Inheritance dilemma

[midlifesharp]

Some context- my SIL (early 40s) is the most useless woman. She doesn’t work, doesn’t drive, is a SAHM who doesn’t do housework or look after children. She doesn’t read books or watch films or have any kind of hobby or inner life. Fortunately for her she was born extremely beautiful and has had people looking after and supporting her her whole life. I actually don’t dislike her (I realise I sound like I do!) because she’s not usually unkind or cruel- she’s just boring, a bit self centred, helpless and unable to do anything for herself.

The problem- MIL is dying. She has 3 children- my DH, SIL and my lovely BIL. MIL lives abroad with her sister as the temperature helped her degenerative condition, but recently things have got worse and she’s going into hospice care. She’s moving out of her house and sorting out all her possessions before she goes. She has a lot of lovely jewellery and paintings and arty things that she’s collected over the years and wanted to arrange everything before she goes into hospice so we’re not having to deal with the house and possessions as well as her dying when we fly out.

She asked me to set up a family call so they could discuss and agree in advance who gets what so she can have things boxed and parcelled up as appropriate. I set up a zoom call and sent the details to everyone. I even messaged SIL separately to check that she had the details and crucially knew how to join the call (either download the app or join in her browser.) Then, after worrying about it some more I sent her the link to the app in the App Store, some clear instructions and suggested she practice beforehand.

Obviously at the time of the call she wasn’t able to get it to work having not done anything before hand. My 80+ MIL and her sister managed just fine but apparently it was beyond SIL. MIL was extremely disappointed and just texted her that we’d go ahead without her and hope that she was able to join. She eventually got her 10 year old son to sort it and joined 35 mins late. She was utterly furious to find out that we’d started without her and that the jewellery had already been discussed. Just to be clear- she got most of the jewellery. MIL still gave her many items that she knew she liked but there were a couple of pieces that MIL gave to me and to BIL’s wife. SIL’s not totally crass so didn’t say anything to her mum, but she did call me up afterwards to say she was shocked that she wasn’t getting all the jewellery as the only daughter, that it wasn’t fair because she wasn’t on the call, and that she expected me and BILs wife to give her the pieces MIL had said were for us.

DH told her to do one (in a more polite way). It turned into a big row and he suggested that she call up mum if she didn’t like it. He also pointed out that she was the only child not to have visited MIL in FOUR years, despite having the most financial resources, support at home and free time. Both myself and BILs wife have visited 1-2 times a year as MIL is lovely and the grandchildren love her and I’m happy to have something to remember her by.

Was I unreasonable to set up the call the way I did? If I’m honest, deep down I knew she’d somehow not be able to manage it. I could have looked into other options. Also AIBU not to give her the items MIL gave me, bearing in mind if she’d managed to join the zoom call I’d be unlikely to have them?

(We’re talking about total value of jewellery gifts to me and BILs wife of around £5k, remaining £50k plus to SIL. Total remaining estate about £500k split evenly 3 ways.)

Finally, before people come on and say how awful everyone sounds, I’ve not touched upon how devastated everyone is and how sad and how miserable this all is. This is simply a post asking for feedback on one aspect.

I also have got jewellery that belonged to my Mil There were no family issues about my having it but I have no kids and when the jewellery was given, it was clear to Mil that there would be none. I just have no idea where people are getting this "jewellery going down the female line" bollocks from. This is the 21st century for goodness sake.

If the daughter only has a son then was she planning on giving it to her nieces when she dies? I doubt it. There is no particular reason why daughters should get all the jewellery. My engagement ring belonged to my husband's grandmother. She gave it to my husband because she met me before she died and hoped he might like to propose with it. She left other jewellery to other relatives (both male and female).

Of course it's up to MIL who she gives her jewellery to, and if she wants to do it via a zoom call.
But priority should be given to the siblings.
I wouldn't have attended that zoom call, it's between a mum and her children.

Even though MIL asked OP to organise and attend the call and also invited her other DIL?

Even though MIL asked OP to organise and attend the call and also invited her other DIL?

The Op was asked to set up the call and attend.

Presumably because the MIL a) trusted the Op and b) wanted to tell her that she was giving her something.

The MIL has actually made real attempts to be transparent and do this as close to face to face as possible (given at least one of her children hasn't visited for 4 years).

Short of going there and holding her hand what else could op do? It was mil who decided to go ahead with the call until sil caught up.
I actually think sil is fucking disgraceful, her mother is dying and she is just whinging about what she's getting. She was advised to set up a call earlier so she knew what to do. She had a 10 year old there who did it for her why wait until the time of the call. The onus was on sil to join, her mother obviously just wanted to get organised.

I don't think I would've, no.

It's one of those moments that needs the actual children to organise and attend.

Care needs to be taken not to overstep, it's all part of the grieving process for the siblings.

We are not just mothers, we are women with our own thoughts and relationships beyond our immediate family. If we choose to celebrate those relationships with selected small (given the overall estate) gifts then I sincerely hope my children would respect my choices.

Plenty of people come to treat their adult children's spouses as an equal part of the family - when a firm bond of mutual love and care has developed over a long time.

It isn't the default to only ever want to discuss things with your actual children and tell their spouses to go into another room and have no knowledge or part of it.

Maybe she should have only asked one of her actual blood children to deal with it all for her? How about her DD? Or maybe she decided to ask somebody with the equivalent family status instead who would have the ability and respect for her and be bothered to actually help her and do it?

We all know the people who will never, ever make the effort to lift a finger to do anything - but will then complain that "I was just going to do that" when somebody else actually makes the effort and does it.

