To not write a birthday list for DH

[rocketrabbit]

It's my birthday in a few weeks (normal one, not a big one). As usual DH asked me to send him a list.

I started to write one, then just thought I CBA. Every year I make a list and he never buys anything from it. We play this game where he says he thought those were joke suggestions and I pretend he's right. I have in the past made comments that he ignores the list but that just causes hurt feelings and an argument. But after 20+ years he knows the sort of things I like, he must know that the jacket/bag/jewellery etc I asked for are things I would love to get.

I really struggle with my bday and Christmas anyway, after a childhood where disappointment and then having to pretend to be happy being given something I didn't want was the norm. If I dared show any disappointment I would get a bollocking for being ungrateful.

DH is generous in all other ways but on this just totally falls flat. Why ask for a list if he knows I will ask for things he won't buy.

Aibu for refusing to make a bloody list this year.

We play this game where he says he thought those were joke suggestions and I pretend he's right.

One of the weirdest posts I've read today and there's some real batshit contenders out there 😳

Well, surely if every year you pretend he's right that you were joking, he's going to keep not buying you anything from it?!

This is really odd. He says he thought they were joke suggestions? Is he quite bonkers? Why on earth would you send joke ideas? Buy whatever you want yourself, get him to wrap it. Or tell him it isn’t joke suggestions (how extremely odd!) and you want this, this and this, very specific, links, it’s not a joke. What has he got you in the past that wasn’t on your list?

For his next birthday, shop exclusively in a joke shop.

Put one thing on the list. Also ask for a dinner / lunch / trip to wherever. Say I’m not doing the list or the game this year - it’s a waste of money, I want this and only this, and no joking.

Do the things you have asked for cost more than he wants to spend? Or are they things he doesn't think are worth the money or he doesn't see the point of buying them?

When I've tried to tell him I'm not joking he gets huffy and upset. I agree that's a meb problem.

But am aibu to just tell him I'm not doing a list any more as there's no point - he never takes it seriously and I struggle to tell him that upsets me.

There are two quite bonkers people in the OP's scenario!

Just tell him 2 things you would like and to pick one. Stress that you really want them and are not joking. If he gets upset so fucking what. If he knows about your childhood that makes him even more of a wanker.

There is no point writing a list if he ignores it.

But that is the least of your problems. By the sound of it you can't raise it with him as he gets difficult. That's the nub of problem.

Just put one item on list and say for once it would be nice if you could actually get me something on the list, if you care that is. DH and I stopped buying presents for each other, we now get what we want ourselves.

Definitely sone things where he doesn't see the point. But he doesn't need to see the point, does he.

So I often buy my own present- to ensure I get one thing I really want. DH tries but often fails or forgets where the list is.....
I would add some things on the list like a deep house clean: clean out that cupboard that annoys you as well as something you want.... But literally I am happy with a clean and tidy house....

Every year I make a list and he never buys anything from it.

what a very weird husband you have, he would piss me off big time.

My in-laws do that with my kids, demand a list, which I spend ages to make (making sure it's the cheaper items, easy to find, things kids want, that can't be confused with something else, making sure other family members wont get and so one..) and they buy completely random crap anyway. I end up buying the present myself after I already got mine. I have also stopped making a list and tell them to send cash when they ask.

My mother did that with my kids. Would ask what they wanted and then spend weeks phoning up to argue about it. She hasn't given me a bday present in years. It was less hurtful to say I didn't want anything than to be given something crap and have to pretend it was amazing.
Why do people do this?

No, he doesn't need to see the point but I can understand him not wanting to spend money on something he sees as frivolous, such as jewellery and preferring to buy you something practical. I'm not saying he's right, but I could see how the thought processes might run. You may need to sit him down and explain that you really do want x or y even if he doesn't think they are worth the money.

Buy the gift you want yourself.
Book a lunch or dinner at your favourite restaurant, have a nice bottle of wine.
No chance of disappointment this way.
Some men just don't "get it", do they.

If lists are jokes, he's the punch line.

My DH isn't a shopper or very romantic. His approach of "what do you want for your birthday/Christmas, OK, how much is that? OK, here's a cheque, is so much more preferable.

I’d be asking why is he asking for a list. When every year he ignores said list and assumes it’s a joke.

Yes this. Ask why he still wants one? If he says 'it's our joke' you can say 'I'm tired of that joke. I'd like a gift I know I'll enjoy'

I always send specific links and then get a box of chocolates regardless. This year I started making the list, and couldn't ignore the fact that he'd never get anything on it. I think other years I've always had just this little bit of hope that he might surprise me.

It's really a me problem - I get massively anxious and upset as my birthday approaches and just want it to be over. I'm dreading the inevitable disappointment. I dread getting a card from my mother (our relationship is really bad) which I know she's only sending so she can tell herself she cares when she doesn't. And I've obviously not done a good job of communicating to DH that I'm bothered.

I do always put some money aside to buy myself something.

Dear god, chocolate?! Which you can buy anytime you pop to Asda!

Have you sat him down and told him that this (link) is what you really want? I mean, seems pretty straightforward?

Is he asking for a list to make himself feel like a thoughtful husband? What’s the point if he’s going to just ignore your wishes anyway?

What do you normally do for his birthday? I’d be giving him the same box of chocolates back.

Isn’t the whole point of a gift to show that you know the other person well and you were thinking of them? A list kind of defeats the purpose and forces you to do the planning yourself. Definitely a knob move

'DH please review the previous lists I sent you as you haven't yet bought anything from those ones'