To think that family holidays are bloody hard work for mothers?!

[Bliss1985]

I’m three days in and I’m shattered.
The mental load of organising everyone, remembering to pack all the stuff for whatever we are doing that day, sun creaming, snacks, referring the kids arguments. It’s bloody hard work is it not?

DH just doesn’t see all the donkey work I’m putting in and thinks he is carrying equal load, and can’t understand why I’m cranky.

No one is saying that holidays with young kids can’t be hard. But when they are harder because your DH ‘doesn’t see the donkey work’, that’s bullshit.

Not here, I've planned and booked the days out, done the food shop and I do all the driving (he doesn't drive). He did all the washing, cooks the meals and we both handle the kids and get involved in whatever we're doing.

I packed mine and the kids clothes, he sorted his clothes, all toiletries/meds/phone chargers etc.

We don't have to plan accommodation (family owned holiday lodge) but if we did it would be a joint decision

Agree. My DH would do everything but differently and it would be shit.

He cannot anticipate anything so for example I would take water bottles out because I know my ds gets very thirsty and then very upset if he doesn't have water immediately. DH will not think about the water, go out without a bottle but be happy to buy one. But DS will get upset because it takes time to find somewhere for water and then he will have a meltdown and an hour of being out gets ruined.

So technically he is happy to get water. I could decide to let him crack on with it so I never have to worry about packing water bottles again. But it doesn't end well.

I picked YANBU because everything you said resonated with me. The ‘desk research’ picking the holiday destination in no way equated to the work load in actually making the holiday a success. It made me fed up to feel that choosing the vacation location was the key to making it happen; no, sorry, the person who packs and plans is the king-maker here.

I assume they must exist although I too have never met one.

I have however known quite a few who would look you dead in the eye and claim that they do 50% when in reality they do about 20%.

I’ve also met a few deluded women who insist they have marvellous husbands who do 50% when they absolutely don’t.

This might be a slightly controversial opinion but I think age comes into this (I’m 44 as is my ex-husband) - it looks to me as though younger men are slightly better at dividing the load. Mine was almost Victorian in his attitude - I got more help once divorced.

My dh, my siblings, my BiLs and many of my friends are in their 60s and are all perfectly capable of parenting and sharing the load.

If my Dad were still alive he'd be 98 and he was also perfectly capable of sharing the load.

So I'm not sure this pans out.
But even if it did, the OP presumably has young dc (if they need adults to remember things for them), so it would seem reasonable to assume that her dh is a 'younger man'.

I absolutely hate comments like this. It’s so offensive. I had an ex who pulled his own weight, intact did more than half was great. Until my child’s SEN needs became so high ex didn’t get as much of my attention as he wanted- at which point he just gave up and stepped back and became a lazy shit while still believing he pulled his weight. Because to him it was an exchange. He does lots in the home and with the kids when it’s worth it for him. You know cancer nurses are trained on how to warn female patients that their partners may leave them. Perfectly good decent men leave their women when they stop getting what they want out of a relationship.

It’s

so wrong to blame women for having kids with these men. How are you supposed to know how they will parent children UNTIL YOU FUCKING HAVE THEM?! Stop blaming women for the failing of men. Not all men of course as evidenced by this thread and many other but it’s such a significant number of them that this is not the failing of the women who end up with them.

and that’s not even taking into account the women who never had a good male role model or had sexist upbringings teaching them they are the support human.

A better question is, when will men stop exploiting women?

My Ex was like this when we were together. One memorable holiday the only thing I asked him to do during the whole 5 day holiday (I’d driven the 4 hours there and back) with 3 DC was to boil pasta for their lunch (I’d already made the sauce), so I could have an hour or two’s break on day 4, as I was exhausted. I was woken up by the DC about an hour into my midday siesta saying they were hungry, and Daddy was sleeping on the sofa The rage I felt and expressed!!!

Now we’ve been split up a few years, we occasionally holiday together for the DC, and bizarrely he somehow manages to more than pull his weight on these holidays; I actually get to relax a decent amount of the time .

This.

As a SAHM when our dc were little, I did the shopping, cooking, cleaning etc. When we went on holiday I did not lift a finger to do those mundane tasks. Dh took over 100%. But then he also more than pulled his weight at home on weekends, as well as being 100% involved in the dcs' evenings and night-times.

That's not to say I did nothing when on holiday. You're still parenting when you are on holiday. But dh has never expected me to shoulder the whole of any burden alone. Neither of us expect that of the other.

