Play date - no gadgets shock

[Dontlookbackinangeriheardyousay]

10 year old had a play date, 10 year old friend comes round and asks to play a game with our child, it’s on Roblox, we said no you don’t have a friend over and sit on gadgets. Friend looked horrified. It then became clear friend had no idea what to do or what to play as we wouldn’t allow gadgets on a play date. We have an abundance of toys/games plus lots in the garden including a huge paddling pool/pogo sticks etc.

Is this what play dates are now? Kids rock up with a gadget, sit on the sofa next to friend and stare at screens for several hours then go home? The only interaction they have with friend is via a screen.

We will continue to be gadget free play dates but I suspect that friend won’t want to come again.

No, thi sis not what playdates are about but yes, sometimes they do play things like Roblux. DD and her BFF tend to do a bit of roblux or similar, lots of trampoline, they build forts or play dress up, draw or make slime if I can't find a good way to stop them, play board games etc. But Roblux is sometimes there for some of the time, yes.

Last week we had a BBQ at a friend's house. DC all playing in garden, having a grand time, then after the evening meal went upstairs where I think they were playing some fortnite. Seems fine to me but I wouldn't be impressed if the entire playdate was on screens.

Sounds like you don't want your child to have playdates

Mine used to play Minecraft with friends. Why stop your ds doing fun stuff with his friend?

I think a mix is fine. Tell them to play outside for a bit then come in and have an hour on Roblox, then back out.

I’m with you @Dontlookbackinangeriheardyousay

I wouldn’t invite one of my friends over and sit playing on my phone so same goes for dc.

Mine used to flit between outside, Lego and the Wii at that age. If you're worried about time limits you could say the Wii (or whatever device) is only in the last hour. But they're approaching the time where they will tend to drop quite a bit of the toys and games and switch to "hanging out" anyway.

My son is 12 and when he has friends round they play computer games on the PlayStation, often go to the sweet shop, head to the local park, play ping pong, maybe play cricket or football. They wouldn’t be on screens the whole time but I wouldn’t really expect a 10/11 year old to have a no screen rule.

We are a screen free family too OP (although our kids are younger). It has shocked a few on play dates, but I don't care tbh. They end up having a good time.

It's not necessarily what playdates are, however, if the child usually is on screens when they get home it will seem strange for them not to be on screens. However, I have found that they figure it out when they have to. Sometimes a bit of guidance is needed but I subscribe to the thought that children should be bored and figure it out themselves. Takes a bit of work for the visitors to join in if they're not used to it but I've never had huge problems.

No screens for young children is great. I do think you need to start relaxing the restrictions on it more once they're getting towards secondary school. Screens are a huge part of tweens and teens socialising, your DC could end up feeling isolated if you are too restrictive with it.

My 11 year old had her mate over now. He’s brought his laptop and she’s on her iPad and they are playing some sort of game.

They don’t sit in silence.

They talk, laugh, shout, laugh some more the whole time while they are paying it together. They will also have other friends join them online where there will be more shouting and laughing.

Sometimes they will work on a comic they are writing together too, but they are having fun together when they are playing games. I don’t actually care as long as they are having a good time.

you are not a screen free family - you are on a screen as you type this!!

It's not possible or desirable to be 100% screen free. That's just not the way the world works. It's all about balance IMO.

Prohibit screens at age 10/12/whatever and by the time they're 16 they'll hate you for it and be unable to self regulate their screen use.

Let them have an hour of screen time and the whole playdate will go more smoothly.

We are the other way. I’ve never had any limits on screen time. It’s not something I can get worked up about to be honest. My older two have turned out fine (obviously they didn’t have iPads when they were little as they weren’t around, but I had no limits on TV as some did back then).

My 11 year old was coding and building gaming computers (with dh) by the time she was 6.

Not sure why sitting together and playing Roblox is any different to them sitting together and playing with Lego, or sitting together and drawing pictures or whatever. They're still talking to each other, doing an activity together and being sociable by playing Roblox or Minecraft - both of which are creative games. Something doesn't automatically become antisocial or non-communicative or passive just because it involves a screen.

Also, they're 10, not 4. At 10 I think you should be letting the kids decide how they want to play together, to be honest.

