Inheritance dilemma

[midlifesharp]

Some context- my SIL (early 40s) is the most useless woman. She doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, is a SAHM who doesn’t do housework or look after children. She doesn’t read books or watch films or have any kind of hobby or inner life. Fortunately for her she was born extremely beautiful and has had people looking after and supporting her her whole life. I actually don’t dislike her (I realise I sound like I do!) because she’s not usually unkind or cruel- she’s just boring, a bit self centred, helpless and unable to do anything for herself.

The problem- MIL is dying. She has 3 children- my DH, SIL and my lovely BIL. MIL lives abroad with her sister as the temperature helped her degenerative condition, but recently things have got worse and she’s going into hospice care. She’s moving out of her house and sorting out all her possessions before she goes. She has a lot of lovely jewellery and paintings and arty things that she’s collected over the years and wanted to arrange everything before she goes into hospice so we’re not having to deal with the house and possessions as well as her dying when we fly out.

She asked me to set up a family call so they could discuss and agree in advance who gets what so she can have things boxed and parcelled up as appropriate. I set up a zoom call and sent the details to everyone. I even messaged SIL separately to check that she had the details and crucially knew how to join the call (either download the app or join in her browser.) Then, after worrying about it some more I sent her the link to the app in the App Store, some clear instructions and suggested she practice beforehand.

Obviously at the time of the call she wasn’t able to get it to work having not done anything before hand. My 80+ MIL and her sister managed just fine but apparently it was beyond SIL. MIL was extremely disappointed and just texted her that we’d go ahead without her and hope that she was able to join. She eventually got her 10 year old son to sort it and joined 35 mins late. She was utterly furious to find out that we’d started without her and that the jewellery had already been discussed. Just to be clear- she got most of the jewellery. MIL still gave her many items that she knew she liked but there were a couple of pieces that MIL gave to me and to BIL’s wife. SIL’s not totally crass so didn’t say anything to her mum, but she did call me up afterwards to say she was shocked that she wasn’t getting all the jewellery as the only daughter, that it wasn’t fair because she wasn’t on the call, and that she expected me and BILs wife to give her the pieces MIL had said were for us.

DH told her to do one (in a more polite way). It turned into a big row and he suggested that she call up mum if she didn’t like it. He also pointed out that she was the only child not to have visited MIL in FOUR years, despite having the most financial resources, support at home and free time. Both myself and BILs wife have visited 1-2 times a year as MIL is lovely and the grandchildren love her and I’m happy to have something to remember her by.

Was I unreasonable to set up the call the way I did? If I’m honest, deep down I knew she’d somehow not be able to manage it. I could have looked into other options. Also AIBU not to give her the items MIL gave me, bearing in mind if she’d managed to join the zoom call I’d be unlikely to have them?

(We’re talking about total value of jewellery gifts to me and BILs wife of around £5k, remaining £50k plus to SIL. Total remaining estate about £500k split evenly 3 ways.)

Finally, before people come on and say how awful everyone sounds, I’ve not touched upon how devastated everyone is and how sad and how miserable this all is. This is simply a post asking for feedback on one aspect.

I’m surprised MIL didn’t want all her jewellery to go to her only DD.

It's not unusual for people to be close to their sons and daughters in law and want to leave them something too. SIL has close to all of it.

But none of that is relevant. This is what MIL wants to do with her possessions. That's all that matters.

I couldn’t disagree more I think OP has been measured re SIL and kind to the MIL.

I think your primary duty is to your MIL, and to follow her wishes. In matters such as these it really doesn’t matter that SIL hasn’t been to visit her and you have. You didn’t even know MIL existed when SIL was a baby and toddler and small child and teenager (I’m assuming): SIL has only one mum, MIL has only one daughter. You’re not more precious to MIL for your visits. All that matters is what your MIL wants to happen with her estate - that’s it. Doesn’t even matter what the monetary value of the various bequeaths is. It’s your MIL’s stuff; she decides.

And that’s what I’d be telling your SIL when she inevitably brings this up each and every time she sees you in the years after your MIL’s passing. “I’m respecting your mum’s wishes. She wanted me to have this to remember her by, and I’m touched and will cherish it.”

If you have no DDs and SIL does, tell her you’ll leave it to her DD in your will, if you so like.

She has cleaners and a mothers help (20 hours a week) who picks up and drops off the kids (SIL doesn’t drive) and cooks and does laundry etc

I think you know you did. My mid 30’s DS sounds like your SIL, turns out he’s been masking chronic depression, anxiety, ADHD and autism.

I had to prompt my DM to leave something to her DILs! She wanted it all to go to me!

Well only you know the answer to that. Perhaps you did, but she had plenty of time to ask her husband to sort it out if she didn't want to.

And what better option was there? The only easier alternative I can think of is a WhatsApp group call but I'm assuming MIL would have been holding items up for you all to see so you want a good view, and four faces squished into a phone screen is rubbish. We'd all prefer to use computers for something like this. Did SIL never use Zoom during the pandemic to speak to anyone at all?

