to do that, they'll think of the kids and call it early, and have the kids on Boxing Day instead. . .

Daleksatemyshed · 28/08/2025 13:18

alby88 · 28/08/2025 13:12

What annoys me just as much on the day is, his family come round and the men sit in the conservatory drinking while i’m left catering to the woman and children. I just can’t understand why they can’t see just how much they take advantage of me.

And that's why your Ex thinks you should do it all @alby88 , that's how he was brought up and he sees nothing wrong in leaving it all to you

Lemoncheesecake007 · 28/08/2025 13:18

alby88 · 28/08/2025 13:09

Thank you for all the replies. Ex dp is trying to make me feel awful about my decision to not want to spend the day together. I just know if i do it this year he will expect it every year. He just doesn’t bring anything the day, he plays no part in making it special for any of us. His Mum actually rang me yesterday to ask what the plans are so not sure if they have been talking about it. I know they will all blame me for not having the Christmas they’re used too and it’s makes me so mad.

I’m sorry you’re in this position. He is still trying to guilt and control you despite not being together and I think all you can do is show you’re not having it anymore and absolutely not agreeing to a joint Christmas together. You are being used and it’s unfair.