Cheeky, druggie fuckers. Nightmare in-laws and a funeral.

[SummerTomatoes]

Sorry it's a bit long.

I have a loving, hardworking DH who sadly lost his Dad recently. He unfortunately has a rather large and chaotic half family from when his Dad re married.

We decided to host the wake for his Dad's funeral and have the cars and hearse leave from ours in the morning. His Dad had 8 children so everyone being able to get into the procession cars was never an option. As we were getting ready to leave his youngest half brother and partner (cheeky, fucker, druggies)plus their toddler arrived and asked which car they were in. By now all procession cars were taken. We explained that no one had heard from them and the cars were now driving away. He was visibly annoyed saying that it was his Dad too etc and had a right to be in the car.

It then transpired that they had no transport (the don't drive) to get there and asked my son who has recently passed his test. He is a sweet lad who said yes but I wasn't comfortable as they, of course didn't have a car seat for their toddler and I wasn't happy to jeopardised my son's driving licence. I said no but they convinced him anyway.

Back at the wake after they continued to be absolute nightmares. Dumping their little son on anyone they could find and leaving the wake for periods of time. When DH found them they were both lying on the ground at the end of our small cul de sac laughing and smoking weed (I hope) whilst the neighbours looked on from there gardens. As the day progresses, he gets more rowdy and she gets more spaced. He starts blaming the deceased for all his bad luck on life saying he was an abusive fuck (at the man's funeral!!) and she is smiling, playing with the kids but also disappear all the time.

I want them out as inevitably the wake becomes an evening party but DH feels bad for them and wants them to stay. They state they've missed the last train and DH puts them up at a travel lodge. By the end of the evening I've had enough and call them out on their shitty behaviour and even tell them that their kid should not be living with them. I don't usually drink but a couple of proceccos fulled my rage.

The next day my usually placid DH is upset with me today saying I was totally out of order and judgy all day and is now giving me the silent treatment.
AIBU to have boundaries in my own house??

I know you said nobody had heard from them but they knew when the funeral was surely a space could have been reserved for them or at least him to go in the procession ? I know families are complicated but did nobody contact them with arrangements.

Awful experience for you, but I’m afraid in the disagreement with your Dh I’m on his side. I’ll never forget how much I dreaded my dad’s funeral. It was a complicated day with a frail ex-wife, a bereaved girlfriend with dementia and all sorts of potential horrors. None of which occurred. But oh God on that morning I felt as if I was heading towards a firing squad. And the funeral cars! For my dh’s funeral I found late on that a partially mobile important relative was going to arrive with his daughters and not enough seats in the funeral cars. I really upset someone by trying to redo the arrangements at the last minute in a cack handed way. I was all over the shop and the undertakers were frankly useless and it was all awful. The person I upset has basically never spoken to me again (though there were other reasons for that).

So. Your Dh will have been in a terrible state on the day. Pretty much everything he dreaded has now actually happened. And if I’m honest, all of those things were made more stressful for him by your reactions.

Funerals are a nightmare. Nobody is perfect. Apologise, and mean it, and I hope you can both move on.

I don't think he should have been placed in that position. But equally you could have swapped and gone with your son.

It's not a case that you aren't in the right, more was this the right time to express it and did it improve the situation any?

Btw I think it could just about have been argued that the 3 year old was on an unexpected, short, necessary journey, in which circumstances they can travel with an adult seat belt.

I would be inclined to sit down with your DH and say you are sorry he is upset.

You lost your rag because you couldn’t stand how disrespectful they were towards everyone. They were rude and presumptuous over the car incident and put your son at risk by having an unrestrained minor in the vehicle. They treated what should be a respectful, celebration of life as a neighbourhood block party. They spoke terribly of your FIL, tarnishing his memory. To top it off, their own child being neglected and subjected to drug use.

I would say that you love him, you are devastated for him and you accept that he is upset but would not take back any of what you have said because you speak the truth. You are right OP and when his level of grief has subsided he will agree with you too.

But this is exactly the way some people grieve !

I think in the first place, cars should have been provided for all offspring, so can see why they were frustrated they had no transport.
I would have then ordered a taxi for them, car seats are not compulsory in taxis.
They do sound like they behaved pretty badly at the funeral but funerals are hard, they evoke such mixed emotions for people and it sounds like he has some unhappy memories. That was really an issue for his siblings to face, not you.
You are not unreasonable to call SS if you have concerns for their child but I will just say that many parents smoke weed so you might not get much of a response. My neighbour deals. He has 5 kids. He smokes weed and takes coke. Kids have never been removed.

Your husbands dad has just died and your making a petty argument last? And to him you were judgey, he was happy to have them there and put them up. Maybe he had some comfort with siblings around. I'd be telling him to LTB if he wrote on here. How disgraceful.

I don’t, honestly.

