Cheeky, druggie fuckers. Nightmare in-laws and a funeral.

[SummerTomatoes]

Sorry it's a bit long.

I have a loving, hardworking DH who sadly lost his Dad recently. He unfortunately has a rather large and chaotic half family from when his Dad re married.

We decided to host the wake for his Dad's funeral and have the cars and hearse leave from ours in the morning. His Dad had 8 children so everyone being able to get into the procession cars was never an option. As we were getting ready to leave his youngest half brother and partner (cheeky, fucker, druggies)plus their toddler arrived and asked which car they were in. By now all procession cars were taken. We explained that no one had heard from them and the cars were now driving away. He was visibly annoyed saying that it was his Dad too etc and had a right to be in the car.

It then transpired that they had no transport (the don't drive) to get there and asked my son who has recently passed his test. He is a sweet lad who said yes but I wasn't comfortable as they, of course didn't have a car seat for their toddler and I wasn't happy to jeopardised my son's driving licence. I said no but they convinced him anyway.

Back at the wake after they continued to be absolute nightmares. Dumping their little son on anyone they could find and leaving the wake for periods of time. When DH found them they were both lying on the ground at the end of our small cul de sac laughing and smoking weed (I hope) whilst the neighbours looked on from there gardens. As the day progresses, he gets more rowdy and she gets more spaced. He starts blaming the deceased for all his bad luck on life saying he was an abusive fuck (at the man's funeral!!) and she is smiling, playing with the kids but also disappear all the time.

I want them out as inevitably the wake becomes an evening party but DH feels bad for them and wants them to stay. They state they've missed the last train and DH puts them up at a travel lodge. By the end of the evening I've had enough and call them out on their shitty behaviour and even tell them that their kid should not be living with them. I don't usually drink but a couple of proceccos fulled my rage.

The next day my usually placid DH is upset with me today saying I was totally out of order and judgy all day and is now giving me the silent treatment.
AIBU to have boundaries in my own house??

But he will still be grieving: for the father he didn't have. He will be so mixed up with anger and sadness and pain. And people who take drugs deal with their feelings by taking drugs. It doesn't make it OK that they did this publically, though.

On a different day, I wouldn't necessarily have thought you were completely wrong.

At your DH's Dad's funeral, you should have been guided by what he wanted and restrained yourself.

I don't think it makes any sense that they deserve to be dobbed into social services but then not to be called out on their behaviour.

I agree they should be supported by social services, and also agree they should be told.

Leaving their child to smoke drugs? A slap wouldn't have been too far.

It's a tough one. They took the piss and any other day I would say you were 100% right. However, it was your DHs and his brothers dad's funeral, I don't think that's the time for you to be speaking your mind about his family. Trying to prevent your son driving them, fine, 'calling them out' at the end of the evening and saying they shouldn't have their child is not okay. Have you reported them to SS, or are you actually not that concerned and just having a dig?
Judging someone's family on the day they bury their father is very insensitive and could be seen as a personal attack on DH or an attack on the deceased. Did your DH have any comments on the brother saying his dad was abusive? Maybe DH knows his dad was abusive so has some sympathy for what his brother is going through.

@SummerTomatoes

I think you put your feelings above the fact that your DH was already having a really emotional / stressful day.

I don't think your behaviour was helpful in any way.

I don't condone their behaviour in any way but time and place - your DH was already having a really hard day burying his Dad.

Death and grief is complex. It's possible to 'hate' someone and still grieve their death. Their father's funeral/wake wasn't the time or place for your outburst.

This is not an isolated incident. They are a nightmare late 20s but act stupidly.

She is not aggressive or trouble, just spaced and not with it. He will start on anyone. Last time we saw them he was off his face and ruining another family day. He was arrested on a train on the way back for being threatening to her and the baby according to relatives. She backs him up.

I don't want them back but according to our family WhatsApp were going to keep the family Toby meeting up monthly.

@SummerTomatoes you are writing a lot about their bad behaviour to justify your outburst but you are not taking on board what some of us are saying which is that, on an awful day for your DH, restraint might have been kinder. For him.

