Relationships and money - is it wrong to want someone who earns a decent wage?

[queryingthis]

I’m almost 40. I have a great career I’ve worked really hard for and earn good money. I’m very ambitious. I have a toddler. I have my own house. I’m divorced.

I’ve always been financially independent from a very young age. My parents decided when I was 13 that they were no longer going to financially support me including buying clothes, so I had to work alongside school to buy clothes or anything else I needed and pay rent to them. So I’ve always relied on myself financially.

When I was married, I paid for pretty much everything. And the relationship before that I paid my own way.

I’ve been seeing someone for one year who works very little on minimum wage, rents a house, And doesn’t appear to have any savings for a mortgage or future financial planning. We are both almost 40.

Our wages are really different. And we have very different views on work, career, ambition and finances which is becoming more apparent.

I don’t think I have had a relationship where someone is happily picked up the bill In a restaurant, and insist on paying. I am often the one who pays. With the person I’ve been seeing for a year, I will pay more often or we will split the bill.

I’m realising now at 40 years old that there is a part of me where I think I would like to be with somebody who has financial independence and can happily treat me to a night out or something where they pay and I don’t feel guilty or like I need to pay if that makes sense?

I’m not money orientated. I’m not a gold digger. I’m used to paying. But there is a part of me thinking it would be quite nice to experience that. Even though it would probably feel uncomfortable because I’m not used to it

The person I have been seeing, we do get on really well and they are genuinely lovely, and I do feel bad that I’m thinking about this, but it has been on my mind a little

Its mot wrong to feel or think like this but have a plan. Illness, redundancy etc can hit anyone out of the blue

It's not wrong. But it's also the reason I won't be in a relationship again. I like women. I'm mid fourties', renting, and limited to the work I can do due to my ongoing health issues, my previous debilitating illnesses and my childrens physical and mental health and education. I'm aware that financially I'm not attractive. I'm also aware that I've always worked as many hours as I possibly could, when I was well I worked the equivalent of two full time jobs. I also was educated about money, had a difficult childhood and I've been a single parent for 15 years. In regards to your relationship, it sounds like there are many things mismatched. However, I also know I'd hate to be looked down upon in regards to my situation which doesn't sound too dissimilar on paper. So I don't put myself out there.

She could so be playing you. Mirroring what she thinks you want to see/hear until you decide she can move in anyway and you take her under your wing.

do you have a habit of saving people?

your family upbringing of abuse and manipulation could very well be repeated and this women could change the minute she’s got herself nestled into your life.

youre not on the same level, you’ll want more and deserve better.

The familiarity and ease you detect here could be echos of relationships like your parents @queryingthis

be very careful, you’re very vulnerable

This x

@MzHz
I don’t feel like she is playing me. I just don’t think she thinks ahead about financial security. She said she would like to own a house one day And maybe live by the sea But she hasn’t saved or planned for that by the sounds of it. I think she just doesn’t think ahead and plans.
I don’t think she’s being malicious. I think she’s just quite passive at times And not very proactive

Absolutely not unreasonable to feel this way but if it were me it is very likely that I would have found out their financial position early in the relationship before it became serious.

Obviously it is now something you can address and be comfortable with whatever you decide

OP, I was thinking of you this evening when I was watching Celebs Go Dating. Kerry Katona was on a date (I am really highbrow aren't I?) and the bill came and she automatically paid. The guy was going to and she took the bill off him and said no I'll get it. Then as soon as they separated for the evening she said she wished he'd paid. I was wondering whether she would watch the program and see how she'd behaved. She had said that it was a problem she had where she always paid the bill for everyone she'd ever been involved with but she really resented, it yet here she was doing it again with a new guy. You have this perfectly fit and healthy woman who is working two days a week and thinks she is doing you a favour when very occasionally she pays for herself! I wouldn't be interested with someone with such a poor work ethic and who didn't want to pull her own weight in the relationship. I would just think they were childish and immature and frankly greedy and entitled, no matter how nice they were the rest of the time.

I’ve got no problem with people earning NW. Someone has to do those jobs, and tbh some people aren’t capable of training to earn more. Or some feel called to those jobs, for example child care in a nursery which usually is MW. But why is she only working 2 days a week?! Especially if she doesn’t have kids.

@healthybychristmas

That’s so interesting. Thank you for sharing that. I will watch that actually. I definitely do have that experience. I’ve had that in the past. I will automatically get my card out and pay and then afterwards I sometimes think why did I do that?
I should’ve let them pay.

That’s happened on dates I’ve had in the past, it’s happened in relationships, it’s happened in friendships. But it’s interesting how people will just let me do it as well. And then it becomes kind of expected.

