Inheritance dilemma

[midlifesharp]

Some context- my SIL (early 40s) is the most useless woman. She doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, is a SAHM who doesn’t do housework or look after children. She doesn’t read books or watch films or have any kind of hobby or inner life. Fortunately for her she was born extremely beautiful and has had people looking after and supporting her her whole life. I actually don’t dislike her (I realise I sound like I do!) because she’s not usually unkind or cruel- she’s just boring, a bit self centred, helpless and unable to do anything for herself.

The problem- MIL is dying. She has 3 children- my DH, SIL and my lovely BIL. MIL lives abroad with her sister as the temperature helped her degenerative condition, but recently things have got worse and she’s going into hospice care. She’s moving out of her house and sorting out all her possessions before she goes. She has a lot of lovely jewellery and paintings and arty things that she’s collected over the years and wanted to arrange everything before she goes into hospice so we’re not having to deal with the house and possessions as well as her dying when we fly out.

She asked me to set up a family call so they could discuss and agree in advance who gets what so she can have things boxed and parcelled up as appropriate. I set up a zoom call and sent the details to everyone. I even messaged SIL separately to check that she had the details and crucially knew how to join the call (either download the app or join in her browser.) Then, after worrying about it some more I sent her the link to the app in the App Store, some clear instructions and suggested she practice beforehand.

Obviously at the time of the call she wasn’t able to get it to work having not done anything before hand. My 80+ MIL and her sister managed just fine but apparently it was beyond SIL. MIL was extremely disappointed and just texted her that we’d go ahead without her and hope that she was able to join. She eventually got her 10 year old son to sort it and joined 35 mins late. She was utterly furious to find out that we’d started without her and that the jewellery had already been discussed. Just to be clear- she got most of the jewellery. MIL still gave her many items that she knew she liked but there were a couple of pieces that MIL gave to me and to BIL’s wife. SIL’s not totally crass so didn’t say anything to her mum, but she did call me up afterwards to say she was shocked that she wasn’t getting all the jewellery as the only daughter, that it wasn’t fair because she wasn’t on the call, and that she expected me and BILs wife to give her the pieces MIL had said were for us.

DH told her to do one (in a more polite way). It turned into a big row and he suggested that she call up mum if she didn’t like it. He also pointed out that she was the only child not to have visited MIL in FOUR years, despite having the most financial resources, support at home and free time. Both myself and BILs wife have visited 1-2 times a year as MIL is lovely and the grandchildren love her and I’m happy to have something to remember her by.

Was I unreasonable to set up the call the way I did? If I’m honest, deep down I knew she’d somehow not be able to manage it. I could have looked into other options. Also AIBU not to give her the items MIL gave me, bearing in mind if she’d managed to join the zoom call I’d be unlikely to have them?

(We’re talking about total value of jewellery gifts to me and BILs wife of around £5k, remaining £50k plus to SIL. Total remaining estate about £500k split evenly 3 ways.)

Finally, before people come on and say how awful everyone sounds, I’ve not touched upon how devastated everyone is and how sad and how miserable this all is. This is simply a post asking for feedback on one aspect.

The mil wanted her there tout court.

So why didn't she? She was told this call was coming up. Why didn't she contact her mother in advance and say 'Actually, mum, could we do this in a different way?' But she didn't. She waited till the day, failed to connect via Zoom, kept her terminally ill mother and her other relatives waiting for over half an hour and finally joined the call, found out what her mother wanted and instead of telling her mother directly that she wasn't happy with it has gone behind her back and told her SIL that she wants her to hand over the gift MIL specifically wants SIL to have.

That is so lovely OP and you will treasure that piece.

Your brat of a SIL neds to grow up. How incredibly selfish of her to expect everything. She's clearly not bothered about what her own mother wants or needs given that she can't be bothered to visit

Your SIL should not dictate who her mother gives her jewellery to, she's selfish , you are close to your MIL and should keep and treasure the item she wants you to remember her by. You have done nothing wrong.

I think it is entirely normal to give family members a piece of jewellery as a memento.
But I've also heard about siblings fighting like jackals over their dying mum's wedding and engagement rings.
So I suspect that some people will always find a way to be offended when they don't get what they want

I'm beginning to think this story is made up -

She doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, is a SAHM who doesn’t do housework or look after children. She doesn’t read books or watch films or have any kind of hobby or inner life.

According to OP, she also has a childminder and cleaner. I think this story is a bit farfetched. I don't think this fantasy SIL exists.

Daughter hasn't seen mother in 4 years, yet has no reluctance to join in on a zoom call.

Also, can't imagine another sharing out 55,000 worth of goods via a zoom call from Spain.

And OP claims oversees her medical care yet she only flys out x2 a year to see her.

This story doesn't make sense.

Just want to add my support for the OP.
I ended up dealing with both parents & step parents estates & it was a bloody nightmare on my mothers & step fathers side as he had pretty much cut his whole family out due to their grabbing nature, but they still came after the little that was left after medical care.
Thankfully my father re married a woman with lovely children who I am proud to call step sisters.

