Inheritance dilemma

[midlifesharp]

Some context- my SIL (early 40s) is the most useless woman. She doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, is a SAHM who doesn’t do housework or look after children. She doesn’t read books or watch films or have any kind of hobby or inner life. Fortunately for her she was born extremely beautiful and has had people looking after and supporting her her whole life. I actually don’t dislike her (I realise I sound like I do!) because she’s not usually unkind or cruel- she’s just boring, a bit self centred, helpless and unable to do anything for herself.

The problem- MIL is dying. She has 3 children- my DH, SIL and my lovely BIL. MIL lives abroad with her sister as the temperature helped her degenerative condition, but recently things have got worse and she’s going into hospice care. She’s moving out of her house and sorting out all her possessions before she goes. She has a lot of lovely jewellery and paintings and arty things that she’s collected over the years and wanted to arrange everything before she goes into hospice so we’re not having to deal with the house and possessions as well as her dying when we fly out.

She asked me to set up a family call so they could discuss and agree in advance who gets what so she can have things boxed and parcelled up as appropriate. I set up a zoom call and sent the details to everyone. I even messaged SIL separately to check that she had the details and crucially knew how to join the call (either download the app or join in her browser.) Then, after worrying about it some more I sent her the link to the app in the App Store, some clear instructions and suggested she practice beforehand.

Obviously at the time of the call she wasn’t able to get it to work having not done anything before hand. My 80+ MIL and her sister managed just fine but apparently it was beyond SIL. MIL was extremely disappointed and just texted her that we’d go ahead without her and hope that she was able to join. She eventually got her 10 year old son to sort it and joined 35 mins late. She was utterly furious to find out that we’d started without her and that the jewellery had already been discussed. Just to be clear- she got most of the jewellery. MIL still gave her many items that she knew she liked but there were a couple of pieces that MIL gave to me and to BIL’s wife. SIL’s not totally crass so didn’t say anything to her mum, but she did call me up afterwards to say she was shocked that she wasn’t getting all the jewellery as the only daughter, that it wasn’t fair because she wasn’t on the call, and that she expected me and BILs wife to give her the pieces MIL had said were for us.

DH told her to do one (in a more polite way). It turned into a big row and he suggested that she call up mum if she didn’t like it. He also pointed out that she was the only child not to have visited MIL in FOUR years, despite having the most financial resources, support at home and free time. Both myself and BILs wife have visited 1-2 times a year as MIL is lovely and the grandchildren love her and I’m happy to have something to remember her by.

Was I unreasonable to set up the call the way I did? If I’m honest, deep down I knew she’d somehow not be able to manage it. I could have looked into other options. Also AIBU not to give her the items MIL gave me, bearing in mind if she’d managed to join the zoom call I’d be unlikely to have them?

(We’re talking about total value of jewellery gifts to me and BILs wife of around £5k, remaining £50k plus to SIL. Total remaining estate about £500k split evenly 3 ways.)

Finally, before people come on and say how awful everyone sounds, I’ve not touched upon how devastated everyone is and how sad and how miserable this all is. This is simply a post asking for feedback on one aspect.

But it's ok for op to help organise medical appointments and care issues but not her actual daughter.
Give over you're embarrassing yourself with your protestations.

I wouldn't actually.
Some things have no monetary value but have great sentimental value.
Why is the OP working out where MIL's money goes... it's absolutely none of her business.
As I've said before, leave it to the siblings and their mum to sort out.

MIL doesnt come out looking well in this. Extremely passive. Perhaps that's why relationship with daughter not great. We don't know the full story.

I'm sorry but it seems as though Op has hijacked this weakness and fractured relationship, and enjoyed muscling in on position of the real daughter. It seems as though she secretly enjoyed taking this jewellery...that's a bit sadistic. And by suggesting that she offers in back to daughter in a trade off for cash is disgusting. Jewellery is sentimental. Thats why the daughter was upset. She felt betrayed you all went ahead without her. It all feels like a power move behind the gushing praise you give MIL.

Well I just find it tacky particularly as an actual dd missed most of it. If my dm was terminally ill and asked one of the inlaws to take charge of a family call to discuss my belongings I'd be very disappointed.

Perhaps thats is why the dd hasn't seen her much if there's form for it.

The call should have been dm, the sons and the dd. Yes fine bequeath to inlaws too but do it via actual immediate relatives.

You would do those things because you want to.
Not with the expectation of an inheritance.

And the OP saying she could sell back the jewellery to SIL... that doesn't look great does it?

The MIL chose the pieces.
The MIL has decided where her money and possessions will go.
The MIL has decided who she wants to help her.

You either respect the woman's choices or you dont.
If you dont then you take it up with her.

Personally I wouldnt think to tell a dying woman who she should leave a minor part of her estate to.

But she didn't ask her to take charge she asked her to organise it because op has been helping to organise her medical care so she trusts her to do the right thing unlike her dd who can't even get her arse in gear to visit her terminally ill mother. Her dd was supposed to be on the call and fucked it up because she sounds like she was waiting for someone else to sort it for her.
Unlike mn, in real life some in-laws get on and love each other. Which is obviously the case here.

Not for the first time I find myself wondering if a poster is reading the same thread as I am. MIL sounds anything but passive. Of course we don't know the full story, but as I have a vivid imagination, what I'm wondering about is the following scenario.