She has a wife. I need a wife 😁

Is that you SIL? SIL sounds AWFUL. £50k in jewellery and she begrudges her brothers wives getting a few pieces worth £5k in total? SIL wants ALL of the jewellery? What if DH and BIL have DDs? Considering the estate is otherwise split 3 ways it is unbelievably crass of SIL to demand every single piece.

I agree that your sil sounds awful and that ordinarily your mother in law's wishes should be respected re the jewellery.

However, if the items have no reply sentimental value to you or your husband, and bearing in mind you are dividing the rest of her estate three ways with bo quibbling, I'd be tempted to take the high ground, say the jewellery isnt important to me, she's welcome to it.

Then look forward to seeing her for the last time at the funeral.

YANBU. There’s no reason why your SiL should automatically get all the jewellery. You haven’t said whether or not you or your BiL have daughters, but if you do then I’m sure your MiL would like some of the jewellery to go to them eventually as well.

Bizarre. Did you read the same OP as the rest of us?

Really? I have a LOT of jewellery. Proper jewellery. One dd, two ds. Whilst a lot will be going to my dd whom I adore I absolutely will be giving my sons some serious pieces for their partners. If they divorce later so be it. It’s no different from any other money they end up with. I’m not screwing my ds over just because they were born male. If my dd complained (which she wouldn’t) I would tell her to wind her neck in and be grateful.

OP, you’re fine. It’s perfectly normal for MILs to give things to their DIL as well as daughters. I’d be shocked if my mum didn’t leave some of her jewellery to my SILs; they’ve all got children who’d like to have it. I have nothing that belonged to my paternal grandma because my dads sister was very incredibly controlling over dividing up possessions when my grandma passed. She’s always promised to give all the grandchildren something when they were old enough but everything has ‘disappeared’.

Honestly, the daughter/daughters normally should expect to get their mum’s jewellery actually. You have your own mother to inherit from. If MIL gave it freely fine, but I think SIL should have first refusal.

I do think the estate money given should reflect that the daughter got 50k in jewels though but I would be conservative about the value.
I would hesitate to value jewellery, it is worth what a solid buyer will pay for it not what it was bought for or what you see online. If it is gold, prices have really gone up and will probably continue to.

If it was all sons, then the jewellery goes to the granddaughters. That is what I have seen and how my family has/would work. That said, some minor bits that my daughter did not want could go to a DIL. It sounds like we are talking about fine jewels not tat. Dad gives his watch or valuables to his son not his son in law.

I would not upset MIL about it, she has enough to worry about but you should let SIL have the jewellery if she wants it.

I am not saying that the DIL shouldn’t get anything say for her wedding, she might get a gift. But this is an inheritance.

SIL sounds like a spoilt, entitled nightmare. Your MIL can decide to give HER possessions to whomever she chooses. The cheek of her to ring and demand you give it to her. Absolutely not. Team Op.

because maybe some MIL and DIL actually get along and care for each other. I don’t think it’s strange at all, especially if Op has done way more for her than SIL has. The fact that Op was asked to arrange the call proves that.

Did you read the same OP?!

Team OP here. ✊

I think Yanbu.
I had a difficult scenario with jewellery with my late DM. She died from a brain tumour 2 and a half years ago.
During the last few months, she was getting quite confused and started getting a real bee in her bonnet about her jewellery and who it was going to....she had gone through it and wanted me to see it all and discuss what was happening to it etc. I have a younger sister, and I thought it was best that she be present too, so I suggested waiting until we were both there.
Next thing I knew, my sister told me it had all been sorted out. I was a bit surprised, not least as I had already said to sister that we should both be there. My daughter got very upset and said that DM had promised her certain items. She still goes on about it now as she was very close to my mum and my mum was a great grandmother to both my kids.
I didn't bother getting into too much of a state about it, my sister is the only member of my family left, so I didn't want to fall out over it.
There's just something very personal about jewellery I think, in a way that's different to money.

The call and the planning and the organisation are very typical of MIL. She’s a very forceful successful woman who previously had a great and exciting career- where a lot of her pieces came from. She’s going on planning because it’s what she does. It’s an extraordinarily difficult call though, made harder by SIL

It’s pretty normal for mothers to gift jewellery to their son knowing they will give it to their wife/future wife/ daughter. In this case she just seems to have cut out the middle man and given it directly to her loved DIL.

Disagree. SIL sounds incompetent and beyond help. Plus she is not entitled to anything but whatever her mother wishes to give her.

SIL has sons. I have one of each, BIL has a daughter.

(I’m laughing bitterly at the thought of inheriting anything from my mum. Mil Is an amazing woman and has been a far better maternal role model for me than mine ever was.)

@midlifesharp @Tracklement No, you didnt set up sil to fail at all. she has just failed at building her own life to be self sufficient. incidentally, do you think*@Tracklement *might be sil's handle??? cant believe she would begrudge you and your bil's wife 10% of the jewellery especially when you have done so much and she has done zilch!

You did the right thing in all respects.

No need to worry.

Absolutely this

OP support your MIL and DH

Your sil sounds very like my mil - its fucking infuriating