Play date - no gadgets shock

[Dontlookbackinangeriheardyousay]

10 year old had a play date, 10 year old friend comes round and asks to play a game with our child, it’s on Roblox, we said no you don’t have a friend over and sit on gadgets. Friend looked horrified. It then became clear friend had no idea what to do or what to play as we wouldn’t allow gadgets on a play date. We have an abundance of toys/games plus lots in the garden including a huge paddling pool/pogo sticks etc.

Is this what play dates are now? Kids rock up with a gadget, sit on the sofa next to friend and stare at screens for several hours then go home? The only interaction they have with friend is via a screen.

We will continue to be gadget free play dates but I suspect that friend won’t want to come again.

We Use a mixture of both screens and non-screens. Like lots of other posters there is so much talking and laughing when the friends are playing Robux together, much more socialising then when they play Lego or similar

I was about to say the same; even back in the ‘80s we’d spend a bit of time on the ‘computer’ (a ZX Spectrum) playing Horace goes Skiing, Manic Miner or, later, Daley Thompsons Decathlon before disappearing off into the garden, the paddock or wandering off down the village to buy sweets or ice-creams. So I don’t think the gaming itself is a problem. All of us ended up as balanced, successful individuals doing proper jobs 😂

my 23 year old and 18 year olds were always on games and they have turned out great. They aren’t the two headed, socially inept monsters who go around clubbing people to death because they saw it on a zombie game like so many people said they would be.

That’s why I don’t worry about my younger two with screens. It’s okay.

My daughter isn't very screen oriented but my son (9) very much is. He has friends round loads and they all know that they can play on the switch for a bit but I also expect they'll do something else to - so maybe an hour on the switch and then they play outside for a while. I am sure my son plays plenty of screens when he goes elsewhere but I prefer a mix of activities. I compensate by having fabulous snacks lol

playing computer games with friends on co-op/ two player is some of the best fun ever, why would you stop them from doing that?

Sounds bloody boring to me. My two and their two cousins have a fab time playing all together on some stuff.. then they might break off to do something else.

When I was that age (and younger) we'd spend hours playing videogames on the Megadrive or Nintendo. Spent plenty of time outside too, but times have changed in that respect.

I think maybe you need to work out why 'screen time' is so bad that it's off limits. What is it you're worried about? For me there are some obvious dangers - contact from groomers online, seeing unsuitable content etc - but there are ways of managing that. There's also loads of good stuff you can do on a screen, eg watching a classic film, chatting to your friends on Facetime, writing music, doing art, playing games with your friends etc etc. Playing Roblox with a friend comes under that category for me.

We didn't really have restrictions when our two were younger. Ds had periods of being obsessed with particular games on the Xbox; he also had periods of being obsessed with trampolining and Rubix cube! They're now 21 and 19 and ds said to me the other day that whilst he always regrets wasting time scrolling on TikTok, he has no regrets about the time he spent playing Xbox with friends online during secondary school. He said they had such fun and really bonded.

My kids are now incredibly sociable and active, they're always out and about with friends, when they're not studying or working their part time jobs. The access they had to screens when younger hasn't impacted them and in fact I think they made/strengthened many friendships via online contact.

I’m with you, OP. DD is 9 and doesn’t have a Switch or anything.

A while go, at birthday party of a friend of DD’s, every single kid brought their Switch and sat around playing for the whole party. That was it. I walked in to collect DD and they were all like zombies.

I find it very concerning.

Thanks everyone. It’s really interesting most of you have assumed I’m talking about boys, I’m not, it’s my DD and her female friend. My DD has told me today her friend pretends to be an adult when she’s playing Roblox. Hmm I didn’t realise that was possible. My DD loses interest after 10 minutes on a gadget and would rather do arts and crafts/dance routines etc. I guess play dates are interesting and children have to connect in a different way to how they do at school. I hadn’t even considered the other child might turn up with a g gadget for the afternoon. I guess I’m on a learning curve.

This isn't exactly new. This is what playdates were like for me 30 odd years ago, because me and my friends were all massive computer geeks.

I'm with you, OP. No tech/gadgets on playdates. I wouldn't expect a friend to fiddle on their phone when we'd gone for a coffee to catch up. Fortunately, all but one of the parents of DS's friends agree. The one who whines constantly about tech hasn't been invited back. (Although not for that specific reason - it's because when he doesn't get what he wants he is shockingly rude to adults and deliberately makes other children cry.)

