Relationships and money - is it wrong to want someone who earns a decent wage?

[queryingthis]

I’m almost 40. I have a great career I’ve worked really hard for and earn good money. I’m very ambitious. I have a toddler. I have my own house. I’m divorced.

I’ve always been financially independent from a very young age. My parents decided when I was 13 that they were no longer going to financially support me including buying clothes, so I had to work alongside school to buy clothes or anything else I needed and pay rent to them. So I’ve always relied on myself financially.

When I was married, I paid for pretty much everything. And the relationship before that I paid my own way.

I’ve been seeing someone for one year who works very little on minimum wage, rents a house, And doesn’t appear to have any savings for a mortgage or future financial planning. We are both almost 40.

Our wages are really different. And we have very different views on work, career, ambition and finances which is becoming more apparent.

I don’t think I have had a relationship where someone is happily picked up the bill In a restaurant, and insist on paying. I am often the one who pays. With the person I’ve been seeing for a year, I will pay more often or we will split the bill.

I’m realising now at 40 years old that there is a part of me where I think I would like to be with somebody who has financial independence and can happily treat me to a night out or something where they pay and I don’t feel guilty or like I need to pay if that makes sense?

I’m not money orientated. I’m not a gold digger. I’m used to paying. But there is a part of me thinking it would be quite nice to experience that. Even though it would probably feel uncomfortable because I’m not used to it

The person I have been seeing, we do get on really well and they are genuinely lovely, and I do feel bad that I’m thinking about this, but it has been on my mind a little

What you want is not unreasonable at all and there shouldn’t be any shame/guilt in wanting someone who is able to contribute and plays equal.

What tends to dictate us is our childhood experience - in your case you have been forced to be financially independent since a very young age. So that’s the pattern you are used to that you have to be breadwinner. Break this pattern first.

YANBU but will probably be lambasted for it in life.

I remember being grilled around what my type was at someone's 30th drinks when I was in my twenties and single. I said I'd expect him to either own his own place or have some kind of savings whatever the amount. something to show for however many years he has been working basically. Just not someone who pisses his entire wage up the wall every month with no regard for the future.

all hell broke loose.

Apparently I was a nasty unreasonable woman, with too high standards and that's why I was still single.

😂😂😂

Oh I 100% agree with you. I hope you found your person!

As long as it' your equivalent, more or less, that you seek I don't think it's wrong. It's not just about the money, it's about having a shared outlook on life.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want that at all, we all have things we want in a partner. However, I am not sure it's all about being wealthy or having high earnings. I earn double what my DH does but he'll still treat me to stuff, pay on a night out, pay for a trip away etc whereas my ex DH earned double what I did and was a really bloody tightarse and after a while that became a bit grating!

With such hi things of someone you would what to be with would it not be safer to stay alone you maybe happier

@user1492757084

to answer some questions .. there’s no wealthy family. Not expecting to inherit anything as far as I know.
Isn’t looking to go for a promotion. I don’t think she’s ever done that in any of her jobs.
can take the usual 5/6 weeks off per year (works 2 days per week) but would struggle going on long holidays because of the cost.
she doesn’t seem to want children which is fine. I don’t want any more and to be honest the cost of IVF was extortionate the first time around and I won’t pay it again. It isn’t something she could pay for either I’m guessing. I’m happy with the one child.
she doesn’t own a house. She rents with a friend. I’ve asked about would she want to own a house in the future because she’s talked about living together and ‘waking up every morning together’ but I don’t think has made any moves to save for that.

from some conversations about future things with work and money, there is an element of naivety which she has admitted really. When I’ve mentioned that some form of thinking ahead needs to be done. She’s kind of said she things it’ll just work out and then when she gets to the appoint of needing to do something she realises she hasn’t thought ahead and planned.

I think with paying for things, it’s been difficult because if we are doing something, I have a habit of automatically getting my card out. I’m trying to stop doing that because I’ve done it so much in the past in my relationships and with friends as well.