I see a lot of school parents claiming all sorts of trips are “unexpected, emergency” trips - when what they actually mean is they hadn’t planned ahead and now it would be more convenient to go in a car. Trips to the park for example, with more kids than car seats. Or being offered an unexpected lift home from the supermarket by a friend they bumped into. They could walk, get the bus, or just not go, but it’s more convenient to have two kids unstrapped.

Same in this situation - lack of planning in BIL’s part does not constitute an emergency trip. He could easily have made other arrangements, it’s just more convenient to get in a car.

Funerals, like weddings, are a time for all sides to keep their mouths shut and act respectfully.

Your DH's family sounds a bit like my Mum's family. My Mum is the oldest of 6 and she and my Dad both had professional careers and were 'upstanding members of the community'. Her younger brothers were both alcholics and the youngest never managed to hold down a job. I don't know much about his parenting, but I know he walked out on his first partner leaving her with two small kids and went on to have more kids (and step-kids) with a woman who had very severe mental health problems, and their life together was clearly chaotic and they behaved badly at a number of family occassions. Despite this my Mum never failed to invite them to everything and met them where they were in terms of supporting their attendance - making sure that he had suitable clothing for funerals, arranging lifts, having a quiet word beforehand about drinking, having me or my brother on hand to keep him occupied whilst she hastily arranged a taxi to take him home after he'd clearly had too many and started making an arse of himself. I don't know what was different between my Mum's childhood and my Uncle's childhood but something obviously went wrong for him at some point and despite that my Mum always treated him with kindness and humanity. It sounds like that's what your DH and your son were trying to do for his step-brother, whereas you expecting him to behave according to your standards, although you knew his family was chaotic and everyone knows that funeral are often emotionally charged environments. And recognising that, no one in their right mind was going to prosecute your son for giving a toddler a lift without a seat in those circumstances. Honestly I think you should have focused on supporting your DH and smoothing things over as much as you can, rather than having a go at his clearly grieving younger brother. I think you owe DH an apology.

Your FILs funeral is not the place to behave the way both his DS and you behaved. Have you considered that this person may well have been abused?

That’s on your son though, unless they pointed a gun at him.

Maybe he has a point? Why should someone grieve for a person who they hate?

I'd apologise for the timing of the rant.

But not for the content.

I'd also have a word with your son about the responsibility of being a driver - ultimately, it is on him to stick to the conditions of his licence and not break the law and if he isn't responsible enough to do that, is he really responsible enough to drive at all?

If your DS is old enough to drive and own his own car, he’s old enough to say no. Did your DH speak to his brother before the funeral to check if he needed transport?

Maybe as this child’s aunt, you could do something practical to help support your brother in law and his partner?

I vote YABU but mainly because of the pejorative term “druggies”

It was your husband's stressful day. Your job on that day was to support him and do what he wanted to help him through. If that meant tolerating his brother for a few hours, then personally, I'd have done it. He wasn't abusive to you, and if he was offensive about his and your Hs father, your Hs views on that count more. I agree with you for stepping in to stop your son driving them. That is your business. The rest is your husband's.

But cars cost money and if the (horrendous) relatives don't respond to say that they're coming (or not), how do you know that you haven't booked a car unnecessarily?

Other than that, I have to say that my sympathy is with the OP. No, funerals (and weddings) aren't a great time to launch a few home truths but that seems to be the time that it all comes out and I must admit, had any of my relatives turned up without warning and then proceeded to get stoned in front of the neighbours, I would have chucked them out and sod booking them a hotel room. They could sleep in the gutter for all I would care.

Not the time for your feelings to take priority. For that reason you should apologise to your partner.

OP they sound horrible. I hope you never have to see them again, and I hope the toddler will be OK.

I’ve found (and heard from other people) that upsets at funerals are more common than you’d think, so don’t feel bad. People settling scores and telling home truths etc. Try to put it out of your mind as soon as you are able.

If you have any proof of the drug taking, I would report them to social services. Stop the next generation from being addicts

I do not for one second condone anyone taking drugs at a funeral (or full stop to be clear), however you couldn't come across anymore obnoxious if you tried. I hope the rest of your husband's siblings had a say in where the funeral procession went from. Your brother in law had just as much right as any other sibling to be in one of those cars, regardless of whether they drive or not.

I'd be more worried about supporting my husband and children, as opposed to worrying about what the neighbours thought. I'd also listen to a man who states he was abused by his father, and has found himself in difficulty in life, due to the emotional consequences that come along with suffering from abuse.

You have thrown yourself off the high horse you were on, and are absolutely no better than anyone else. I don't blame your husband for not wishing to speak to you. You could probably do with taking a look at how you behave towards others yourself.

Apart from your DH and the kids, everyone sounds like knobs, including yourself. A funeral or wake is absolutely not the time or place to judge or challenge someone harshly about their behaviour, particularly amid grief or mixed emotions burying the dead. You have no idea about his childhood. You should have cut them some slack, as your DH did. Politely asking them not to smoke weed in your garden would have been perfectly fine, going for the jugular is totally unacceptable.