To not want to have Christmas with ex?

[alby88]

My ex and I are separated. We have been on the rocks for many years and i have recently left (5 months ago). The discussion of Christmas day has come up and i am happy to split the day. Either the children wake at his and i collect mid afternoon or vice versa. Ex is saying no, he wants them the whole day. I just don’t want an argument so said fine, but don’t think he’s thinking of the children. Just himself. They are with me 90% of the week, if not more. And suddenly Christmas day he wants them all day. But not just them, me! I don’t want Christmas with him, i don’t like him one bit and our Middle child doesn’t want to spend it there either. So he’s come up with another ‘solution’. He spends it at mine and i don’t want that either! I am happy to split the day. I just can’t think of a way to resolve this. He’s also saying I’m ruining Christmas. But we are not together, surely he can’t expect us to spend every Christmas together like we are still a couple until the children grow up?! Any help, advice, suggestions with be greatly appreciated.

I can see where he gets it from - his parents!

Because it’s in their interest not to.

Keep firm, you will be kicking yourself if you don’t push back on this.

Can you go away for Christmas with the kids to your own family?

He and his parents want you to be in charge of Christmas like you always have been. His mother knows you have separated, surely? What is she thinking of?!
You've got a 3 year old. I don't know that I would want to miss the excitement of Santa having been etc etc
Two options. He collects whichever children want to go to his at either
6pm Christmas eve and brings them back boxing day morning, or
boxing day morning until teatime the following day.
He doesn't get to see you and guilt trip you on Christmas day.

If ex-MIL calls again about Christmas plans, just say that you are still thinking about a meal at a restaurant or hotel and then ask her what her plans are this year.

It's hard but stop caring about what ex and his parents think of you.

The dc and you are what matters here. If they live nearby I would maybe see if the 16 year old would like to arrange to see his dad at some point in the day but otherwise you get this Christmas.

I am exactly like the poster who said she doesn't share Christmas and my dc are 18 and 16 now and have never wanted to spend the whole day with their dad. They see him for a couple of hours before or after lunch instead and last year they said, 'why do we have to see dad at Christmas? All we do is open a present and then go to our rooms- what's even the point?!' Then they laughed. They don't mind and actually get on alright with him but he just doesn't do Christmas but insists on seeing them to make a point to me. If he had the imagination he could have come up with some traditions for that couple of hours but he's too lazy and it's not his thing.

Don't get drawn in to his nonsense and do what is right for you and the dc. I personally wouldn't be engaging with his mother at all - not necessary now you have split.

You’re talking in the present tense: you’ve separated. Your ex and ex in laws can think and want what they like: you’re no longer doing it.

i like @BabyCatFace’s approach.

I’d refer ex MiL to her DS.

People who take advantage of other people are not the kind of people who see themselves as taking advantage. If they were, they’d at least feel bad. In reality, they’re the type of people who get angry with the worker bee when the work stops. All they see is the end of the gravy train and the prospect of the gig being up - and they don’t like it.
Your ex-MIL is well aware of all this. That’s why she called you in August. She knows the work will fall to her.
Don’t. Do. It.
Your children will gain nothing from you cooking and serving their dad and his family and barely seeing you. There’s nothing in it for them.
Beyond that, it’s none of your business what your ex does. And don’t bother yourself thinking about it. You do your Christmas work for you and your DC, in the day or the day before or after. And that’s it. Start as you mean to go on. I’m angry in your behalf at the cheek of the lazy gits.

My ex and I always split the day, swapping around lunchtime. One of us has the morning, one the evening, depending on who has them the night before. We wouldn't want to spend the day together. I usually suggest he has the afternoon, as the children get to experience a family Christmas lunch with his big family who live locally. I enjoy the morning with them anyway.

Some men (and his mum too in this case) just cant get their heads round it can they?!

You've resigned from role of slave/dogsbody... its over. Its a unilateral decision. You will no longer serve him and his family on Christmas day or any other day. Goodbye.

Just reiterate that you are now split, and Christmas together will not be happening. Is not in the best interests of the children.

Just tell him no. Don’t let him into your house and don’t turn up at his. He can’t force anything on you. Have the argument now if that’s what it takes or you will have years of him thinking he still gets to tell you what to do.

