Page 19 | I've just seen the most depressing thing

Havesomecommonsense · 2025-08-26T09:48:33+00:00

In a coffee shop, in comes a Dad and his daughter (roughly 3 years old) He made a comment to the daughter about this being a weekly visit before he dropped her back to the mum He then sat her on his lap, gave her a phone and she watched instagram videos and he watched his own phone holding it over her head.. He gave her some food, which she kept choking on intermittently. He barely said 2 words to her Yes I'm judging, but fgs do better

Wedonttalkaboutboris · 30/08/2025 20:19

cottoncandy260 · 30/08/2025 20:18

WTF’s wrong with I Spy? What do you do with your kids to pass the time when waiting (aside from sticking them on a sodding screen?) discuss Love Island?

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My kids love I spy- and so did I when I was their age! Let kids be kids.

cottoncandy260 · 30/08/2025 20:20

Wedonttalkaboutboris · 30/08/2025 20:10

What I find really odd is people getting tablets or phones out to “entertain” their kids when they’re out and doing something. Being out is the entertainment in itself.

I only give my kids screens when I genuinely need to get something important done (e.g force toddler into car for dentist appointment we’re about to miss!) or have a proper breather. Otherwise, they happily go off and play independently for hours- because we haven’t relied on screens from the start.

When we’re out for a meal as a family, I actually want their presence, not their blank faces staring at a device. Yes, it’s hard work at first- when they’re 2 for example- but my 3yo has now learned (albeit with a bit of colouring and entertaining from me) how to sit and chat and be a present part of the group. My older children can sit, make conversation, ask questions, listen, look around the room, be aware. How do people think kids develop these skills?

If we keep over-relying on screens, we’re going to have a generation of adults who can’t sit for any length of time without over-the-top stimulus- or at the very least who have awful table manners and poor conversation skills because they’ve never learned how to be genuinely present with people. It is depressing!

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THIS. In a nutshell.

What some parents are failing to realise is the lack of social skills these kids are going forward with. You are seriously hindering their development.

cottoncandy260 · 30/08/2025 20:22

Wedonttalkaboutboris · 30/08/2025 20:19

My kids love I spy- and so did I when I was their age! Let kids be kids.

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It also helps with spelling, colour and just general observation skills. My kids used to love I Spy too.

Wedonttalkaboutboris · 30/08/2025 20:29

cottoncandy260 · 30/08/2025 20:20

THIS. In a nutshell.

What some parents are failing to realise is the lack of social skills these kids are going forward with. You are seriously hindering their development.

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They just see it as a quick and easy win. I want to eat my meal in peace now so I’m going to give them ‘the tablet’, rather than actually teaching them proper social skills. It’s like people have forgotten that they’re the parent- not some personal amusement coordinator. I frequently tell my eldest that I’m not in charge of their entertainment. Your kid is bored in the queue? Tough- they need to learn that the world doesn’t revolve around them and they’re not owed fun 24/7. No wonder some kids are struggling to sit in classrooms.

TBH society treats a lot of problems like this now and that’s probably why we’re in such a mess. Instant gratification. I want this now and I don’t want to have to wait or work for it. I want it Amazon primed to me instantly. There seems to be limited long term thinking now.

Original poster

Havesomecommonsense · 30/08/2025 21:24

I find it weird that so few children are spoken to a lot. If parents do talk to their kids it's seen as performance parenting. Just stand in the queue, or sit at the table and listen to people talk, join in, learn how to be in a group, what things are called, how things work out in the world. Its so so simple and what humans have done for thousands of years

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ByNattyScroller · 30/08/2025 22:22

This is sad, but it’s the poor little one choking on her food I would be more worried about 😞

Cherryicecreamx · 31/08/2025 01:06

Sometimes I think we just get really overwhelmed and just need to zone out for a bit.
Have to say I'm generally anti phones around children, don't like seeing it as use of entertainment especially when you're out. It should be about socialising, chatting, eye contact, enjoying wherever you are etc... but some days just take its toll and maybe that was one of them.

Original poster

Havesomecommonsense · 31/08/2025 07:02

ByNattyScroller · 30/08/2025 22:22

This is sad, but it’s the poor little one choking on her food I would be more worried about 😞

This is what I was surprised that everyone just glossed over
Human makes a distressed noise, other humans check they are ok
Nope. Not this dad . Imagine what that is teaching his child. Not only her own feelings but she's not being shown how to relate to others at all. So her friend makes a distressing noise, she just completely ignores it, how does she bond ? How does she learn to nurture other people?