I’ve tried a few times now where I don’t get my card out and I wait to see if she does and most of the time she doesn’t, and it can become very awkward. Occasionally, she will pay for something if it’s the cheaper thing that we’ve done that day.
So we might have gone for a meal into the cinema or something which I will pay for, but then she will buy an ice cream the next day for us or something like that.

she does other thoughtful things such as brings me flowers occasionally when we meet. Or she will cook a meal or something like that.

i’m realising that the fairest thing to do might be to eat in more or if we go out, to places that aren’t too expensive. Not that we do really to be honest.

We will split the bill sometimes.
So there were a couple of times where we went out and it was somewhere quite expensive, so I paid the bill.

The next time we went out For a meal she said to me beforehand

“I’m happy for us to go on the condition that… We split the bill”

I don’t know if she was expecting me to object to that which I wouldn’t. But what it sounded like is she felt like she was doing me a favour in someway by offering to split.
So it sounded like she thought that I was expecting and willing to pay again and she was kind of creating a concession by saying that she insists that we split the bill. If that makes sense?
I thought the words that were going to come out out of her mouth were “I’m happy for us to go on the condition that… You let me pay this time”

I will never go out with anyone who doesn't bring anything to the table again. My last husband decided he didn't want to to work or contribute and I felt sucked dry and quite honestly used.
It was a big relief when he left. I had zero respect for him.

The answer to the title question is always the same. It's not wrong to have whatever deal breaker you want in a partner. The problems tend to come when people don't like the corresponding narrowing of their pool, iyswim, or when they have a relationship with someone who doesn't tick all the boxes and resent them for it. If you make sure that isn't you, no problem.

In terms of your current relationship, it does seem like it'll be difficult for you to move forward or make any decisions without knowing more about your GFs expectations. And she may not feel comfortable doing that just yet.

Fwiw, I do think there'd be significant practical difficulties in a relationship with a big finance gap where the richer partner wasn't in a position to scale lifestyle down much, which you aren't as the parent of a DC. I don't think I'd have a serious relationship in that situation if I weren't fine with subsidising the other person. But then maybe a longer term more casual thing isn't the worst idea when you're bruised from a divorce.

I suppose it depends what matters to you most.
Personally I would rather be with someone who shares my values and is lovely, kind and caring, and who I can have fun with, talk with and be myself with. If they also don't earn much but they work and are not lazy that wouldn't bother me. But we are all different and I can understand why given your extremely unsupportive childhood why you would also want to be with someone who can also occasionally treat you financially.
I don't think we ever get everything we want in a partner , only you can decide what matters most to you and what you can live without.

@Imperativvv

yes, I agree. The divorce was incredibly difficult, and I am not in a rush to live with someone again. A part of me would feel quite happy to just date really. But obviously, I am now seeing someone where we don’t see other people.

I have been recently wondering would I ever live with somebody again or do I just plan to live by myself forever?
And it hadn’t really occurred to me that I might live with someone again until that moment really.
But I would only do it if I was 100% sure I wanted to do it with that person.

And I do have doubts with this partly because I don’t want to financially substitute another adult again. And the other part is, I’m noticing that she can be quite avoidant and passive which I didn’t really notice so much until it’s become quite apparent over the last a few months.

@Notagain75
she is lovely and kind. We do get on well. I think she is quick to agree with me on anything which can be frustrating and I have said that to her. She very rarely has an opinion that’s different to mine and I think that is the people pleaser in her.

My attraction to her was how easy it was to speak with her after the last relationship I had where that could be very difficult. But as time has gone on, I suppose I’m just becoming aware of how it feels on other levels in the wider relationship.

I get it, 100%. But as PPs have said, it would slim the dating pool down even more to try to find someone who you’re more financially compatible with. I also am really attracted to drive and ambition in a person.

Once you’re at this age though, frankly, the best people mainly seem to be married. So you do usually have to compromise somewhere.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to be attracted to drive and ambition in a person.

equally, there are plenty of people who value other things and live their lives by those values and it doesn’t necessarily mean they are seeing you as a meal ticket.

she rents with a friend. Fine. She has a job. Fine. She values friends and family and experiences over money, fine.

where it doesn’t gel is that you say you are always or mostly always paying. Are the activities you do your choice or hers?

she probably cannot afford your lifestyle (and quite possibly doesn’t have want to) but is aware this is what you value so does it for you.