Weaponised incompetence. You may not dislike her but she sounds dreadful and entitled. I wouldn’t give her the jewellery, why shouldn’t some go to the men in the family for their wives? I’m sorry about your MIL, you sound fond of her and it must be devastating. By the sounds of your SIL, she’d never find the jewellery even f you hid it in plain sight. Has it occurred to her that her bothers may want something to pass down to their children?

You know the rules, report or be quiet but din't troll hunt.

If you don't believe that OP is a genuine poster, report the thread, don't troll hunt and derail it.

'Criticising a dying woman isn't a great look. OP's MIL has every right to include her two DILs, who she is very close to, in the online call'

Tbf starting a thread about it isn't a good look either.

We see it on here all the time the lasting effects of wills, testaments and requests from the sadly dead or dying.

Surely the greatest gift you can leave behind is family unity and harmony. When I am dying that will be uppermost in my mind rather than getting inlaws to arrange facetime sessions to see who gets a brooch, ring, a vase or whatever.

If this is the situation currently I dread to think how things are going to deteriorate further when there is a funeral etc to organise.

Perhaps you missed this reply to you at 2246 on 27th August from the OP:

^We are all in different parts of the country. MIL is abroad. Doing this by enn email is impossible and she didn’t want her last time face to face with people to be doing admin. I love this about her- she looked at a problem and even at 80+ and unwell she thought of a solution to get everyone together and on the same page. The video call is the latest in a long history of her embracing new things.
It wasn’t just jewellery- art, photos - all the sentimental stuff were distributed to people who wanted it. It was actually very moving and we remembered the stories behind things. She made an offhand comment about why she needed 100 scarves and said they were in a donation bag. They’re now going to DD who wants to make a grandma quilt.^

It sounds very much as if everybody except the OP's SIL is in harmony, doesn't it? And yet you blame the OP rather than the dying woman's daughter, who hasn't gone to see her mother in four years. Odd.

'It sounds very much as if everybody except the OP's SIL is in harmony, doesn't it?'

It doesn't really, the list of criticisms regarding the daughter's personality for starters. Then the db told his own sister to 'do one'. It's all just so unnecessary and unpleasant. Totally identifying details to so we can only hope the dm and her dd don't come across it.

Belongings should be bequeathed by a will. When there are bad feelings leading up to a death everything becomes magnified. This family need to focus on relationships not jewellery.

"This family need to focus on relationships not jewellery'

Well, quite so. They seemed to be doing just that before the SIL decided she knew better.

Sounds like the first to think about relationships should be the SIL who hasn't bothered her arse to go see her mother in 4 years!! The very definition of entitled brat.

Says the op. Perhaps the dd was in frequent touch via phone etc? Perhaps she had reason not to visit. We hear so much about dysfunctional family realtionships, I'd bet a tenner there's a massive back story here.

One thing that is clear is the op cannot stand the dd and the whole dynamic with discussions over jewellery seems very odd and inappropriate imo.

Hi
You are totally in the right Here, the SIL sounds like a real pain, feels entitled to everything as her husband has given her everything.
Stick to your guns, don't give her anything!!
Good luck. As the expression goes, you can choose your friends but not your family!!! Xx

The only thing that would concern me is to get it all in writing as it’s a significant amount of money and whoever is executor will need to account for every penny in the event of a dispute, which sounds quite likely. Also maybe inheritance tax due if over a certain amount

Totally disagree. Why should she get things just because she is the daughter op should not have to give her the things. SIL sounds very entitled. MIL can leave her belongings to who ever she wants noone should expect an inheritance.

All the inheritance stuff aside, I am very sorry that you are about to lose a lovely MIL who you care so deeply about. I hope her passing is as peaceful and comfortable as possible.

My MIL was also a gem. She had three sons, and left a single piece of her jewellery to each of her daughters-in-law, and the rest to her only granddaughter. She loved her DILs and wanted to give them something to remember her by.

If I were SiL I would instruct a contentious probate lawyer. I expect you choose the best pieces of jewellery. I expect DiL doesn’t like you much either. You sound very pushy and very jealous of your SiL. Your MiLs estate and who gets what has nothing to do with you.

MIL isn’t dead! She has capacity and has selected particular gifts for loved ones. Your contentious probate lawyer would send you home.

MIL sounds very on the ball. She won't have picked an executor who will be bullied into going against her wishes. As for the idea that the OP is jealous of her SIL, once again I wonder if we are all reading the same thread. Why should she be jealous of someone living a life as lacking in interest and challenge as SIL's?

Agree with this, she is essentially giving it to her grandchildren via you, and that’s a bit fairer than SIL getting everything.

I quite agree that it isn’t ‘specifically’ what the MIL wanted in the detail of OP sending the emails or texts to set the call. I also think OP did what she felt was right and best. It doesn’t alter the fact that families are difficult to navigate, especially in these issues. If I was OP I would have supported my DH to set up the call, and for him to communicate about it, not me. MIL gets her call and wishes and OP would not become the focal point for SIL. I do believe children should arrange these things for their parents and not spouses.

MIL would also know I support from behind the scenes. In my case, my MIL would know I do the admin anyway. That would be my choice of how to play it. I also think MIL should be able to give to whom she pleases.