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Original poster

Havesomecommonsense · 31/08/2025 07:03

Cherryicecreamx · 31/08/2025 01:06

Sometimes I think we just get really overwhelmed and just need to zone out for a bit.
Have to say I'm generally anti phones around children, don't like seeing it as use of entertainment especially when you're out. It should be about socialising, chatting, eye contact, enjoying wherever you are etc... but some days just take its toll and maybe that was one of them.

Parental overwhelm is not an excuse, even in this case.

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Anchorage56 · 31/08/2025 08:53

Havesomecommonsense · 30/08/2025 21:24

I find it weird that so few children are spoken to a lot. If parents do talk to their kids it's seen as performance parenting. Just stand in the queue, or sit at the table and listen to people talk, join in, learn how to be in a group, what things are called, how things work out in the world. Its so so simple and what humans have done for thousands of years

I dont understand this post. How do you know how often people speak to their kids when your not around them?

RhaenysRocks · 31/08/2025 09:02

Surely the post just means when you observe this kind of thing ...a child on a phone or being ignored by a parent with a phone for a stretch of time at a cafe or round a supermarket or whatever. This isn't a courtroom...we don't have to prove beyond a reasonable doubt with CCTV that a child was not interacted with by an adult for x time. We all know this happens. Posters turning themselves inside out to try and defend it or shout "snapshot" are being disingenuous...we know this happens and schools and society and seeing the results.

Anchorage56 · 31/08/2025 09:28

And how is talking to a child deemed performance parenting? Very strange

Original poster

Havesomecommonsense · 31/08/2025 11:29

RhaenysRocks · 31/08/2025 09:02

Surely the post just means when you observe this kind of thing ...a child on a phone or being ignored by a parent with a phone for a stretch of time at a cafe or round a supermarket or whatever. This isn't a courtroom...we don't have to prove beyond a reasonable doubt with CCTV that a child was not interacted with by an adult for x time. We all know this happens. Posters turning themselves inside out to try and defend it or shout "snapshot" are being disingenuous...we know this happens and schools and society and seeing the results.

Exactly . Thanks

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Original poster

Havesomecommonsense · 31/08/2025 11:30

Anchorage56 · 31/08/2025 09:28

And how is talking to a child deemed performance parenting? Very strange

It was LITERALLY talked about earlier in the thread when pps said that if you talk to your child you are accused on here of performance parenting. I don't agree. I think adults should talk to their children and include them as part of the family at mealtimes etc.

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Somerford · 31/08/2025 11:33

Campingisnexttogodliness · 26/08/2025 11:52

I've told my dd I ever see her shoving a screen at her dd in public I'll be removing it.

Who the fuck do you think you are 😂

Original poster

Havesomecommonsense · 31/08/2025 11:33

Must be terrible to go through life so confused and not understanding anything, to never be able to understand nuance or generalisations 🤔

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Petitchat · 31/08/2025 11:36

Havesomecommonsense · 31/08/2025 11:30

It was LITERALLY talked about earlier in the thread when pps said that if you talk to your child you are accused on here of performance parenting. I don't agree. I think adults should talk to their children and include them as part of the family at mealtimes etc.

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In France and Spain, babies and small children are the star of the show.
They get passed from person to person, being fussed and kissed and sharing food as they go along the row.
It's funny to watch 😊

Jesslovesengineering · 31/08/2025 11:38

PInkyStarfish · 26/08/2025 10:53

A brief snapshot of a person’s life doesn’t give you the whole picture.

Of course it’s awful to be on your phone instead of giving a child your full attention but I see women everywhere I go that are glued to their phones. I also think children being given a phone as entertainment is sad.

But, you know nothing about him. He could be depressed and struggling to cope with the break up. He could have not long finished a night shift and be exhausted. His grandmother may have just died! Anything absolutely anything that you know nothing about could have caused him to feel weary and cope the best way he could at that moment in time.

Yes, chances are he was clueless but even so…

I have to say that whenever I see men on their own with children they are engaging and talking to their, it’s women that are glued to their phones.

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I love how you caution against making judgements, and then you go and make a judgement. Well, to answer one sweeping generalisation with another; could it be that the reason you see mums on phones and dads engaging is because a) you see more mums alone with kids than dads and b) women carry the mental load? My son's father is a "show parent". Just sees him enough to get some good pics for social media. Has never done a bedtime, bought clothes, been to a medical appointment, administered medication, arranged a trip, done a school run, doesn't even cook him anything; I have to send food with my son, otherwise he'd come home starving. He doesn't need to be on the phone like me, sorting out his EHCP, specialist therapies, trying to find a house near a school that CAN meet need, ordering supplies to complete the renovation of our current home so we can afford something better next time because this shit hole was all I could afford because he wouldn't part with any more than half the proceeds, even though he lived with his parents 2 years after we split. Not that the male parent isn't also glued to his phone a good amount of the 6 hours per week, 46 weeks per year he can be arsed to see him (and that's when he's not letting him run about industrial work spaces so he can get some overtime in).

