Guess she wasn’t a true friend

[Rustymoo]

A friend had arranged a girlie day out with lunch at a local restaurant. As it was at a restaurant I hadn’t been to I checked the food hygiene rating (as I always do) it wasn’t good. I messaged the group to say I wasn’t coming and why. I then got a very aggressive message from the friend who’d organised it basically saying I was out of order for checking and how dare I put this on the group chat. Now if it was me I’d have been glad that the rating had been highlighted and I’d have arranged somewhere else. I found out today that she’s removed me from the group. Am I being unreasonable in thinking that you should be able to be honest with a friend and she really wasn’t such a good friend as I thought she was.

They aren’t much in the way of friends either then are they? I’m pretty sure my friends are more loyal than that, and I definitely am.

It’s really surprising to me that not one person was prepared to defend their supposed friend at all in the conflict.

I’m pretty sure I would have picked up on the upset, and rather than dismissing her, I would have said something to you that it had been perceived as very unkind.
Or is that not how things work in your friendship group?

Nothing was said in the group chat, though I did get some pm thanking me for raising it. I suspect though that something would have been said behind my back when they were out. There’s two of the group who are quite cliquey with * . The friend that messaged me tonight didn’t go (not because of me) so really wasn’t aware of all this and is not part of the clique with A
If someone had said something to me along those lines I wouldn’t have been offended as I’d appreciate their honesty. I just feel the whole thing has been grown out of proportion tbh.

Sometimes a low rating also means place didn’t file paperwork in time. Posting in the group chat embarrassed the friend regardless and could have been handled better.

I get why you did it but if you had just messaged her first, she could have changed it and told the group (or if not you could have just not gone). The way you did it will have come across as you taking over @Rustymoo. She didn’t have to remove you but I can see how it happened 🫩

This is weirdly similar to a thread posted a few months back.

You should have just messaged her directly. It all sounds very dramatic the way it was done

You was rude.

I have worked in hospitality for 25 odd years and I can tell you that no place gets a 1 rating just for not filing paperwork. They're not bad enough to be closed down but believe me you wouldnt want to eat their food.

What sort of person books a meal out for a group of friends without consulting them about the choice of venue? Then when someone reasonably objects, she gets uppity.

There's lots of restaurants I wouldn’t choose to eat at and I wouldn’t appreciate someone else trying to spend my money for me!

She’s definitely not a good friend as she’s only interested in dominating the group.

I don't understand all the fuss. If I'd booked somewhere and someone said it was 1 rated, I'd likely reply ewww... Okay - not eating there then.
If I was the one pointing it out, I'd likely say rat piss on your chickeb? Not for me.

What is this group chat etiquette / raining on her parade... 8 people in the group. She's booked a table not a wedding reception.

I think it's rude to book somewhere without getting a general concensus anyway.

Shall we all go out? Firstly what food type then what what restaurant?

If the organiser takes umbrage with a no show due to rating, she's doing a disservice to all by continuing. I suspect you gave her an easy block OP. They probably found a 5 star rating after that and she was shedding no tears.

I don't even like chickeb.

I honestly can't help but feel some people here are focusing way too much on hurt feelings, I'm sure some or all of the other girls are grateful for what OP said

Also, I can't help but notice how OP is expected to be nice about it, yes she wasn't diplomatic true, but she wasn't really outright rude or offensive, simply straight, honest and upfront

Doesn't the other girls deserve to know about it either?

Isn't the entire point of being friends that you can be honest and upfront about things? If it was me I would be grateful to know the place I thought was good is actually bad

Maybe I'm also reading too much on some of the comments, but I kinda can't help but feel people attitude would be pretty different if the group of friends were all men, after all women are always expected to be nice no matter what

From reading people opinions in situations such as this one it makes it look like women friendships are like walking on eggshells, always need to be careful to not hurt each other

Honestly, I could see similar situation with men the others simply telling OP to stop being a wuss and move on, although OP would never live down that time he was a wuss about eating out :v

I’d have wanted to know (and it’s not occurred to me to check these things though I’m v hygiene conscious IRL), so thanks for this thread.

That said, I can see why sending the message in a group text pissed her off rather than a private DM. It’s like flakey people that drop out of an event last minute in the group chat, which often encourages a flurry of other flakey dropouts who were undecided. Better to DM the host/ organiser re any negative info/ last minute cancellations for an event, as otherwise it can be quite a downer for group dynamics.

Removing you from the group is a complete overreaction through

That works for some groups but for others it means nothing ever gets booked. I prefer an agreeing dates as a group, and then having a decisive person make the venue choice, with everyone else having the right to veto if there’s something horrifically wrong with that choice (I.e. no vegetarian/ vegan menu).

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5350344-stretch-the-truth-to-avoid-going-out-to-dinner?reply=144888211

Your behaviour was socially inappropriate and will have made her feel embarrassed. Try to imagine putting the effort in to organise something and then it being dismissed in front of everyone. You should have pm’d her. I’d apologise so when the group meet & inevitably discuss your message you will, at least have your apology on your side.

I suppose you need to ask yourself honestly if it was REALLY about the hygiene rating or if you wanted to undermine her for another reason. No need to reply. Only you need to know the answer to this. Intention is so important.

You didn’t do anything wrong. It sounds like you just said you’re not going because the food hygiene rating is low and suggested an alternative - wtf is wrong with that.
You were doing everyone a favour by checking and highlighting it imo. I wouldn’t have eaten there either.

You did nothing wrong. I have been organising these sorts of outings for my friends group for years. Well usually its me, sometimes another wants to. Someone suggest a location, day and time. Discussion via FB Messenger, we settle on what suits most and go from there.

How is it rude to make this sort of observation to the group? And why is she so upset? Does she have shares in the place?

Great pick up of the same old topic. Good memory! I also recall that one. OP is recycling.

You could have just ordered food that isn't at all risky.

Agree with pp that there’s being honest and then there’s being rude. Maybe you should have asked who all in the GROUP chat had been, as you haven’t, first and then offered the information regarding the rating as a reason you’re asking? Then the organiser can make an informed decision whether or not to change the venue?
The part of the post that stood out to me is that you titled it, guess she isn’t a true friend? You’ve already made up your mind that you’re 100% right and she’s wrong? You both could’ve handled it much better tbh.

It seems my comment about loyalty has stumped you.
Is publicly mortifying someone loyal?
Is the non-apology loyal?
Are the “She’s my friend but she needs to grow up” texts behind her back loyal?

I appreciate you wouldn’t have been offended by the message you sent. But the message you sent has offended someone you categorized as a friend, and your efforts to repair are, well nothing really, or worse in that you are slagging her off behind her back.

I think there will be a serious re-jigging of the friendship group now, and I don’t think it is blown out proportion at all. Would you have been offended if someone had replied to your message “As thanks for organizing the night out and being discreet and loyal as ever, Rustymoo makes sure to tell [X] in front of everyone how she’s fucked this right up.”

Agreed. A lot of OTT responses here. How is it humiliating for friends to be made aware of the hygiene rating of a proposed restaurant? Depends on the wording, of course, but I can't imagine any group of friends we have taking something like this as a personal affront.