Inheritance dilemma

[midlifesharp]

Some context- my SIL (early 40s) is the most useless woman. She doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, is a SAHM who doesn’t do housework or look after children. She doesn’t read books or watch films or have any kind of hobby or inner life. Fortunately for her she was born extremely beautiful and has had people looking after and supporting her her whole life. I actually don’t dislike her (I realise I sound like I do!) because she’s not usually unkind or cruel- she’s just boring, a bit self centred, helpless and unable to do anything for herself.

The problem- MIL is dying. She has 3 children- my DH, SIL and my lovely BIL. MIL lives abroad with her sister as the temperature helped her degenerative condition, but recently things have got worse and she’s going into hospice care. She’s moving out of her house and sorting out all her possessions before she goes. She has a lot of lovely jewellery and paintings and arty things that she’s collected over the years and wanted to arrange everything before she goes into hospice so we’re not having to deal with the house and possessions as well as her dying when we fly out.

She asked me to set up a family call so they could discuss and agree in advance who gets what so she can have things boxed and parcelled up as appropriate. I set up a zoom call and sent the details to everyone. I even messaged SIL separately to check that she had the details and crucially knew how to join the call (either download the app or join in her browser.) Then, after worrying about it some more I sent her the link to the app in the App Store, some clear instructions and suggested she practice beforehand.

Obviously at the time of the call she wasn’t able to get it to work having not done anything before hand. My 80+ MIL and her sister managed just fine but apparently it was beyond SIL. MIL was extremely disappointed and just texted her that we’d go ahead without her and hope that she was able to join. She eventually got her 10 year old son to sort it and joined 35 mins late. She was utterly furious to find out that we’d started without her and that the jewellery had already been discussed. Just to be clear- she got most of the jewellery. MIL still gave her many items that she knew she liked but there were a couple of pieces that MIL gave to me and to BIL’s wife. SIL’s not totally crass so didn’t say anything to her mum, but she did call me up afterwards to say she was shocked that she wasn’t getting all the jewellery as the only daughter, that it wasn’t fair because she wasn’t on the call, and that she expected me and BILs wife to give her the pieces MIL had said were for us.

DH told her to do one (in a more polite way). It turned into a big row and he suggested that she call up mum if she didn’t like it. He also pointed out that she was the only child not to have visited MIL in FOUR years, despite having the most financial resources, support at home and free time. Both myself and BILs wife have visited 1-2 times a year as MIL is lovely and the grandchildren love her and I’m happy to have something to remember her by.

Was I unreasonable to set up the call the way I did? If I’m honest, deep down I knew she’d somehow not be able to manage it. I could have looked into other options. Also AIBU not to give her the items MIL gave me, bearing in mind if she’d managed to join the zoom call I’d be unlikely to have them?

(We’re talking about total value of jewellery gifts to me and BILs wife of around £5k, remaining £50k plus to SIL. Total remaining estate about £500k split evenly 3 ways.)

Finally, before people come on and say how awful everyone sounds, I’ve not touched upon how devastated everyone is and how sad and how miserable this all is. This is simply a post asking for feedback on one aspect.

The dead aren't here to feel the impact. Mil may feel differently if she knows the fallout when she's gone of siblings no longer talking. Most parents care a lot about the sibling relationship.

MIL is alive and has capacity.
She is making choices whilst she can.

Essentially this about disrespecting an older woman's decisions.

Because I know how I'd feel if my mums jewellery was given away.

What if it was your mum herself who gave it away? In her will, to someone she loved? And you still got 90% of it? And it will most likely go on to her grandchildren that way?

If the problem is that it would make you feel unloved, emotionally blackmailing your SIL into giving it to you won't solve the issue. You'll still know it wasn't what your mother wanted. So what's the point?

Why would there be a fallout? Why should MIL be coerced over her own belongings by a daughter threatening to cause a rift if she gets only 90% of a £55k jewellery collection?

As a mother, what would deive you to make a decision thst you know is hurting your bio child?

It is about having a facetime call to divide up possessions which is not what usually happens in these sad circumstances.

If that was the best way that the terminallly ill person thought it could be done then it should have been immediate family only, not inlaws and as a dd hadn't been able to join the call it should have been postponed anyway.

This is totally up to the mother in law. Why would anyone have any issues of giving pieces to her daughters in law, the women her sons have chosen to join her family and she has a good relationship with? It doesn't sound like much in the great scheme of things anyway.

My late mother in law gave me pieces of jewellery (and other daughter in laws). Also she left rings to her grandsons. Her thinking was they would have to provide engagement rings for their future wives, whilst her granddaughters would have rings given to them. She wanted to help her grandsons out financially. The granddaughters received jewellery from her during her life and after she died, but not the rings.

Well emotional blackmail like this might perhaps coerce me into not doing what I actually want, but that doesn't make it right. If you don't care about the value of the jewellery and would be happy with costume jewellery as long as it showed love, why would it comfort you to know you've only got the lot because you were manipulative?

