Relationships and money - is it wrong to want someone who earns a decent wage?

[queryingthis]

I’m almost 40. I have a great career I’ve worked really hard for and earn good money. I’m very ambitious. I have a toddler. I have my own house. I’m divorced.

I’ve always been financially independent from a very young age. My parents decided when I was 13 that they were no longer going to financially support me including buying clothes, so I had to work alongside school to buy clothes or anything else I needed and pay rent to them. So I’ve always relied on myself financially.

When I was married, I paid for pretty much everything. And the relationship before that I paid my own way.

I’ve been seeing someone for one year who works very little on minimum wage, rents a house, And doesn’t appear to have any savings for a mortgage or future financial planning. We are both almost 40.

Our wages are really different. And we have very different views on work, career, ambition and finances which is becoming more apparent.

I don’t think I have had a relationship where someone is happily picked up the bill In a restaurant, and insist on paying. I am often the one who pays. With the person I’ve been seeing for a year, I will pay more often or we will split the bill.

I’m realising now at 40 years old that there is a part of me where I think I would like to be with somebody who has financial independence and can happily treat me to a night out or something where they pay and I don’t feel guilty or like I need to pay if that makes sense?

I’m not money orientated. I’m not a gold digger. I’m used to paying. But there is a part of me thinking it would be quite nice to experience that. Even though it would probably feel uncomfortable because I’m not used to it

The person I have been seeing, we do get on really well and they are genuinely lovely, and I do feel bad that I’m thinking about this, but it has been on my mind a little

So, maybe that's where you start. (And I'm assuming here that that you have generally great communication about other aspects of your life...?)

"Can we talk about money?"
"I've shared stuff with you 'xyz'. You know I have a house and a mortgage, and you know I'm in a job with a good salary. I know and accept that you don't have that job and salary, (and I love you) but I feel in the dark about your situation."

Then there are several possible outcomes:

• They share their financial situation and you either think 'that's OK, I can be with this person, even if it means I'm somehow subsidising them' OR you think 'No, they are careless with money and that is not right for us.'
• They continue to be unclear about their situation, and you feel you cannot trust them. End of relationship.
• You decide that her income, prospects, work ethic etc are never going to change, and that you may want something different.

I’ve just mentioned in my last comments that I do think that ambition and drive is very important for me. I do find it really attractive and I’m noticing that that really isn’t there at all.

I’m often thinking of work ideas and different projects to work on and I love speaking to my friends about this because they are in a similar line of work. It feels really exciting.

I talk to the person I’m seeing about this and she is encouraging. But I don’t hear anything like that from her about her work or her plans or anything like that.

when I ask each day what she’s been up to, it all sounds very lovely such as reading and walking and cooking and chatting with friends. And then I wonder if I’m just really work focused. I do have days off but I also love my working days.

I think you are answering your own question.

It's not about the salary or the money, more about the drive and ambition (which might [or might not] be realted to income).

Where are your values aligning on that?

@moderndilemma

I think she earns little and spends little. She doesn’t really talk about spending lots and will talk about ‘Splashing out’ and ‘treating herself’ to something that is about £5. So she doesn’t spend all that much and seems to get by on what she does earn. She told me her rent is very cheap. She told me how much rent she pays and I was absolutely shocked because of how low it is.

I do feel in the dark and that’s a good way of wording it to her

we do communicate well, but she is quite avoidant and passive at times which I have commented to her because it has bothered me when it’s come to communication

Hold on, you paid rent to your parents from age 13?????

Blimey.

@FattyMcFattyArse
yes. They said my 13th birthday was the last day they would buy me clothes so if I needed any more clothes I needed to earn money.
So I had two paper rounds and then started working weekends at the hairdressers.
But as soon as I started earning money my dad then said that he wanted me to pay rent. So I got another job after school and the more jobs I got the more rent he wanted.

when I was at college, I had five jobs on top of that so I was working any time I wasn’t in college. In the end, I moved out. He would tell me that he was teaching me financial responsibility.I realise now that it was financial exploitation. Since then, I have followed a similar pattern of being financially responsible for other people

You may have been made to feel by your parents that you are not allowed to be given anything by anyone ever.

Their approach seems extreme and unusual compared to what most parents do that I have ever heard about. To me their demand seems abusive especially if you were going to full time school.

Did your parents behave in other difficult ways towards you?

You had an abusive father OP. Perhaps some therapy would help before you make any more important decisions about relationships.

@ScrollingLeaves
yes, they did. My dad was very controlling and had someone unusual behaviours that I do work on in therapy. I have therapy every single week. And I do understand how I repeat the same patterns by financially providing for people As part of it

I am in a similar position to you OP, however this is one of the (many) reasons I have accepted I am unlikely to have a long term partner/marry again.

By the time I left my ex I was earning 3x what he did. He thought it was just under 2x, and was extremely resentful and horrible to me about it, despite earning very good money himself. I got to a point I was scared to mention pay rises or promotions in case it set him off.

I don’t want to be in the same position again, so would need someone earning over a significant amount which would mean they are in the 1%, and therefore probably not looking for someone like me.

That's fucked up. You weren't a Victorian child.

I self supported from about age 14 but only because we were poor and I was never asked to pay anything to the household, I just worked and paid for all my own things, food, transport, sanitary stuff etc. It's made me very independently minded too. But you don't have to let your childhood define you or take responsibility for anyone else's finances or lack of. You can date this woman and both contribute to the costs of outings etc. She is not your charity case.

