Pissed off over photos

[ChubbyBoobs456]

DD's first birthday today. No one could be bothered to take a good photo of me. I have a handful of photos, either me talking, or in just a terrible pose, DD crying, DD not looking at camera. Not for lack of effort from my side, I tried but no one had the patience to take a good one. Fuck sake. I made an effort with everyone. Everyone has at least one excellent shot. Not me. It's ruined my night. I'm not normally this self centred but I literally gave birth to this human a year ago. I don't know why it's made me feel so ugly and unappreciated.

I am now refusing to send out photos. And I have deleted the best ones (not best ones of DD, but some excellent ones of other people). If they want photos, they can take it themselves.

Do you not think your child might appreciate and like to see the photos of her with other adults, maybe try and recover them from your recently deleted so that your daughter can choose to see them when she’s older. Imagine trying to explain to her you deleted a load out of spite to punish the other adults at her party because you didn’t like the ones they took of you and her.

It sounds like people did actually take photos of you with your child, you’re just caught up on you me own perception of yourself. I get it, especially with how social media pushes “the aesthetic” these days.

I have really bad self esteem and I used to be upset looking at photos of myself but I have had to learn that others see me differently that I see myself, my brothers favourite photo of me I’m pulling a stupid face and sticking my middle finger up, my sisters face photo of me is of my ugly crying as I walk into the hospital after she’d given birth, my daughters fave photo of me is when she’s one, having her shoes fitted and my husband took a photo where my hair is all over from the wind outside, you can see my knickers above my jeans where I’m squatting to be at dds eyes level to distract her. She loves that photo so much and I think I look fucking terrible in them all.

What you’re viewing as horrible photos may well turn out to be your daughters fave of you, and would you want to pass on the idea to her that how you look is more important than the memory of being there with family who love her. If having posed photos a certain way is crucial to you maybe a tripod and making sure you get exactly what you want is something to consider for future.

If your guests are upset at there being no good photos of them, you may have a point. But it’s not the sort of thing I ever hear complaints about. Complaints about bad photos sent around groups or put on social media, yes! Complaints that no one bothered to take a good photo while they were out at an event or in a gathering, not so much.

You’re DD’s mum and, whether you would care in other situations or not, it’s totally reasonable to want a good photo with her at her at birthday party. I just wonder if you made it clear you wanted someone to make sure they captured one? And asked one or two people you specifically know have a good eye? Because it’s not something that just happens and it’s not something other people necessarily think about.

In any case, I’m sorry you didn’t get it. I hope you have someone who can take a good photo of you with DD that you can treasure. And congratulations on making it through a year of motherhood.

It's supposed to be a party to celebrate the birthday of the baby.
But the baby doesn't really seem to be the focus of the event. It's all about " nice photos" of the event.
Pretty sad actually.

And I speak as someone who is in barely any birthday photos with my dc and at best always in the background mid action - dishing out slices of cake or mid tidy up!

Hold the baby up in the air then bring her down quickly into your arms. She’ll probably beam, someone snaps a quick photo, everyone’s smiling and happy. For next time.

I feel like the best photos I have of me are with my children because I’m thinking of them rather than what I look like. I expect with time you’ll see the photos you haven’t liked are probably pretty alright, don’t delete them. I remember looking at photos straight after they’d been taken of me with one or other of mine as babies and only seeing my tired eyes or massive boobs, hair out of place etc. Looking back, even weeks later, I see my genuine smile, the way we’re looking at each other, the details of a gorgeous baby growing up so fast.

Huge overreaction! Did you enjoy the day? Surely that’s all that matters. Not everything needs capturing on screen.

Jesus. I can’t relate to this at all. Put the same clothes on, stick balloons up in the background and take a million photos tomorrow. No one will know what day it is.

Very dramatic. I can see why people would've lost patience while trying to get a good photo.

The baby was the focus of the event. She is the focus of everything. Party is done, baby is sleeping, and I've just had a chance to sit down and look through the photos and I'm annoyed.

Yes, exactly. It's making me feel like I mean nothing. Good enough to make all the effort, not good enough for anyone to make an effort for me. Which pretty much describes my entire experience of motherhood so far anyway.

Anyway, I've been told, I'll put down my phone and not think about it anymore. Everyone thinks I'm unreasonable so that's what it is.

I'm still not sending anyone any photos. I'll keep them for myself / DD's album.

