To not write a birthday list for DH

[rocketrabbit]

It's my birthday in a few weeks (normal one, not a big one). As usual DH asked me to send him a list.

I started to write one, then just thought I CBA. Every year I make a list and he never buys anything from it. We play this game where he says he thought those were joke suggestions and I pretend he's right. I have in the past made comments that he ignores the list but that just causes hurt feelings and an argument. But after 20+ years he knows the sort of things I like, he must know that the jacket/bag/jewellery etc I asked for are things I would love to get.

I really struggle with my bday and Christmas anyway, after a childhood where disappointment and then having to pretend to be happy being given something I didn't want was the norm. If I dared show any disappointment I would get a bollocking for being ungrateful.

DH is generous in all other ways but on this just totally falls flat. Why ask for a list if he knows I will ask for things he won't buy.

Aibu for refusing to make a bloody list this year.

What the actual fuck is wrong with the tight-fisted cunt? He has plenty of money, he just doesn’t care about you does he? Just completely awful. I’m so sorry @rocketrabbit.

To do the bare minimum, if that, and then paw at you trying to get something out of you for his benefit is truly disgusting.

Happiest of birthdays from us lot. And all power to your elbow to make your own happiness, however that looks.

Well the story that he’s so great rather popped like a soap bubble. He’s a bit of a miser, isn’t he? He has a secret valuation of how much you are “worth” and it doesn’t match your secret desire to be held worthy of a fuss. Go back to therapy. You have “fleas” as they say from being raised in an NPD household.

There’s a lot of martyr in you—only to be expected and not an insult—you are waiting more or less passively and silently in hopes that he will step up and recognize you through a significant gift. And he keeps frustrating you because he estimates your worth in gifts too but at a lower rate than someone who loved you as you want to be loved would.

He poses as the all giving husband when he asks for the list but secretly he has already made up his mind that there us a “proper” “right size” gift for you. This is probably from his upbringing but it hurts you more because of your upbringing.

Buy yourself that necklace OP. You want it and you deserve it. Reframe going ahead and ordering it as you saying to yourself 'you're worth it, you can look after yourself and meet your own needs, even when other people don't'. Wear it proudly as a woman who knows her own worth. Husband can make what he wants of that.

Happy birthday op

It sounds a weird dynamic tbh.

Fwiw my dad doesn't get me anything for my bday, no card either. If I'm lucky maybe a message! Mum sends a voucher. I buy her a present. She's strongly hints that she would like a voucher back , but I can't really see the point in swapping vouchers.
I don't really care tbh- am not young and it is what it is.

Dh - does make the effort with presents but not with arranging anything. If I want to go for a meal out I book it. If I want us to go to the theatre I will book it. Avoids disappointment.

You might not think he is a narcissist, @rocketrabbit but he is cruel. He knows he is being cruel and checked in with you that you are going to accept his cruelty, which you have done (so far).

Why not make today the day where you stand your ground, throw the chocolates in the bin and ask him why he thinks it is OK to treat you like a joke? Tell him the chocolates are a joke present and that from now on, if he really values chocolates as a birthday present, that is all he is getting as he himself has set that standard

Make an enormous fuss of your children for each of their birthdays and leave him a box of chocolates every year on the table or wherever - don't even acknowledge them.

He is a prize twat and I am so angry on your behalf. He does not see you as an equal.

It’s not OP playing the game though. He is playing it and forcing her to pretend she’s ok with it.

I'm really sorry @rocketrabbit

Firstly, Happy Birthday.

Secondly, you need to say to him "You know you asked if it was alright that you didn't get what I wanted, and instead got these chocolates? Well, actually I've thought about it and it's not alright. I am really upset by this because it makes me feel like you don't care and you are not listening to what I need when I tell you clearly." and then resist any stropping. I know it's hard for you but you HAVE to spell it out. he's just getting away with it at the moment because you struggle with vocalising your disappointment and that means nothing will change.