Have you not read anything the OP has posted? He clearly IS abusive!! Kids aren’t stupid! They don’t need to be made to spend time with someone they don’t want to

Fuck that, you’ll be doing Christmas your way, without him and his bloody family - enjoy and don’t get bullied into it!

Put yourself and your children first for a change!!! Listen to the children’s wishes and have them for Xmas. If he wants them next Xmas then that can be discussed in mediation and with court when it happens. Until then as the main parent and only one thinking what’s best for the children then keep them with you and have a lovely Xmas on your own and tell the in-laws that they obviously will be doing whatever they want but it won’t be at your house anymore!!!

Ask the children and tell them they can’t have you both at same time.

You're not ruining Christmas. You and the kids will have a lovely Christmas with each other, on which ever day you choose to have it. My Christmases since the split have been wonderful - good food, good company, relaxed etc.

They, similarly, can have a lovely Christmas on whichever day you agree between you - but without you, and certainly can have a lovely Christmas day whatever (just potentially without the kids until a second Christmas on a different day, and obviously without having you prep it all for them).

The 9 year old - let them choose, right up until the last minute. Depending on how they are, they might see their siblings head off and decide they want to go too, or they might not. No guilt tripping, make sure that they know that it's up to them and they are loved, and see how it goes.

I'd tell both him and his mother that the way he has behaved over all the past Christmases is one of the 365 reasons you want to divorce him now, and that you therefore won't spend the day with him. You're leaving him exactly because you don't want to spend Christmas (or most other days) with him...

"Hi all,

Just thought I'd send everyone a message so we're all on the same page about Christmas and able to organise in advance.

With our seperation, Xmas will look different going forward, so I won't be hosting for everyone on Christmas day.
I'm happy to split the day, with the kids spending Xmas eve and xmas morning at one home, then being collected/dropped to the other home at lunchtime.
Alternatively I'm also flexible and comfortable with alternating Christmases yearly.

There's also the whole holiday period the children are off school to do anything you may have planned/wanted to do like panto etc.
What works best for you?

At the end of the day Christmas is about the children and they're looking forward to it, whatever the day ends up looking like.

Speak soon"

Why should the 3 year old be with mum but the other 2 get to decide for themselves?

Be careful on setting a precedent here. I do Christmas eve to Christmas day afternoon with my daughter and then run her up to her mum's and she has boxing day there too. It works.

I started out own traditions too, it's really nice but hard work organising Christmas on your own.

Find your incredulity and shock. Your response needs to be on the lines of "why are you still going on about this, we've split up, it's completely bizarre to think we'd spend Christmas together. What a crazy idea." Etc. And move on to laying out the suggested options which are acceptable, like alternating christmases.

Say no, give him Christmas day if he wants it and start a magic new tradition ..whether it be Christmas Eve or Boxing Day or even New Years ..you bring the magic 🎄🌲✨️✨️

‘They [DC] don’t need to be made to spend time with someone they don’t want to’

If the situation gets to the family court then OP would probably be required to facilitate contact/X number of nights a week or every other weekend for her DC2 (age 9) and DC3 (aged 3).

OP has offered her ex two reasonable options regarding Christmas, and generously offered him the first Christmas day. As PPs say, her ex’s requests would not be deemed reasonable.

I agree with all the above. You need to stand firm. You are not his skivvy, and your only obligation is to the children. Try and facilitate it the best way possible for them, but do not back down on your boundaries.

Keep in mind that if you are drained by it, it lessens your ability to be present for your children. Don't let him continue to manipulate you after you have split. This is all about control and what is best for him. Don't give in.

I did actually say to his Mum that i don’t mind if he wants them all day because although we live less than 10 minutes away from each other i wouldn’t want the children to have to stop one Christmas to start another. Because i do feel we would do Christmas very different. He’s more about the food and drink and i’m more about enjoying the gifts. I would make tomorrow feel like Christmas day for them if I had to. I think the biggest worry for ex and his parents/family is who will make Christmas for them. And the more i think about it and all the replies on this thread i’ve come to realise they are the selfish ones. When i was heavily pregnant with my youngest (8 months pregnant) i did all the cooking on that day and even set up my sons new gaming desk while everyone else just got drunk. Which just shows what kind of people they are.