To not want to have Christmas with ex?

[alby88]

My ex and I are separated. We have been on the rocks for many years and i have recently left (5 months ago). The discussion of Christmas day has come up and i am happy to split the day. Either the children wake at his and i collect mid afternoon or vice versa. Ex is saying no, he wants them the whole day. I just don’t want an argument so said fine, but don’t think he’s thinking of the children. Just himself. They are with me 90% of the week, if not more. And suddenly Christmas day he wants them all day. But not just them, me! I don’t want Christmas with him, i don’t like him one bit and our Middle child doesn’t want to spend it there either. So he’s come up with another ‘solution’. He spends it at mine and i don’t want that either! I am happy to split the day. I just can’t think of a way to resolve this. He’s also saying I’m ruining Christmas. But we are not together, surely he can’t expect us to spend every Christmas together like we are still a couple until the children grow up?! Any help, advice, suggestions with be greatly appreciated.

Don't split the day if they are likely to take advantage.
e.g. you arrange for them to collect the DC at 11am and they invite themselves in and hang around expecting to be fed, or you arrange for them to drop the DC back at yours for 6pm, and they arrive at 4pm expecting drinks and food, or arrive at 9pm with overtired children.

If you must split the day, you do the dropping off and collecting, so you are in control of the times.

The best option is whole days - e.g. you have Xmas eve, Boxing day and NY day one year while he has Xmas day, then swap the next year, or have two consecutive days e.g. group Xmas Eve and Day, or Xmas day and Boxing day.

If they are likely to 'drop in' to see you, make sure you are away (with or without the kids) - consider an overnight hotel stay, or at the minimum Xmas lunch out followed by a long countryside walk.

Just tell him its not happening. He can have the whole day or half a day.

He’s a dick what he really wants is for I to be together so he takes credit for the pile of presents that u buy, as if he is on his own with them regardless he will be expected to have a good amount for them to open too. Ask the kids what they want then rotate if he can be fucked by then to do anything once he realises that ur not being a doormat and going back to him.

I hope ex doesn't have any ownership of your current home op. He sounds like just the kind of cheeky fucker who show up with his family unannounced to 'your' Christmas and it's all 'well it's my home too' so you can't throw him out and they are his guests so you can't get rid of them either and they drink all your wine and eat all your treats...

The 9 year old - let them choose, right up until the last minute. Depending on how they are, they might see their siblings head off and decide they want to go too, or they might not. No guilt tripping, make sure that they know that it's up to them and they are loved, and see how it goes.

This is important.
If it is decided that ex-DH is having the DC for any part of the day, make it clear that
a) the 16-yr-old will be making their own choice and
b) you will not force the 9-yr-old. Tell ex-DH that he should plan to have him, but he may back out at the last minute, or may not when he sees the 3-yr old is going.
It is 4 months away, so 9-yr-old may change his mind.

Why would you let him have them at all on Christmas Day when they're with you 90% of time? He doesn't get to do very little all year then take Christmas.

I would simply laugh in his face. We're divorced. There is no way on gods green earth I am waiting on you and your family on Christmas Day.

Then give him a deadline to choose one of the options that works for you, or you'll choose and he can work around you.

If MIL calls again. I would shrug and suggest that they look at local pubs for lunch as ex hasn't ever cooked a Christmas dinner and is probably expecting her to do it and also cater for the kids. With any luck they'll just take themselves off somewhere entirely

This @alby88

There is your answer, he wants you do do all the work still!!!!!!

And this is why I explicitly had it written into my agreement that access was with the agreement of the kids. I will 'facilitate' ie. I won't obstruct, the kids will be dressed and ready, but I will not force. The kids need to know that I have their back, and whilst I gave some gentle encouragement to my youngest to see their dad (which worked. Took 9 months, but worked), I will never push a crying child out of the door.

One do Xmas Day, one do Boxing Day. Alternate next year.