Happy birthday! I hope you can see that this is not a you problem. Your husband is being really mean to you. Does he know the history of your childhood birthday? If he does he is an even bigger shit. You need to start treating his birthday and Christmas like he treats yours and give him a shitty box of cheap chocolates. I am so sorry he has done this again to you.

Have a proper conversation. Sit him down and say that from now on, forget what has gone on before, but that from now on if it’s on the list, assume that you do want it. No jokes no nothing

and if he fails yet again, then that’s your answer. You’ll have to rethink how you want to receive presents from now on and if it’s all too painful due to how you experienced birthdays before, remove any further potential hurt and buy yourself the thing/s you want
if money is tight, explain you’ll be using the money from his birthday gifts on yours instead as he cannot follow simple gifting lists.

no need to make it an angry thing, but maybe just the only way to stop reopening old wounds every year and to protect yourself emotionally

Absolutely thats not unreasonable. Buy things for yourself (order them online and get them gift wrapped if you can).

Is he petulant and inconsiderate in other ways?

Happy birthday.

order the necklace as a gift to yourself.

Happy birthday OP. I'm so sorry, it really sounds like deliberate unkindness from your husband especially as he must know your history with your mum. I'd order the necklace immediately and let him know you ARE disappointed.

Yes, there are definitely still problems from childhood, I can't argue with that, and I have got a wound around only ever being worth the cheaper option (I learned v quickly when I was a child that being 'good' meant picking the cheapest option and saying you might want the one that was a bit more expensive would lead to being told you were disgusting and greedy and punished with silent treatment. I've still got a massive problem with self esteem). I know it comes across as martyrdom but it comes from a place of deep anxiety. I'd rather say I didn't want it than have to deal with the feeling that the thing was possible, it was within reach, but I wasn't deserving of it and I don't know why not.

I think you've hit the nail on the head when you said he thinks of himself as generous and giving but his idea of what that looks like doesn't match mine.

And my mother is a whole other can of worms.

OP I have similar trauma and triggers around birthdays. My dh is a terrible gift giver, a throw back from his upbringing. His mother asks what you want and then sulks if she doesn’t like the idea!
It’s all too much so we don’t do surprises, I ask for what I want and so does he. I have probably taken the good out of birthdays for both of us but I accept that is how it is.
I am 50 in a few weeks and am really struggling with anxiety about it, I don’t like surprises, I can appear ungrateful when I’m triggered, it’s very difficult to explain.

I hope that you can find a way to make a special moment in the day for yourself.
Hap birthday x

*Ironically we are very good together for our kid’s birthdays.

@rocketrabbit Can you afford to buy the necklace you wanted?
If he comments you simply say I told you this was what I wanted. I didn't want to wait 2 or 3 years for you to then not buy it.

You deserve something that gives you pleasure.

For his birthday ask him to make a list & then ignore it and get him a box of chocolates.

My mother has form for that too. Asks what you want, then follows it up with weeks of 'i looked at that thing you suggested and it's not very good/are you sure you really want that/I've seen this other thing that I think is better'. Then she would give you something you didn't want and get offended and upset when you weren't thrilled with it. It is all about what she wants to give. I tell her not to give me or my kids anything. I say we don't want anything. What I really mean is we don't want anything you are willing to give. And she's really bloody tight, though she throws money at my siblings.

I always feel terribly teary and anxious leading up to my bday and Xmas. I tried to unpick it a bit in therapy last year but obviously there is still work to be done.

I do not let this happen to my kids, btw. They get what they ask for and they know that it's about what they want.

I have some money saved up to buy myself a bday present but it's not quite enough, I will need to save for a few more months.

Oh love: I get it.

But if you keep doing what you do you will get what you got.

Either this is unintentional on his partsnd he sincerely thinks this is a game “frugal wife” puts on where she pretends to want expensive things and he pretends he will give them or its witting and he enjoys humiliating you.