Some dads are trash and our spidey sense to sniff them out is usually pretty good.

Anchorage56 · 31/08/2025 12:13

Havesomecommonsense · 31/08/2025 11:30

It was LITERALLY talked about earlier in the thread when pps said that if you talk to your child you are accused on here of performance parenting. I don't agree. I think adults should talk to their children and include them as part of the family at mealtimes etc.

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Dont think that MN is the place to get the right opinions on what the general public think. In the real world plenty people talk to their kids and plenty people dont think talking to kids is performance parenting. Always take MN with a pinch of salt.

Petitchat · 31/08/2025 13:38

Anchorage56 · 31/08/2025 12:13

Dont think that MN is the place to get the right opinions on what the general public think. In the real world plenty people talk to their kids and plenty people dont think talking to kids is performance parenting. Always take MN with a pinch of salt.

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👍

Petitchat · 31/08/2025 13:46

Jesslovesengineering · 31/08/2025 11:38

I love how you caution against making judgements, and then you go and make a judgement. Well, to answer one sweeping generalisation with another; could it be that the reason you see mums on phones and dads engaging is because a) you see more mums alone with kids than dads and b) women carry the mental load? My son's father is a "show parent". Just sees him enough to get some good pics for social media. Has never done a bedtime, bought clothes, been to a medical appointment, administered medication, arranged a trip, done a school run, doesn't even cook him anything; I have to send food with my son, otherwise he'd come home starving. He doesn't need to be on the phone like me, sorting out his EHCP, specialist therapies, trying to find a house near a school that CAN meet need, ordering supplies to complete the renovation of our current home so we can afford something better next time because this shit hole was all I could afford because he wouldn't part with any more than half the proceeds, even though he lived with his parents 2 years after we split. Not that the male parent isn't also glued to his phone a good amount of the 6 hours per week, 46 weeks per year he can be arsed to see him (and that's when he's not letting him run about industrial work spaces so he can get some overtime in).

Some dads are trash and our spidey sense to sniff them out is usually pretty good.

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Unfortunately, your spidey sense wasn't good was it?
Hence you giving your poor DS a "show parent"

Sorry though, must be bloody hard work!

Jesslovesengineering · 31/08/2025 13:54

Petitchat · 31/08/2025 13:46

Unfortunately, your spidey sense wasn't good was it?
Hence you giving your poor DS a "show parent"

Sorry though, must be bloody hard work!

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That's a low blow. I'm 2 years out of 19 years of domestic abuse, which I fell into because horrendous childhood abuse had convinced me there was something wrong with me. Despite this, I did see red flags but he pretended to be a kindred spirit, inventing his own abuse history to disarm me and explain away the red flag behaviours, before spending the next decade systematically destroying my confidence, finances and isolating me from any support I had. I speak from bitter experience having taught me, finally, to trust my gut, and being able to see, when I had our son 14 years into our relationship, that we deserved better than that POS.

Original poster

Havesomecommonsense · 31/08/2025 14:25

Anchorage56 · 31/08/2025 12:13

Dont think that MN is the place to get the right opinions on what the general public think. In the real world plenty people talk to their kids and plenty people dont think talking to kids is performance parenting. Always take MN with a pinch of salt.

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Well yes of course! But we are chatting in the realm of this forum aren't we?

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Anchorage56 · 31/08/2025 14:36

Havesomecommonsense · 31/08/2025 14:25

Well yes of course! But we are chatting in the realm of this forum aren't we?

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Yes but dont lose sight of reality. If a couple of people have posted (over the course of 19 pages of replies) that they think parents talking to their own kids is performance parenting, then it doesnt really warrant making a post suggesting that's what people think. You must realise that's tripe. And you still havent said what you mean by people dont talk to their kids a lot?

Original poster

Havesomecommonsense · 31/08/2025 14:38

Anchorage56 · 31/08/2025 14:36

Yes but dont lose sight of reality. If a couple of people have posted (over the course of 19 pages of replies) that they think parents talking to their own kids is performance parenting, then it doesnt really warrant making a post suggesting that's what people think. You must realise that's tripe. And you still havent said what you mean by people dont talk to their kids a lot?

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Not lost sight of reality. Referring to something said earlier.

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