I disagree with this, especially at that age. Children can and do play without gadgets. When you said no to Roblox, what happened next? You said the child didn't know what to do or play, but she was a guest in your home so didn't DD get games or toys out, or suggest things to do? We did the same when DS had play dates, although I did let them play online games for some of the time - as long as they are playing them together, I personally don't see the problem. The rest of the time they played football, threw a frisbee and dug up part of the garden and played with Lego. Most kids are just happy to be at a friend's house. You make it sound like she just stood there doing nothing for the whole visit, which I find hard to believe.

Adults can have screens for work (and socialising). We don't allow them for family time. But then the kids are really young (4 and 7 so they don't need them).
Obviously as they get older they will use them at friends' houses and that is ok. There is some screen use at school/nursery too which is of course fine. But they won't be allowed tablets/our phones when they are with us, on journeys, in restaurants etc.

I think there's a big difference between kids this age gaming on their own for hours in their room, and doing it with friends for a bit. When they're together, they talk at the same time, teach each other tricks etc - it's really quite sociable. Great to do some other things, have a screen break outside too of course, but I don't personally think a bit of sociable gaming with a friend is so dreadful you need to ban it.

Op you’re right it’s a learning curve, and as they come to the end of primary and head to secondary, lots of kids get phones so it goes beyond gaming on play dates. It happens when you’re not around when they’re at secondary or at friends houses. As mum to a teen dd I’d say it’s worth thinking about the coming years, your dd will also have friends with completely different parental limits on screen time, games they’re allowed to play, social media etc. I recommend keeping communication with your dd as open as possible at that stage, the more she’s able to tell you and talk to you about the better. You may find what some friends are allowed to do or are doing in secret just isn’t compatible with your own limits. In year 8 dd knew some girls who were posting on Snapchat asking for men to contact them and meet them in the local town! Personally I went for a balance at 10-11 of screen time and games plus activities and play, some of her friends were allowed access to everything, some nothing at all, and some were using apps and games in secret, so a real mixed bag

My (just finished) year 6 twins are allowed screens for part of their “play dates” - they play football, go to
the park, scooters, play Lego, bake cakes etc first then go on tech (usually Minecraft or Mario kart) for an hour or so at the end.

My nearly 14 year old has no limits on screens when her friends come round - they are usually on video call constantly to other friends, certainly not sitting for hours in silence - the screens are the heart of their social lives!

It changes when they hit secondary school in my experience.

Like other pps have said, at that age, id have said 30 min - 1 hr screen time and then find something else to do - in general, so with and without friends.

Now they are older teens and spend way more time on screens. DH constantly whinges how long DS spends on the Xbox but is rarely willing to give up his own time to do something with him/take him somewhere....or even suggest something different to do. I think he hopes DS will naturally morph into a 1970s teen and want to go out cycling or fishing (on his own!)

I have preteen / young teen boys. I limit screens on a day to day basis, but just let them do whatever on playdates. IME they'll naturally do a bit of both if left to it.

Don't blame you that's awful.

I take it this isn’t a close friend if they’ve never been round to yours for a play date before?

I think in that instance I would have allowed it as the friend brought it round. It sounds like it wouldn’t have lasted long anyway if your DD gets bored after 10 minutes.

I have hosted many play dates for this age group and tbh while I get where you are coming from...at 10 years old your child will.begin to be different if its a total ban on gaming or tv on a play date

At this age my son and friends were fine playing outdoors byt had outgrown stuff like paddling pools and lego...they would absolutely want to do some gaming .

I am absolutely not critical of your approach as I really believe we have a crisis of kids not playing enough off screens...however. you may need to consider what social norms there are.

Once my son was at secondary the main indoor social activity among his friends was playing fifa or fortnite. They were still very happy outdoors to be physically playful byt they had outgrown more indoor play

I hafe seen some amazingly playful moments on the PlayStation ir switch with kids laughing and chatting

I think you hafe to be realistic or your son will feel.embarrased.

And also..some kids will be unable to do a play date without it I think increasingly

Things haven't changed my DS in early 2000s used to go to a friend's and they Played Pokemon stadium together on the Nintendo.

I also think after a day af school they may benefit from.bonding over some screen time or gaming. It can help them relax and as others have said surely 30 minutes wouldnt be the end of the world.

Its easy to be dismissive byt kids do love gaming with friends.