As I see it give him 4 options

1. You split Christmas eve w him you collect christmas day at 12 noon and has them to end boxing day. Next year it swaps
2. You have them christmas day he boxing day. Next year it swaps

3. he has the Christmas day you boxing. day next year it swaps

1. you have them he doesnt see them at all.

Give him a deadline to decide say 2-3weeks. And state pmainly. You celebrating together is not a possibility and you will not discuss it further.

Then let him at it. Any court will state you were more than Resonable

He wants to have a nice Christmas with the kids but he doesn’t want to cook.

Good point!

I would of just told his mother why is it your problem, your not part of their family anymore!

He can want what he wants. What he can’t do is force you to bend to his will to accommodate him.

Why are you still being patient with this man? If (when) he mentions it again, I’d be inclined to tell him that one of the reasons you’re divorcing him is so that you never have to spend Christmas with him again. Tell him it is no longer your job to make sure his Christmas isn’t ruined. Tell him that if he was a nice man, or went out of his way to ensure that the children had a lovely day, then you might consider it, but he is lazy, he is grumpy and you would rather spend Christmas with the Addams family than run round after him and his parents all day. So he can either pull his finger out and make an effort with the children so his day is not ruined or he can accept that the children would rather spend the whole day at home. And you’re not prepared to enter into any further discussion about it.

They just don’t want to cook! If they don’t want to they can go out and eat.

If it’s not that important to you and the children you don’t even have to have Christmas dinner if you don’t want it, have something else.

I think you need to be very very clear just now you aren’t hosting them for Christmas dinner, and yes, even tell them you might not even be making one and they need to organise something else. Lazy CFs

Honestly op. Make sure you mail your colours the mast here in that tell them you won't be cooking for them no matter what.

@alby88

What colossal cheek! How dare they expect you to still provide Christmas when you have split up? They are complete entitled CFs.

" I just can’t understand why they can’t see just how much they take advantage of me."

It's quite simple. They don't want to see. They don't want to think their nice cosy Christmas with you providing everything and waiting on them hand and foot is no longer on the table.

You need to make it very clear to all of them that family Christmas at yours is no longer happening. Not ever.

You are separated.

That means you are no longer together.

That means you are not spending Christmas together. Keep saying this ad infinitum if necessary.

And you are not ruining Christmas. Your Christmas will be fantastic as usual. In fact even more fantastic without the hideous ex arsehole.

If his Christmas is ruined that's on him. Don't feel guilty and cave in. It's not your job to provide Christmas for him or his family. They are all functioning adults. They can sort their own Christmas out. It's not difficult.

Maybe the stupid twat should have behaved better when you were together.

Exactly. You need to have used clinical precision when setting out how things will be, so there remains no leeway for chances to test your resistance should they ‘drop by’.
This means, I’d imagine, spelling it out sternly:
“Don’t forget, ExDP, when you pick them up/ drop them off, it’s a handover at the door and no more. Don’t bring your parents/siblings with you, as they are not coming in either. I mean it! Don’t try it on just because it’s Christmas Day, because I am not going to budge on this. Your family will see the children all day, and they don’t need to see me at all.
Same applies to Xmas Eve when it’ll be just me and the kids, as we agreed. Don’t turn up here for a quick drink, and I’ll be reminding your mother about it too. If we stick to our deal it’ll be a good Christmas for everyone, without any cross words.”

You clearly have absolutely nothing to feel guilty for, you've been the one doing all the work in the past and he wants that again.

Say no to him and come back to mumsnet if you feel yourself wavering!

I bet this is not for the children's benefit....he just wants you to cook and do all the childcare while he sits around! 😠

I would tell him the 9 year old doesn’t want to spend Christmas Day with him, so either

1. the 16 and 3 year old spend time at Dads and then come home in the evening and you do your Christmas then re presents etc ( and food if dads is not doing the full spread )
2. they all spend it at yours and he gets them boxing day

i would not force the 9 year old to go

I’d say they can have Boxing Day at their dad’s. If you do 90% of the parenting and your 9yo doesn’t want to go, why the hell should your ex get what he wants?