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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Relationships and money - is it wrong to want someone who earns a decent wage?

118 replies

queryingthis · 24/08/2025 22:17

I’m almost 40. I have a great career I’ve worked really hard for and earn good money. I’m very ambitious. I have a toddler. I have my own house. I’m divorced.

I’ve always been financially independent from a very young age. My parents decided when I was 13 that they were no longer going to financially support me including buying clothes, so I had to work alongside school to buy clothes or anything else I needed and pay rent to them. So I’ve always relied on myself financially.

When I was married, I paid for pretty much everything. And the relationship before that I paid my own way.

I’ve been seeing someone for one year who works very little on minimum wage, rents a house, And doesn’t appear to have any savings for a mortgage or future financial planning. We are both almost 40.

Our wages are really different. And we have very different views on work, career, ambition and finances which is becoming more apparent.

I don’t think I have had a relationship where someone is happily picked up the bill In a restaurant, and insist on paying. I am often the one who pays. With the person I’ve been seeing for a year, I will pay more often or we will split the bill.

I’m realising now at 40 years old that there is a part of me where I think I would like to be with somebody who has financial independence and can happily treat me to a night out or something where they pay and I don’t feel guilty or like I need to pay if that makes sense?

I’m not money orientated. I’m not a gold digger. I’m used to paying. But there is a part of me thinking it would be quite nice to experience that. Even though it would probably feel uncomfortable because I’m not used to it

The person I have been seeing, we do get on really well and they are genuinely lovely, and I do feel bad that I’m thinking about this, but it has been on my mind a little

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 24/08/2025 22:22

YANBU

The heart wants what it wants. If that's important to you then by all means seek it out. Just be aware that you are reducing the size of an already small pool. I think it depends on what other compromises you are willing to make/how important a relationship is to you.

Have you had support to deal with your abusive childhood? I think that dealing with that emotionally may alter your views on certain things.

MyElatedUmberFinch · 24/08/2025 22:33

It is not U the same as if you want to date a tall person or whatever or others don’t want to date over 40’s or women with DC etc etc.

Silvertulips · 24/08/2025 22:36

I think it’s reasonable. There are a lot of wealthy people out there, more than you think!!

Finance is always a big issue in relationships. If you know what you want start looking for men you wouldn’t normally pick. You’d be quite surprised!

JustPassingThruHere · 24/08/2025 22:38

Retracted due to update by OP!

Original poster
queryingthis · 24/08/2025 22:39

I feel I need to point out after that last comment that I am a lesbian. I date women. Not men.

OP posts:
Notmyrealname22 · 24/08/2025 22:42

You are a smart, hard working, ambitious person who has put time and effort into building a successful career. There is nothing wrong with wanting to date/partner with someone who is your equal in that respect. I am the same, and had the same expectations, and I got exactly that. It’s not shallow and does not make you a gold digger.

thinking long term, what would be the outcome of this relationship? You would end up with less disposable income for yourself as you subsidise their lifestyle. Also, if you get married then divorced, you are risking losing half your home. No thanks, that would not work for me.

moderndilemma · 24/08/2025 22:42

Surely the best relationships are ones where your values align: politics, faith/beliefs, social ideals, morals, sexual compatibility, work ethics, financial compatibility, hobbies and interests, friendship groups.

A discrepancy in any one of these can be big enough to throw the whole relationship off. Are you open about finances? Do you know how much they earn, or whether they have debt. Are they good at managing their small income on a tight budget, or do they have sufficient income that is spent unwisely?

It's not just for the present, it's also about the future. Is your partner paying into a pension, do they have savings? YANBU

RosesAndHellebores · 24/08/2025 22:44

I've only ever dated men and successful relationships are grounded in having similar ethics, morals and aspirations. I never respected a man without a worth ethic. DH was skint when we met but had prospects and ambition.

curious79 · 24/08/2025 22:45

I was in a similar scenario to you and could not have carried a man like this, particularly not with my DD to think about.
How's it going to feel in ten years time when he's still renting, lacks aspirations etc etc and you're forging ahead doing things, perhaps have found new avenues for growth. He will stand still

ladygoingGaga · 24/08/2025 22:47

YANBU at all.
Before I met my DH and I was dating what they did for a living or earned was important to me, I was and still am financially independent, it’s a value I cherish. I think it would cause resentment in a new relationship if you were polls apart financially. Of course it may for others, but you know you best!

Dweetfidilove · 24/08/2025 22:47

I hate that women feel the need to caveat such a simple desire with - I'm not a gold digger.
Well of course you're not! If you were, you wouldn't be on MN agonising about wanting someone to just have similar ambitions. That's such a basic thing.
YANBU!

iamnotalemon · 24/08/2025 22:53

I wouldn’t be happy paying for my partner if it wasn’t reciprocated. You shouldn’t feel guilty wanting someone to treat you (as you do for them), that doesn’t make you a gold digger.

Original poster
queryingthis · 24/08/2025 22:57

Notmyrealname22 · 24/08/2025 22:42

You are a smart, hard working, ambitious person who has put time and effort into building a successful career. There is nothing wrong with wanting to date/partner with someone who is your equal in that respect. I am the same, and had the same expectations, and I got exactly that. It’s not shallow and does not make you a gold digger.

thinking long term, what would be the outcome of this relationship? You would end up with less disposable income for yourself as you subsidise their lifestyle. Also, if you get married then divorced, you are risking losing half your home. No thanks, that would not work for me.

