To not want to have Christmas with ex?

[alby88]

My ex and I are separated. We have been on the rocks for many years and i have recently left (5 months ago). The discussion of Christmas day has come up and i am happy to split the day. Either the children wake at his and i collect mid afternoon or vice versa. Ex is saying no, he wants them the whole day. I just don’t want an argument so said fine, but don’t think he’s thinking of the children. Just himself. They are with me 90% of the week, if not more. And suddenly Christmas day he wants them all day. But not just them, me! I don’t want Christmas with him, i don’t like him one bit and our Middle child doesn’t want to spend it there either. So he’s come up with another ‘solution’. He spends it at mine and i don’t want that either! I am happy to split the day. I just can’t think of a way to resolve this. He’s also saying I’m ruining Christmas. But we are not together, surely he can’t expect us to spend every Christmas together like we are still a couple until the children grow up?! Any help, advice, suggestions with be greatly appreciated.

Come on, you can't let him grind you down on this.

Say, "No, I do all the work for the children all year round and I want to spend the day with them. They can come to you after lunch and spend a few hours with you and you can give them your presents and a nice tea then. You can also see them for a few hours on Boxing Day."

Also say, "No way am I spending Christmas Day with you and your family. You all just want someone to cook for you. I did it enough times when we were together and I'm never doing it again."

When his mum gets in touch say, "Well obviously as we're separated now, I'm having a quiet Christmas with my kids. I'm looking forward to not having to do all the cooking and cleaning for a crowd. Hope you have a lovely time with XP. I'm sure you'll see the kids over the Christmas period."

I would tell him that you will not be spending christmas with him nor his family and he is welcome to have the children Christmas day or Boxing day and he needs to let you know by the 1st of December or you will assume otherwise and have the children on Christmas day yourself.
Set your boundaries and a date and ignore the rest of his noise, he isn't your problem anymore, you don't have to feed him, see him or listen to him anymore.

Don't give in! You do everything every other day - why should he have them all of Christmas? That's just not fair. It reminds me of the woman buying and wrapping all the presents, cleaning the house, buying the food, cooking it, serving it, and then the man carving the turkey and everyone telling him what a great man he is.

Push back hard with some appropriate phrases.

Don’t be ridiculous, we’re separated.
Don’t think for one minute that I’m hosting you and your family ever again.
Time for you to learn how to host Christmas at yours.

And work out what you’re going to do if he turns up at yours and tries to walk in.

Yes, all of this. Please don’t split the day. Alternate each year, with the other parent seeing them on Boxing Day.

As somebody who had an ex ruining at least two Christmases by sitting at my Christmas dinner table or texting the other woman in front of my very eyes I really wouldn’t let him over the doorstep. You need to put boundaries in place as soon as possible.
You are not together. The kids need to understand that you are not together and you do not have to accommodate him.

You don’t owe him and his selfish family anything any more. Just keep repeating no. No negotiation. Just ask him to pick a day and stick to it. I’d resent even giving him the choice tbh but if it makes your life easier… just don’t give in and end up being everyone’s scivvy again.

Just think how great Christmas will be from now on without this 😍 I think it's crazy for your ex and his family to expect you to still have Christmases together. Me and my ex take it in turns to have our son on Christmas Day, maybe suggest you have this year as your middle doesn't want to go, then maybe next year you'll have settled into a routine and it might be easier for him to have them.

You’re quite right, it’d be a far better plan not to split up the day. It’ll inevitably be messy, with last minute demands/ incursions etc, al, falling on you.
Ex must be a bit thick in the head if he reckons you cannot see through his requests, which are as you suspected, all about retaining your domestic services. Bloody nerve.
Let his own family have him and the children on 25th, or everyone at his place ditto. Surely one of them can cook.

For yourself and your own special day, I’d say it’ll be crucial that it’s made clear, and repeated to everyone, that there are to be NO drop-in visits with gifts, for drinks, and all that Jazz. It’s you and the kids (and any of your own invited, natch) But his side of things? No flipping way. They’ll have their own day.
Safe bet anything like that would end up being him outside when they knock, and then demanding ingress too.

i think it’s essential you draw the line right now, with him and his mother, so that you haven’t these brazen imprecations raining down you through this new Autumn term. Hang tough.
I think having your own separate, Christmas Eve festive day would be a wonderful new tradition to begin. Très continental!

If you could afford it OP I would be tempted to go away for a night or two, or book Christmas dinner out. It will prevent any "We were passing and missed the kids, any spare turkey and ham?" opportunities. Or if you have family or friends in the area willing to pool resources and have you at theirs for Christmas day. No fucking way would I be slaving over a hot turkey for ex or ex-mil, the brass neck of her to even phone you to ask.

