Pissed off over photos

[ChubbyBoobs456]

DD's first birthday today. No one could be bothered to take a good photo of me. I have a handful of photos, either me talking, or in just a terrible pose, DD crying, DD not looking at camera. Not for lack of effort from my side, I tried but no one had the patience to take a good one. Fuck sake. I made an effort with everyone. Everyone has at least one excellent shot. Not me. It's ruined my night. I'm not normally this self centred but I literally gave birth to this human a year ago. I don't know why it's made me feel so ugly and unappreciated.

I am now refusing to send out photos. And I have deleted the best ones (not best ones of DD, but some excellent ones of other people). If they want photos, they can take it themselves.

How mean of you to delete others' good photos because you haven't got one. The birthday wasn't all about you. If you are so desperate for a flattering photo pay a professional. And undelete those photos and post them up if that's your thing.

The OP cared enough about her guests, that she took the time to get nice photos of everyone who attended her daughter's first birthday...
Not one of those guests could be bothered to take the time required to get a nice photo of the OP.

In her opinion. As I have said previously, most people are actually lousy photographers and have absolutely no idea that is the case. They've taken a photo that means something to them in their eyes. But as far as "good photography" goes, most are snaps and pretty awful photographs. And it doesn't matter that they are because the essence of photography for most people is the memory, not the professional quality of the photograph. If the latter matter more than the former, then you get a photographer in (or you cultivate a friend who is actually good at photography!). You don't punish your "friends" and family for their failings by deleting the photos that you took of them. That is a five year olds tantrum, not an adult response.

My friends are always sending me pictures of me (and pictures of places they visit etc). The vast majority of them are bloody awful, speaking photographically. It doesn't matter one jot. They never claimed to be photographers. They are memories shared and memories made. It's the people that I value.

This all sounds like an issue with the other parent not pulling their weight though, and not a burden that should be placed on the OP's guests? If she was running around doing all the planning for the party then that means the father wasn't contributing the way he should have been. Similarly, if there are no photos of mum in a family album it's usually because dad hasn't been bothering to take them. Most other guests at this party will not live with the OP and be present at every moment she wants a photo of her and her child, so in my eyes that general responsibility rests with the other parent so that both parents are getting an equal amount of photos taken of them with the children (assuming the other parent is present/part of the same household). OP asked guests to take photos of her and they obliged, whether or not they are to the OP's standards or not is subjective to her. I hear the people saying it's reasonable to expect the guests to have taken the time to take a photo where the baby and OP were both still, but if the baby is wriggling about at the time the OP asks people to take photos, perhaps they didn't understand that the OP didn't want a candid one and was asking for an Instagram-worthy one, or assumed the OP would be fine with one where the baby was wriggling about since the baby is only one and that's to be expected.

Again though, implying that the guests were being unbothered or rude for not taking perfect photos for the OP I think is unfair. The guests will have dedicated the day to attending the baby's party, a party she is much too young to remember and so really they are attending to show their care and support for OP/her partner. They presumably will have bought presents for OP's DD, sang happy birthday to her, etc. Attending the party in good spirit is them showing their care for the OP and her baby. Which is why deleting nice photos of them because of an unspoken expectation that they would take professional-style photos of the OP is coming across as unreasonable to me.

I don't think the OP is wrong to want nice photos of her and her baby at key milestones, but I think her anger is misplaced and this is ultimately something she should discuss with her partner. I would be quite bemused if I had taken the day to attend a one year old's birthday, spent money travelling there and on buying a present, and then was told photos of me were being deleted in punishment because I hadn't provided great photos for the host. I'd also shrug and move on though, because I'm not a photo person (as many people aren't.)

OP says 'But if they think the photos are meaningless, why would they place any importance on photos of them?' and 'I am now refusing to send out photos.'.

Which makes me think they asked for her pictures and she is refusing to send them.

I get what you’re saying as sometimes me and DW will flick through the photos after we’ve taken them and I’ll say nope, hate them, let’s go again. But you don’t always have the time or inclination to do that.

At a party with children and the chaos, even if a photo is important to you, you have to just give people the benefit of the doubt that they’re going to take a half decent photo. Both people looking at camera is a minimum. You can’t really keep stopping, checking photos and retaking. It’s not like she’s upset that she didn’t look nice, which is subjective, it was that they didn’t meet the minimum standard of a posed photo (crying/mid talking) which anyone with eyes can see, although in future I’m sure this upset will mean that she puts in way more effort then she should have to to ensure she gets a nice photo

A one-year-old doesn't even need a birthday party! They won't remember it or care. The OP put on a party for her kid because SHE wanted one. So this isn't about woman taking on all the burden of care etc etc. It was her party - and yes she can cry if she wants to, but it's a bit pointless really. She could have just asked a few people to take some photos of her and not made any kind of deal out of it at all.

The person the baby is closest to often ends up taking the best photos, and having less good ones themselves. This is in no small part because when your baby is in someone else's arms, but YOU are the person in front of them with the camera, they will smile at and for you.

Why get insulting? What does that achieve?

Either photos are unimportant or they're not. If it's ok for OP not to have a picture of her with her dd on he 1st birthday, then it shouldn't matter if OP has deleted pics of others.

OP shouldn't have to keep telling people dd was crying in the pic, could they take another one.

I can't believe what I'm reading . Your DD's party and you're concerned about a pic of yourself! You sound like a self-obsessed diva.