I'm 100% on your side here @SummerTomatoes but I'm not sure what the best approach is.

YWBU to bring it up on the day of their dads funeral.

It doesn’t matter how they usually act, both DH and his brother were grieving and u would have expected less than perfect behaviour.

They do need pulling up on it but not on that day and especially not alcohol fuelled.

Why is your opinion more important than your DHs?

This was one of the hardest days for your DH and his brother and they just wanted to grieve for their dad, whether they liked him or not.

Where are the other siblings in this? You have to let your dh (and his siblings) deal with this, and their father’s funeral was definitely not the time to have had enough. Do what you need to to ensure the child’s welfare, report to ss as needed.

You where disrespectful to you grieving DH buy causing drama at his dads funeral, its not your family and not your place. Its not about 'cheeky, druggy, fuckers' as you keep saying its about you DH who you made things harder for on already one of the worst days of his life buy drunkingly lashing out at his family.

It was not the time or place.

Bigger issue is why did your DS BREAK THE LAW and ENDANGER A CHILD to give someone a lift?

Imagine if he had crashed a killed a toddler, he would have to live with it forever as well as looking at a jail sentence. Being 'strong armed' by CF is not a legal defense to breaking the law, the onus would be entirely on him as the one that committed the illegal act. Its always on the DRIVER to ensure passengers as restrained safely in line with the law.

If I were you OP, I’d apologise to DH for how you spoke to his brother. Why on earth wouldn’t you?

i’d stick to your guns about them not being welcome at your home. They sound awful and you have the right not to spend time with people who disrespect you. Whether your DH continues to see him outside of the home is up to him, and he shouldn’t feel guilted either way.

but I hope that you reflect on your part in yesterday’s drama. You were out of line in the way you spoke to a bereaved relative.

I hope you don't fall off your high hoarse because it would be a long hard fall. You should have parked the vitriol for one day.

Yes we get it, you hate them. But there is a time and a place for everything and a funeral is not where you should be drinking up the courage to confront people.

This.

Your intransigence is not a good look.

I am too.

You gave out to your DH youngest brother at his Dad's funeral turned evening party and said he shouldn't have custody of his child, because he was upset at his Dad's funeral and acted up?

Wow.

This makes it worse to be honest. You know who they are and exactly what to expect from them, their behaviour wasn't surprising.

You've had several incidents where you could have confronted them, why did you think your FIL's funeral was the appropriate time?

You were drunk too!!! All of you behaved like utter trash.

Why is it that not a single one of you called the police when these people were clearly doing drugs? The police and then social services should have been called. You should definitely contact social services now!!

From the sounds of it - the deceased wasn’t a good person. It is not up to you to judge.

But I certainly wouldn’t put up with your husband treating you like you are the problem when he’s the one who didn’t take the trash out.

They can meet up - just not with you in attendance and certainly not at your house.

You don’t have to associate with trash.

I think YANBU at all! Weird responses. I’d be calling SS about their neglect of their son, it’s not fair to just be a bystander to drug use around kids.

@missrabbit1990 OP has been aware for some time that this has been an occurrence around their child. Why only want to do something about it now? Just trying to make themselves feel better for their own poor behaviour. The child is being used as a weapon here, not out of concern.

You are being VVV unreasonable with this comment.

YOU can’t decide if someone is grieving or not.

It is not as simple as that.

I can understand he wanted to be in the car with his siblings in the coffin procession. And the fact he doesn't own a car doesn't make him Satan incarnate. I think it should've been arranged that he had a place in the funeral cars. It was his Dad.

But the fact he started slagging off the deceased is out of order. Unfortunately calling him out on it probably wasn't the best thing to do. Though I do understand you were at the end of your rope.

I hope you and your husband can make up. It was a tense time but the funeral is over now. Just keep your distance from this younger brother and his family as much as possible.

I’d have been calling social work the minute he was lying in the street doing drugs.

he might have had a shit father but he can get his act together. Funeral or not you look after your child.