Cheeky, druggie fuckers. Nightmare in-laws and a funeral.

[SummerTomatoes]

Sorry it's a bit long.

I have a loving, hardworking DH who sadly lost his Dad recently. He unfortunately has a rather large and chaotic half family from when his Dad re married.

We decided to host the wake for his Dad's funeral and have the cars and hearse leave from ours in the morning. His Dad had 8 children so everyone being able to get into the procession cars was never an option. As we were getting ready to leave his youngest half brother and partner (cheeky, fucker, druggies)plus their toddler arrived and asked which car they were in. By now all procession cars were taken. We explained that no one had heard from them and the cars were now driving away. He was visibly annoyed saying that it was his Dad too etc and had a right to be in the car.

It then transpired that they had no transport (the don't drive) to get there and asked my son who has recently passed his test. He is a sweet lad who said yes but I wasn't comfortable as they, of course didn't have a car seat for their toddler and I wasn't happy to jeopardised my son's driving licence. I said no but they convinced him anyway.

Back at the wake after they continued to be absolute nightmares. Dumping their little son on anyone they could find and leaving the wake for periods of time. When DH found them they were both lying on the ground at the end of our small cul de sac laughing and smoking weed (I hope) whilst the neighbours looked on from there gardens. As the day progresses, he gets more rowdy and she gets more spaced. He starts blaming the deceased for all his bad luck on life saying he was an abusive fuck (at the man's funeral!!) and she is smiling, playing with the kids but also disappear all the time.

I want them out as inevitably the wake becomes an evening party but DH feels bad for them and wants them to stay. They state they've missed the last train and DH puts them up at a travel lodge. By the end of the evening I've had enough and call them out on their shitty behaviour and even tell them that their kid should not be living with them. I don't usually drink but a couple of proceccos fulled my rage.

The next day my usually placid DH is upset with me today saying I was totally out of order and judgy all day and is now giving me the silent treatment.
AIBU to have boundaries in my own house??

Your son should have said no. No one is saying that they’re behaviour was acceptable but everyone is saying your behaviour was unacceptable.

Again, you don't actually know that he's not justified in blaming his dad for certain aspects of his life. You also don't get to say if he's grieving or not. Family relationships are very complicated. I didn't grow up with my dad, I hated him because we went without so much due to my mum being a single mum and having no money. However, when I heard he'd died, I felt grief at the not having known him, at how different our lives might have been, and at how my mum had treated me at certain points in my life.
Even my husband, who has always got my back, might say something bad about my mum and the way she was when I was growing up, and I still get annoyed with him for doing so. It's so bloody complicated. I'm not saying the brother didn't act badly, but I am saying, I think you should have left it to your husband to deal with the aftermath, he probably didn't appreciate you getting involved in family matters in this way.

I am assuming your son is adult enough to make his own decisions, which he did probably so there wasn't a scene. Look your father in law is dead you probably wont have to deal with them again, you probably need to let it go and stop seething about it.

Of course he is a grieving son just like your husband. Its a very different type of grief losing a family member your not close too but still grief. Yes they behaved badly as you would have expected as doesn’t sound like they have ever been different but his dad’s funeral Probably wasn’t the time or place to pipe up.

in hindsight it would of been easier to have the wake somewhere else if you are so worried about what the neighbours think.

You got steamin and did the I’ve never like you and I’m going to tell you why speech. What did you think would actually happen? Did you think they would immediately stop in the tracks? Consider their parenting and Adopt more sensitive child centric approach

They are his family is up to him. He deals with them including all the Foibles the swearing their behaviour.

Your role was to support him to remain neutral. You didn’t do that you didn’t support him and you allowed yourself to get emotionally over involved and had a drunken rant

A funeral people can and will say what’s on their minds and if the person who was deceased was an unpleasant person then you can’t really expect people to waffle on some platitudes. If their experience of the deceased was that they were a nasty fuck then that’s their experience.

edits tons of autocorrect typos

Oh OP. You made a bad situation a lot worse. Poor timing to take a stand against them really.

