Inheritance dilemma

[midlifesharp]

Some context- my SIL (early 40s) is the most useless woman. She doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, is a SAHM who doesn’t do housework or look after children. She doesn’t read books or watch films or have any kind of hobby or inner life. Fortunately for her she was born extremely beautiful and has had people looking after and supporting her her whole life. I actually don’t dislike her (I realise I sound like I do!) because she’s not usually unkind or cruel- she’s just boring, a bit self centred, helpless and unable to do anything for herself.

The problem- MIL is dying. She has 3 children- my DH, SIL and my lovely BIL. MIL lives abroad with her sister as the temperature helped her degenerative condition, but recently things have got worse and she’s going into hospice care. She’s moving out of her house and sorting out all her possessions before she goes. She has a lot of lovely jewellery and paintings and arty things that she’s collected over the years and wanted to arrange everything before she goes into hospice so we’re not having to deal with the house and possessions as well as her dying when we fly out.

She asked me to set up a family call so they could discuss and agree in advance who gets what so she can have things boxed and parcelled up as appropriate. I set up a zoom call and sent the details to everyone. I even messaged SIL separately to check that she had the details and crucially knew how to join the call (either download the app or join in her browser.) Then, after worrying about it some more I sent her the link to the app in the App Store, some clear instructions and suggested she practice beforehand.

Obviously at the time of the call she wasn’t able to get it to work having not done anything before hand. My 80+ MIL and her sister managed just fine but apparently it was beyond SIL. MIL was extremely disappointed and just texted her that we’d go ahead without her and hope that she was able to join. She eventually got her 10 year old son to sort it and joined 35 mins late. She was utterly furious to find out that we’d started without her and that the jewellery had already been discussed. Just to be clear- she got most of the jewellery. MIL still gave her many items that she knew she liked but there were a couple of pieces that MIL gave to me and to BIL’s wife. SIL’s not totally crass so didn’t say anything to her mum, but she did call me up afterwards to say she was shocked that she wasn’t getting all the jewellery as the only daughter, that it wasn’t fair because she wasn’t on the call, and that she expected me and BILs wife to give her the pieces MIL had said were for us.

DH told her to do one (in a more polite way). It turned into a big row and he suggested that she call up mum if she didn’t like it. He also pointed out that she was the only child not to have visited MIL in FOUR years, despite having the most financial resources, support at home and free time. Both myself and BILs wife have visited 1-2 times a year as MIL is lovely and the grandchildren love her and I’m happy to have something to remember her by.

Was I unreasonable to set up the call the way I did? If I’m honest, deep down I knew she’d somehow not be able to manage it. I could have looked into other options. Also AIBU not to give her the items MIL gave me, bearing in mind if she’d managed to join the zoom call I’d be unlikely to have them?

(We’re talking about total value of jewellery gifts to me and BILs wife of around £5k, remaining £50k plus to SIL. Total remaining estate about £500k split evenly 3 ways.)

Finally, before people come on and say how awful everyone sounds, I’ve not touched upon how devastated everyone is and how sad and how miserable this all is. This is simply a post asking for feedback on one aspect.

Indeed. I was a SAHM for a few years. No disrespect intended although saying women who work “outsource” raising their children isn’t on.
SIL lives rurally, doesn’t drive. She has a cleaner about 10 hours a week plus something called a “mothers help” for about 20 hours per week who takes the kids to school and picks them up again, does washing, ironing, a few meals and takes the children to clubs.
Oldest son is sitting entrance exams soon and her husband is managing the tutoring for that.

She’s a present mother, in that she’s sometimes in the house at the same time as the kids being nice to them though….

That’s insightful. The bit about inheritance being seen as a proxy for love. My own mum was massively awful and MIL was great and lovely. Perhaps I do want something I can look at and think “she loved me”.
Now I’m sad.