MIL is an intelligent, highly successful woman who achieves a great deal by dint of working hard and being very good at whatever she did. She has three children. Her two sons have made successful marriages to women in the same mould as MIL. Her daughter, however, has, in the modern idiom, failed to launch. She has never had a proper career and has sought refuge in a marriage to a successful man who can give her a very comfortable life and save her from having to do most of the things that the rest of us have no choice but to cope with. This could be attributed to laziness but it could equally be that she is a deeply anxious person who has always struggled with the demands of life. The fact that she has never learned to drive even though she comes from a well-heeled family and lives in the country is suggestive in this respect. She must be missing out on a lot by not having that independence. This may be why she doesn't feel able to travel to see her mother. If her husband is not available to travel with her, she may find the idea of solo travel absolutely overwhelming.

If there is any truth in this imagining of mine, daughter is probably very conscious of how different she is from MIL and her brothers' wives. She perhaps feels very inadequate. It may sting that her mother is so obviously fond of and close to the two DIL. Over and over again we see when people post about inheritance woes on MN that the actual inheritance is a proxy for angst about the relationship. It may be the case here.

I agree, it's totally up to MIL where her jewellery or whatever ends up, absolutely.

It's tasteless to discuss the monetary value though I think.

Just tread carefully OP, and be respectful of boundaries with the siblings that's all.

You don't want anything to come back to bite you at a later date.

It was the Mil who said to go ahead and TOLD HER DAUGHTER that the call was going ahead.

so aqssuming any of the imagining is true, what should the Mil have done then?

Exactly what she's done. We have no way of knowing what the relationship is betwen MIL and her daughter. They haven't met in person for four years but perhaps they're in touch over the phone and/or social media, if SIL has worked out how to WhatsApp and/or use Facebook or similar.

I'm struck by how often the minority of posters who are TeamSIL mention that nothing should have been decided until SIL joined the call. The call was set up at a time that was convenient for MIL and her sister, her two sons and their wives and the daughter (and presumably her husband if he had happened to be free at the time, which presumably he wasn't, as he is not mentioned as participating in the call). A delay of 35 minutes is quite a substantial delay. It could easily mean that one of the other people involved would have to leave the call early if they'd waited until SIL finally joined the call. As someone else said, MIL is terminally ill and may have picked a time of day when she knew she was likely to be reasonably OK, but as time wore on she may have felt tired or unwell. Whatever else we think about SIL, her lateness on the call was inconsiderate and inconvenient, and she would have done well to apologise to everyone else.

This is that most shocking post you have ever read on Mumsnet? Either you are very selective in which posts you read or you are being disingenuous. There have been many posts on Mumsnet from women who have been victims of physical violence and sexual assault, often committed by their husbands/partners, but you think that a rich woman who only received 90% of the jewellery worth £50,000 from her dying mother that she hasn't even visited in the past four years is more deserving of your pity and sympathy?

my SIL (early 40s) is the most useless woman. She doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, is a SAHM who doesn’t do housework or look after children. She doesn’t read books or watch films or have any kind of hobby or inner life.

This isn’t about an inheritance. This is about the OP despising everything, absolutely everything, about this woman.

and how the f**k do you know she has no “inner life” Op?

It's actually nothing to do with how OP feels about her SIL.

It's about a woman getting her affairs in order and making her own decisions about what she wants to be done with her belongings. This is what she wants. If her daughter has an objection, she should raise it with her mother. That's all.

Separate to your SIL (who sounds incredibly draining and YANBU), having something in writing about dividing up possessions is a good idea if it causes conflict. I'm assuming your MIL already has her will sorted considering the circumstances, but this could be less legal and more just a written record of where she wants her personal possessions to go.

There's still the potential for someone to feel let down or short changed, but at least it will have been confirmed in writing and respect your MIL's wishes.

My grandma is in her late 80s and a bit obsessed with making sure all these things are organised. It's quite morbid but at least it removes any doubt. I speak as someone who's dealt with some really horrible inheritance drama - people can be really unpleasant if there's any room to quibble or argue.

In the gentlest way, there's no way your sentimental value trumps sils.

Yes, mil can and should do what she wants and in terms of handling you can redirect to mil, but I'd give her the jewellery or tell mil you aren't comfortable accepting.

why?

If that were true or law then the trans situation could be a problem!!

in the gentlest way, there is no way the daughter's views trumps her dying mother's wishes.

The MIL specifically chose an item that she saw as a link to her DIL. It is not for the daughter to override that.

Because I know how I'd feel if my mums jewellery was given away. I'd rather have nothing financial from the estate and have the cheap jewellery than anything else. Jewellery is so personal. Even now I get my nans old costume jewellery out to look at because its just different.

Also, as I wouldn't expect inheritance from my MIL, if I got any l, especially a physical item, and her bio children wanted it, I'd hand it straight over. I would no longer be comfortable or feel good having it.

Her mother might have felt different if she'd had a chance at the time to hear her own daughter out.

Yes, mil can and should do what she wants and in terms of handling you can redirect to mil, but I'd give her the jewellery or tell mil you aren't comfortable accepting

if you honestly believe the first part of your sentence and aren’t just paying lip service to it, the second part does not follow logically.

Well then the daughter can speak to her mother direct.
No need to try to bully anyone else.