At any other event I would think you were completely in the right. But this was your DH's dad's funeral. You shouldn't have called anyone out unless he was happy for you to do so.

I would have called social services as soon as I could though! They sound completely unfit to be parents.

It is up to your son. He is an adult. You are using him to project your own issues.
Also he would not lose his license in these circumstances. It is perfectly legal for a 3 year old to travel without a car seat in an unplanned situation.

I was not steaming, I had a couple of proceccos when I usually don't drink.

I will absolutely inform social services. They are unfit parents.

You should have waited till after the wake, the next day, to address their behaviour. I think your dh already had enough to deal with.

Do this if you feel it is necessary, don't do it because you are fuming at this situation not working out the way you thought it would.

I’m just thinking of the wee 3 year old.
🥲
What hope has he/she ?

You're being very defensive and refusing to accept responsibility for what you did. You keep listing off their faults and things they've done wrong but that doesn't change anything.

You've actually shown concern for what the neighbours would think but you haven't mentioned your husband's feelings in this.

Yes we get it, you hate them. But there is a time and a place for everything and a funeral is not where you should be drinking up the courage to confront people.

@deeahgwitch it breaks my heart. I know for a fact they are bringing him up in an absolute shit hole. Chaotic and they deny seem to care. According to DH, they are just at the early help stage as he is okay.

It was wrong to involve your son, and he needs a chat when things are calmer explaining just how serious the repercussions were for him. However he was at his grandad’s funeral and an upset was brewing so he tried to help. An uber would have been a better call. And someone older and more experienced having considered their need for a lift ahead of time.

He will have been grieving. He will have been grieving the dad he wished he had, the dad who’ll never apologise or make peace with, the dad he remembers some happy times with, if not many.

Funerals can often bring out the worst in people, pent up emotions, the unsaid, alcohol, its all a bit much for some.

You should have kept it to yourself, you cant tell people how to feel after death, some dont like the dead but can be sad for the past and their family.

You should apologise.. emotions running high.. and try to move on - your sons license is on your son to worry about, its his responsibility, if he was caught it would be on him.

Your son is an adult who is responsible for his own driving licence.

If he is responsible enough to drive a car, he should be responsible enough to say no when it comes to doing something that might endanger a child and isn't legal.

I'm not sure why you are blaming your inlaws for your own son's lack of responsibility.

I don't blame you OP, they deserved it. They expected to be looked after, driven around, given somewhere to stay and have their child minded while giving nothing back not even basic manners. They disrespected your DH and you, they were guests in your home. A funeral is not the place to slag people off, but they started it.

I'm very sorry for your loss.
Funerals and wakes are never easy and emotions are always raw. Nobody behaved particularly well and maybe it would have been better to hold your tongue, about their totally unacceptable and disrespectful behaviour, given the circumstances. This is your excuse to keep your distance from them in the future.
What is done is done so put it behind you, be there to support your husband at a difficult time and try to remember the happier times you spent with your father-in-law.

It just wasn't the day to do it.

They sound awful, but tbh, nobody is going to show their best self at the funeral of a parent who they feel let them down.

It was shitty not to ensure that there was space in the cars for all of the man’s children and grandchildren. That will have been upsetting for them.

Another AIBU where the poster clearly doesn't want to hear other points of view and is completely convinced they were in the right. Why ask?

I feel sorry for your DH. Sounds like you made one of the most difficult days of his life even more difficult.

First comment nails it. Nobody behaved well and I think calling someone out for being high/drunk at their dad's wake is pretty poor. Nobody will use their licence for taking a 3 year old with no car seat to their grandfather's funeral.

I don't blame you one bit, OP. And good on you for saying your piece. It needed saying.

I've no doubt that it's been a long time coming and is well said /deserved.

But...

The husband you love lost his dad. Its a mind shattering experience for most people. Your DH needed you to be by his side.

Instead, you chose this moment to call his family out on something that could have waited another day?

I think YABU @SummerTomatoes and you should apologise, move on and help your DH through his grief.