Cheeky, druggie fuckers. Nightmare in-laws and a funeral.

[SummerTomatoes]

Sorry it's a bit long.

I have a loving, hardworking DH who sadly lost his Dad recently. He unfortunately has a rather large and chaotic half family from when his Dad re married.

We decided to host the wake for his Dad's funeral and have the cars and hearse leave from ours in the morning. His Dad had 8 children so everyone being able to get into the procession cars was never an option. As we were getting ready to leave his youngest half brother and partner (cheeky, fucker, druggies)plus their toddler arrived and asked which car they were in. By now all procession cars were taken. We explained that no one had heard from them and the cars were now driving away. He was visibly annoyed saying that it was his Dad too etc and had a right to be in the car.

It then transpired that they had no transport (the don't drive) to get there and asked my son who has recently passed his test. He is a sweet lad who said yes but I wasn't comfortable as they, of course didn't have a car seat for their toddler and I wasn't happy to jeopardised my son's driving licence. I said no but they convinced him anyway.

Back at the wake after they continued to be absolute nightmares. Dumping their little son on anyone they could find and leaving the wake for periods of time. When DH found them they were both lying on the ground at the end of our small cul de sac laughing and smoking weed (I hope) whilst the neighbours looked on from there gardens. As the day progresses, he gets more rowdy and she gets more spaced. He starts blaming the deceased for all his bad luck on life saying he was an abusive fuck (at the man's funeral!!) and she is smiling, playing with the kids but also disappear all the time.

I want them out as inevitably the wake becomes an evening party but DH feels bad for them and wants them to stay. They state they've missed the last train and DH puts them up at a travel lodge. By the end of the evening I've had enough and call them out on their shitty behaviour and even tell them that their kid should not be living with them. I don't usually drink but a couple of proceccos fulled my rage.

The next day my usually placid DH is upset with me today saying I was totally out of order and judgy all day and is now giving me the silent treatment.
AIBU to have boundaries in my own house??

Nobody covered themselves in glory there.

@JazzyJelly please explain. It was a stressful day made worse by they absolutely useless pair of wasters.

Blimey. That's a hell of a day. Sounds like your final speech to them was harsh but I can see why you ended up there. Maybe apologise to your DH for upsetting him on a difficult day? And then give him some space. He must know their behaviour wasn't great but doesn't want to face it.

Inclined to agree.

Yes their behaviour wasn't acceptable but that doesn't make anyone calling them out on that at the wake any better. DHs extended paternal family are travellers and whilst some are lovely, some appear to really push the negative stereotype. There's been quite a few family gatherings where biting tongue has been necessary. A firm the wake is over would you like directions to the travel lodge or can you navigate yourself would have been better for your DH. Possibly with a call to follow to SS re potential substance use around their DC.

This has been a long time coming. They have persistently been a pain in the arse every time they've been around in the last few years. He's got in fights, they've smoked weed on our property, slagged off other family members. I have limits.

I think you were pretty restrained OP. I'd possibly have thrown punches. They sound like absolute assholes.

I don't want to apologise to DH as he's being a push over. He's too nice for his own good.

I do think organising cars is an all or nothing thing, you can’t organise cars for done dc and not others. Cars are optional, easier to say no cars clearly in the instructions and to meet at the crematorium to save the fuss

I think you were remarkably restrained, OP.

I, however, would have told them to fuck off quite some time beforehand.

You DH was at his dad's funeral. He already had those two to deal with and instead of being supportive for one day, you moaned and even tried to pick a fight with them.

You are definitely not innocent in all this and he's justified in his feelings today.

Yeah, you behaved badly too. Not as badly, but badly. It was a funeral. Your DH’a dad, his half brother. Not the time or place for you to share your thoughts. You weren’t wrong in your opinions - just didn’t need to be shared there and then. Being drunk doesn’t excuse it either.

Funerals are terrible at the best of times. Let some time pass. Let it die down. Bear in mind your DH will need much more time than you do.