I really worked hard over the years to stop doing it so frequently, but it’s been difficult. I’ve spoken about it in therapy often and now Ive found myself doing it again.

It’s so uncomfortable letting someone else paying sometimes.
But also, I’m noticing that there is that Issue where if I feel like I’m going to see if they will pay, or in this case sometimes the person I am seeing, it’s awkward if I’m waiting to see if she will pay. And if it looks likes she’s hesitating, I’ll just get my card out.

we kind of had an agreement the other week when we went on holiday. I paid for the holiday but I said for her to bring the spending money. Spending money to Me is going on days out and for meals. And she did pay for most of the days. But there were times when I did. I bought tickets for a place and then when we were getting ice creams or coffees, she would sometimes hang back Almost like she was waiting for me to pay. So on a couple of the occasions I didl

We went for a coffee at one point and I could see that she was waiting by the door and being really slow getting her purse out. I was near the till. I think she was expecting I’d pay even though we had this agreement. So I told her I was going to sit down and wait because I was so tempted to just go to the till and pay myself. So it is really uncomfortable

I feel bad because I don’t want to make her sound bad. I know it’s a pattern I’ve had a lot. And she’s not a money grabber or entitled. I think she just doesn’t normally spend much so it seemed a lot for her.

I also wonder about her living on a very small income (2 days a week of work seems strange) but expecting you to fund her. I'm afraid it would probably give me the ick.

You live to work, she works to live. Neither of you are wrong just different.
I think this is about more than this romantic relationship it’s about your unhealthy relationship with money which is your parents fault.
You seem obsessed with who pays for what with everyone not just your current gf.
You also seem to be attracted to people who you feel you need to look after but then you resent having to look after them because you looked after yourself from such an early age. Again your parents fault.
Maybe dating someone in your income brace could help break that cycle but you also need to break the cycle where you take your card out and atomically pay for everything because the people who your paying for think you want to treat them and are happy to pay they don’t realise that you secretly resent it.

One wonders if this lovely person needs help what a burden to carry , we all have low , high income ,homes large or small , maybe large or small cars or push bikes but there seems a sort of attitude or illness one wishes her well but best on her own with out friends to be safe

Neither of you sound ‘in the wrong’. You can both be great people, like each other but have differing core values.

At your age there is only so much compromise you can/will do, on both sides, as those values fundamentally sit at your core making you who you are.

You sound incomparable due to this tbh. Better to realise now rather than later down the line. Time to have a very open conversation. If you can’t, after a year, or she shuts you down, either give you the answer. You also have to be prepared to state what you’re willing to agree too if you become more serious. Where is your line? Spell it out to her and see if she is willing to accept that? I have the same view as you, I need someone who has ambition and, honestly similar earnings otherwise the balance is so wildly out.

Most could work more than 2 days a week though unless there was a reason such as medical or caring responsibilities

Honestly, I'm just more attracted to people who have interest in their own careers, are driven, ambitious, like to treat me and themselves to nice things. Maybe that makes me a horrid and shallow person but I suspect there's something biological in there about being taken care of and provided for, and also a linked values aspect in that I've always been ambitious, worked hard and wanted nice thingd. Also, there's an equality aspect, just practically, when you go on holiday, should you ever wish to live together, when you go out for dinner - it's tricky to have such wildly different incomes, you either pay for everything or they feel uncomfortable and stretched, or you lower your standard of living for them.
The only time I'd say I've felt differently is dating people who have careers in wildly underfunded sectors, university lecturers, nurses, science fields- where they're super committed and have strong career goals and an ethical drive to do their jobs. Whereas my career has been in corporate, well paid but ultimately dull/morally void industries. In those situations I feel like theyve made a strong moral choice which i understand. It's very judgemental of me, but it is what it is. Whatever you're attracted to, you're attracted to. I'd be tempted to make a break and find someone in a similar income bracket to yourself before it becomes a greater bone of contention

I would say do whatever your heart desires! I earn much more that my husband (I am on £140k and he is on £70k) but for us it’s not an issue. As he has tons more flexibility with work and he is always the one doing school runs, doc appointments etc. We have 3 kids so it’s madness. And even though he wanted to change to a higher paying job, we decided that it’s better that way while the kids are young. And yes… sometimes I wish he could earn more but I def prefer my kids to be with their dad when I work long hours rather than with a nanny. So very happy with our way of dealing with finances.

@Ireallywantadoughnut36

yes it would feel different if it was the case of working in the nhs or whatever where you’re really committed and working a lot but unfortunately the pay is low.

but it isn’t the case in this situation. And there is the option of working more days.

And I do love when people are ambitious and are interested in their career.