Edited

I have not eager to live together. I like my own space. She is currently renting with a friend. I don’t know if she’s expecting that she would move in with me or that we would get a house together. We don’t talk too much about finances. I actually do talk about finances for me such as saving and overpaying on my mortgage and things like that. She doesn’t really mention any of those things, but I know she earns very little.

I really don’t think I would get married again. Especially because of the financial toll it took on me getting divorced the last time.

OP posts:
keepingsanity · 24/08/2025 22:57

I’m in a similar situation at 3.5 years in but with someone who is 14 years older. It’s starting to become an issue as we become more committed. Mainly around how he expects to fund his retirement. I’m starting to think his retirement plan is me. The work ethic is beginning to niggle too.

mum not sure where we can go from here as the only way it may change is through an inheritance (as terrible as that would be).

im also thinking why am I the one busting my ass when he “isn’t ambitious” if I decided i suddenly wasn’t ambitious or didn’t want the stress then we’d be absolutely fucked in later life.

we don’t live together and I don’t think we will until that changes.

AbzMoz · 24/08/2025 22:59

It really depends - you can get a lot of emotional satisfaction and joy from a true partner who might take on other roles for you and your (collective) family as the relationship progresses, but who never brings home the bacon. Or you might realise your kids college/pony fund is being depleted by subsidizing someone with no ambition.

Ynbu to want to be with someone with values and ambitions aligned to your own, whatever those look like.

DoodleLug · 24/08/2025 22:59

It's fair that you want a certain lifestyle, and that you want a partner who pays their own way.

That doesn't necessarily have to mean a high earner, but might do if the lifestyle you want is expensive.

This is all fine. But you are not guaranteed to find this higher earning man. If the only issue with current partner is his wage (and not that he's tight) you can either try to make peace with picking up more of the bill, have an honest chat to see if he can earn more, or go for options he can afford and see how you feel.

Original poster
queryingthis · 24/08/2025 23:00

moderndilemma · 24/08/2025 22:42

Surely the best relationships are ones where your values align: politics, faith/beliefs, social ideals, morals, sexual compatibility, work ethics, financial compatibility, hobbies and interests, friendship groups.

A discrepancy in any one of these can be big enough to throw the whole relationship off. Are you open about finances? Do you know how much they earn, or whether they have debt. Are they good at managing their small income on a tight budget, or do they have sufficient income that is spent unwisely?

It's not just for the present, it's also about the future. Is your partner paying into a pension, do they have savings? YANBU

I don’t know exactly what she earns. Or if she has savings or if she has debt. I’ve not asked those questions. My guess is I earn around 4K per month more than she does.

I haven’t asked directly about savings or debts, but I have told her that for me to feel financially secure I like to save and I want to build some kind of future nest egg for me and my child. I’ve indirectly asked things around finances but haven’t really had a direct clear answer.

OP posts:
WickedElpheba · 24/08/2025 23:02

It's fine if you earn good money and want someone in a similar position

I think it's different if you don't have any money and want someone who does

brunettemic · 24/08/2025 23:02

It’s up to you, whatever works. I earn probably 3x what DH earns but it’s not and never has been an issue for us.

Coconutter24 · 24/08/2025 23:03

curious79 · 24/08/2025 22:45

I was in a similar scenario to you and could not have carried a man like this, particularly not with my DD to think about.
How's it going to feel in ten years time when he's still renting, lacks aspirations etc etc and you're forging ahead doing things, perhaps have found new avenues for growth. He will stand still

*she

Original poster
queryingthis · 24/08/2025 23:03

@keepingsanity
I completely understand that. I was wondering if the person I’m seeing is expecting that the mortgage they will have will be through living at my house.

I do think financial security is important and it puts a lot of pressure if someone else is relying on you to help them financially when they retire.

OP posts:
TheaBrandt1 · 24/08/2025 23:04

I don’t think it’s the slightest bit unreasonable to want to date your own equivalent.

keepingsanity · 24/08/2025 23:14

My partner is also cagey about salary, debt and savings. he does pay his way when we are out though and does treat me but he has little outgoings with his current situation. The lack of ambition is becoming unattractive. He has no long term view, whereas I’ve had a pension since 21

in all honesty I don’t want to be the person that pays for everything, nor a retirement plan. He has no private pension either. The stress of being the main breadwinner would be too much for me.

we are currently having counselling to try and work through this but in reality there is no magic fix beyond an inheritance so I don’t quite know where we will go from here.

if you want to carry on the relationship I’d be looking at ways you can keep your finances apart longer term. I.e if they move in then look at ways to cover yourself ie a tenancy agreement etc.

m it’s tricky finding the right solution

Original poster
queryingthis · 24/08/2025 23:20

@keepingsanity
yes that is a huge part of it for me too… I find ambition really attractive. I love when people are ambitious and intelligent and have some kind of drive that feels inspiring. So I think that is coming into it a bit for me as well.

we would definitely keep finances apart. I’ve experienced it differently in my marriage where I paid for about 80% of everything and we had a shared account and I would never have finances together with somebody again.

OP posts:
statetrooperstacey · 24/08/2025 23:21

It’s absolutely not unreasonable to want a life partner that is similar to you . Which I think is what you’re saying . I’ve never been concerned with potential partners income . However part time minimum wage would really out me off . It’s like they’re getting by with the bare minimum and are quite happy about it. Which is ok if your living in a field in a yurt somewhere growing your own food , but bumbling along lodging in a friends spare room working the bare minimum to survive while potentially eyeing up op as a provider of nice housing and holidays !? No , throw her back .