I've always found it easier to be on holiday with my kids than stuck at home frankly ,from a few months old.

I never took them for a trek down the Amazon, but "abroad"being mainly Europe, there was no hidden danger.

It's just so much easier to be away, I never understood the appeal of being home when it's so much harder to entertain them -and when you have to give them a better routine of course.

Well said Burntt. The judgement is unbelievable. Judgement from other women - ‘you don’t know how to choose a partner’. Judgement from your own family and friends ‘your relationship failed / you didn’t try hard enough’. Judgment from other men when you re-enter dating - ‘how many baby daddies do you have? What happened in your marriage? Do you have enough time for me since you have kids?’

And all this to the parent who stayed. The one who is actually making sacrifices for the good of the children, doing it all, house, kids, work, with no recognition. But yeah, it’s somehow our fault we’re single.

I feel like this is slightly derailing the OP’s original ask! But also it’s relevant - you can be happier as a single parent doing it all than a married one wishing your DH would actually show up for you.

I don't know where you look, because I see plenty. In my circle of school parents, most mums go away for work or just with friends quite a few weekends a year. Dad takes over without problem.

If you decide from the start that it's normal to be a team, why wouldn't it be?

I never saw or heard a dad refusing to look after their kids among these people.

This. No one can make you assume a mental load. I just don’t. If there’s a fuck up, there’s a fuck up.

Packing and organising, yes.
Once there, DH definitely is the entertainer. I can't swim, DH loves the water, he entertains them in the pool too.
I noticed a lot of Dad's having fun with DC on holidays.
Tbf, when we left the house I wanted to pinch DH as he'd organised nothing, he knew better once we sat on the plane, I was done.

Not kids, kid.

Some exceptions aside, you know how it's going when you have one child with a useless man. It's a choice to have kidS with a useless man and that's how it often seems to go.

Sometimes women don't make it easy for themselves.

Then they should at least admit they are being exploited rather than excuse the behaviour.

That is awful for the kid(s) though, who has no clothes, lunch or whatever? I'm not using my child as collateral in some petty adult argument.

No, it's as much a break for me as it is for DH. We both pull our weight with parenting and doing the holiday extras like making sure we have water with us, everyone has sunscreen on, etc.

We go self catering and DH does as much with the meal prep (if we're having a picnic lunch for example) as I do, and DS pitches in too. We all do washing up, etc, it's never left for just one person. I do tend to do most of the laundry but I enjoy that on holiday and if I want help, both guys will muck in.

I don't accept that the majority of the mental load should be left to one person, and that reflects how we've brought our child up. DH does more of the holiday research and booking, but I try to do my bit as it isn't fair to leave it all to him.

I end up doing most of this because I worry about DC health. So id pack water, take suncream and I'd want to feed them healthier choices most of the time rather than eating out. So I cook.

DH will forget water, wont bother with suncream. He'd prefer to let the DC get hangry and then rush out with a stressed family with screaming DC to a restaurant than think ahead and buy some pasta in.

You can say he'd learn if I didn't step in. Natural consequences. But the natural consequences here are heat stroke, sun burn and a miserable holiday for everyone.

The trick is to do trips you want to do and drag them along. We do d road trips mostly, brilliant for routine (one dc has asd) drive, lunch, visit something, 30 mins in park, drive , check into hotel, swim, dinner, wander around town, sleep

Theoretically. But l have made it crystal clear my husband has to pull his weight and on the whole he does. It's not more interesting to me than him and l work similar hours to him -often more. I especially maintain boundaries as l have 2 girls so don't want them thinking they are the holiday fairies

Yes this. Also picking the right holiday. We'll be all inclusive in Greece next week and i won't be doing much. DH booked in, has organised a boat trip, will do any driving that needs doing, get us to and from the airport. Yes I will do the packing but I prefer to do it myself, and I think I can manage sorting the beach bag when I'm there

Classic mn response, you have a DH problem. Mine researches and books/pays/drives. I pack the food, fill up the car, check oil/tyre pressure. We only do UK holidays. DH will have checked local pubs/restaurants/attractions.

Last time I went on holiday with family, the dads were just as involved as the mums, but then looking at the mums, they aren’t the type to let the dads sit back and do nothing.

We've had many abroad holidays since DD was about 1 and they've always been fantastic, including a US roadtrip. The only tedious ones I remember were in the UK with shitty weather. I want to be warm on holiday.