To not write a birthday list for DH

[rocketrabbit]

It's my birthday in a few weeks (normal one, not a big one). As usual DH asked me to send him a list.

I started to write one, then just thought I CBA. Every year I make a list and he never buys anything from it. We play this game where he says he thought those were joke suggestions and I pretend he's right. I have in the past made comments that he ignores the list but that just causes hurt feelings and an argument. But after 20+ years he knows the sort of things I like, he must know that the jacket/bag/jewellery etc I asked for are things I would love to get.

I really struggle with my bday and Christmas anyway, after a childhood where disappointment and then having to pretend to be happy being given something I didn't want was the norm. If I dared show any disappointment I would get a bollocking for being ungrateful.

DH is generous in all other ways but on this just totally falls flat. Why ask for a list if he knows I will ask for things he won't buy.

Aibu for refusing to make a bloody list this year.

I have been married for 35 years and I have never written a birthday list for my husband - what a depressing thing to do.
He has always given me a present (either an item or trip, experience etc). He knows what to give me because, you know, he's actually met me.... in fact, we live in the same house! If someone listens and observes, they'll know.

It sounds really cruel that he gets you to list the things you want every year then ignores and mocks the list 😕

List in itself is fine.

I am picky, my DH can guess what I might want, but I want something very specific, I'd rather make a precise list.

Ignoring it and laughing at it on the other hand?

Just start to buy yourself a heap of presents and wrap them up for yourself; it does feel weird but you get used to it and at least get some things that you’d like to have.

(Remover the first two sentences as I see you said at the every beginning he does ask for a list) Maybe just say ‘are you going to pick something for me yourself or would you like some suggestions?

Why does he think your previous lists have been 'joke' suggestions? Are they particularly expensive or something? I don't get the sense it is a 'you' problem.

I send my DH and his brother 'wishlist' suggestions at their request as they say they aren't great at picking out presents. I'm never ungrateful for any present, but it is nice to be bought something I know I'll use/enjoy. I offer to buy off their 'wishlists' but they don't send them, as they tell me they like the gifts I pick out for them. I can't imagine intentionally giving someone a present that I know they won't like, it feels like a spiteful thing to do. Does your husband know about your difficult relationship with birthdays and your mother's past shitty behaviour? It sounds a bit like he's trying to push your buttons.

Don’t give him a list. Don’t mention it. If he asks say ‘oh I thought you were joking’
then if he insists he would like a list give him a list of 2 items. Buy yourself those items, don’t even expect him to get them. Then on your birthday open them in front of him once he’s given you the chocolate. This is what I would do (and probably why I’m single 🤣)

This makes NO sense and it is NOT a you problem. How can you have been married to this man for so long and he has never bought you anything you’ve asked for? I would have lost it with my DH after the first 2 times this happened
I can’t work out if he buys you anything at all? Just chocolate? Every time? He’s absolutely useless, lazy and thoughtless.

Send him this:

Birthday List

This is a pointless exercise
You never buy me anything from any list I make
You then get the huff if I am even slightly disappointed that I have nothing that I asked for
Youve been my husband now for 2 decades
If you honestly can’t think of something nice to get me, you have failed as a loving partner
If you want a list of suggestions, please see all the many previous lists I have written for you and you have ignored
I’m not going to waste any more time on this.
I refuse to spend another birthday disappointed by your complete lack of effort to make me feel loved and appreciated.

That's a tricky one, though, because my mother takes that attitude and gives terrible presents because it's all about what she wants to give and not what the person might actually like. For my thirtieth she gave me a ticket for the london eye. I was 8 months pregnant. It goes without saying that I couldn't use it. She said afterwards 'i didn't think you'd go.' why give me it then????

why do you think it's a 'me' problem? he sounds odd bordering on sinister. What other odd behaviours does he display? This can't be the only weird thing he does.

Give him a list of say 5 things and tell him this is my gift list, it's not a joke, I want you to buy me 2 or 3 things from there. If you mess up this time I won't be giving you another list, ever. I will just buy my own presents.

