To think that family holidays are bloody hard work for mothers?!

[Bliss1985]

I’m three days in and I’m shattered.
The mental load of organising everyone, remembering to pack all the stuff for whatever we are doing that day, sun creaming, snacks, referring the kids arguments. It’s bloody hard work is it not?

DH just doesn’t see all the donkey work I’m putting in and thinks he is carrying equal load, and can’t understand why I’m cranky.

They are if the father concerned is shit…

So drop the entire load for a couple of days and let him pick it up - all of it. Then he'll see.

And how many of those women get home after being away to the house in a shit state of untidiness and filth, no laundry done, a sink full of dishes and the kids having eaten takeaways half the time they were away?

And the dad thinks he is Father of the Century for looking after his kids while his wife goes away.

Don't know, still doesn't mean it should just be accepted as that's the way it is and "that's men for you" as is the premise of the OP.

It's not in my case. I go away at least three times a year for one 5 night work trip and two 3 night leisure ones. I've never come home to a house in any way untidier or children less cared for than if I'd been there and nor has the same friend I often go away with.

Neither DH or I are doing anything out of the ordinary I don't think.

Maybe I'm looking back with rose tinted glasses but I don't remember our holidays being like that when ours were young. DH has always packed his own stuff, and ironed it. I'm happy to bung everything in a wash together, not that difficult. Kids were packing their own suitcases by 10/11.

I always did the research and booking but I love that sort of thing, DH doesn't.

And I went away with friends when ours were small and I didn't come home to chaos. OK, it wasn't as clean and tidy as I would have had it, but that's not a problem is it, it wasn't filthy by any means. They may have worn some funny outfits but it's not the end of the world.

I am usually outraged when the handmaidens accuse Mumsnet of being man haters-but if they were talking about this sort of crap I’d be on their side.

Or she's the issue minimizing her husband contributions and giving away too much prominence on her own input.

The DH disputes her version of events so OP may be an unreliable narrator

None, some of the dads are better at keeping house or cooking than their wives.

More often that not it's dad's job to deal with sports dirty kit, and clean the muddy messy kit/boots....

I know it would be better for your narrative to pretend that women are house-proud and men slobs, but in real life it's just not true.

I think the only people around me who ever iron are men 😂

I don’t think it’s necessarily a good husband/bad husband question. Holidays with kids (especially when little) are really hard work and in a lot of families where the mum works fewer hours to do more childcare- which I think is still much commoner than the reverse - the mum is the default parent (and caterer etc) and it isn’t easy to adjust that mindset in the whole family for a week or so. My husband works his arse off on holiday (one of our kids has complex needs and 2:1 care at school) but so do I, in a way that is probably more connected to what mums tend to do than dads (on the whole).

all inclusive etc wouldn’t work for us because it’s harder work being in crowded spaces with my DS than it is to shop and cook. But if it weren’t for that then I can totally see the appeal and it might lighten the load!

I don't think the OP or anyone else is saying it's acceptable.

The OP needed to have a rant, find some solidarity and validation for her frustrations. Not lots of people like you replying with "well my DH does an equal contribution, so if you put up with less then it's your own fault". Whether those words are implied or expressed overtly, it's still a "fuck you" invalidation or berating of the OPs experiences.

None? Really?

Perhaps you'd like to google the division of domestic labour in the UK and really look at those statistics. Most women do more unpaid domestic labour than men. Even on "holiday". It is a huge difference.

Just because that might not be your personal experience, there is no need to invalidate the OP's or all the other women's that mirror that.

It's like telling a battered wife to stop complaining just because your own husband is kind and gentle.

We shouldn’t normalise it though. It’s good that women have posted to say their husband does their share and to have higher expectations. My mum put up with this rubbish for years and a huge part of that was because the women around her all had husbands like it and agreed it was just how men are. Bollocks to that.

This might be a slightly controversial opinion but I think age comes into this (I’m 44 as is my ex-husband) - it looks to me as though younger men are slightly better at dividing the load. Mine was almost Victorian in his attitude - I got more help once divorced.

See that's not been my experience. DH is 50 and more than pulls his weight. My dad was born in the 1930s and was extremely hands on with cooking, cleaning and child rearing - he was always the one who made sure we had a jumper if it was going to be chilly etc. I have friends in their 60s who are very equal in terms of splitting chores as well. My own impression is that it's if anything going backwards with younger men.

I can't say I personally felt this way. It was usually me who chose the destination and booked it, but once we set off it was equal.

The thread title is posed as a question that assumes the vast majority of fathers are shit, don't pull their weight and are causing the vast majority of mothers to have crap holidays. Whether or not OP wanted to just have a moan about her crap husband doesn’t mean the premise of the post shouldn't be challenged.

You're right. Despite protestations it's a recognised pattern that in general, mothers still pick up the load on holiday in the exact same way they do at home.

Except it's a recognised pattern and she's well within her rights to speak in generalities on that basis.

I don't know why it's so hard for some to just say 'I'm fortunate to not be in that position but I recognise this inequality is a real thing.' What's so difficult about that?

But what's the reaction then? Just to say "yeah it happens a lot. Men are shit" and just shrug and move on?

Maybe if it doesn't apply to you then just move on without feeling the need to comment on anything and everything?

We’ve just got back from a long weekend abroad and I completely agree. My usually perfectly capable husband didn’t even make himself a cup of coffee while we were away. I ended up doing absolutely everything.

I am so bloody exhausted.

It's funny how you are trying to reverse it. You start with ALL MEN .., I reply that it's not my experience at all

Just because that might not be your personal experience,
and your personal experience is not universal

And again, many of us find holidays EASIER with young kids and kids in general than staying home. So what? The OP is starting a discussion, so yes, I can come and share my point of view, that's what forums are for.

Otherwise just stick to chatgpt and tell it to agree with you on every point.

I think many women like to be on a thread surrounded by other women saying that. My mum seemed to actually enjoy being with other women all chatting about how terrible men were. I suppose it made her feel better in some way and gave her ‘permission’ to stay in the situation, but it didn’t actually make anything better. Her life was still shit, she was taken for granted and may as well have been a single parent.

maybe it's necessary to point out that it's not a curse, or it's not "it's what it is" so nothing will ever change?

If you want to be a martyr and resign yourself to have a shit life, don't complain that others wouldn't stand for it and expect and have better. Because a dad and a mum are just as able to deal with anything and everything.

Kids are not neglected or suffering because they have gay dads or because they are raised by a single dad...