Relationships and money - is it wrong to want someone who earns a decent wage?

[queryingthis]

I’m almost 40. I have a great career I’ve worked really hard for and earn good money. I’m very ambitious. I have a toddler. I have my own house. I’m divorced.

I’ve always been financially independent from a very young age. My parents decided when I was 13 that they were no longer going to financially support me including buying clothes, so I had to work alongside school to buy clothes or anything else I needed and pay rent to them. So I’ve always relied on myself financially.

When I was married, I paid for pretty much everything. And the relationship before that I paid my own way.

I’ve been seeing someone for one year who works very little on minimum wage, rents a house, And doesn’t appear to have any savings for a mortgage or future financial planning. We are both almost 40.

Our wages are really different. And we have very different views on work, career, ambition and finances which is becoming more apparent.

I don’t think I have had a relationship where someone is happily picked up the bill In a restaurant, and insist on paying. I am often the one who pays. With the person I’ve been seeing for a year, I will pay more often or we will split the bill.

I’m realising now at 40 years old that there is a part of me where I think I would like to be with somebody who has financial independence and can happily treat me to a night out or something where they pay and I don’t feel guilty or like I need to pay if that makes sense?

I’m not money orientated. I’m not a gold digger. I’m used to paying. But there is a part of me thinking it would be quite nice to experience that. Even though it would probably feel uncomfortable because I’m not used to it

The person I have been seeing, we do get on really well and they are genuinely lovely, and I do feel bad that I’m thinking about this, but it has been on my mind a little

After reading how you've been treated by your father, it's apparent you've been abused to a very serious extent. I'm sorry it skewed all your relationships with men and women. I think it's best to concentrate on your child or reasses again do you actually need a man who is provider rather than lesbian friend who still doesn't have kids and doesn't see earning big wage as important

Has she definitely got enough NI for a full state pension? When I first got together with my DP, he had very little disposable income, but it was to do with being self employed during Covid and partly disabled. He was working every hour possible, though. I thought I'd see how things go and I'm happy to do things alone, so I don't have to compromise. So I did do a list of pros and cons. His financial situation has changed. He's also mortgage free. Just working two days a week, without good reason, would put me off tbh. Once you get towards 60 (I'm nearly there), you will resent having to fund what you want to do and you'll appreciate that you might be running out if time to do it. You need to write down your wants and see if they aline with her's. It will be interesting to see if she'd put in any effort to keep the relationship.

Noone owes anything to op. A girlfriend earns little, spends little, manages her own little cozy life on little. Little girlfriend isn't an employee to big money earning boss and doesn't need changing. There isn't sincere love here and they aren't compatible

You value ambition, that is no bad thing. You do not want someone to be wholly dependent on you financially, which unless hard times come through no fault of theirs, again reasonable.

The man I dated before I met my husband was a decade older but had no real ambition. He was in a creative field and seemed to be content to rely on old clients and live fairly frugally. He lucked out on a housing association flat so rent was reasonable but it meant he had no desire to buy - which is fine but took away motivation to earn more. If we had married and had children then I’d still need to work full time (I was also in a creative area with relatively low pay, but I did own my small house) and would struggle to afford a bigger place than my small two bed. Going away or eating out meant limiting our choices. Now of course this is how the majority live - but frankly my circumstances would not have improved being with him, and in fact would be reduced.
So anyway meet my DH and gosh he is a very high earner. Not huge, but he paid he totally supported his first family (buying his ex a £500k house with cash), both kids in private school, and we were still able to afford a large house in a lovely part of London. Off course we did budget and were sensible about money, but it was the better standard we were able to live in. I was able to give up work after my second child, I had a weekly cleaner, we each had a car. Life certainly was very much nicer!
So I hadn’t set out to find a high earner, and if my ex had returned my feelings maybe I’d have married him and cut my cloth, but I’d be wanting someone of of substance, equal to my own, if I was to wed again (I’m a widow).

I was in exactly the same situation this time last year and it ended 5mnths later when he walked out of his minimum wage job with nothing to fall back on. I love my job and things like personal development/ pay progression are important to me. Being a single mum to two teens has taught me that I can only rely on myself.
When he quit his job I had a very busy december finishing off work for the year, he was unemployed for two months and we literally had nothing to talk about. He had no money so we couldn't do anything unless I paid, and most of his text messages were about what he had for dinner. The whole thing just dropped off for me.

THIS would bother me massively.

Someone who earns minimum wage wouldn't bother me but the lack of work ethic and ambition would be a massive turn off. I could not settle down with someone like this.

To a very real extent I understand the OPs concerns. My feeling would be that it would be unwise to consider any permanent relationship where the partner moves in or they buy a property together. She needs to think very hard about this and where she wats the relationship to go in the future. I would certainly not be considering marriage/civil partnership at this stage because of the financial implications. I dont see it as relevent that the partner is female. It all depends upon what the partner can bring to the table in terms of finances or maybe other attributes.