@Octavia64

I do suggest going to places because otherwise I think she would just come round to my house and stay in. So I will suggest some places, but sometimes it’s NationalTrust places because I’m a member. Or we might go out for food. I’ve booked things like nights out to shows and theatre. But it’s because I want to do those things so I have booked and paid for those.

She definitely seems to spend time being with family. So they might all just gather at One house and have the day or evening together. We live two hours away from each other so when we meet, which can either be a couple of days per week or every two weeks, I want to do something really.

I have slowly started to plan things with friends. Which I think will help.
I work from home which can feel quite isolating and which is why I want to plan things for time I have off.

on the days we don’t see each other and if I’m not working, I will take my child to go and visit family sometimes or we will go on days out with my friend who also has children.

But when I meet with the person I’m seeing, I would like to do things like go out for a meal and things like that. Sometimes we’ll stay in and have a meal in and watch a film.

if I go to her house, her house mate is obviously there. So I don’t really go there all that often.

I have slowly started to plan things with friends. Which I think will help.
I work from home which can feel quite isolating and which is why I want to plan things for time I have off.

That's a good idea.

The more you write, the more it strikes me that your romantic relationship is only one part of the picture here. If you can arrange things so DGF is a lower percentage of the adult time you have outside family, that might help. She has a lot more free time than you, and it's sort of like she's spreading things out now whereas you want to compress more stuff into time with her.

@Imperativvv
yes, she does have a lot more free time than me. She has five days a week where she isn’t working. She doesn’t have a child either.
So she will see friends and family and go for walks and read and things like that.

When she comes here, I do want to do things but sometimes I’m also really tired and just want to do absolutely nothing but that’s difficult when you have a child. I have two evenings a week where DC is with her other mum.

And so I think some of the incompatibility you describe is about being a working parent with sole DC the majority of the time vs being unencumbered. Possibly this would still be present even if she earned a bit more, worked 4 days instead of 2 or whatever.

I am single with two young kids and was the breadwinner (albeit by not as large a measure as you).

a good friend of mine used to be skint and I’d always pay for her. She reciprocated by cooking meals, buying thoughtful cheap gifts, generally showering me in love through other means. I never felt taken advantage of.

Otherwise, I think it’s hard to have such a mismatch.

im fully expecting to be single forever

I think that at 40 and having done so much for so long to be financially independent you are right to be cautious. You need to consider long term goals , so retirement etc. do you want to have to work longer to support a partner because they chose not to look after themselves financially. Dh out earns me but we have been together a long time. If I was dating now, owning my own home, having a pension and with dc to consider I would want someone who could equally pay their way. I think you have been burnt in the past and reasonably have no desire to put yourself in that situation again.

Having read more about what you describe about her, I'm surprised you haven't got the ick or recognised the following things which would probably be red flags for me:

1. Lack of ambition - what a turnoff
2. Work ethic - Only working 2 days a week (unless childcare or disability is the reason). Get off your arse and work more hours or get a second job! How could anyone settle for a lazy low income life without wanting better for themselves?
3. Happily letting you pay for almost everything - wth! Not even splitting the bill as the norm would think I'm being used as a meal ticket. Quite literally.

This person is a lazy freeloader with no intention of working to better their circumstances, beyond finding a well-off partner to fund their lifestyle.

Moving her in? No way.

Kick her grabby feckless arse to the kerb.

I'm angry for you. She has taken advantage of you, your good and generous nature, and your ingrained sense of 'providing'.

You don't seem quite right for a long-term relationship, but maybe better together for something short-term and undemanding and safe for you both. You both appear to be very different.

Apropos of nothing how did you meet?

What a weird thread. Just because they're lesbians , the woman needs to earn equally. There aren't many women out there who can earn above mnw just like that..

Marriage and longterm relationships are partly an economic arrangement. Whether people like to admit it or not.