Thanks @PuppiesProzacProsecco I feel the same. I haven't even gone into half the stuff they do but this was at our house, in front of our neighbours and it was totally unreasonable.

They sound awful, but it was a stressful time for you DH, and you added to that stress. The best option is to apologise but resolve to limit further exposure to them, particularly in your own home. This isn't the time to battle it out with your DH, though, if you think he may disagree. His grief is still fresh. Just make peace with him and try to forget your infuriating in-laws. As enraging as they are, he's still your husband's brother, and he probably doesn't want to make the relationship worse than it already is.

I am not doubting for a moment that your anger towards the CF's was justified, but bear your DH's feelings in mind.
I found, both times that I lost a parent, that I was touchier and more easily upset than usual; things that I could have dealt with calmly, despite being annoyed, really got under my skin.
Could you consider that his course of action was his way of coping with grief and distress? Perhaps he was secretly worried that if he finally let rip, he would go to further extremes and cause an irreparable family breach?
Better to let tempers cool before an honest conversation; from the sounds of it, this crisis has been brewing for a long time.

Did they share a Dad? Because if so, you called out the son of the dead man in the home of another son of the dead man.

They are clearly awful, but you can’t criticise people at the funeral of their parent. You just have to organise around the cheeky arseholes.

This. It was also the half brother’s dad’s funeral. Their feelings trump yours. If this was just a family BBQ you would be reasonable, but it wasn’t your event to call out bad behaviours at.

But you knew what they are like and if you couldn’t keep a civil tongue in your head for your DH’s sake on such a difficult day then you shouldn’t have hosted the wake. Or had alcohol.

This sounds like it is not a common problem, to have to put up with him
Yes, he was a twat. No, you don't want him there (i get that) but like it or not he is family of DH and it is a irregular occurrence.
Can you not just shut up and put up for this instance.
Everyone has to deal with things they don't like now and again. That's life.

I think you're being very dismissive about the fact that the brother claimed his dad was abusive towards him. How one child sees their upbringing is very different to how another one might. You don't know what went on in their childhood to cause him to say this. Funerals tend to bring this kind of thing to the surface.
You've probably heard your husband's side of the story, but you won't know how his father acted towards his brother, you don't know what was said when your husband wasn't at home and you don't get to be so judgmental about that.
I agree, that on the face of things, he and his partner acted terribly, but, as I said before, funerals and the death of a parent bring all kinds of things to the surface that may not have been spoken about for years.

And you know what, you chose to have the wake in full view of your neighbours. You chose to be unable to get away from the bad behaviour. If it had been held in a pub or hotel you could have left.
The misbehaving son didn’t choose to misbehave in your house and street- that was where you put him.

And did people really think he wouldn’t be at his dad’s funeral? So made no provision for getting him there? How old is he? If he had t done a funeral before he may have no idea and just assume he wouldn’t be put in a car because that’s what you see on tv. I was taken aback at my first few funerals- people assumed I would be driving various elderly relatives and assumed I’d clean my car in preparation. It hadn’t crossed my mind.

Yes they share a dad but the bil has always made it abundantly clear that he he hated his Dad and blames him for the way he turned out. Not exactly a grieving son.

They sound an absolute nightmare however this was your husbands family and his dad's wake, you should have let your husband deal with them. Having the wake at yours sounds like it was a bad idea you could have had a "tea" at a hotel and everyone could have gone home.

Hopefully your husband has time to process the day and comes roundhe might never see it your way though.

Sounds awful for you OP and I'm not surprised you lost your rag. But honestly you should write this experience down as a script and send it to the BBC. It would make a cracking play.

And what about my son's driving licence at stake? Demanding they go in his car without a seat for a 3 yr old?

I'm honestly surprised by some of these answers.

A boundary is saying what you will allow to happen but having a go at someone is just that. A boundary would have been saying you’re unhappy with their behaviour and it’s time for them to leave. I think for DH’s sake you shouldn’t have caused a a scene at his Dad’s wake and you should aplogise.

It sounds like you won’t have to see DH’s half siblings again.