At 14 my parents did not make me pay "rent". However thy told me that they bought me the clothes I needed for school and if I wanted "fancy clothes" I should get a part time job and buy them. So I got a job in the local chip shop and paid for all my own leisure clothes from then onwards. When I was 18 I wanted to go on a 2 year full time course to qualify in a profession. My mother said that I could only do so if I continued to give her the same amount of rent as if I was on full salary. Although I was entitled to a maintenance grant it would not have been sufficient. So I was unable to go on the course. I later saved and qualified by part time study. It took 3 years. As soon as I was promoted to professional grade I moved out of my parents home and began to withdraw from them.

Those early years of financial abuse by my parents have affected my relationship with money and its effect upon long term relationships.

Life is never simple , if you want a partner who is on par with your partner it's very difficult be it with a man or lady as suggested the field is very reduced and maybe one should remain single and happy with ones lifestyle very good luck to you , you are on a difficult journey good luck

It doesn't make you snobby or anything, and even if it did, so what really? You're allowed your preferences. A relationship is meant to make you happy, not feel obligated, guilty, or ashamed, and a partnership is meant to be just that, not an arrangement where you end up living a lifestyle that you've worked hard to live above. What's the point?

I am not well off, in fact I am in relative poverty, and I wouldn't feel good dating someone who earned more. I did dabble in dating when I became single about 4 years ago, the rich and the poor, and it was nice to be treated to an expensive meal that I wouldn't have been able to afford, but I felt like I owed him afterwards and didn't feel comfortable asking for things like another drink and it just didn't feel nice for me to be so poor in comparison.

I also dated someone worse off than me and that was no more fun as I felt he offered very little and he moaned about money which I find really unattractive.

I must say I am off dating for good I believe but my point is I think a perfect match is required financially to avoid the above two situations, which are both undesirable in their own way.

I’ve only skim read the thread , but is there a reason why she only works 2 days a week ?

YANBU.

Reading all your updates it’s difficult to see how your relationship can progress (if you did want it to). Apart from the obvious how you can live together, retire together financial issues it’s things like will you ever be able to go on a long haul holiday or theatre show together unless you pay every time.

My female relative was in a relationship with another woman and had similar concerns. They did live together for a couple of years in a rented home but then my relative who is late 20’s and earns probably 6 or 8 times her then partner couldn’t see how the relationship was going to work out long term and she ended things.

Men or women - it's important to be in a relationship with someone with the same/similar financial standing. I stopped considering men who rent/live at home when I bought my first home.

No she's an equal partner and we all need to bring something to the table. So the OP has an honest conversation with her, as we all should be able to, with our partners, especially at 40. They can both decide that each other aren't what they want and split. Or the GF could think that actually working two days a week isn't giving her the income to date. Very few 40+ year old women are happy to just potter about. Post menopause, you suddenly reassess things and think about what you still want to do/places to see in life.

You will have to pay for all holidays meals ect anywhere half decent too if they dont earn much if you are cool with that then its fine if you cant afford to pay for two or dont want to always have to it then limits where you can go and what you can do its incompatibility plain and simple.

You just want someone who’s bringing the same to the table as you are. Nothing wrong in that.

Honestly. I think you are both totally incompatible long term.

Neither of you are unreasonable, you just may be incompatible.

What your parents did is appalling though. What on earth did you do for money at 13?

Does the heart ever really want money though?

I think the heart often wants equality, support, shared ambition etc. If you read the OP it's about more than money.

I think you already know you need to end this as it’s not going anywhere. They don’t live in same town either so no bumping into each other.

wow. Your parents were wilder than mine! I had to pay a third of everything I earned to them. And money was always controlling people. One day I realised I live in my rented house and have a job. I don’t need them to control my money anymore. They weren’t happy after all they did for me!!!

it wasn’t like they saved it all for me and gave it back as a grand gesture like some people do.

I think you need to be on your own for a bit and work out what you want and make connections with friends locally so you aren’t lonely. I wfh and it sucks. I hate it and I’m looking for an office job!

set out ground rules at start of any new relationship that you will pay your own way.

@FluffyJawsOfDoom
i had 2 paper rounds and worked at the local hairdressers sweeping up, making coffee and washing Hair. And then when I was 15, I started working in a sunbed shop and a café as well. And then restaurants and pubs until I was 17. And then I worked in the local garage and a nursing home. So I was working quite a lot, including when I was at college doing my A-levels

@Welshmonster
i’ve realised how isolated I feel sometimes when I work from home. I’m not a mega social person but I have felt the isolation a little bit.

A friend who I would usually see once a month has moved away so we don’t see each other as much.

I think I would like a friend to do things with. I have a handful of friends, but don’t see them all that often so I probably have a friend meet up with one of them once every three or four weeks. Which isnt often really Is it..

No it’s not wrong.