This reminds me a bit of when my nan died. I lived with her for several years and only moved out when it became apparent she needed to go into sheltered accommodation. On the very morning she died, after the hospital had called me at 5am to tell me I needed to go there, my aunt and uncle were sat in the waiting room. They hadn't seen her in over 10 years and yet, when we were asked what we wanted to do with my nan's jewellery, my aunt (her daughter-in-law by the way) instantly piped up that my nan had said she wanted her to have it all. It wasn't even very expensive, but, I know for a fact that this isn't what she wanted at all.
At the same time as my aunt was saying that, I was saying to the nurse that nan wanted to be buried in it. It broke my heart because she had one beautiful little ring (not even expensive, just decorated with garnets) that she used to lend me when I went out as a teenager. She'd tried to give it to me a couple of weeks before she died and it just felt to emotional because we both knew she probably didn't have long left, so I said no, let's do it another time. So, obviously I couldn't pipe up that I wanted it because I was only 21 at the time and my uncle and aunt were supposed to be the proper adults. The adults who couldn't even be bothered to see her when she was alive. I still think my aunt managed to get that jewellery, I don't believe she was buried in it. I couldn't bare to go and see her at the funeral home, it was bad enough seeing her in the hospital bed. To this date, she's the only dead person I've ever seen, it was horrible.
The point I'm trying to make is that families are weird about jewellery and stuff when people die - the nice part of me wants to think your SIL is acting up because she's sad about what's happening, but the realistic side of me thinks your SIL is just being an obstructive cow who thinks the world owes her everything just because she's The Chosen One!
Don't let her take the piece of jewellery that your MIL wants to leave you - you have your own close relationship with her, she wouldn't want you not to have it. She's chosen to give you a piece that reminds her, and you, of the first time you met. Sometimes family doesn't necessarily mean blood ties.

She said, manipulatively.

You've deliberately framed that question, haven't you?

If MIL didn't care, she would have just done a will as a directive, not started a (faux) conversation to get peoples thoughts. Unless, MIL, too is manipulative and wanted some drama.

Basically, you won't know how you will feel until you're on that situation yourself. I doubt sil did and its come as a shock. it's a shame you can't expand yourself to consider the emotional impact of certain decisions instead of dealing in cold hard facts.

I am so sentimental about my mother's posessions.

And also

I am not so sentimental as to respect my mother's choices.

It wasnt a conversation. MIL was telling her loved ones the decisions she had made as close to face to face as she could manage. People were invited to listen. Not to carve up property that wasnt theirs.

But the hatred and disrespect this op has for the SIL literally drips like poison from the Op.

How the heck are we meant to take the OP’s version of this event as remotely being accurate

Yes her thoughts on the sil are so judgemental and very unpleasant that it does make you wonder what is the other side of this story.

Agreed

I mean, that comment is just so so horrible

and to actually say the woman has no “inner life”. What the fuck.

I go used if I had helped take care of some one when their own daughter couldn’t be bothered then I suspect I would have a strong dislike of the daughter

What is unpleasant is telling your dying mother that she hasn't given you enough of her possessions to keep you happy.
What the fuck indeed.

My point is, given the poisonous way the op describes her SIL… I doubt the veracity of this version

And now your manipulation extends to calling people manipulative, while continuing the emotional blackmail! Do remember that this isn't my will, yeah?

You've deliberately framed that question, haven't you?

Not at all, what the hell. It's an honest response to your framing. You gauge how much your mother loves you by how much of her jewellery she leaves you, and if she chooses to give a small fraction to someone else, you conclude that she doesn't love you enough. That's your framing, not mine.

But if you are telling the truth when you say you don't care about the value and only about how much love it shows, the very obvious and honest next question is: so why start doing an emotive, manipulative "as a mother why do you hurt me" and "I will cause a fallout after you die" schtick? Framing it as how much your mother loves you rather than a respect for her wishes and the role her DIL also played in her life? You've still got over 90% of it, ffs.

If she gives you more after that, it's not a sign of more love, it's a sign that you emotionally manipulated her into it, because she already showed what she truly wanted to do. So if all you care about is love and sentiment, why would that comfort you?

Either way, if I was the DIL and it was left to me, I'd give it to SIL. It might be MILs choice who to leave it to but once she's passed it on to DIL, it's no longer hers and as DIL I'd get no pleasure from an item with so much bad blood.

I've heard a number of solicitors dealing with inheritance dramas say that everyone always says it's not about the money, but it always is.

And that seems obvious. If you really, truly judge how much someone loved you by what they left you, then you just have to accept that that's how much they loved you. If it was less than you expected, then that's a shame. But fighting for more won't change that love amount because that'll always be what they chose to leave you. The only thing you stand to gain is more money. You can't change how much love they felt for you when they allotted your share.

and if the daughter had turned up on the zoom call (or EVER visited) she could have done.

I would want to honour my MiL's decisions.

There's no need for bad blood, though. Not unless the daughter starts trying to make everyone feel horrible about it. And even if she succeeds in coercing her mother and SIL into letting her have everything, there'll still be bad blood because she was manipulative and this wasn't what her mother wanted. Unless bad blood only matters until the daughter has everything?

@ThatCyanCat when you fight for an OP (who appears to have wandered off) you really do dedicate yourself to the campaign, don’t you?!

Except that the MIL CHOSE who she wanted to be there and it was HER decision to carry on without her daughter. There was no "dividing up" the Mil told people what her decisions were.