If there isn't enough feelings there, then by all means let her go and find someone more suited to your level of career/earnings.

Relationships can be complementary though, you don't have to both be the same as the other.

I think wanting someone who matches your salary is different to wanting someone wealthy when you are not. The first is completely reasonable and I think it's sensible too, resentment can build on both sides when there is a big difference in income.

It sounds like she's got a lovely life and she's working to fund her chosen lifestyle. It sounds like it doesn't really match with what you're looking for though so maybe it's time to call it a day and look for someone with a more similar outlook on life.

I don't think you and she are well suited at all. I really feel for you as a child having to pay your father rent! That's really shocking. You obviously have a lot of drive and ambition and I think that's absolutely brilliant. Your girlfriend doesn't and while she doesn't seem to be expecting you to pay for everything at the moment, I think they will a point where she will want to move in and be financially supported. I think you should look for somebody who has a similar outlook to life to yourself. While she might listen to your ideas supportively, she doesn't have the same energy about her that you deserve.

Totally fine to want a partner to match what you bring to the table! I have a good career/house with a mortgage and am financially stable. I want to date someone who is the similar and I think that's completely fine. I'm happy paying for myself, but I'm not funding another adult. I think if we would only date people who were really rich and paid all the time, thats unreasonable as that isnt something I can match!

I think most women have the security of their children as their priority. A decent home, good schools, a secure income.

Most men seem to prioritise life style - cars, gadgets partying.

As it gets harder to have both, I think more and more relationships will come unstuck. I'm the same as you OP. Started earning at 13, wholly independent since 18, I couldn't cope with my ex's attitude to risk so split, bought my own home for me & ds. He's just has his repossessed.

Yanbu but it's getting harder to find.

I don't think it's unreasonable at all in your circumstances, particularly noting that aspirations and drive seem to be as much the issue as the actual disparate salaries.

if you had said your partner was studying full time for a professional qualification, whilst working around the clock taking overtime, I still don't think you would be unreasonable. If you don't want to carry the financial weight of a relationship you don't have to - that's a very valid criteria, imo.

I do think it's massively unreasonable for someone to 'want' a well warning partner or spouse if they don't work or don't earn very well. That's just gold digging. But to want an 'equal' is fair play, in my view.

By equal I don't necessarily mean 'on par'.

if someone earns 250k and their partner 'only' earns 100k I suspect that's not an issue for most relationships because you're very likely both doing very demanding City type jobs. If someone earns 100k and their spouse earns 40k, their careers, lifestyles and available free time may be very different, and it may cause more issues than the previous couple even though the disparity is similar % wise.

You're in a tricky dilemma at the moment. You're seeing each other but living separately which means there is no implication on finances for you in real terms, so you probably don't want to bring up the matter of finances because in a way it's none of your business. At the moment.

If you find yourself paying for most things you do together and your GF is unable to pay her way because she has very limited income or savings, then you need to decide if that's what you're prepared to settle for. If she's happy to carry on being financed by you, then you're not the one who can be accused of being a gold digger!

If financial fairness is important to you then you're unlikely to find that with your girlfriend in the current situation - you've already in the relationship where that isn't your or her reality.

if you've been seeing each other for a year, and you think you might find her expecting to move in with you, then you need to have the conversation early to set the expectation. it's only kind to be really honest and open about your expectations and if paying the majority of the bills isn't what you want, you need to say that now. The other option is carry on living in separate households. Once you combine households that ship has sailed!

There's nothing wrong with her life or with yours. Your probably incompatible. Im with you i don't want someone who expects me to fund their life.

Is she generous even if not financially able to be? Does she make you tea or do considerate things to show she's wanting to contribute? It doesn't sound like you're very compatible though

Bring up financial independence and improvement with your partner.
Hear her feelings and her plans.
There might be a way forward - depending on what you hear about her unique financial situation.

Will she persue more qualifications?
Will she go for a promotion?
Will she inherit from her wealthy Grandmother?
Does she want to have a child?
Does she get long holidays from work which allows her to earn extra?
Does she already own a house in the country?

I think that those of us who grew up in financially restrictive houses have a very different set of values and attitude towards money. This can even vary between those siblings.

i was driven to be financially independent from around 8 years old. It was my
most important aim, as I could see that I was ‘ on my own’. It’s hard to explain this drive to those who didn’t experience this early life situation.

I was shocked at uni at the lack of career/ financial planning by nearly All of the other women.

the thing is: it isn’t their priority. It never will be. Something always comes up for them, due to the way that they live their lives. And if it doesn’t, this doesn’t matter ( to them).

The difference in values will grind you down. Don’t move in together, don’t tie finances, and split up when it suits.

I do t think you are compatible with current girlfriend. Her inability to afford much will impact your choices and narrow your world. You need someone less financially constipated.

I feel it is more about values than a financial figure per se and this would tie in with your childhood experiences.

Before meeting my partner this was on my list of preferences/wants. It wasn't so much they were equal in earnings but they had something to get out of bed for each day and a motivation. As another poster has said as well I do believe in financial independence too.

I voted YANBU because I think you should date someone with a reasonable income.i don't mean a millionaire! But this seems a bit too far .you are subsiding her really. I am guessing she's maybe a free spirit or similar.