Just say no that would be confusing for the kids.
Then have an amazing “fake” Christmas a day or two before. I do this most years as I am a shift worker so often miss Christmas plus my ex who isn’t really interested in the children the rest of the year then wants them for Christmas.
It has worked out so well for us and my whole extended family join in. This leaves them free to do their own thing on “real” Christmas Day. For example my brother always then goes to his wife’s family for actual Christmas.

Its a made up day in the calendar.
you can always switch up the food as well. So if him/ his parents are having a turkey roast then you can have salmon or a buffet or whatever the kids would like.
We never had Santa at ours as I thought that would be confusing but we do everything else. It’s just as exciting to wake up and open presents from mum.
Make a fuss this year and put your foot down otherwise you will set a precedent for every year. Focus on it will be confusing and therefore not fair to the kids (which is true),rather than because you are a loser I don’t want to.

No no no no no.
Do not let him bully you.
You’ve given him a couple of decent alternatives and he doesn’t like them because they will both involve him either making Christmas magical (e.g. hard work), or failing his children. Neither of which he really wants to do.

Options

1. You do the kids waking up with one parent and they stay until after lunch and then go to the other parents house.

2. Kids spent the whole it Xmas day at one parents and then go in the evening/early next morning to have second Xmas there.

Do not agree to spend the day together. You are separated and it gives mixed signals to the children especially as you’re not on great terms. This only works in rare situations where everyone actually gets on.

Give him the two options and if needs be bite the bullet and let him go first this year with having the kids for the day/morning first so it’s easier for him to agree.

It will be tough but it needs to happen and then next year you’ll get your turn.

Oh love, you’re really going to need to toughen up with your ex and his parents. They’ll trample all over you no matter how reasonable you are, because they’re selfish and think you’re just there to provide for them, in their eyes.

Set out your expectations about everything very clearly from now on and stand firm! Don’t let him try to dictate.

From the sounds of your lazy ex and his cheeky parents, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if they didn’t decided to ‘pop in’ unannounced to see if they could cadge some food and drink, knowing that you won’t want any confrontation on Christmas Day in front of the children. I’ve met their sort before!!!

Pre-empt the possibility by booking Christmas dinner in a nice hotel/restaurant with your kids so that you don’t have to cook and you’ll all be out for a few hours on the day.

Stand firm OP. Whether the DC are with you this year and him next year, or vice versa, or you split the day between you, the thing that should NOT happen is that you spend it with him and his parents, either at his house or yours.

It’s not unheard of. My parents did most of Christmas Day together. We’d stay at dads Xmas eve, go to my mam’s for the morning/ lunch/ early avo and then dad would go home
eithet before or after tea… I’m glad they did.

Just remember he's trying to make you feel bad for not cooking for him and doing all the work.
You're not doing anything wrong.
Maybe if he had treated you better when you were still together you would all be together for Christmas.
You said yourself he doesn't even want his kids all day on Christmas, he wants someone to do all the work while he chills out.

It sounds like your ex ils were hoping that you’d be skivvy for the day too. Stick to your guns.

Actually this ^
and his parents might walk in as well so tbh for this reason alone I would send kids to him for the whole day, but I really feel for your middle one. It student sound as he wants to spend the day with his dad whenever it will be.

You are not responsible for hosting your ex, his parents or any of his extended family on Christmas Day any more. You are no longer a couple and your only responsibility is towards your children. Your elder child isn't bothered, your middle child actively doesn't want to spend Christmas with his dad and your three year old is too young to care. Do not spend Christmas Day with your ex-husband, either at your house or his. Do not facilitate anything for him or his parents. You and your children are the family unit now.

His behaviour towards your middle child is disgusting so the best Christmas present you can give this child is a Christmas Day without his dad. That's sad, but your ex has brought this on himself for being such an intolerant and ableist parent.

I wouldn’t split the day as it means both of you can’t choose to spend Christmas elsewhere - like with other family. Him having Xmas day and you having Boxing Day and then swooping next year is easier in my view. My friend had split day ordered by the court and it was a nightmare for her.

Stick to your guns
Tell ex either he has them Xmas day or Boxing day or he splits the day. Your doing your own Christmas, once he decides what he is doing then let you know

What did his mum say

Stay firm OP and be clear you are not spending Christmas day with him, if he has the kids this year then you'll have them next year etc

I can’t believe his mum has called you asking about Christmas plans! Massive CF. You are separated, so you will not be hosting him and his family at your house ever again*. They need to get used to that ASAP.

*unless you really decide you want to, but I’d seriously recommend that shouldn’t be for several years at least.