To think that family holidays are bloody hard work for mothers?!

[Bliss1985]

I’m three days in and I’m shattered.
The mental load of organising everyone, remembering to pack all the stuff for whatever we are doing that day, sun creaming, snacks, referring the kids arguments. It’s bloody hard work is it not?

DH just doesn’t see all the donkey work I’m putting in and thinks he is carrying equal load, and can’t understand why I’m cranky.

My daughter's dad is the only man I've EVER known to pull his weight. My stepdad done fuck all in the house and that shows with how he lives now. My brother lets his wife drown. My child-free sister regularly gets a bit resentful at a husband who does sometimes does housework - 'for' her.

So even if people think it doesn't apply to their Nigel, I don't believe for a second that they can't see past the end of their own nose and see this dynamic in other relationships in their vicinity. It comes over quite often as self-congratulatory wank at the expense of struggling women.

So effectively just leaving the idea hanging that men are shit and should be excused shit behaviour by virtue of their sex? Why would I do that.

OP yes it sounds shit for you and it shouldn't be. YANBU to be pissed off and expect better. YABU to expect no better and that it's the same for everyone and that you should just accept it.

This is an entirely different response to people patting themselves on the back and you know that.

Maybe we shouldn't call them holidays just we are relocating our house for a week whilst doing childcare in a place that's unfamiliar.

I have "one of the good ones" and we still both find it hard work and stressful.

It's no wonder you feel the way you do op if your partner is more of a ornament.

Most women do more unpaid domestic labour than men.

the ones who work as many hours or more hours than men, in more demanding roles than their husbands,
or the ones who have chosen to work part-time or less busy job?

If you want to make honest comparisons, then at least put all the elements in the equation.

no one is patting themselves on the back, just refusing to put up with that nonsense

I don't know that. It's just more explicitly addressing OP. I don't think it's particularly different to any of my previous responses or anyone else's.

I don't understand why people go on about "not having DC with a man like this" as if men never do a bait and switch boiling frog situation on us?!

Anyway. YANBU OP. Can you suggest to your DH that you take it in turns getting everything ready for the day and then being primary parent (ie dealing with arguments)? On "his" day, you get yourself ready, refer any arguments, whinging about lack of snacks, drinks etc to him to sort out. After he has a day when he has had to do it all he might be a bit more understanding.

It isn’t invalidating it @FattyMcFattyArse. It’s agreeing that it’s not acceptable. But that doesn’t make it ok if ‘all men are like it’. Women put up with all sorts of shit simply because other women do, and it isn’t ok.
I would like to see it normalised that men should actually be parenting equally.

It is a shame your husband doesn’t see what you have done. It’s important to appreciate each other in a relationship.

Though even in an equal marriage, holidays with little kids can be tough. The idea can be better than the reality sometimes!

But holiday time is precious. OP, I can understand how resentful you feel. But can you have a quick chat with him, without too much blame which might cause an argument and make things worse for you, instead can you make a plan for the rest of the holiday? That involves a couple of hours of completely child-free time at least every day for you. Whether that’s for an afternoon siesta, or an evening drink, or a morning trip to the local shops. You need to carve it out in order to get something out of the trip for yourself.

YABU. I agree with pp it’s a DH problem and a DW enabling it problem.

I don’t understand why women moan about doing the lion’s share of the work when they have husband’s/partners. If you want to be a martyr keep quiet, it’s boring.

wow

Both in fact.

Go and do the research.

And fwiw, we also get paid less than men in our paid jobs.

Plenty of stats out there on that too.

Sounds like hell.

Why are you enabling your husband to be so useless? I wouldn’t dream of this unequal set up.

@Burntt you have nailed this! So true.

FattyMcFattyArse · Yesterday 03:28

Where do all these equally responsible and hardworking family men come from that posters claim they have? I've never met one in real life.

I think they must be patriarchal bots that often pop up to keep gaslighting us.

@CarpetKnees I think this post is both smug and naive. You don't know what goes on behind closed doors and you can't predict what will happen for ALL of these generations and friends when life throws up various challenges. 80% voted YANBU so unless you and your entire extended family are in that lucky 20% you need a reality check. Lots of men change when they have kids and the focus and dynamic shifts in the relationship. You are talking as if you are superior to everyone else.

I think you need to take turns. Tell him the days plan to go out is on him on alternate days including packing (just take a stash of suncream)

Or you get up early and meet them all by the pool then he’s forced to pack and plan and if he admits it’s hard he proves your point

I also agree that the smug ‘I picked better than you so it’s your fault’ can F off

OP you'll get posters jumping on to brag about their wonderful equality load husbands, but truthfully you are right.
In practice, for a large majority of women, your situation matches the reality. My DH is so proud when he remembers at the last minute one useless gadget, after I have spent 2 days packing and sorting everything. It's very annoying.
If he was left to it, he'd take nothing and purchase everything again once we got there.

where do you think?

Again, do you pretend gay couples are unable to offer decent homes to their children?

Do you think single dads don't raise their kids just as well as single mums?

But no, let's pretend MEN are a different species, completely identical to each other, and everyone makes poor choices like you did 😂

But no one is saying that it’s her fault that he’s an arsehole or even that she picked an arsehole. Not one person has said ‘it’s your FAULT because you picked a loser’. They’ve simply said that no, all men aren’t like this, some are decent.

LOL you are so right.