The first can be worked on in therapy: you need to combat your anxiety and your instinctive attempts to shrink yourself into invisibility. You have accidentally chosen a man who recreates disregard and contempt for you around gifts. If he is truly innocent of intent work with your therapist and consider bringing him into the therapy so your therapist can support you speaking up for your deeply seated need for love and care through gifts.

Its about the gift but its not about the gift. Why should you have to live as a beggar in your own house. Save up from the family joint account every penny you would have spent on his birthday or special events and buy the necklace. Stop asking him to treat you. Treat yoursrlf for a while. Try to reset yourself.

It’s not the birthday list that’s a red herring, you struggle to tell him how you feel , well yes you would as he gets huffy and upset, so gaslights you into thinking it’s a you problem.

we choose partners and relationships that mirror the ones we are modelled in childhood , good and bad.

You keep saying it’s a you problem and that you are the problem generally. You don’t realise when you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship that this is what it looks like! Everything’s your fault and you find reasons why it is your fault! Any idiot knows if someone asks for something and then gets some other bit of random crap for their birthday that they would be disappointed/upset and it’s NORMAL to be upset/sad that their partner has put less than zero thought into it! He’s DELIBERATELY NOT bought you what you asked for and is now wanting you to reassure him that it’s ok?!?! Or he will sulk and strop??!!! That is ABUSE pure and simple. You need a different therapist /counsellor who specialises in domestic abuse to help you x

I think you should have responded, "No, it's not alright, and yes, I am upset that just like last year and all the years before that you pestered me about what I wanted and when I told you what I wanted you then got me something else. What is this stupid game you're playing?"

It’s like on one level you feel you want to reset your mother’s shit parenting but on the other hand you feel unworthy of actually insisting on receiving the gifts. You want to be shown you’re worthy of it so hope your husband will run with the ball and buy the thing you hope you deserve. Oh I understand that completely op. You don’t want to be seen as having to whine on for it. You just want him to fucking do it. Ugh, you may have to actually sit down and explain exactly what you’re upbringing has left you with. I mean really explain. Looking him in the eye and telling him you feel the crushing disappointment you felt as a kid. That your main person couldn’t be arsed to put you top of the list for that day.

You are worth being put on the top of the list op. For starters, chuck those fucking chocolates from your mother in the bin, tell your husband to start the new regime by buying you a decent box and a bottle of wine, if that’s what you’d like. Show him what you need to happen. Reset it all today. You are worth the effort.

@rocketrabbit well done for being brave and asking for what you really wanted. I hope you do save up and buy it because you deserve it.

Im afraid I’m going to join the pile on of your H. Who the hell thinks a box of chocolates and nothing else is an acceptable present to give their spouse every year? He earns well so he’s not stupid. I can only conclude he is actually trying to be cruel. I’m so sorry. What he is doing is not ok.

I know you have said why you have accepted this but its really not ok. I'm sorry I'd need to ask him directly why do you ask what I want and then not respect that?
Life is too short for a weird, miserable game only you can be honest and say you are fed up instead of people pleasing and reassuring him its fine to treat you like this.

It fucking well is NOT a you problem. Do a list. write it:
firstly this is not a joke. Every single thing on this list I would be over the moon to get for my birthday. It’s not funny that you ask me for a list and then ignore it and buy me a shitty fucking box of chocolates and get mad at me if I’m upset because you didn’t give a damn what I actually want even though you went to the trouble of asking me. I am never ever tolerating that again. I’m worth so much more than that.
so here is the list YOU ASKED FOR of things I would really love for my birthday. I will be grateful if you get me something from this list. I might ask you to leave if you decide fuck it why would I buy my wife something she wants when I can buy her a shitty fucking box of chocolates instead, that’s how shit you make me feel every birthday and that’s before you’re mad at me for getting upset.
one more time, this is the list that you asked me for, of things I’d like.
1
2
3

and send it. The problem is not you op, it’s 1000000% him and you deserve a decent birthday present and a husband who cares. I’d ask yours to leave.