Guess she wasn’t a true friend

[Rustymoo]

A friend had arranged a girlie day out with lunch at a local restaurant. As it was at a restaurant I hadn’t been to I checked the food hygiene rating (as I always do) it wasn’t good. I messaged the group to say I wasn’t coming and why. I then got a very aggressive message from the friend who’d organised it basically saying I was out of order for checking and how dare I put this on the group chat. Now if it was me I’d have been glad that the rating had been highlighted and I’d have arranged somewhere else. I found out today that she’s removed me from the group. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that you should be able to be honest with a friend and she really wasn’t such a good friend as I thought she was.

Yes I do.

Well you should know what a pita your behavior is. There were far more diplomatic ways to bring this to the organisers attention if you felt strongly about it, or maybe you just could not have gone.

Having witnessed someone suffer from salmonella after eating at a restaurant with a poor hygiene rating, I am firmly in the same camp as you in regards to checking hygiene ratings before eating somewhere new. However, I also accept that there are people who are perfectly happy to eat in lower rated places and that’s their choice.

In your shoes I would have privately messaged the organiser to say I wouldn’t be coming to the meal but happy to meet up for drinks afterwards and say why and also offer to book somewhere else if they wanted but totally understand if they didn’t want to change their plans.

No need to have put it on the group, no need to have announced you weren’t going.

A bit of diplomacy wouldn’t have gone amiss!

well I imagine you embarrassed her with your group message.

You should have messaged her privately and said you think you should change venue and if she didn’t want to you were going to pull out.

I think OP you’re the one who wasn’t a friend. You did something really horrible, and “it’s nothing personal” really shows a stunning lack of self awareness.

By going public in checking the restaurant you publicly said “Hey Friend, I don’t think you are competent to pick a restaurant”, then you topped it off with “It’s dirty”. I mean you wouldn’t really have insulted her much more if you had just told them all “Trust you to pick a dirty restaurant, you dirty bitch”.
So you went behind her back, you picked the absolute worst thing to tar her with, and you displayed a total lack of discretion.

So tell us again who was never really the friend? I would be so so hurt. She did the right thing excising you from her life.

You need new friends. I personally would have been grateful you pointed it out. Even if I wasn’t someone particular about hygiene ratings (I am!) I still can’t imagine being offended by you mentioning it.
My friend group arranged a meet up at a restaurant we had been to before, but their rating had dropped badly. One friend pointed it out as we got to the door. We thanked her for being so observant and found somewhere else.
Unless it was her restaurant, which you have said it isn’t, I don’t understand the issue. I don’t think it needed a personal rather than group message, or flowery apologetic words. It’s a restaurant, it’s nothing personal. You did nothing wrong.

So basically you shat on someone's idea, something they were probably looking forward to & you are wondering why they are upset?

Surely if it was so bad they’d shut it down? Legally they wouldn’t leave a place running that was dangerous?

seems like you were deliberately trying to undermine her. I bet it isn’t the first time either!

I would be grateful if someone pointed out a restaurant I was planning to eat at had a food hygiene rating of 1. I spent a night throwing up after a meal out not long ago, I later looked up the hygiene rating of the place I'd been to and it was 2. I've been more careful since then, I have a fairly sensitive stomach and food poisoning is horrible.

I was also part of a group that was planning a Christmas meal at a specific restaurant, the organiser found out it's hygiene rating had dropped and switched to another place. As several people have said, that's what the ratings are for.

Also I think if a place has a food hygiene rating of 1/5 that suggests quite serious issues rather than just paperwork. https://essentialfoodhygiene.co.uk/what-does-a-1-star-food-hygiene-rating-mean/

Personally I don't think you did anything wrong OP and if I was in the group I'd be relieved that you'd mentioned it. Better than not saying anything and half the people getting ill.

This. ^ I agree with the majority @Rustymoo Your behaviour was childish and unreasonable. No wonder your friend kicked off. I think YOU are the one that isn't a 'true friend.'

All I’m thinking is ‘like, don’t be uncool OP.’

Because it’s all a bit uncool to be checking food hygiene ratings and sharing with a group chat. You’re most likely over the age of thirty and you think you’re helping but it’s all a bit uncool. By all means don’t go, but let the others go, eat and come back and say it’s shit. Sometimes people don’t like being told what not to do. Just human nature.

Group chat etiquette is tough. If everyone agrees to do XYZ and W decides she knows best, it just pisses them off. You may be 100% right but a group chat just ain’t the place to do it.

Having visited a new restaurant, then been ill for a month. I'm very leery about eating out. Friend who's career has been in a public health lab says most food poisoning occurs when eating out rather than in the home 🙈.

I voted YANBU. Your friend seems very touchy to take such offence. If my friend suggested this to me and offered to look elsewhere and book a venue I would take her up on it. Not sure I would want to eat at a 1 rated restaurant myself.

I met a friend on Sunday in London. We both agreed on a restaurant then I made another suggestion (not based on hygiene ratings) and we went with my suggestion. If my friend had flounced off and decided she would never speak to me again for even making another suggestion then I would probably be rethinking our 30 year old friendship.

I never said the others could go and I certainly try to persuade them not to. They’re adults and can decide for themselves. The only person who had a problem was the friend who booked it.

I don't check hygiene ratings, but I can't see anything wrong with what you did and said. My friends would appreciate the information. I think your friend's response is extremely childish. Also, why does she get to remove you from the group? I'm afraid there would be no apology from me.
You've had some very strange responses on this thread.

So many responses are weird. I’d be glad to know and would have happily changed venue. She doesn’t own or cook at that venue so why the big fuss and tantrum over you saying the rating? I’d be so glad you had told me! Urgh to a 1star rating, yuck!

Thank you. I must admit I’ve been a bit taken aback by some of the responses, but hey ho, people are entitled to their opinion. She can because it’s a WhatsApp group and she’s the only group Admin and controls it. I’ve just had s message from a friend who’s in the group asking what’s going on. I’ve just replied. She better ask* though I think it stems from the restaurant fiasco. Friend has just replied wtf, ** needs to grow up!

Another one who would think you were ignorant, neurotic and hard work. I couldn't be friends with someone like you. Hygiene ratings are so heavily paperwork based and the system is flawed. I've never checked one nor have I ever been ill. It sounds as if you put a dampener on the whole thing. Msging her privately would've been socially acceptable.

Leery 🤣😆

25 years ago my friend got food poisoning from a lasagne in a cafe near work.
3 weeks later she was still having severe stomach problems.
Her GP sent a stool sample away and the Health Department contacted her directly to confirm where she ate.
She 100% knew where she ate and when.
I cannot remember the long name of the bacteria they found in her stool but they warned her to be careful because she would be likely susceptible to food poisoning going forward.

The cafe had an inspection and was closed for multiple breaches within days.
20 years later she is so careful because her stomach is very sensitive since that episode.

OP did her friends a favour flagging this.
That friend is a twit.

I mean, you sound like a complete PITA. If this is typical of your behaviour then perhaps it was the last straw?

Why are you taken aback? Especially when you can now recognize that you were the one who created The Restaurant Fiasco

And more importantly, having seen that other people would have felt as insulted as your friend did, can you understand why maybe next time you can go about things more discreetly.

I also think the passive aggressive “you need to ask X” is shit stirring. But it’s obvious you’re enjoying the drama now.

I’m not enjoying the drama. I asked friend to speak to to let her explain her reasons. Not shit stirring at all. was the one who removed me so she can do the explaining. Though from the messages I’ve been getting from others they think,she needs to grow up.