It is unfair for a pp suggest the op has been more of a daughter. She sounds like she has been a perfectly nice dil but that is not a daughter none of us know the true dynamics of the dm/dd relationship.

It is of course up to the mil but what an utterly inappropriate way of bequeathing items via facetime giving relatives the opportunity to vie for items. Just no. Write a will!

There was no vying.
The MIL made her own choices.

If there are granddaughters from her sons, why wouldn't she want some of her things to pass on through those lines as well? Most to her daughter (as she has done) and a small amount to DILs to go to GDs. But that value should then be deducted from her daughters share of the rest of the estate to be fair to her sons.

Aah SIL's turned up! So she has some technology knowledge then

Honestly I don’t get all the fuss. You have a daughter and your MIL gifted jewellery to you knowing it will end up going to your daughter. Your daughter and your BIL daughter would have seen their grandmother wearing this jewellery so it will hold a special memory for them. Unlike your SIL and her sons - whose future wives will not know or have any memory of the grandmother whose jewellery they inherit. I would argue that some of the pieces given to your SIL should have been gifted to the granddaughters directly. Your SIL son’s future wives/ex wives could sell the jewellery in the future as they have no emotional connection to it since they will not know the person who wore it/owned it. The female mitochondria line has ended because your SIL hasn’t had daughters so all this argument for ‘it stays in the female line’ is completely incorrect. By gifting the jewellery to the granddaughters you’re doing the next best thing.

So your SIL is getting 10x the value of jewelry already? Why?
she sounds selfish and manipulative.
And she hasn’t bothered visiting either.
learned helplessness maybe.

Alternatively, MIL thought she would like to talk to the whole family and explain that she wanted to leave one or two special items to each of her daughters-in-law and what she hoped was that the entire family would be part of the discussion where it was agreed what each would be given. It sounds to me as if she already knew what she wanted to give each DIL and just needed their confirmation that they would be happy to have the item. She wanted everything open and above board.

However, because of her own daughter's incompetence/disorganisation/laziness/mental health struggles (whichever applies), in the end she was not part of the discussion and is now aggrieved because she wanted everything. Weird grabby behaviour in my view, but of course nobody on this thread except the OP knows what the family dynamics are. The fact that daughter has not gone to see her mother for four years but her brothers and their wives have is suggestive, though.

I don't come from a family with significant amounts of jewellery passing down the generations, so it's news to me that there are rules about this, as so many posters are confidently stating (in spite of many others saying their families don't do these things).

Where do you get that she made it like a raffle for everybody who turned up to be in with a chance if winning?!

Surely she had already decided and wanted them all together, so she could explain her reasoning to them all: "I'd like Sarah to have X, because...; then I want Y to go to John, because..."

Also, why on earth shouldn't she have the pleasure of seeing the reactions of her loved ones when she told them that she wanted to pass something special and meaningful to them? She's good enough to give them all of her treasures, but not to actually enjoy the giving process whilst she is still able to?

Wills and bequests cause so much family upset when people do or don't get what they were/weren't expecting - with no way of knowing why that decision was made.

A very wise woman deliberately avoids all of this and makes herself available to discuss and explain her decisions with them whilst she is still alive... but one of them, who can't actually be bothered to attend, still cavils at her decision and thinks she knows better whom somebody else should give their own stuff to. And she is criticised for not just shutting up and getting on with dying.

No worries, this is from the very first post on this thread:
"Was I unreasonable to set up the call the way I did? If I’m honest, deep down I knew she’d somehow not be able to manage it. I could have looked into other options. Also AIBU not to give her the items MIL gave me, bearing in mind if she’d managed to join the zoom call I’d be unlikely to have them?
(We’re talking about total value of jewellery gifts to me and BILs wife of around £5k, remaining £50k plus to SIL. Total remaining estate about £500k split evenly 3 ways.)"

Very few things I've read on MN have shocked me as much as this.
It's actually reassuring to know that the reason people are responding differently is because they've missed these details.

SIL did join the call, even if she was late. So she could have sorted it out sooner. Had she joined sooner MIL might still have wished to gift you a piece of jewellery.

One item to each dil sounds perfectly reasonable to me, if it's multiple items maybe just keep one. If it's one keep it - tell SIL she can buy it back from you if she is really keen but that it has sentimental value for you and you want it to go to your daughter in time.

"bearing in mind if she'd managed to join the Zoom call I'd be very unlikely to have them"

Is that what you meant?

So the daughter would have complained so much that she would have insisted that her mother (a grown woman with capacity) do as the daughter wanted rather than respect her mother's choices.

Yes, that is shocking.

AIBU not to give her the items MIL gave me, bearing in mind if she’d managed to join the zoom call I’d be unlikely to have them?

I've already said that I interpret this as meaning that if SIL had been on the call earlier she would have kicked up a huge fuss and one or more out of MIL, OP and other DIL would have backed down and said 'OK you have them if it means that much to you', thus causing much embarrassment and ill feeling. SIL does not come out of this well however you interpret OP's remarks, surely.

you sent her the link, it's not that hard, she is getting the majority of the jewellery, so she needs to stop rattling her chains respect her mum's wishes, and shut the chuff up

@Kurkara
Very poor behaviour to be talking about the monetary value of items, surely you would treasure whatever you're given regardless of value??
This really isn't any of OP's business.

She was providing context that she wasn't given the majority of monetary worth of the jewellery.
If she hadn't spelt that out no doubt you would have wanted to know who received the most valuable piece.