Cheeky, druggie fuckers. Nightmare in-laws and a funeral.

[SummerTomatoes]

Sorry it's a bit long.

I have a loving, hardworking DH who sadly lost his Dad recently. He unfortunately has a rather large and chaotic half family from when his Dad re married.

We decided to host the wake for his Dad's funeral and have the cars and hearse leave from ours in the morning. His Dad had 8 children so everyone being able to get into the procession cars was never an option. As we were getting ready to leave his youngest half brother and partner (cheeky, fucker, druggies)plus their toddler arrived and asked which car they were in. By now all procession cars were taken. We explained that no one had heard from them and the cars were now driving away. He was visibly annoyed saying that it was his Dad too etc and had a right to be in the car.

It then transpired that they had no transport (the don't drive) to get there and asked my son who has recently passed his test. He is a sweet lad who said yes but I wasn't comfortable as they, of course didn't have a car seat for their toddler and I wasn't happy to jeopardised my son's driving licence. I said no but they convinced him anyway.

Back at the wake after they continued to be absolute nightmares. Dumping their little son on anyone they could find and leaving the wake for periods of time. When DH found them they were both lying on the ground at the end of our small cul de sac laughing and smoking weed (I hope) whilst the neighbours looked on from there gardens. As the day progresses, he gets more rowdy and she gets more spaced. He starts blaming the deceased for all his bad luck on life saying he was an abusive fuck (at the man's funeral!!) and she is smiling, playing with the kids but also disappear all the time.

I want them out as inevitably the wake becomes an evening party but DH feels bad for them and wants them to stay. They state they've missed the last train and DH puts them up at a travel lodge. By the end of the evening I've had enough and call them out on their shitty behaviour and even tell them that their kid should not be living with them. I don't usually drink but a couple of proceccos fulled my rage.

The next day my usually placid DH is upset with me today saying I was totally out of order and judgy all day and is now giving me the silent treatment.
AIBU to have boundaries in my own house??

I agree with the general consensus on the thread here, OP. I sympathise with you as they sound very difficult to deal with, but the day of the funeral and wake was not the time or the place for you to put your foot down. You do owe your husband an apology for making an incredibly difficult day even harder for him. Emotions got the better of everyone. You need to accept your part in it.

Completely agree. It was your DH family, you should have kept your opinions to yourself. You behaved just as bad as them by starting an argument at a wake

This, I’m afraid. They were objectively far worse but causing a drunken scene isn’t ideal either op. I’m sorry this happened, and I’m sorry your husband is now angry with you, it does seem a bit misplaced. Funerals rarely bring the best out in people.
Re your son, he needs to learn to stand up for himself and not make piss poor, unsafe decisions with his driving, he’ll get himself into mischief or worse. Cheeky fuckers will, invariably, act like cheeky fuckers but he needs to get a backbone.

And yet despite there being ongoing problems, you chose the day of your FIL’s funeral to air your issues?

What about my son’s licence?

If your son isn’t responsible enough to put his foot down in order to follow the law, he has no business being behind the wheel of a car.

You seem to have more empathy for your neighbours having to look at them smoking weed than you do for your own husband! Not sure that bit about the neighbours was even relevant?
It was their dad's funeral. Could you really not bite your tongue for one day and just support your DH? I'd be really hurt if my partner caused more drama on one of the most stressful days of my life. It was not a day about you or your boundaries, it was a day to make sure your DH was ok

I think you've behaved very poorly yourself and you seem completely closed to the idea that there's any other way of viewing the situation but your own. Which begs the question why bother posting for opinions?

Your husband himself says that you spent the entire day judging his brother. Not supporting him, but judging his brother. He feels let down and angry. Instead of dismissing his feelings and blaming it on him being a pushover, why not reflect on what he's saying about the way you made him feel on one of his hardest days?

His brother sounds very troubled and his behaviour was dreadful. It seems that you spent the day actively trying to "catch" him and panicking about what the neighbours would think, and in doing so you escalated tensions and poured petrol on the fire. The decision to book insufficient cars to transport all the children was either extremely poorly thought out or deliberately exclusionary. I believe that it's the latter and that you heavily influenced that decision in order to send your own message to your husband's youngest brother. There should have been cars for all children of the deceased or none at all. It's unsurprising that this huge snub set off the chain of events that occurred, given the the fact your husband's brother is troubled, had a difficult relationship with his father, and emotions were clearly running high.

Sounds to me like you happily lit the touch paper and didn't care one jot for the impact on your husband.

Also OP being drunk at the funeral was really quite out of line in general.

1. you where host

and

2. its not your loss (your DH and his siblings being drunk makes more sense)

You are acting like this was a party at your house to celebrate you that you where there to 'enjoy', it wasn't. It was an event for mourning of the dead by the grief stricken family and was hosted by you (the non grieving member who should have remained sober to host so your partner could grieve his dad).

I’ve no doubt, but the day of FIL funeral was not the day to do it.

I feel sorry for your DH.

Agreed. Really not done.

Who cares what the neighbours think?

