To not write a birthday list for DH

[rocketrabbit]

It's my birthday in a few weeks (normal one, not a big one). As usual DH asked me to send him a list.

I started to write one, then just thought I CBA. Every year I make a list and he never buys anything from it. We play this game where he says he thought those were joke suggestions and I pretend he's right. I have in the past made comments that he ignores the list but that just causes hurt feelings and an argument. But after 20+ years he knows the sort of things I like, he must know that the jacket/bag/jewellery etc I asked for are things I would love to get.

I really struggle with my bday and Christmas anyway, after a childhood where disappointment and then having to pretend to be happy being given something I didn't want was the norm. If I dared show any disappointment I would get a bollocking for being ungrateful.

DH is generous in all other ways but on this just totally falls flat. Why ask for a list if he knows I will ask for things he won't buy.

Aibu for refusing to make a bloody list this year.

Happy birthday op

Would your partner go to therapy? Or couples counselling? You deserve to be cherished and loved in the you you need it.

Ive had a similar upbringing and wounds to you op. Birthdays and Christmas are really hard. It wasn't till my husband had therapy himself that the penny really dropped. He had lots of his own family baggage that he didn't even realise. Society also doesn't help with the whole oh men just aren't gift givers or "atleast he remembered" low bar bullshit.

Agreed that he's doing it because he knows you'll accept it. Behaviour is a language and he's telling you he doesn't consider you worthy of the gift you're requesting every year.

Spell out to him that it's making you feel unheard and unappreciated, and push him on WHY he keeps doing it. Don't comfort or reassure him, let him sit in what you're saying without feeling the need to fill silence.

And happy birthday!

Oh gosh no, don't get it from your savings, get it from the joint account.
OP your posts make such sad reading. It would be shit enough if your husband played this nasty little game every year but to do it knowing the trauma you have from your mums games is incredibly cruel. It's nasty, nasty behavior.
I know you find confrontation hard, and no-one wants an argument on their birthday, but you have to speak to him about this. A birthday present is meant to say hey you're great and I wanted to get this thing to celebrate you. What he's said with his present buying is hmmm you're kind of ok, not great enough for that necklace you wanted, or for me to listen when you said you don't want the thing we're doing anyway to be your present, just ok.

Yes your husband is there with bags of money. Ugh.

I want to give you a big hug.

Can I ask what you said when he said he’ll get it for your big birthday in 2 years? And then when he said for your anniversary?

I think you need to tell him that you aren’t ok, that he’s let you down, and that he does it every year.

He’s being cruel.

He sounds very controlling and tbh mean
But also the mention of your childhood - isn't everyone brought up to act appreciative of presents and hide disappointment?

@rocketrabbit happy birthday

I don't like your husband

He's an unkind, miserly git.

And as for 'pawing' you - he needs to be told where to go

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago week and my husband spent weeks making a list of options and stressing about finding the perfect gift. He asked a couple of times if there was anything I wanted but immediately followed it with "Don't tell me I want to get you something amazing". I said three times I said I want to do x, but I know he's not keen on that.
Net result was he couldn't find the "perfect" gift so I got nothing but a card and a promise of "You know what I'm like tomorrow I'll think of the ideal present"
Luckily years of experience set my expectations so I wasn't surprised or disappointed. lots of thought just no action!
On the plus side our son surprised me with a beautiful necklace, that I love, so I was pleased we've brought him up to be thoughtful and generous!

Hope you have a lovely day x

No offence but your husband is just as shit as the OPs. Why are you letting him away with this behaviour? I hope you do the same thing to him on his birthday.

It's quite hard to explain if you haven't had the sort of childhood that I did, because yes, you're right, that is basic good manners. I should start by saying that it was an abusive home with domestic violence, coercive control, and drug use. My father didn't go to prison because it was never reported to the police but he should have. The violence was swept under the carpet. We weren't allowed to talk about it, comment on it, mention it. I remember going into my parent's bedroom one morning when I was about five and finding the two of them in bed, my mother lying completely rigid, duvet up to her chin, with a livid black eye. Purple and swollen up like a plum. My father laughed and said oh, it's so funny, you'll laugh at this, I rolled over in bed and my arm accidentally swung over and caught mummy in the face. It made no sense to me, it just didn't add up, and not long after that, I put two and two together and realised that he was hitting her. There was no-one I could talk to about it, and the attempts I did make all failed so I stopped trying. His rages and mood swings were epic. He could turn on you in a heartbeat. You become hypervigilant, always on edge, ears always pricked up to hear where he is and his tone of voice. He consistently ruined Christmas because by lunchtime he would be silently fuming, and then the temper would explode. Being insufficiently grateful for your presents/having the wrong look on your face/breathing wrong/using the wrong tone of voice could all set him off, so you have to watch everything you do. You're never relaxed. Everything becomes about trying to manage the mood swings of someone like that. It's really, really frightening. Birthdays were the same. My mother was so wrapped up in coping with him that I was under huge pressure not to add to the burden. I developed overwhelming people pleasing strategies amongst other things. She's not been particularly kind to me in adulthood, either, and has continued some of the same patterns.

You cannot ask for what you want or need in that situation. You are just constantly fawning and hoping no-one will get upset and you won't be in trouble, and birthdays and christmas always have added pressure because you are supposed to be thrilled when you ask for a particular toy and get given something completely different that you would never have asked for in a million years. Or you get in trouble in advance for asking for the wrong thing. Or you get told what you want and you get in trouble for not showing enough excitement (whatever the hell that looks like). Your choices are wrong, your reaction is wrong, what you say is wrong, and you have anticipatory anxiety weeks in advance, and mixed in with this is massive disappointment because it's your birthday but it's all about other people's feelings. Plus with my parents, money was always an issue (though there was always money for cigarettes, alcohol and drugs), so it was always the cheapest option (while at the same time, worth was tightly tied to external things, like how nice your clothes were etc). It was really effed up.

Your childhood sounds unbelievably tough @rocketrabbit

but, honestly it doesn’t excuse your Hs behaviour. Don’t second guess yourself. You should be upset because what he’s doing is upsetting. Try not to internalise it and make it your fault.

it’s him. 100% him.

Agreed. Surely if you know your partner has had such a difficult childhood, and how that related to presents, you'd go out of your way to help make their current experience with presents completely different. You wouldn't make up 'jokes' about them not wanting the presents they put on their list, or sulk if you judged a gift a bit wrong and it wasn't quite right.

Next time he asks you what you want for Christmas or your birthday, say .... A divorce ....

You poor woman.
Horror for parents.

Mean, controlling prick for a husband.
Your children will know this as they grow up, they always do.

Unfathomable that your thoughts, responses and reactions are controlled by him.

No wonder you have such distress.
Your gut is howling at you that you are living with a covertly mean prick.

God help you in your denial.

I'm sorry, you've had yet another crappy birthday and that's awful. The pawing and reassurance even worse

I'd be really interested to understand what sort of cost the necklace is given your financial situation as a couple. His response to this implies you've asked for something really high end outside of the norm of what you would spend as a couple. His response is somewhat understandable if it's a £5k diamond necklace but very shitty if it's £200.

Do you work too? You seem awfully resistant to spending anything out of the family pot? At any value.

It's 4 days later. I think you need to consider putting your big girl pants on and writing down how he has made you feel. Then have a conversation with him to say just that. It's difficult to know whether he is just generally thoughtless and is massively taking you for granted [which you are letting him do] or is genuinely abusive. Either way, you need to lay it out in a way that it is unambiguous and difficult to gaslight. This is how he is treating you and making you feel. It is not going to continue. His response will tell you everything you need to know.