Money 'borrowed'

[Alice19876]

I got married three years ago. To my husband who is a tradie who works hard for our family while I stay home with our twins who are 18 months old.
I am very lucky to be a stay at home mom and my husband works very hard to provide for us we don't live beyond our means and have one holiday abroad a year and one year in England.
when we got engaged we planned a Cyprus wedding but due to Covid that fell apart and we lost about 1.5k in deposits.
due to this we decided to have a cheap uk wedding in December in a beautiful venue that does packages nothing I don't regret. Now here comes the issue, I'm an only child and when my parents were there during my engagement they was over the moon for me they even offered 10k to get married abroad and I was shocked but so thankful. But obviously due to Covid the wedding abroad it never went ahead. Since we moved the wedding to the uk and it coming a lot more my parents said it was ok the budget was still the same. While we paid other fees. ,then they made changes to the wedding ie the evening wedding food was a basic package but my dad wanted the upgrade to a hog roast which was 1.5k including other changes, my wedding dress they said not to worry so we went shopping for my dress I found a lovely one for £800 but my mom made me try on a 2.5k dress with a 1k veil and extras. But they reassured me, I'm their only child and little girl it's okay. Then added extras as their friends are coming, a harpist which they wanted etc so it came about 10k but we put the rest.

happy wedding and all good until yesterday. My parents informed me the wedding money they 'loaned' me they need back in a year. It wasn't ever a loan and I'm shocked. It's been 3 years and never mentioned once. My dad is taking early retirement this year which I don't blame him but they want the money to go on a cruise. As I mentioned I'm a stay at home mom to twins and also now another baby on the way. Where do I get this money from? When all along for 3 years plus the year before telling me not to worry. I feel sick, I have such a good relationship with my parents so I don't want this to affect our relationship. But I don't have a spare 10k they told me I shouldn't have gone on holiday this year and gave them the money instead but they have never mentioned this before!? If it was a loan it would've been paid back since we first got married. I can't sleep as I'm so worried. Aibu? Do I just take a loan out?

Guess you'll need to invoice them for the free labour, or at least remind them that he never charged for it!

So sorry OP, how unbelievably stressful and unexpected for you. Clearly, legally, they don’t have a leg to stand on. But it’s so sad that this will have a - probably irreversible - impact on your relationship. Insane behaviour from them.

How many properties have your parents got? If they are struggling to live, especially with another cruise to fund, perhaps they should consider selling one to avoid harassing their only child for money?

@Alice19876 It struck me yesterday that maybe you have always gone along with them for a quiet life and never really put your foot down, for fear of falling out with them. If that’s the case, it was always going to have to happen sometime, now that you are married and a parent yourself. If it wasn’t this, it would be something else: if you have been trained by them to be a pleaser, they are used to getting their own way with you. Better put your foot down now than have them decide they are moving in with you to be their sole carer at a later point (or some other crazy thing). Best of luck, it’s painful but it has to be done xx

Say you can't afford to pay it all and you'll pay them back at so much a month (whatever you can afford) while stressing you were sure it was a gift or you wouldn't have spent so much and they must realise you are not earning anything at the minute. Is it worth falling out with your parents completely by saying you're not going to pay it back at all? And/or negotiate about how much extra you spent because of the 'gift' and deduct that from the 'loan'. £100 voucher as a wedding gift from your parents sounds pretty miserly!

Don't pay them. This is a really shitty thing for them to do. If your relationship is affected it's their fault not yours.
It's clear from what you say that it was originally a gift - including them wanting to upgrade things that cost more.
You say it is your word against theirs - you're right. They have no proof they lent you the money because they didn't. Stand your ground. They'll either see sense or not.
Personally, my relationship with them would already be affected by their behaviour. Don't go into debt over it as well.

I wouldn't give them a penny, of course it wasn't a loan.

I'd actually want to see how far they would go to get it back.

Their actions from now on will be very telling if you do nothing OP.

Honestly OP you don’t need legal advice, there is no signed agreement, there is no loan.

General rule: if a relationship with a friend or family member requires that you pay them money to stop the relationship turning sour, the relationship is already dead. Don't do CPR on a corpse, you cannot buy love.

2nd slightly less general rule: if they can make up an entirely fictional loan agreement history then you can make up any additional terms you like. Eg that there was a 1000 year term on the loan and no repayments are due until 3023. But that's dodgy ground as you'd have to concede the existence of the "loan" to play that game.

Please don’t even consider paying anything back. They wanted the hog roast, harpist and extra guests. Your mum wanted the more expensive dress, and I think you said they paid directly to the suppliers? So you didn’t get the money…. There was no mention of it being a loan at all. They can’t change the terms three years later. They paid for those services. You didn’t ask them it was all their choice. So no way do you owe them anything.

Find your anger. These are your parents, prepared to rip off their only child so they can go on a cruise. Knowing you are pregnant. Knowing you are a SAHM to the twins. Nasty people. Stand firm with your husband. You owe them nothing.