I suspect your son's friend reacted the way he did not because he doesn't know what to do without gadgets, but simply because you made him feel uncomfortable by informing him that a perfectly normal kids' play activity is apparently wrong and unacceptable. He made a perfectly normal suggestion and you responded in a way that probably made him feel guilty for it, even though he didn't nothing wrong.

It not any different at all. I’ve never seen a kid sit in silence when they’re playing a game in a group. I keep having to tell mine to keep it down when she’s got mates over and they are all paying Minecraft.

If they were sat in silence next to each other reading a book or colouring would there be a massive problem?

Screens aren’t the devil.

I understand where you are coming from and for younger children I would understand but I think at 10 you are going to start embarrassing your son.

Playing on screens together can be sociable, they aren't just sitting in silence. Paddling pools and pogo sticks are only going to become less appealing as they get older. I think suggesting they do a mix of stuff would have been better.

My kids are younger than yours (6&4) and sometimes kids are a bit shocked we don’t have Roblox ect. I generally just send them outside on the trampoline or if it’s raining do some kind of baking / cake decorating. By the time DD is 10, we’re going to relax a bit, but we have decided to hold off on the tec for a number of personal reasons. If you make this choice you need to accept you are outside of the norm.

I think maybe you made that kid feel a bit uncomfortable, instead of saying things like “we don’t do that” I just go for redirecting.

I limit it but allow a bit of screen time in some instances (max 1 hr). Screen free playdates don't make up for how a child lives at home and if a kid has absolutely no idea how to play without screens they can just get destructively bored. I would probably not invite a kid like that back though. My eldest is prone to screen addiction and we've worked too hard to keep that at bay.

We've just came back from the holidays in my family's place where my nephews (12 and 9) wake up at 10am, then they play whole day online games with their headsets on with other friends remotely, skipping breakfast, lunch (feed on rubbish/snacks/sweets lying around). Parents are at work. This is what their whole holidays looked like. When the nephew came to visit us with parents, he would hide under the blanket scrolling on his phone.
Not sure how this generation turns out when they're adult. Hope they'll be fine like any generation before them and we are just old, grumbling folk.

Well no, this is extreme but also might just be a snapshot.

DS friends come for sleepovers so they can all play video games together. It's very social and fun and then they go to sleep and when they wake up in the morning they go to the park or the gym! But I'm sure ther eare days when it's just play station all day!

Waaaaaaay back in the 80’s , when I was in primary school, we used to go to friends houses and hop on the trampoline, play with dolls, Lego etc AND play Donkey Kong. Or go to the corner store and play on the space invaders machine that they had out front.
Is that so different?

I imagine the friend was horrified because you were weird about a perfectly normal way for a preteen boy to hang out with his mates, not because he couldn’t entertain himself without a screen. They’re 10, not 4. So aging out of a lot of toys and if they’ve played outside, done some lego, maybe a board game then I’d have no issue with them playing a screen based game for a bit. I don’t allow Roblox because I think it’s absolutely awful but we do have a switch with stuff like mario kart, mario party etc. that are good for a group to play and also minecraft. They do not stare in silence, they don’t even sit- there’s a lot of excitement, laughing, jumping about, talking, shouting. I had the misfortune to sleep in the room above my nephew and his mates having a gaming sleepover once and omg the noise level, clearly having a great time though! If kids are here all day, or sleeping over I also let them have pizza and a movie for dinner. It’s normal. I think time to relax and let DS be the preteen he is and not treat him like a little kid.

I think 10 is the tricky age where more expect screens and "hanging out" but they are slightly too young to be sent off to a park or to play footie in the field etc without an adult (some parents don't mind this but really depends where you live and how sensible the kids are).

Doing stuff like getting them to make their own pizzas is good.

This is why i love when they have well developed hobbies. My nephew (12) has mates over and they play music together like a band, its brilliant, they've got one kid with guitar, another on piano and a couple who sing. Add a bowl of popcorn and plenty of drinks and they are happy for a couple of hours.

Surely when you have someone round, it’s about making them feel comfortable in your home, not guilty for making a suggestion to play something they both enjoy. That’s why your ds will end up not having play dates! Is he the eldest child?

Many suggestions above of handling it a better way - play outside first then an hour of Roblox or an hour of Roblox then play outside. Balance, not banning, is key!

To be honest it sounds more sociable than when my friend used to come over and sit and read all my back issues of Bunty.