You see @midlifesharp i totally disagree with that perspective - as an only daughter whose mother has died, and who distributed her jewellery among GC, DIL and me in accordance with the notes she left in each jewellery box. I thought it was lovely she’d been able to think about who got what from her own perspective and the relationships she’d had and I was happy to honour that rather than grasping everything for myself.

I don't agree that it all should go automatically to the daughter if MIL doesn't wish to do that. My own MIL gave me a beautiful ring after I had my second child. It is hugely meaningful to me. I know my SIL will get most of the jewellery eventually and my daughter will get some but I am close to my MIL and we are family. The daughter is being extremely selfish to cause a fuss when it's clear she is still been fairly accounted for.

SIL has 2 sons, I have one of each, BIL has a daughter. So unless she plans to leave the jewellery to her nieces (unlikely) then her daughter in laws will get some lovely pieces from someone they never even met.

When my mother died, she was fortunate enough to have the time to get her affairs in order... family members came to visit and items were handed over as keepsakes and she loved that. She, being an Irish mother, had an extensive linen and religious statue collection... on the morning of her funeral, friends and family were discreetly led up to her bedroom and into the kitchen and asked to take souvenirs (the statue of the Blessed Virgin Mary was in a stand off with the Infant of Prague with two cousins) but everyone was happy.

Afterwards, as we cleared the house, my sister and I tossed a coin and went through pieces that we did or didn't want... her wedding ring was given to a cousin!

You OP, did what was asked of you in a gracious manner and your MiL had the strain taken off of her, you did a good job and I think you and your husband should feel good that you made the journey a little easier. Now when you wear the jewels, sparkle because I am sure that is what she would like you to do.

I wouldn't give sil the jewellery. It sounds very much as though mil wanted you and her other dil to have things that meant something to you both. Sil has no right to anything only what her mother wants to give her. £45 grands worth of jewellery is enough for anyone. The greedy bitch hasn't even bothered to get off her arse to see her terminally ill mother.
Your dh also thinks it's right for you to have something. I'm so sorry you are going to lose someone who means so much to you.

Shes been given £50k 's worth of jewellery but wants the remaining £10k because she's the only daughter?

What a piece of work! Tell the grabbie bitch to fuck off

Make sure all communications in future are on zoom

Some context- my SIL (early 40s) is the most useless woman. She doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, is a SAHM who doesn’t do housework or look after children. She doesn’t read books or watch films or have any kind of hobby or inner life. Fortunately for her she was born extremely beautiful and has had people looking after and supporting her her whole life. I actually don’t dislike her (I realise I sound like I do!) because she’s not usually unkind or cruel- she’s just boring, a bit self centred, helpless and unable to do anything for herself

tbh I’m wondering what this context has to do with the inheritance situation. Sounds like you’ve added it in to make it sound like she doesn’t need anything because she’s a kept woman.

Do you have any daughters, @midlifesharp?

If my mother was dying and had arranged a call I would have made sure I could access it. She does sound a bit entitled and I think you were more than fair. Unless the piece you have is especially valuable to her in emotional terms (and I’m guessing not as your MIL gave it to you for a specific reason and also gave your other SIL something) then this sounds entirely fair. I have sons and a daughter and would absolutely want my DIL to have something… I would know what would mean most to my daughter as well I think, and would give her something significant as well. She has 90% of the jewellery! Don’t forget your MIL is still alive and respect her wishes!!!

There’s no dilemma here. One person is so very clearly in the wrong that there is no debate.
My mum has been clear that she has split her jewellery equally between me and my DBro in her will. We are equally her children and she likes the idea of a future DIL or grand daughters through her son having some of her gems. It has never crossed my mind for a micro second that I’m entitled to all of it because Vagina.

The OP did EXACTLY as she was asked to by the person who currently owns the jewellery. I think that daughters expecting to get stuff is quite unpleasant actually. Also why do you think that ANYBODY should go against the wishes of the person who owns the jewellery?