Continue to ignore your mums calls, you really don’t need to hear what she’s got to say at the moment, and it puts you back in control. Give it a few more days. Then answer and if she asks again for repayment tell her you have never had a loan from them. They paid for extra services because they wanted to. You were very appreciative of their generosity but at no time was it stated it was a loan, and you will not be repaying anything. Nothing else to say. If they keep on, just repeat. Mum we’ve had this conversation. There was no mention of your generosity being a loan and we won’t be paying you. And finally…Mum we've had enough of this nonsense. We won’t be paying you any money, please stop asking. And if it still doesn’t stop, then ignore. No way will they take you to court, what would there friends say?! And any solicitor will laugh them out of the room.

Don’t spend time worrying about it. It’s very sad that they would upset you for the sake of a cruise, and that tells you a lot about your parents I’m afraid.

Disgusting behaviour. I’m sorry op.

If OP agrees to pay them back, this implies that she agrees that it was a loan and not a gift. Her parents could then legally take her to the small claims court. As there was never any mention of it being a loan and no loan agreement, she should just refuse to pay it back.

Her relationship with her parents is pretty much dead now anyway. What sort of parents decide, three years after the wedding, that their pregnant daughter with 18 month old twins should pay back the costs of her wedding within a year so that they can go on a cruise?

I’m sorry that your relationship with your parents is gone - this had nothing to do with you.
When I got married, my mum really wanted the vintage cars and a very good photographer. My parents paid for that any there was never ever any hint of us to pay it back. Not then, nor ever.
Just like you, we’d have been okay with not having these extras.
Your parents cannot now demand the money back when you didn’t even want what they insisted on having at your wedding.
As others have said, don’t offer anything back at all. It was a gift and there is nothing on record to disprove it.

If there was no paper work saying it was a loan and no conversation about it being a loan , it's a gift. You didn't ask them for a loan they didn't offer you a loan . They gave you a gift and now they regret it for whatever reason

And any solicitor will laugh them out of the room.

@MinnieGirl they would indeed and that would be nothing compared to what the District Judge would have to say. One particularly acidic legal buzzard I knew would have sent them away with a flea in their ear for wasting the court's time and he'd have been right.

I'm still reeling at all this, OP. If it HAD been a loan it might have affected the amount you could have got on your mortgage. Plus most loans attract interest - and your parents maybe should have declared that as income on their tax returns. If you accept it was a loan they could now add interest to the pot.

Get your DH to tot up the value of his labour on the work he has done for them - and add interest too!

I'm not seriously suggesting this at all. There IS NO LOAN. Don't even consider it. Even paying them £10 a month would be taken as acceptance of the whole sum being owed and will be real burden for your family. It could also affect your DHs ability to get a loan for his business.

It is not - and never was - a loan. Give them a gift of £100 for spending money on their next cruise, but nothing more.

It's a sad fact that lending money to relatives/friends is a big mistake. It ruins relationships - and I guess yours is now ruined through their fault.

Despite all this, to salvage something from it all, go and talk to them and explain your feelings, apologise if you think it will help, but point out your disappointment re all this and that it may have serious consequences for your relationship with them in future.

Good luck. You sound like a lovely daughter, you don't deserve this awful situation.

Tell them you will reach out to their friends for help to pay them back.

After all the hog roast and harpist was about impressing them.

How tacky they are.
You must be cringing op

@Alice19876 - regarding your DH and the work he’s done, perhaps charge them his hourly rate than if they keep insisting, back dated of course!

I had 3 children very close in age, I didn’t pay childcare, they stayed home with their dad!
I worked nights he worked days!

You could message them saying you didn't realise this is how finances were now being done in the family, but now that you know, husband will send over his invoice for £10000 for all the labour he did.

Wow, they either said “we’ll give you money for your wedding”, or “we’ll lend you money for the wedding”. If they didn’t use the L word, they can’t ask for the money back.

I mean I’ve never heard of anybody giving someone else money without making it clear at the start whether it’s a gift or loan…

Hi op it doesn’t sound good you but you have to be honest with them tell them you don’t have that type of money and can’t get it from anywhere and had they made it clear it was a loan you wouldn’t have took it and tell them some items they insisted on were way out of your budget but they kept telling you not to worry. Ask them why have they chosen to tell you now 3 years down the line. I would not give them anything especially if it’s just a cruise there picking a cruise over you. I would be willing to lose them after this if there not bothering with you unless you go there they don’t seem to care about you or your kids.

They've decide they want to book a cruise, they can't afford it so came up with a plan to pretend your wedding was a loan, it would never stand up in court.
Either tell them to take you to court or offer a token monthly repayment, stand up.to them but be prepared for the fall out

Could you try stripping out all
the extra expense incurred like the dress cost and food cost as that was the changes they made and get the price down Somewhat that way ?