So aren't there any nice photos of baby from the party at all?

I suggest you pay for a professional photographer next time since it’s ruined your night.

I totally get it OP. There are thousands of lovely photos of other people with my children, and the few that exist of me are ones that I have had to beg/plead/cajole for or have had to engineer myself. This isnt about the photos - it’s about whether someone else cares enough to capture the memory for me so that I can equally enjoy the day. Instead i am becoming the family chronicler and have to hold the mental and physical load of ensuring that there’s any photographic evidence that I was even there at these key events in my children’s lives. It’s not about an Instagram-worthy shot or about placing the photos above the enjoyment of the day - it’s about being able to enjoy the day knowing someone will care about you having a nice photo to look back on. A day that you probably did a lot of the planning and organising for, let me guess

I get it OP.

I don't think you're making it about you at all.

It's the fact you grew and birthed this gorgeous little human. You've nourished and nurtured her. You are always there behind the scenes.

You were literally behind the scenes making sure everyone had a moment of recognition, wonderful candid shots and beautiful memories.

You can't turn back the clock and you took the opportunity when you could to make sure that timestamp was captured for everybody else because it is special and important and whether it's important to anyone else on this thread is irrelevant because it is important to you.

You wanted a beautiful snapshot in time of a precious moment you'll not get back. It won't be her first birthday ever again. Sure she will be 1 year plus 1 day, but the celebration is gone.

It wouldn't have killed anybody to think do you know what this moment needs to be commemorated.

YANBU to be upset over it. Be more assertive, make sure going forward you say can I have a look at that, no that won't do let's take it again from this angle. And repeat until you get what you're looking for. You deserve to not be behind the scenes all the time.

@Jimmyneutronsforehead thank you!!

You’re going to have many, many years ahead of photos of all sorts of family members not looking their best. Happy family memories can easily be collected by photos of children looking the wrong way or parents blinking or distracted. Everyone is saying YABU not because family photos aren’t important, but because it’s almost impossible to ensure they’re “good”. That’s life. Instagram ready perfect photos aren’t real life.

This is a good read on this very issue: https://zawn.substack.com/p/my-husband-doesnt-take-pictures-of?triedRedirect=true

Oh don’t be petty and childish. Why cause problems when you don’t need to?

Send people the photos. It was a nice day, your DD enjoyed it - and that’s the main thing, it’s her day. But it’s only the first of very, very many! Don’t spoil people’s memories - and your own, because you will - by refusing to send out the photos.

You’ll regret it in years to come otherwise. You have a lot of challenges ahead as a mother - this isn’t one of them, you’re just making it so. It gets way harder than this. Don’t fret the small stuff, is my best advice.

I know from experience that taking photos of people at events can be a very thankless task.

There will often be one or two people who think they look hideous in perfectly normal snaps, and will blame the hapless photographer, who was just doing what one does when taking snaps - pointing the phone or camera, framing the shot and clicking.

To everyone else, the subjects in the photo just look like themselves, but the hyper-critical one is convinced they're far better-looking in real life than the camera has recorded.

If you are a mother surely it's the photos of your children that are important?
Why do you need to be in the photos yourself?
Why are people so obsessed with needing seeing photos of themselves?
You seem to be actually saying that if no one bothers to take a photo of you then they don't actually care about you. That's a very strange way to judge your value to others.

Ignore the bitter posters

It's far too common that there are no photos of the mum. You need to start taking selfies, or make sure your partner/ sister, ONE person takes photos of you.

Photos ARE important, and you make the effort of taking them, people must be like posters here and don't think.

You are not unreasonable. One day the children look at photos, and they don't have any of their own mum. It's sad. Sadly it takes a special effort.

At least now you know what to expect, it will be the same every year. Organise something (someone) to make sure it doesn't happen.

oh please

I like looking at photos of my grand-mother, my mum. There's nothing new.
Of course photos of YOU with your children is important.

if no one bothers to take a photo of you then they don't actually care about you. that's true enough. If you care, you take pics.

It' s sad, but far too common that photos of children, photos will all the family members EXCEPT the mum are always taken - because it's mum who takes them all.

Agree with all of this lovely post. As the photos are what root us to the point in time and inform our memories and are what our children will have to look back on, they matter - and it matters and makes a difference if someone else recognises this importance and wants you to be captured in joy and love. Taking a photo of someone in a way that they would like to be remembered is an act of love that you absolutely deserve.