And mean, just buy your own presents from now on.

Agree. He sounds batshit and like you've just normalised his behaviour and arw blaming yourself for it.

This sounds crackers! My DH is crap at birthdays etc but he does try (a bit). I’m sorry you have to deal with your ‘D’H. Just be really straight with him: “I thought about making a list for you but I have made one every year for X years, and you have never once bought me something on it. So I’ve decided not to write one this year as I don’t want to feel hurt and disappointed on my birthday. I appreciate I may not have fully communicated how I feel to you before but I’m doing so now so you understand how I’ve been affected over the years and why I might get upset.”

Any decent husband would feel terrible that they’ve made you feel this way. They would want to talk it through with you. If he turns it on you and makes you out to be the one at fault in some way, while he’s the victim then you’ll know his true colours.

Wish I could get you a pressie on your list as genuinely, getting someone something that shows you really appreciate, value and understand them is one of the best things in the world. And absolutely what you deserve.

I had a rough childhood, there was a lot of abuse, and I have been left with some unhelpful behaviours as a result. So it quite often is me and I always look at what I personally can do to improve things for myself.

First item on list NOT A BOX OF CHOCOLATES
Second item on list in red big font caps THE ONLY THING I WANT IS …

😂😂😂😂
Today has been a batshit day, for sure!

Just expressing solidarity with OP, as I too have had one of these.

Him 'What do you want for your birthday/Christmas'

Me 'This, this and this.'

Him 'No you don't.'

He's an ex because he basically thought what he wanted must be what I wanted too, in everything.

I refuse to give lists or ideas for gifts because it's encouraging laziness. If someone can't even be arsed to think for themselves and choose a gift that they think I'll appreciate then I'd rather they just don't get me one. If I write a list I may as well just buy the things on it myself.

OK basic assertive communication:

Permission to have the talk
When…
I feel…
Because…
Please…
Brainstorm

In this scenario:

DH can we have a chat about the birthday list? <pause in case he apologises or has a point>
“When I write a list and don’t get anything off it, I feel sad. Because a nice gift it’s important to me. Can you please buy something off the list this year?” Brainstorm if needed for how, when, why…

What do you think his reaction would be?

I just want to give you a hug.

this isn’t you. It’s him. I know you are sensitive about birthday but even so, what he does is cruel.

I totally get it. I have similar baggage from childhood. Birthdays and christmasses were awful. But I was told it was just me being jealous/spoilt etc. what it was was toxic manipulative behaviour. I hate my birthday now.

But this is him.

Sit him down. Tell him you won’t be providing a list. Tell him you don’t want a box of chocolates. He can get you something off all the lists from the years before. Tell him if he doesn’t then he clearly has no regard for you.

You should be able to say to your h ‘this is my list. Is not a joke. Please get me something from it’.

You should be able to tell him how much his behaviour has upset you over the years.

He sounds like a thoughtless, uncaring idiot - You deserve better.

What do you do for his birthday?

if he wants something specific, I get him that. He usually doesn't want anything. So I get him new clothes, last year tickets for a thing he wants to see, I would organise a day out, cookbooks/cooking things (he's very into food), that sort of thing.

Don't write him a list but give him one suggestion with a link and write in the text/ email that this is what you have your heart set on and are really looking forward to getting it? Then you have shown that it is something you really want and see what happens

Write 2 or 3 thinks you want and say clearly. These are the thing I want it’s not a joke. You decide what to get me but if you chose not to use the list I’ll stop writing them.

You know what this makes me think of? Those countless threads I’ve read where an OP reports she’s stumbled upon a ‘female work colleague’ relationship and elements that sting the most are discovering the level of thought and care their DH is suddenly able to put into various gifts for their ‘platonic’ friend.

Always was a sad read to me as it was such a brutal way for the wife to discover her DH just wasn’t bothered about her needs and not that he was just bad at ‘that sort of thing’.

As PP said you absolutely deserve better and I know you say he’s great otherwise but that’s difficult to believe if he’s so dismissive of your birthday and your lists.