My mum will certainly split jewellery as well as other personal possessions between my brother and I because we are both her children. The fact what goes to my brother will be his wife who wears it is surely irrelevant. Even if it matters my SIL the mother of two of my parents four grandchildren and a key part of our family.

All this bitterness could have been avoided and it would have been much better for everyone if she's bequeathed the lot to The Cats Protection.

Not the intention. I think I included the additional info to try to explain why she was unable to join the call. I was talking to a friend about it without the specifics and she assumed I’d arranged something more complicated (eg asking her to get Microsoft teams!) so it was weirdly important to me that people realised I’d organised something straightforward and that the problem may elsewhere. I may have been a bit too detailed though. Fortunately the odds of her being on Mumsnet are minuscule.

The daughter/daughters normally should expect to get their mum’s jewellery actually.. If it was all sons, then the jewellery goes to the granddaughters. That is what I have seen and how my family has/would work.

Well this isn't your family is it. MiL in this case is still alive and deciding for herself what she wants to do and her wishes should be respected both before and after her death. Daughter is being really greedy and crass, even putting aside not visiting her mother in 4 years less alone now she has a finite time. in MY view OP would be very disrepectful to give SiL the jewellery as that's not honouring what MiL wants.

No one should "expect" to get anything when a relative dies. You aren't entitled to it. It's entirely up to that person to decide how to distribute their estate. From the sounds of it most of the jewellery isn't family heirlooms handed down for generations, it's items bought by MiL in her own lifetime. Daughter is getting most of it anyway. OP should keep the items she's being given and remember her loved (and amazing sounding ) MiL every time she wears them.

Doesn't sound like she'd be able to set up an account or find the site.

I think it’s fair enough you both get something. Would she really have demanded all the jewellery? She is out of order, and glad your DH told her that. It’s what your MIL wants. Your SIL can complain all she likes, and i’d be happy to tell her that she is totally selfish and out or order demanding ALL the jewellery.

Hmm it really doesn’t sound like she has anything to give you a hard time about then. Her sons are hardly likely to be interested in all of this jewellery long term.

That’s lovely that both your daughter and your BIL’s DD will most likely eventually receive the smaller amount of jewellery your MIL has gifted to you both now. That’s such a shame your SIL hasn’t considered that her mother may have liked her 2 Granddaughters to eventually receive something and for that to stay in the family.

I think that as MIL has made the decisions about who gets what you shouldn't feel bad OP, and now it's up to your DH to deal with his sister if she keeps on about it. I think it's lovely that you have a close enough bond with your MIL that she'd like to honour it by giving you something special.

I'm being left all my mum's jewellery (I have two brothers) but I will pass some onto my niece later so that she has something of my mum's. In turn, my daughter will have all of my jewellery in my will although should I have DILs along the way if my sons marry I would make sure if there's anything specific I'd want them to have it's done ahead of time. Mind you, my mum and I don't have £50k between us so maybe it's less of an issue being sentimental rather than monetary.

Why would you be surprised MIL didn’t want all her jewellery go to her DD? She left most of it to her and wanted to leave her DILs some, her choice.

Why should Op stay out of it when her MIL asked her to arrange the call? They obviously have a nice relationship and she wanted to do that for her

For the sanctimonious "I wouldnt take jewelry it should go to the daughter" brigade, and I say this from the heart - fuck off.

This woman has expressly made thoughtful decisions about what to do with HER property. We read on here all the time that inheritance is not a given, that you have no right to expect anything. How disrespectful of you to be questioning MILs wishes.

OP, you did everything you could to support your lovely MILs wishes. I would not enable any more of this weaponized helplessness either - SIL is a grown up, if she is old enough to have a kid, she is old enough to take some initiative.

What a thoughtful gift from your MIL. Of course you should have it. If I were SIL I’d be so grateful for your support to my mother and thankful she had more people who love her in her life.

I’m sorry your having such a difficult time

She didn't even need to take any initiative. She just had to follow a few clear instructions, or just ask her husband to do it for her.