@SummerTomatoes From your description of events, your DH's half brother and partner's seemed selfish, not just to others at the funeral but to their own child and you were right about the car seat (we believe our child's high-back car seat saved her life when our car was hit at high speed coming towards us on our side of the road - would also advise against putting a young child in the front seat ever.) Sorry for the digression. I can relate to your side of this. Your DH half brother and partner have serious issues (i'm not trying to say whose fault those issues are because they sound deep-rooted) but likely to have serious consequences for the rest of the family and it seems natural to be concerned about these but it also sounds like you have known they had drug issues for a while and how to manage what could happen at the funeral could have been considered beforehand. I really do have sympathy as you started in the right but lost it and I admit I've done this before but if your DH dislikes confrontation, it probably would have been best to bite your lip and prevent the volcano inside from erupting. I honestly know how irritating it feels when watching selfish people put others at risk of harm but to avoid this happening again, consider apologising to DH for what was said on the day and discuss your concerns about DH's half brother and partner going off to smoke weed etc... (They should have asked if they could borrow a car seat from someone but for those who don't drive, I kind of see how they may have forgotten the need to ask about a car seat). You don't have to like them but try to keep things calm for their child as you know their child is likely to suffer due to their behaviour and deserves better.

Going forward. Contact social services with your concerns which aren't a one off. A three year old living in chaos is at risk.

Don't socialise with them monthly any more.

Wow!

For clarity, take from the original post:
As the day progresses, he gets more rowdy and she gets more spaced. He starts blaming the deceased for all his bad luck on life saying he was an abusive fuck (at the man's funeral!!)

For everyone out there saying the OP was unjustified because it was her DH family, WHY?
The BIL & SIL were getting “spaced” and tarnishing the memory of the deceased.

I would have thought this would be a perfectly acceptable reason for someone to step in and tell these “grieving” family members to leave.

I wouldn't say their behaviour was really that bad. Unless they are generally irresponsible with their kids, I wouldn't judge someone on the way they dealt with their father's funeral. And even if there was a general concern the day of the funeral wasn't the time to raise it. Plus, if they're in that much of a state, why would you send them on their way with young children? He also has a right to feel negative emotions about his dead father and if he was abusive, it would have been a very complicated day.

I think it's disrespectful to tell people the appropriate way to deal with their own grief. "Respectful celebration of life" for whom? What is the right way to act at the funeral of someone who abused you? And who gets to tell you you're behaving the wrong way? How is popping out for a smoke turning it into a block party? Having a few drinks is hardly unheard of at a wake. And why is it presumptuous for him to be hurt that his other siblings were given cars and he and his family weren't?

In general yes it does sound like there are problems in this family. But this was his dad's funeral, he was with his family, I don't think it was right to get so judgemental in this moment and go off on them that day.

What do you mean, ‘turned up without warning’? He’s the deceaseds’ son FFS!

Firstly, the OP says they didn’t know they were attending the funeral due to their lack of communication - why would any family pay extra for funeral cars on the off chance low contact family members “might” decide to attend.

No one has any right to tell anyone how to grieve but a funeral is about paying respect. If you have been “abused” and despised the dead so badly, DONT GO. You don’t turn up and make a display because as you quite rightly say, grief is personal.

Going out for a “quiet smoke” is very different to laying out on someone else’s property, smoking illegal substances in the presence of a child and to the extent it loosens your tongue enough to offend other people.

If you think this behaviour is acceptable, you need to take a long hard look closer to home.

Whilst I appreciate people with addiction problems have often suffered a difficult life, after years of working with them I have now lost all tolerance. Your DH can do all he can for these people - they will remain arseholes and they will ruin their kid's life. So no, YANBU

You may be right about your DH's family and perhaps some of your behaviour was due to frustration.

But....you put your own feelings of frustration ahead of your DH's grief on the day of his father's funeral. It was the absolute worst time to be calling anyone out. And the fact you refuse to acknowledge or apologise for this makes me think that you are very dominant in your marriage, which may contribute to your DH being a "pushover".

Doesn't necessarily mean that he would turn up. If you hate someone that much you might not care to pay your respects.

I don't drink or smoke myself so you're off the mark. But your judgemental tone does not surprise me. Some people are a little more open minded about the complexity and humanity of moments like this. I think funerals are the wrong time and place for moralising. If there are genuine concerns about the children, how can those children be supported by the family? I also think there sounds like there could be domestic abuse involved. Calling people druggies, insulting them and kicking them out does nothing to help anyone in this situation, including the children.

Its THEIR memories of THEIR father and THEIR life experience.

OP has absolutely no right to correct them or tell them their grief is wrong.

This is not OPs loss or OPs family or something OP grew up with, she needed to wind her neck in.

It’s irrelevant how many years they had behaved badly, you do not opt to tackle poor behaviours at their dads funeral or wake.

simply don’t go to the monthly Toby meet up. also call the police with any serious incidents and let the police/social care do their job.

You're far more concerned about what the neighbours might say (who will have seen it was a funeral and probably understand that's a tense and emotional time and things might happen) than the fact you've upset your grieving DH...