Wow you enjoying yourself up there on your high horse?

Kindly photos of a special occasion are nearly almost an anticlimax as they don’t accurately represent the warm mushy feeling of your memory of the event so soon after it. But in months and years to come they will because you put those emotions into the photo by looking at them and triggering the memory.

I have had 18 years of this. The PILs always asking for a photo shoot but never offering to take of me or taking "candid" ie crap photos. There are no photos of me up in our house or my parents or my PILS.
The PILs house is full of photos of themselves however, and I am glad to not be vain like that, at least.

I really understand where you are coming from here.

Photos capture memories and seeing ourselves in them places us in the centre of those memories.

I find that there are very few photos of me and my children taken. People assume that those are taken all the time, although obviously they’re not.

I’m really sorry that you were disappointed. Is there someone you’d trust to take a lovely set of photos on a day out?

"was asking for an Instagram-worthy one" this is so unfair and unfounded.

Yes, partner is mainly to blame but dynamics like this seep through whole extended families: mum expected to curate lovely experiences (and momento photos) for in-laws etc and she can have the crumbs of crap photos (because let's face it, she's not really important). If mum dare complain she's self-centred, vain and doing everything for social media (whether she has social media or not).

She’s did, it’s in the OP.

OP, you’re getting a hard time but I’m on your side – I have hardly any decent photos of me with the kids that aren’t selfies. It’s really common: photo-taking tends to be done by the mums in my experience, so the dads get loads of great shots and the mums appear running around in the background organising things, if at all. It sucks, especially because the thing I value the most since my mum died is photos of us together. I had a chat with DP about it and he does make the effort to do posed, not candid, pics on special occasions. It’s usually the kids that ruin them now!

Yeah, agree with in-laws only taking "candid" photos of mums. Once everyone was posing with my babies and somehow the only photos of me with my own children were candid ones - me eating with baby on my lap, or 8pm after event when I'd taken makeup off and scraped hair back and slumped in a chair relaxing with my kids (cue lots of remarks of 'oh you look lovely' 😐)

I have a friend who is fussy about photos. She asks passers by to take a photo, but then inspects it and if she doesn't like it, asks them to do it again. It's embarrassing and boring. Photos don't have to be perfect, just like real life isn't perfect. I also won't stand there taking tens of photos to get one good one...

I have photos of family members taken on holiday in the early 1900s. 😂

(on a side note, how do these photos actually survive so well when the ones I printed 10 years ago are already fading? Just why?)

So it might be time you update your standards about "modern technology" because it's been round for a while.

She’s did, it’s in the OP.

OP, you’re getting a hard time but I’m on your side – I have hardly any decent photos of me with the kids that aren’t selfies. It’s really common: photo-taking tends to be done by the mums in my experience, so the dads get loads of great shots and the mums appear running around in the background organising things, if at all. It sucks, especially because the thing I value the most since my mum died is photos of us together. I had a chat with DP about it and he does make the effort to do posed, not candid, pics: however, it’s rare that these are on special occasions like birthdays – because they’re busy, frantic events. You’re far more likely to get nice pics with DD on an ordinary trip to the park or the ducks, when DC are less overwrought and you’re not also trying to light candles/find napkins/pour drinks.

You say it like it’s an insult! I’m with the op. She’s well within her rights to have a strop.

it's so sad it's such a common theme, and why so many advice online telling mums to make sure they have photos of themselves too, because they simply don't exist.

Mums are so much more important than the in-laws, they should have priority.

Teach your children to include their mums in photos, so they do the same with partners, and take photos of your own daughters (and DIL) when they have kids, it's not that hard.

it's so weird to not care about the actual mother.

You keep repeating ‘either the photos are important or they aren’t’ and I really don’t know why. It is obvious that they are important. I have never down played that they are important. I have said repeatedly that they are important to me as well.

what I did say is that if something is important to someone then they themselves are responsible for making sure they get what they want.

imagine 20 years from now when the kid asks for pics of their first birthday, maybe with relatives who are no longer with us. There aren’t any at all because mummy didn’t like the ones of herself so she deleted them ALL in revenge. Sounds hard work, doesn’t it?

what I did say is that if something is important to someone then they themselves are responsible for making sure they get what they want.

It's common sense to take photos of a child on their birthday, even more when parents have their hands full bringing the cake etc, they obviously can't do 3 things at once.

When in-laws are so obsessed with having photos of themselves, it's just rude and nasty to ignore the DIL and not take any photo of her.

Why is it always up to the mum to remind people she exists?

For what it's worth , I don't think you're unreasonable. It's a well known thing that mums are often behind the camera and miss out on their moments with their children being preserved in photographs, And yes it sounds like you are running around making great party for your family and friends to celebrate your little one, So it would have been nice to have some nice photographs.

I also know what it's like to be behind the camera taking photographs of everyoo and getting a few blurry candids on return 😅So much, so that when people pass away, I'm always asked dor photographs because I'm the only one usually taking pics at family events and get togethers. Even asked sometimes specifically am I bringing the camera to a christening etc as people know I'll take nice pics.

Hopefully you get some nice pics after playing with her new toys but you aren't unreasonable, despite alot saying you are, when you did alot of the thought and prep yo make a lovely day for your extended family and then barely feature in the photos, it's rubbish.

I do think you are being unreasonable and slightly childish for deleting nice photos of others with your baby.